Dr. Roger D. Butner, LMFT … HopeForYourFamily

(This is the third installment in a series I introduced here: Guiding Teens Through Five Major Dating Dynamics)

Today’s post is directly intended for parents of boys. However, there may certainly be value in parents of girls using these ideas to help your daughter frame healthy expectations of how she should be treated by a suitor throughout the dating process.

I recognize different folks have very different views on what constitutes chivalry or being a gentleman, and even whether or not this is a relevant ideal worth aiming for. As I am not trying to write the book on what it means to be a gentleman here, I will simply offer a few points that I consider important enough to impress upon my own son (who, I am delighted to say, has always had a natural manner of being considerate and helpful toward others).

• Walk to the door to pick her up and drop her off. Don’t be the knucklehead who sits in the car waiting for her to notice you’re here, texts her from the car to tell her you’re here, or (most obnoxious) honks the horn to announce you’re here. Being a gentleman in this simple way naturally leads to the next point…

• Initiate conversation with her parents. Man up and talk to her parents before and after the date. Don’t just be willing – take initiative for striking up conversation with them. They will be far more likely to appreciate and respect you when you show this kind of spirit. And an adolescent gentleman is keenly aware and respectful of the reality that his date is living under the authority and leadership of her parents.

• Open doors for her. Classic. Simple. Easy to do. But shows a solid thoughtfulness that a male is willing and eager to serve a female. Teach your boys to be a door opener.

• Seize opportunities to offer her sincere compliments. No need to to be fake or overbearing here. That’s no good. But a gentleman shows the thoughtfulness and kindness to share an uplifting word of praise whenever he can. Teach your son to use his words to lift up, and not to tear down – in dating relationships and throughout his social landscape.

• Know what kind of food, movies, music, etc. she likes and consider this with priority when planning and implementing dates or other time together. This doesn’t mean a young man cannot have his own tastes and preferences in these matters. It simply means he graciously makes her feel special and cherished.

• Don’t let the cell phone distract from the time and attention that should be devoted to her. This one is particularly important for us to teach our sons these days, and digital rudeness is such a huge and growing issue in our device saturated culture. Remind him his focus should be on the time and relationship he is sharing with his date, and that he will have time to interact with other friends via phone later. Be sure he has a special ringtone/buzz pattern for parents, so he can prioritize responding to you when necessary.

What other points do you feel are important in raising up a gentleman today?

(This is the second installment in a series introduced here: Guiding Teens Through Five Major Dating Dynamics)

Whether we love them or hate them, whether or not they are expressly spoken or written, whether we are adults, adolescents, or children, rules are a part of our everyday lives. Rules offer us structure, limits, standards, and direction. Good rules actually help keep us safe, offer us critical guidance in potentially difficult decisions, and make life more manageable. Can rules be oppressive? Yes. And we must take caution not to head down that road with our kids at any age. But give someone the “total freedom” of opportunity and power with no rules? Chaos and mayhem of one kind or another are sure to follow.

Our teens need clear healthy rules to guide them through the dynamics of dating. They just do. No matter how much they may hate us for it. We cannot control our kids’ choices. And they wouldn’t really learn and grow if we did have control over their actions. We cannot guarantee their safety and health, despite our best efforts. And most teens want as few rules as possible from their parents. Yet, we have a great responsibility to give them dating rules that are designed to guide them, protect them, and foster healthy development in them and their relationships. So I offer you these suggestions to help you in the process of setting good rules for your teens engaging in the dating process:

• Make sure rules are reasonable. If you try to impose rules that are so oppressive as to steal all the fun out of dating or that are so difficult as to be nearly impossible to properly obey, you are setting your teen up to despise you, defy you, and/or deceive you. Everyone loses on that deal. Instead, set rules that create helpful boundaries for physical, relational, and moral safety without setting them up for failure or rebellion.

• Make sure rules are clear. Being held to a standard that has not been clearly or adequately explained is terribly unfair and infuriating. For any of us. Let’s be sure we clearly explain to our teens the rules and expectations we will be using as a standard to guide and respond to their behavior. Ask if they have questions. Ask them to explain the rules back to you, whether or not they like them. You may even want to put them in writing, depending on the personality of your teen.

• Review the rules together periodically. Let’s face it, sometimes our teens can be short on attention span and memory, but bursting with passion and enthusiasm. Set them up for greater success by discussing their dating rules on a regular basis. This helps them remember the standards. It gives you a conversational space to warn them in a loving way of places they may be pushing the boundaries. And it creates great opportunities for telling them where you see them succeeding.

• Explain the consequences of violating rules. As parents, we don’t always know until a situation presents itself, what consequence seems most appropriate in response to a specific act or situation. But we can still paint a clear picture of the general type and severity of consequences that will follow breaking specific rules for dating. It would be naive to think our kids will follow all the rules we give them as the result of their total agreement with our perspectives and morals. Knowing what kind of consequences they will face for breaking rules can go a long way toward motivating them to comply, even if they don’t understand or agree with our standards for them.

• Enforce the rules you set. Once you have set a standard for their behavior, they need to be held to that standard. Are there times where grace and mercy are what is most needed? Sure. But if our teens learn that our “rules” are not actually the standard, we have robbed them of important opportunities to grow in personal responsibility. They may hate the consequences of misbehavior, and you may hate the enforcement of it. But you set those rules for their benefit. Remember that.

• Evaluate and update the rules and consequences on a yearly basis. As your teen ages, some rules may need to change with their level of maturity. As you see personal responsibility and good decision-making growing in your daughter or son, be sure to respond appropriately with increased measures of freedom. And make sure you explain your reasons for these changes – what a rewarding conversation to share! In contrast, for teens who are consistently failing to meet the reasonable standards you have set for them in their dating conduct, they may need increased limits and consequences to help them grow up.

Finally, here is a glimpse of the kind of rules for dating we are utilizing at our house. They are still a work in progress, particularly as our son is not yet a fully licensed driver, but here you go:

• Set curfew time
• Only drive “approved” friends
• No drinking or drug use
• Communicate a clear plan for the entire time to parents before leaving
• If anything changes, or you’d like to change it, call parents ASAP to discuss
• Respond to texts/calls from parents promptly

(This post is the first installment of a series I introduced here: Guiding Teens Through Five Major Dating Dynamics)

Talking with our kids and teens about sex and issues related to sexuality can be an uncomfortable and daunting challenge. Uncomfortable for parents. Uncomfortable for teens and preteens. Fine. It can be uncomfortable. But it is far too important an issue to avoid because of discomfort. And our teens are so much more likely to struggle and make big mistakes in the realm of sexual conduct if we don’t lead them in very direct conversations about it. So, take a breath. Say a prayer. And let’s face this…

Before you proceed with my specific recommendations about discussing sexuality in the context of dating with your teen, you may want to read this previous post about Beginning the Sex Conversation. I don’t recommend offering sexual guidelines for dating until you have had clear direct conversations about the mechanics, implications, and morality of sex. Ideally, this should be an ongoing series of conversations, rather than one big uncomfortable seminar.

For the purpose of this blog series, we are going to look specifically at how to discuss sexuality and guidelines for sexual behavior in the context of dating:

• Be sure you discuss the significance of sexual activity and the relational/moral meaning and considerations. Don’t just focus on rules, limits, etc. As much as possible, we want to help our teens understand WHY we are giving them rules, guidelines, and suggestions about their sexual conduct. Talk directly with them about why it matters. Not just where to draw the line. This may mean answering their tough questions or handling delicate or philosophical issues they raise. If so, take a breath, say a prayer, and do it – even though it may be uncomfortable or hard. It may mean taking time together to read and wrestle with Biblical or other religious/spiritual/moral texts. This not only offers them a greater understanding of the origins and significance of your view of sexual morality and conduct, but it also provides some great examples, stories, and guidelines for discussion together.

• Be sure you give them specific guidelines and boundaries, with reasons for why each are important. Don’t just assume that if your teen really seems to understand sexual morals and consequences, he or she will know what to do in the real world moments of dating. Be specific. The clearer the guidelines you offer, the greater the chances your son or daughter will remember them when it matters most. Be practical. Set your teen up for success! Discuss how to practice the boundaries you have set forth, and directly address the variables they are most likely to face. Be realistic. Give guidelines your daughter or son can actually follow. If you are so idealistic and “prudish” that you can’t consider and account for the realities of your teen’s experiences, thoughts, and desires, then you won’t be helpful. Be vulnerable. This one may scare the bajeebers out of you, but (tastefully) sharing some of your own experiences with sexuality in dating can help to give much greater weight to your message and your position of authority. Specifically, consider sharing what kind of guidelines you were or were not offered as a teen, what kind of guidelines (if any) you actually followed, and how that worked for you. Maybe even offer what likely would have helped you navigate adolescent sexuality more successfully.

• Make it a discussion – not a lecture. Invite questions, and answer them genuinely without avoiding. Yes, some teens may ask for certain personal details from you that you decide are not appropriate to share. Use good judgment. But don’t avoid uncomfortable questions just because they are uncomfortable. Do your best to listen for where your teen is and what sexual issues he/she is actively wrestling with (or sounds like they will be soon), rather than just sticking with your agenda.

• Emphasize the wonderful purpose and place of sex, rather than sending an overall message that sex is bad, taboo, shameful, etc. Some of you may not even understand why I would mention this. If that’s you – terrific! Sadly, many folks have grown up in a family, church, and/or community culture that basically puts a catch-all negative stamp to teens and preteens regarding sex as a strategy to keep them away from it until marriage. This sets kids up to have an unhealthy view of sex and sexuality, and may even increase the appeal of the “forbidden fruit” in ways that set them up for terrible consequences. I’m not saying we shouldn’t do our very best to impress on our teens the best boundaries for sex. Not at all. They DO need that from us. But let’s be sure we don’t lean toward scare or shame tactics regarding sex to try to keep them within those boundaries. We want them to limit healthy sex to the right relationship context BECAUSE they appreciate how valuable and wonderful and special it can and should be, as well as how risky and harmful it can be in the wrong relationship context.

And, finally, here are some specific guidelines we have in our household regarding sex in dating, because they are practical reflections of our spiritual/moral values that come largely from our belief in The Bible as God’s inspired guidebook for our lives:

• Sex is intended for, and best saved for, marriage.
• The more you “make out,” the harder it is to save sex for marriage.
• Cars are for driving, not Parking.
• Ask yourself if you would do whatever you are considering doing if your parents were with you.
• Treat your body and your date’s body with modesty and respect. Insist on dating someone who will do the same. Do this, and your dating relationship will have far more value and peace.
• Following these guidelines to marriage with the right person will serve to increase your passion for one another, not diminish it.