Forgiving

Forgiveness is an issue I must deal with on a frequent basis, because of my work as a marriage and family therapist. However, let’s face it – it is something we all must address at some point in our lives, probably many times throughout our lives. We live in a fallen world. We disappoint, hurt, and betray one another – spouses, family, friends, neighbors, enemies, co-workers, teammates, and any other relational context in which we find ourselves. And if we are to survive the human experience in any kind of healthy way, we must learn to forgive. Following are some of the things I have learned about the difficult and powerful process of forgiveness: (more…)

Marital Cardiology

Although I’ve never been to medical school, people come to my office every day for cardiology exams. Most of the time, they don’t even know they have a heart condition, but the symptoms have finally compelled them to seek help. And their complaints sound something like this:

He just doesn’t listen to me!

She really doesn’t care about me anymore!

I’m sick of all the fighting.

etc…etc…etc

The list of specific complaints, issues, frustrations, and problems is a long one. However, I have learned that there is frequently a common source of the marital “sickness.” Someone in this marriage (often both spouses) has a heart condition. Jesus wisely explains to us that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. The way we speak and act in any relationship, certainly including marriage, is going to be a reflection of our inner life. Our attitudes and character, frequently referred to in scripture as our “heart,” is what drives the actions of our lives and who we are in our relationships. (more…)

Spring Cleaning

It’s spring cleaning time at my house.  My wife and I have both hit that point over the last couple of weeks.  We want to get our house in order and experience the refreshing peace of spring cleaning.  I’ve got the yard mowed.  I even splurged on some expensive fertilizer/weed killer/ant killer and some new grass seed.  Never have I given such luxurious treatment to my lawn, but I decided it’s probably a good idea every few years.  My wife has been doing a lot of straightening and organizing and rearranging in the house, and we have gratefully had the money this year to pay a friend to come over and deep clean for us.  The yard is looking good.  Our closets are neat.  The kitchen is glowing.  The bathrooms are clean.  Even the furniture has been brightened.  The house smells fresh.

Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

It’s nice to have things fresh and in order.  And I think it is no coincidence that we do such cleaning in the spring.  Spring is the time when all of God’s creation bursts forth with new life.  Much that has appeared brown and withered and dead suddenly perks up and becomes green and full of life and blossoms.  And so we naturally feel the desire to clean our homes and give them the same rejuvenation God is giving the great outdoors.  What a great opportunity to get our houses in order!  I’m talking now about the lives and relationships that rest and play and work and reside within the rooms and yards that we are busily sprucing up with our spring cleaning efforts.  As for me… (more…)

Happiness

“I’m really frustrated with my marriage.” – “My wife is driving me crazy!” – “I am so sick of my husband!” – “Our marriage just isn’t what it used to be.” – “I just don’t feel satisfied with my marriage.” – “Is this as good as it gets?” – “I’m not happy anymore.”

So many different ways of expressing dissatisfaction with married life – and I’ve heard a lot of them in my office.  The details of the problems can vary greatly, and just when I think I’ve heard it all, I hear a painful new story.  Humans are tremendously complex creatures, being made in the likeness of a fantastic, multi-layered God.  To say that human relationships, particularly marriages, are complex is a huge understatement.  And yet…

While I am always keenly interested in the particular dynamics of the individuals and marriages of the couples with whom I work, I am beginning to see marriage in simpler terms.  Most couples who seek counseling with me do so because one or both spouses are feeling unhappy.  And they are hoping I can offer them the guidance they need to find the path back to happiness.  It is human nature to desire happiness and fulfillment, and we certainly expect to experience it in our marriages, of all places.   We all know we will experience some times of unhappiness in this journey of life, but significant ongoing unhappiness within a marriage is typically a sign of a problem that needs to be addressed and resolved.  And professional marital counseling is often the best approach.  But here is where it gets…tricky. (more…)

Weeds

A few months ago, my wife and I invested a good bit of money in having professionals come whip our front landscaping into shape.  They did a great job.  We’ve got all kinds of new flowers (don’t ask me what kind), new greenery, new mulch.  The house has really benefitted from the colorful “facelift.”  It looks pretty snazzy.  We are thankful for our nice home, and enjoy it very much.  We also didn’t want to be the eyesore of the neighborhood.  But we finally admitted we were never going to get the motivation to attack the project ourselves.  So we called in the pros – and are very pleased with our choice.

But now there are weeds.  How did this happen?!  I watched how deeply the husband and wife team dug up the old beds, cleared them out, and filled in fresh beautiful dirt.  The flowers and plants they put in place were weed-free.  So what happened?  Did the weed fairy come visit our house and plant the nasty little green monsters while we slept?  No, the reality of life is – weeds grow wherever there is dirt and water to be found.  This has been a constant on planet earth since, well, the Garden of Eden.  If I want to keep the ground around my home looking fresh and neat and well kept, I’ll have to either keep pulling weeds and trimming edges and cutting grass, or pay someone else to do it for me.  (For what it’s worth, I’m opting to do it myself, because I think it helps reconnect me to the rhythm and order of God’s creation.)

So today I began pulling weeds.  I donned my long sleeve gold Tigers shirt, clasped on the overalls, laced up my old pair of Timberlands, and dug my fingers into the moist, dark earth in front of my home.  I was quickly faced with a very big decision, one I had not anticipated.  What level of weeding was I going to perform?  A quick scan of the sixty feet or so of flower/shrub beds indicated somewhere in the neigborhood of a dozen big, nasty, “devil weeds.”  I don’t know what you call these things, but they are big and ugly and clearly love South Louisiana.  And I was really tempted to just attack them and call the job done.  But they were not alone.  They had less obvious, but more sinister friends.  Mid-level weeds that spread and hunker down.  And don’t get me started on all the clover.  And there was the grass from the yard that refuses to respect my boundaries.  What should I do?!!

I decided I really wanted to get our money’s worth out of the recent landscape job, so I started at one end and began to remove all unwanted greenery (and a little brownery) from my path.  Wow!!!  What a job!  This is a narrow strip of ground, and I really thought the whole project would take a half hour at most.  When I reached the path from our front door (the halfway mark) an hour later, I decided to stop for the night and finish tomorrow.  I may not have finished the weed pulling project yet, but I made some observations in the process that I believe are worth sharing:

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Great SEX!!!

Being the week of Valentine’s Day, I know what is on the mind of many. Okay, besides chocolate. Sex. Men and women get married with the hope and expectation of having a great sex life. (I know there are plenty of folks working on a great sex life who aren’t married, but I’m sticking with God’s plan for sex – between a wife and husband only.) I would encourage you to read my article in the February issue of Lousiana Homes and Gardens entitled “Passion Like Never Before.” Because the magazine is for a broad audience, I could not go into Biblical guidance there. Well, this is my website, and I believe God’s guidelines in scripture are the best instructions we can find for all areas of life, so here we go!

For those who are familiar with the Bible, you might be expecting me to launch into some hot passage from Song of Solomon – or maybe 1 Corinthians 7 – or perhaps Ephesians 5. Actually, in my experience, the following passage offers the most powerful guidelines for transforming a lackluster sex life into a hotbed of marital bliss – and it never even mentions marriage. Before we move into the scripture, we’ve got to address a common misconception. Hot sex is not about techniques and positions (although they can be fun to learn together). It’s not about buying the right equipment (I do recommend a towel and some unscented baby wipes for cleanup – and a bottle of Astroglide or KY liquid comes in handy now and then). Here’s the deal – a passionate, fulfilling, enduring sex life is the fruit of a marriage where husband and wife are committed to blessing, serving, and encouraging one another in all aspects of life, not just in the bedroom. There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking pleasure in your sex life. God intends it to be immensely pleasurable. Just make sure you don’t get so focused on your own pleasure-seeking that you lose sight of your relationship with your spouse and how to offer your mate the kind of security, pleasure, and fulfillment that would bless him/her. With that, let’s look at Philippians 2:1-7, what I believe is the best model anywhere for how to have a great marriage – including a great sex life. (more…)

Presents

This week is Thanksgiving week, a time for seeing family, enjoying great food, counting our blessings, savoring annual traditions…and joining the mad rush for the latest, greatest Christmas presents.  With the explosion of MP3 players, portable satellite radios, widescreen hi-def televisions, next generation video game systems, and more – this shopping season promises to mean big bucks for Santa’s elves in the gizmo department.  And isn’t that what it’s really all about?:  Getting the latest cool stuff.  Impressing family and friends with your technosavvy.  Picking out just the right gift that will wow the socks off the recipient.  Boosting the national economy.  Feeling that sense of satisfaction at watching the kids rip open enough presents to entertain half the city for the next three years.

No, that’s not what it’s all about!!!

Oh, there’s nothing wrong with giving and receiving nice things for Christmas.  It’s a cool tradition that I happen to enjoy, and can be very meaningful – even healing.  But if that is the heart of your Christmas holiday season, you are missing out on the best things in life.  This week, I would like to share with you some suggestions for Christmas presents that will bring lasting joy and memories FAR beyond anything you can buy at Wal-Mart or Best Buy or E-bay.  I sincerely hope you will use my Christmas gift list and make this a holiday that really touches someone.  You never know, YOU may be the one most deeply changed by your efforts to give something real and meaningful this year. (more…)

Advocates – not Adversaries

Some of you have healthy, vibrant, joy-filled marriages that are a great source of security and love in your life.  It’s not perfect, but it sure is good!  If so, please consider finding another couple or two to mentor.  Believe me, some couple out there could really use your encouraging example.  Others reading this post are not so content.  Your marriage has sadly become a source of discouragement and pain, and you aren’t sure what to do, or even how you got here.  If you find yourself in this group, or even just need a boost to a good marriage – read on (then pass it on to someone else).

Most of us did a great job being a loving, supportive, encourager to our spouse back in the days of dating, courtship, and engagement.  Everything was so fresh and new, and your sweetheart just seemed so perfect and easy to serve wholeheartedly.  You felt compelled to do kind, loving, encouraging things for this wonderful person who could make you feel good with simply a word or a smile.  Then you got married, saw the real-life unedited version of one another, disappointed each other and hurt each other a few times, and suddenly it wasn’t so easy to focus on blessing them.  You started putting more and more energy into protecting and defending yourself.  Before you knew what happened, you had become an adversary of your imperfect spouse, rather than an advocate of your beloved sweetheart.  Following is a very simple explanation of what leads to being either an adversary or an advocate to your mate: (more…)