parenting encouragement

Jesus: Standing and Serving on His Own Two Feet

The concept of “differentiation of self” was formally defined, explored, and explained by the late Murray Bowen, one of the great minds and founding grandfathers of the field of marriage and family therapy. While his mind and insights were incredibly keen, he wrote on a level that has been very difficult for most folks to easily understand and apply in a practical, meaningful way. Thankfully, others have picked up his torch and found more accessible ways to share his light with the world. I am grateful to find myself in this succession of torch-bearers, and I would like to share a bit with you today about what I have learned regarding the process and power of differentiation.

Here is my best definition of Differentiation: Standing on one’s own two feet. Speaking and acting with calm, courageous, honest integrity, despite any pressures being applied by people or circumstances outside oneself. Being who you know you should be in all circumstances, regardless of whether others praise, criticize, or ignore.

OK, so if you’re like me, you conquered this differentiation thing a long time ago, and always live according to this standard. Yeah, right!!! With the best of intentions, I continue to fall so short of this way of living in so many different circumstances. At the same time, I am grateful to say I am growing, and I come closer to this ideal more often today than in years past. Part of my growth has come through reading and studying about differentiation and related principles, through my academic and ongoing professional training and practice. Most of my growth has come through two far more powerful teachers – life experience and real life mentors.

Through every challenge, failure, and victory I have experienced in my life, I have had one great mentor there for me. He has shown me the best example I could possibly find. He has believed in me, and offered me a steady presence of loving, devoted encouragement. He has even forgiven me of every one of my mistakes and failures, including the ones so heinous I have almost been crushed under the weight of their shame. This mentor is Jesus, the only perfect example of human life and differentiation who has ever walked the planet. I will be sharing more later, but consider today the following glimpses into the life of my ultimate example. (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Authority

Here is a sneak peak at my upcoming column in the March/April issue of Southern Families Magazine.  I don’t know how much editing the column will undergo for publication, but here is my original, based on a question submitted from a parent through the Parenting 101 page on WAFB’s website.  Thanks to this mom for allowing me to share the basics of her situation and my response, so others can learn how to better address a very common parenting challenge.

Q.
“I have a very “outgoing” 5 year old in Kindergarten.  She is aware of the rules at school, and does her work with excellent marks.  The problem is she won’t stop talking in class, and sometimes sasses the teacher when she tries to correct her.  I really just need help in the respect area of authority it seems.”

A.
First of all, believe me – you are not alone!  The bad news is you are raising your daughter in a culture that largely tolerates behavior you and her teachers recognize to be disrespectful.  The good news is you have already recognized it while she is only 5 years old.  You can now steer her to the right path for a lifetime of respectfulness – which will almost certainly bring her greater peace, enjoyment, and success along the way.

The first key to putting an end to your daughter’s sassy ways is communicating with authority that you will no longer tolerate disrespect from her.  From now on you will expect her to be respectful to all adults and authorities in her life.  There is a huge difference between wishing she will change and expecting her to be respectful.  Expecting her to be respectful means speaking to her (and even looking at her) with a clear, consistent message that you are in charge – not her, and that you WILL NOT TOLERATE disrespect from her.  It also means truly believing she will respond correctly now, not skeptically hoping she might change some day.

You may be surprised how dramatically she responds to your newfound authority, but this will likely not provide the total solution. (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Responsible Children

Parenting 101 Respect

Hopefully, all of us parents want our children to grow up to be personally responsible, morally sound, basically self-sufficient adults who make a positive contribution to society. While there are no guarantees we can make this happen, we do have a great deal of power to lead our children on this path. If you are frequently frustrated by your children’s attitudes and actions of disrespect, laziness, sloppiness, disobedience, etc., TAKE HEART! Here are the five basic keys to steering your kids onto the right path – the path of personal responsibility:

1. EXPECT responsibility in your children. This is NOT the same as wishing, pleading, or even hoping your children will be responsible. Expecting them to be responsible means walking away when it is their time to work, rather than hovering over them to ensure they get it done and get it done right. Expecting responsibility in your kids sends a powerful message of how much you believe in them and their abilities – something children need like air and water. Whether your children are three, ten, fourteen, or eighteen, this principle will go so far to empower them in personal responsible!

2. Clearly communicate your expectations to your children. It is so important to explain your expectations to your children with authority and specificity. Speaking with authority is tied directly to the previous point. It means expecting your children to follow your instruction and leading, because you believe in them. It also means KNOWING you are the primary authority in your children’s lives. How many times have you engaged your children in verbal/emotional battles of will, hoping you will emerge victorious, with your kids coming to a greater respect for your authority? How often does it work out the way you were hoping? How drained are you when you finally get there with them? When you speak to your children from a solid position of authority, not waiting for the results to tell you if you really are the authority, they are far more likely to respect you and follow your leadership. (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Who’s In Control?

As you might imagine, in my counseling practice I see a lot of power struggles, conflicts, and misbehavior. Things are not going well, so people seek professional guidance to improve their marriage or family relationships. (I also work with people on “individual” issues, but this post will focus on relationships.) As I ask questions and hear descriptions of relationship and behavior patterns, I inevitably hear a number of ways each individual has contributed to the problem. It is also quite common to hear a lot of excuses and blaming to explain away the misbehavior (and misbehavior can certainly take on many, many forms). Let me get real, here. I’ve done the same thing myself, plenty of times. But explaining away poor choices by way of making excuses and blaming others is never helpful to the relationship or to either individual. Let me say that again…

Explaining away poor choices by way of making excuses and blaming others is never helpful to the relationship or to either individual.

Oh, it might make you feel better for a while by bringing some temporary relief. It might get you out of a tight spot, and feeling like you got away with it this time. But it isn’t helpful. It isn’t healthy. It does not help you or your relationship to grow. Enough with the negative language. If you really want to improve your relationships – with your spouse, your child, your parents, your co-workers, or whoever – (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

There’s no place like…CAMP!

Q – How do I know if my child is ready for a “sleep-away” camp?

A – Most children can handle the away from home camp experience around age 8, 9, or 10. Certainly, your child’s personality is a big factor. Some are more independent, while others are more “homebodies.” However, one of the most important factors is whether or not YOU, the parent, are ready for your child to go away to camp. If the thought of sending your child to a camp away from home makes you nervous, consider starting him/her at a day camp at an earlier age. This can help get both of you ready for the big transition. Also, don’t start with a camp that lasts for a big chunk of the summer – one week is a reasonable length for the first big camp experience.

Q – How can I prepare my child for camp?

A – Talk about it well before the time comes, and keep the conversation positive. Emphasize the fun and the new experiences, adventures, and friendships your child will discover at camp. Empower your child by letting your child know how much you believe in her/him. The two most important skills your child needs to ensure a positive camp experience are both relational: 1. respecting and obeying authorities, and 2. treating others with respect. Obviously, these are attributes that won’t be developed overnight, and should be foundational in the day to day raising and training of children.

Q – Why should I send my child away to camp?

A – There are so many great benefits of the camp experience! Children have an opportunity to develop a greater sense of healthy independence, which will serve them well for life. Many new skills and activities can be learned at camp, from crafts to sports to group games to fun songs and skits. Kids really get to grow in new ways at camp. It is also an opportunity to expose your children to the benefits of healthy mentors – people other than parents that are willing to invest time in kids to help them grow up well. Camp offers the vital element of allowing kids to take risks – both physical and social – in a supervised and encouraging environment. Boys and girls both need the chance to take risks to help them mature and develop a strong sense of self-confidence and positive identity. Another increasingly important element of camp is the break it offers kids from electronic entertainment and gadgetry. No TV, internet, movies, or video games. Trust me, this is a really healthy break for your children and teens. And even if your camp allows cell phones, I strongly recommend keeping them at home. If there is an emergency, believe me, the camp will get in touch with you. Otherwise, you and your child could both benefit from cutting the electronic string for a week or so. Which brings me to the final camp benefit – it offers parents an opportunity to take a parenting vacation. You deserve it, and shouldn’t feel guilty for enjoying it. It is healthy for you and for your kids.

Q – What kind of camp choices are there? (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Dangerous

I’ll be posting some more of my own thoughts later this weekend, but for now, I’ve just got to pass this along.

                                                 Dangerous Book 

My good friend, Troy, just told me about this book.  It’s called “The Dangerous Book for Boys” by Conn & Hal Iggulden, two brothers from the UK.  It has become a runaway best seller over there, and is set to be released in the US on May 1.  Following are some excerpts from an interview Amazon did with Conn Iggulden:  (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago