Raising Confident Kids in an InstaSnap World

Over the past three to five years, I have seen a dramatic rise in social anxiety struggles as a reason teens are coming to see me in my counseling practice. This social anxiety commonly shows up in two intertwined ways in their lives: struggles with self-doubt / negative self image and being able to easily and effectively connect with real life conversational/social dynamics. While I’m not out to vilify social media or try to bar our kids from using it altogether, I do believe the process of entering into the adolescent journey already immersed in a world of social media is by far the biggest contributor to this teen social anxiety trend I’ve been seeing. Seeing one’s self, others, and basically the whole world filtered through the various lenses of social media is changing how all of us see ourselves, others, and basically the whole world. And since young adolescents are really just beginning to see and define and process the world socially (with significant depth and understanding) for the first time in their lives, this social media immersion is having a far more dramatic effect on them than it is on us adults.

Social media is only gaining ground in its prevalence and significance. So, what can parents do about it?

• Don’t get too focused on one particular social media app. They are going to morph with time, in terms of popularity and function. Get used to that. But do stay on top of what social media platforms YOUR teen and their friends are using, and what they are doing with them.
• Regularly (but not constantly) ask your teens about what’s happening in their social media world, and to share some of it with you directly, if they are willing. You may just be shocked how willing they are to share, if you are genuine in your interest, and are very cautious about getting reactive or judgy about what they share.
• Institute on or two days/evenings a week that are designated as social media free. Challenge, inspire, and direct your teens to do things other than engage social media apps and video gaming. So much the better if these activities are outside – especially if they are “in nature.” Encourage them to have a mixture of social and solitary non-digital activities.
• Help your kids develop a trend on social media of sharing more about meaningful activities, ideas, opportunities, and experiences than about appearances. Help them see the value in sharing more about the beauty of the natural world and good deeds or injustices of humanity than about their own or others’ seeming physical attractiveness.

Help your kids develop a solid and healthy self-image.

• Regularly tell your kids:
  • you love them.
  • what you love about them.
  • what qualities, choices, habits, character, etc. they exhibit that make you particularly proud of them. (Emphasizing character far more than athletics, achievements, etc.)
  • that you will always love them and be willing to hear them, help them, and guide them.
• Insist your teens be involved in at least one activity that challenges them to learn, practice, develop, and cooperate with others throughout a significant portion of the year. (But there can bee too much of a good thing! Don’t overload them or let them overload themselves.)
• Find ways as a family to stay involved in serving others in your community.
• Expect your kids to read books regularly beyond those required for school. These can include a variety of fiction, non-fiction, biography, historical, inspirational, educational, spiritual, etc. Discuss what they are reading with them. Ask them questions that challenge them to think and express critically, and really listen to what they have to say.
• Have the same kinds of conversations with them regarding their music, gaming, and video entertainment choices.

Help your kids develop confident and effective social skills.

• Be sure your kids are regularly joining you / the family for real conversation around the dinner table and/or living room. This is a critical place to develop social skills, and many kids are increasingly living in their own digital space, rather than in real world interactions with parents and family.
• Be sure your kids are regularly engaging in real world activities with friends, rather than sticking solely (or even primarily) with online virtual interactions. It’s not that the online virtual socializing is bad – it is just different from real world interaction, and should not be allowed to replace it.
• Make opportunities for your kids to have their friends over to your home, and parents should actively participate in some the conversational time with them. Don’t dominate it, but make sure you do participate in some of it. This helps you assess, model, and support social interactions for your kids.

Work together as a parent/family/school/church/team community. Directly engage with other parents and even with school organizations regarding social opportunities and expectations. Regularly discuss with one another the place and function of various social media apps, group activities, and issues like curfew, drinking, vaping, smoking, bullying, etc. Encourage one another in the spirit of being a proactive and connected village raising your kids together!