Renewed
My wife and I recently went for a marriage retreat at the Parish Hermitage. We really needed it. I really needed it. I was not in a good place regarding my marriage, and my wife and my marriage were suffering for it. And the two things that really blow me away about this are 1. that I felt genuinely justified in my position and 2. I regularly emphasize to my clients that marriage is at its best when you focus and work on yourself, rather than focusing and attempting to work on your spouse. And even though I knew this stuff in my mind, my heart and spirit had gotten twisted around backward and I felt truly stuck – not yet hopeless, but really and truly stuck. Yuck!!!
I am so grateful and humbled to share with you that the Spirit of God worked in a powerful way over the last week, and especially through this weekend, to open the eyes of my heart and bring me to a renewed place as a husband, through repentence and healing. I am grateful to Eddie and Judy Parish for their continuing joyful willingness to share their rich gifts of hospitality, spiritual discernment, and loving grace. And I am grateful to my wife for going to the hard places with me by being open, vulnerable, and real.
And my soul and my marriage are renewed. My hope has once again taken flight and my spirit feels free to flap its wings in freedom and joy. Thank you, LORD!!!
I share this glimpse of my personal journey with you for a couple of reasons. First, I want you to know that we all struggle in life and relationships – even us professional experts. Struggling is okay. It is universal. At least when we are struggling, we show evidence that we are hoping for something better. Second, I want to encourage you that you really do not have to wait on your spouse to make some kind of changes so you can have a better marriage experience. You can improve your marriage experience right now, starting today! You can choose to stop dwelling on what you see as the shortcomings in your spouse or the injustices in your marriage, and you can choose to place your focus on improving yourself as a spouse and finding joy in blessing your mate, whether or not he/she seems to “deserve” it right now.
I must say, I am amazed at the difference I experience in my peace, joy, and marital satisfaction, when I “practice what I preach” to my clients on a regular basis. I shouldn’t be amazed. I share these perspectives with them, because I know it is the best way to live – in marriage and all other relationships. But knowing the Truth and living the Truth take vastly different amounts of willingness and self-discipline. And by the way, our time at the retreat made it clear to my that I was the one who had the most changing to do. The minor “flaws” I had pegged in my wife were far eclipsed by the disgruntled attitude I was blindly wielding to the harm of each of us and our marriage. Repentance, joy, and grace are not just nice terms from the language of Christianity. They are POWERFUL forces for life transformation, my friends!
For more guidance along these lines, I highly recommend “Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More than to Make Us Happy” by Gary Thomas and “ScreamFree Marriage” (audio) by Hal Runkel. And while you’re at it, you might want to round out the resource package with “Passionate Marriage: Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Committed Relationships” by David Schnarch.
5 Comments
BigJosh80 · July 22, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Roger, who led the retreat? Wasn’t you was it :)? You know, I’ve come to find out that one of the big misconceptions people have of mft’s is the they have it all figured out when it comes to their own marriages and families. We struggle too. In fact, we might be a lot more stubborn to ask for help when needed because sometimes I think we buy into that misconception as well. I have a saying (I try not to live by it though) – “I became a therapist to help others change so I don’t have to.”
Hey, way to set the example for the rest of us. I’m encouraged.
Oh, and just so you know, my wife now reads your blog. She really liked your facebook one. She wanted to comment but wouldn’t even entertain the thought of trying to remember a new username and password. Take care.
Roger · July 22, 2008 at 7:13 pm
No way was I leading this one! Actually, my wife and I try to get out to this place twice a year, if at all possible. It’s called The Parish Hermitage (http:www.parishhermitage.org) in St. Amant, located between Baton Rouge and New Orleans. Eddie Parish is a LMFT, as well as a gifted spiritual director. His wife, Judy, has such a gift for hospitality and really being present with people. Together, as they follow the Spirit’s leading, they are an amazing team, and they personally tailor each visit to meet the needs of the guest(s). Check out their website. I’m sure you and your wife would be so blessed, if you are ever able to make the trek down here to South Louisiana.
Roger · July 22, 2008 at 7:15 pm
And I totally agree with your perspective that others and our selves can have such high and unrealistic expectations of MFTs, especially Christian MFTs. I’m glad your wife has found my blog encouraging, and I’m with her on boycotting new usernames and passwords. 🙂
Lori Thacker · July 29, 2008 at 9:48 pm
I’m glad you’re human, Doc. I think it’s the life experience that gives you guys the edge over those with only the training – I’ll take a battle scarred soldier over a pink faced officer any day. And I have to say that Sacred Marriage really burnt my flesh. As iron sharpens iron indeed. Grace is the part I need to really keep in the forefront. I tend to intellectualize, which really translates into ‘legalize’ things too much. The jots and tittles will get us into a world of hurt. Looking forward to a retreat at the Hermitage with my husband one of these days. Your blog really helps us. So thanks!
Roger · July 30, 2008 at 7:58 am
Lori,
I am so glad my blogging is making a difference for you guys! It’s a good encouragement/reminder for me to keep active and current with it by making it a priority. And I can so relate to your response to Sacred Marriage and your comments about intellectualizing-legalizing. Sometimes I can really get upset at the mirrors God offers me, because I don’t like the pictures I see of my self. I just have to keep remembering two important things:
1. God really loves the screw-up I see in the mirror. (For a great song, check out “Refrigerator Art” on Allen Levi’s album, Talking with Tyler.)
2. Looking in a mirror may not be pleasant, but at least it gives me a chance to see what’s messy and do something about it. And, if I’m willing, I can even see and enjoy the improvements in the looking glass along the way.