Parenting with Perspective: Your Teen/Child is an Individual

Parenting with Perspective: Your Teen/Child is an Individual

Sometimes we get frustrated, as parents, because our kids aren’t doing things the way we think we would be doing them if we were in their shoes. In fact, this is probably a huge understatement! I’m here to tell you today there are several reasons we need to be aware of this tendency, on our part, and be careful of it: 

1. None of our kids are actually a “Mini-Me,” no matter how much we may share similarities. Yes, they may have styles and tendencies and strengths and struggles that remind us greatly of ourselves. Maybe a lot of them. And having this framework of awareness can even be helpful for us to “get” them more quickly and in more beneficial ways. But they are, in fact, different people from us. And continuing to get to know them for who they are, including regularly asking about their experiences with an eagerness to really listen and adjust, is a huge way for us to be the most helpful parents possible for each of our kids at any point in their lives. It may well increase the peace and positive connection in our relationships, as well!

2. Our kids are growing up in a different time, culture, and environment than we did. Your kids may be growing up in the same town or area where you grew up. And you may be doing your best to raise them with the same kind of values, rules, expectations, etc. that you remember growing up with. But Dylan was correct when he told us, “The times, they are a-changing!” The particulars of societies are always changing with time, to one degree or another. And a lot of things have changed a lot in the past 25 years! And 50 years and 100 years, for that matter. In order to be as understanding and helpful as possible to our kids, decreasing their frustration and ours, we need to remain aware and informed of how much different the world of their upbringing is from our own. 

3. We are looking at their present choices, attitudes, and patterns from the perspective of an adult with that much more life experience and (hopefully) growth than they have. That biases the way we see them and their actions, whether we realize it or not. And we do well to realize it, because that may help us tap into more grace, patience, and helpful responses to them. We weren’t as sharp as we like to think we were at their age. And we also may not even be as mature and effective Now as we like to think we are. Which brings us to my last point…

4. We really don’t know how we would handle being in their present circumstances. I’m not suggesting we look at ourselves as failures or as incompetent, or anything of the sort. But I can tell you this from a lot of experience in this work: If our kids feel like we are looking at THEM that way, we have become part of the problem. Period. And the more we cultivate an attitude of humility, curiosity, grace, and faith in relation to our kids, the more likely we are to develop a positive synergy with them with the best possible growth, relational experience, and outcomes for all.