Hope-For-Your-Family

A couple nights ago, my wife and I had an intense extended discussion about several points of different perspective, with which we both have very strong emotional connections. Well, I guess some might call that a fight. Two mornings later, I am extremely grateful for two things in particular that I see growing in each of us in our marriage relationship, two foundational elements which I emphasize with my clients in marriage therapy.

It is good for us to openly express our perspectives with one another, even if it leads to a “fight.” It gives us a chance to grow as individuals and as a couple. Just as the muscles in our bodies grow stronger and healthier by being stretched and challenged, so do our attitudes and relationships grow through being pushed beyond our comfort zones. Did I agree with everything my wife said to me in our discussion? No. Did I like everything my wife said to me? No, indeed! (including things I did not and did agree with, I have to admit) Did I need to hear everything she shared with me? Yes, sir! In fact, (more…)

Okay, in fairness to my Marriage 1.0 and 1.1 posts, this one challenges a “funny” email from a male perspective. Here is the email, followed by my comments:

“Earl and Bubba (feel free to insert Boudreaux and Thibodeaux if that works better for you) are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing, and drinking beer, when suddenly Bubba says, ‘I think I’m gonna divorce my wife - she ain’t spoke to me in over two months.’

Earl spits, sips his beer, and says, ‘Better think it over. Women like that are hard to find.’”

And the hilarious message is…marriage would be great if women just shut up and didn’t bother us husbands by talking to us. Now there’s intimacy at its finest! Sure, there are plenty of women who would do well to learn to not try so hard to change their husbands, or to understand when to just remain quiet and appreciate the silent connection. And the same could be said of many men as well. Again, I believe this “funny” email represents a common marital challenge. With the right perspective and effort on the part of both husbands and wives, this frequent source of tension can be greatly transformed to facilitate the kind of intimacy men and women both desire in marriage.

It is amazing what kind of healthy changes happen in a marriage when a spouse who “talks too much” can learn to stop actively trying to change their mate to fit into the mold of their choosing. However, this can be hard to let go of when one’s spouse seems to frequently engage in behaviors that just seem so intolerable to you. But consider this…how often has your “nagging” or “badgering” (could be wife or husband) actually created the desired change in your spouse? Doesn’t it usually just lead either to big conflict or to silent separation, often followed by an actual increase in the detested behavior? Or sometimes the behavior does decrease or change, but is accompanied by so much complaining or passive-aggressive jabbing that you end up wishing your spouse were still doing the first thing and you had never made it an issue. Sound familiar to anyone?

I know this goes against the grain of your natural impulse (it certainly does mine), but watch what happens when you decide to (more…)

The last year or so has been a season of growth and transformation in my life. If I had to summarize this time with one word, I guess I would have to go with “FREEDOM.” The great paradox of this experience has been discovering that the pathway to true freedom comes through total surrender. Not that I have achieved a status of total surrender, but I am striving more for it every day. And as I further surrender my will and my life and my relationships to the Lordship of Christ, God grants me greater freedom and His Spirit empowers me to experience greater heights of joy, purpose, and fulfillment. In the spirit of my ongoing quest for freedom in Christ, I want to share a few recent reflections and insights regarding much of my past journey as a Christian.

Much of my life as a Christian and church member has been driven by a desire for safety. With a belief in the Christian teachings regarding the three-in-one God, Satan, heaven, hell, sin, salvation, and such, I think my aim has been to search the Bible for the correct formula to guide my actions (and to a lesser degree my mind and heart) in such a way that will keep me safe from the terrible consequences of sin and the generally dissipated condition of this fallen world. The formula I have followed (or at least attempted to follow) has been very religious and certainly addresses very spiritual issues. And I really believe if I was a better man, a truly righteous man by nature, this formulaic approach to spiritual safety would be quite sufficient for living an exemplary life that would please God greatly and offer a high standard that others should follow.

The problem is - I am not a truly righteous man by nature. I am sinful by nature. I have such twisted places in my heart, mind, and spirit that I am absolutely incapable of following any prescribed plan of living in such a way that I can keep my self safe from the ravages of sin and the sinful world in which I live. I am increasingly realizing that the pursuit of safety, no matter how religious or seemingly spiritual the means, will ultimately fail. (see John 5:16-47, especially verse 39) A sinful man cannot keep himself safe. I’m gonna level with you, here. This has been a highly unnerving eye-opener for me! It would seem my whole framework for living has failed me and left me naked and doomed in a dangerous world made worse by the sinful nature that continues to burst forth from within me.

But I have great hope!

For underneath this religious pursuit of safety I have found the answer. I first had to rethink my question. “What must I do to be safe?” Thirty plus years of pursuing an answer to this question had left me enslaved to both a way of life that appeared righteous and a way of life that was totally limited by MY woefully lacking ability to achieve righteousness for my self. So I now thank God for bringing me to freedom by beginning with a new question, “What must I do to be saved?” And the answer is so simple it is jarring. I must put my faith in Jesus. For by the grace of God, through the power of Christ, the one and only risen from the dead son of God, I am set free from the bondage of sin and the slavery of self-righteousness.

The really amazing thing for me is that now that I am clear on the only source of my salvation, and no longer wasting my focus and energy on the self-righteous pursuit of safety, I am free to pursue a full relationship with Christ and to seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness. And I am coming to believe that my salvation in Christ does NOT guarantee my safety, for this is still a dark and dangerous world, and I serve a King who leads his subjects into wild adventures that frequently include sacrifice, suffering, and death. And I am now eager to follow the High King wherever He calls and leads me, for “in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

With Hope in Him,

Roger

   Click on the image to watch part 1 of “The Lorax” a television presentation of the classic Dr. Seuss tale of being a friend, rather than an enemy, of planet Earth.  (Parts 2 & 3 are also available from this YouTube video page - the whole show is about 35 minutes or so.)
Here are just a few helpful “Green” links to help you celebrate Earth Day and hopefully begin some lifelong, life-giving, Earth-renewing habits:

Earth Day 2008

EPA Earth Day

Earth Day EnviroLinks

Geaux Green

Recycle Rouge

Earth911

Kids Page - Recycling

Do Something

Christian Environmental Organization Links

Your Green Partner,

Dr. Roger Butner

The last year or so has been a time of tremendous growth in my life. This has been totally a gift of grace from God. I don’t say that as some kind of flippantly religious way of trying to sound humble. I just know I don’t have what it takes to bring about the transforming changes that have been happening in and around me over the past months. But the Spirit of God, sent by Jesus to live in me and convict and guide and comfort me - He has power beyond my wildest conception. And He is eager to transform and lead me. So long as I will seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and surrender to His will.

This process of growth has been largely a time of joy and unfolding freedom. But it has not been without pain. I have had to make difficult choices, some of which have left others near me feeling bewildered, hurt, even angry. Even when I feel a conviction of peace about such choices for myself and my family, it hurts deeply to see loved ones so painfully affected. And then there are those times when I take my eyes off the One who is providing and sustaining my growth. My eyes have a tendency to wander to two particularly seductive focal points - potential sources of danger (fear) and a distorted image of myself (pride or shame). I clearly have a long way to grow, even though I have already grown a great deal by the grace of God.

I am so thankful to my Lord for showing the same loving mercy to me that He showed to Peter, who walked on water when his eyes, heart, and faith were fixed completely on Him, but sank like a rock when his focus shifted to the surrounding danger. Jesus was right there with his strong, loving hands to lift up his friend and restore him to the place where he belonged, so he could continue learning, growing, serving, and leading in the ways God had purposed for his life.

May these inspired words convict and sustain you, as they have me for the last day or so:

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will. For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.” - Romans 12:1-3

God taught me a simple, profound lesson today.

As I took some time during my lunch break to go for a stroll with God through the beauty of downtown Baton Rouge, I heard God’s whispering voice invite me to slow down. “Shhhhh…Where are you going in such a hurry? Did you come out here to go somewhere, or to be somewhere - with Me?” As I responded in grateful obedience, slowing my steps, my mind, and my heart, I heard Him smile lovingly as He shared the words of the lesson He was glad to give me: “It does not matter where you are going, if you cannot be where you are!” Wow! Say that again, God, I sense this is important, and I do not want to miss it. “Of course, my son. It does not matter where you are going, if you cannot be where you are.”

I slowly walked in awe at the profundity (profound nature) of this simple truth, grateful to my Father for loving me enough to lead me to the stillness where I could receive His loving gift. It truly does not matter where I am going, or why I think it so important I get there, or how quickly I arrive - if I cannot be where I am. Even as I write these words, I feel the pull of our busy, bottom line culture seducing me to say “if I cannot just be where I am” or “if I cannot simply be where I am.” The more we strip away the value of being, the more we strip away the value of life. Lord, may I gratefully and humbly learn to be where I am for every today which you see fit to give me.

I slowly made my way back up North Boulevard toward my office, feeling rich beyond anything I deserve. And God decided I still had room to receive and hold one more lesson. “Roger, wherever you are going matters nothing, if you cannot be where you are. And, unless you keep walking with Me, you will never know where to go, even as you learn to be where you are.” OK, God. So you’re saying it doesn’t matter where I go, if I cannot be where I am, and the only way to know where to go is to walk with I AM where I am.

I guess part of what strikes me most about today’s lessons is how God shared them so clearly with me as I am already beginning to grow and live in these truths in ways of more mature faith and purpose than ever before. And I know it is by God’s rich grace that I continue to grow and learn and live and move and have my being. It also occurs to me that He brought me to these truths of being and walking today, at a time when He is leading me to new places in life. I won’t pretend to know the mind of God. I just know I want to continue being where I am, walking with I AM, following His lead, learning His lessons, and sharing His life.

With Peace and Hope in Him,

Roger

I recognize the message in the link I am sharing will be offensive to some. I am willing to offend, because I recognize the deep wisdom reflected in the first amendment to our constitution as the anchor of our bill of rights. As I posted recently, I am continuing to read through a profoundly insightful book by Edwin Friedman called “A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix.” In light of what I have been processing, considering, and finding deeply truthful in his message, I was stirred by the words of this speech which I read today. I am sharing it with you through a link to snopes.com, which I highly recommend as a resource to validate or debunk any email “forward” before you pass it along. In my experience, probably 90% of the e-forwards I receive are largely, and often grossly, inaccurate. This one has been validated as accurate by the man who actually gave the speech. I won’t expect you to enjoy it, but I do hope you will consider it. I am not offering wholesale endorsement of everything he says, but I do believe it merits serious, reflective consideration. Further, I do hope you will keep in mind that I continue to be committed to doing my part to stand against racism in myself and in the world around me, and sharing the message of Christ - a message of love, grace, and service to my neighbor. And Jesus makes it clear that my neighbor most certainly includes those who are racially, culturally, and linguistically different from me.

Here is the link to the speech. It may take you three or four minutes to read through.

With Hope in Him,

Roger