Being the week of Valentine’s Day, I know what is on the mind of many. Okay, besides chocolate. Sex. Men and women get married with the hope and expectation of having a great sex life. (I know there are plenty of folks working on a great sex life who aren’t married, but I’m sticking with God’s plan for sex – between a wife and husband only.) I would encourage you to read my article in the February issue of Lousiana Homes and Gardens entitled “Passion Like Never Before.” Because the magazine is for a broad audience, I could not go into Biblical guidance there. Well, this is my website, and I believe God’s guidelines in scripture are the best instructions we can find for all areas of life, so here we go!
For those who are familiar with the Bible, you might be expecting me to launch into some hot passage from Song of Solomon – or maybe 1 Corinthians 7 – or perhaps Ephesians 5. Actually, in my experience, the following passage offers the most powerful guidelines for transforming a lackluster sex life into a hotbed of marital bliss – and it never even mentions marriage. Before we move into the scripture, we’ve got to address a common misconception. Hot sex is not about techniques and positions (although they can be fun to learn together). It’s not about buying the right equipment (I do recommend a towel and some unscented baby wipes for cleanup – and a bottle of Astroglide or KY liquid comes in handy now and then). Here’s the deal – a passionate, fulfilling, enduring sex life is the fruit of a marriage where husband and wife are committed to blessing, serving, and encouraging one another in all aspects of life, not just in the bedroom. There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking pleasure in your sex life. God intends it to be immensely pleasurable. Just make sure you don’t get so focused on your own pleasure-seeking that you lose sight of your relationship with your spouse and how to offer your mate the kind of security, pleasure, and fulfillment that would bless him/her. With that, let’s look at Philippians 2:1-7, what I believe is the best model anywhere for how to have a great marriage – including a great sex life.
Philippians 2:1-7 says,
“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus, who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.”
Can you imagine how great our marriages would be if we all followed these guidelines with our spouses?!! Read the words in bold again – this is hard-core stuff, but revolutionary in the marriage relationship. So, how can you have an amazing sex life in your marriage? Commit yourself to living according to these revolutionary standards with your wife or husband – even if your spouse does not! Kevin Leman, the author of my absolute favorite book on sexuality, “Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage,” wrote another book entitled, “Sex Begins in the Kitchen: Because Love is an All Day Affair.” He’s right on the money with the title of that second book. If we make it a habit to bless our spouses throughout the day on a regular basis, we will reap the benefits when the lights go out and the candles are lit! And I’ll take it a step further. If we bring an attitude of service and loving consideration into the bedroom in a way that respects ourselves, but gives the greatest honor to our spouses…get ready for a whole new level of sexual delight!!! Consider Philippians 2:1-8 again, through the perspective of your sexual relationship with your spouse:
“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded (in bed), having the same love (in bed), being one in spirit and purpose (in bed). Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit (in bed), but in humility consider others (your spouse) better than yourselves (in bed). Each of you should look not only to your interests (in bed), but also to the interests of others (your spouse). Your attitude (in bed) should be the same as that of Christ Jesus, who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.”
May you enjoy the rich fruits of fantastic sex with your husband or wife who you are loving and serving each day with humble consideration – not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day.
For more resources and insights, check out the links under the “Sexuality” section near the bottom of the right column on the front page of my site. And a final note. I will be writing another time about the poisonous power of pornography. For now, I will tell those of you who indulge yourselves in pornography that the best thing you can do to improve your sex life and your marriage is to walk completely away from this habit. If you do so grudgingly, you will probably not experience improvements in your marriage, and will eventually go back to it. However, if you are willing to say goodbye to this self-indulgent pleasure out of a genuine desire to bless your spouse and your marriage, I believe you will be blessed for it (though maybe not overnight). Help is available via several of my listed “Sexuality” links, and in the must read: “Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War over Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time.”
As always, please feel free to contact me if I can be of service to you, your marriage, or your family. Roger@hopeforyourfamily.com or 225-387-2287