marriage / relationships

Marriage 1.3

Okay, in fairness to my Marriage 1.0 and 1.1 posts, this one challenges a “funny” email from a male perspective. Here is the email, followed by my comments:

“Earl and Bubba (feel free to insert Boudreaux and Thibodeaux if that works better for you) are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing, and drinking beer, when suddenly Bubba says, ‘I think I’m gonna divorce my wife – she ain’t spoke to me in over two months.’

Earl spits, sips his beer, and says, ‘Better think it over. Women like that are hard to find.'”

And the hilarious message is…marriage would be great if women just shut up and didn’t bother us husbands by talking to us. Now there’s intimacy at its finest! Sure, there are plenty of women who would do well to learn to not try so hard to change their husbands, or to understand when to just remain quiet and appreciate the silent connection. And the same could be said of many men as well. Again, I believe this “funny” email represents a common marital challenge. With the right perspective and effort on the part of both husbands and wives, this frequent source of tension can be greatly transformed to facilitate the kind of intimacy men and women both desire in marriage.

It is amazing what kind of healthy changes happen in a marriage when a spouse who “talks too much” can learn to stop actively trying to change their mate to fit into the mold of their choosing. However, this can be hard to let go of when one’s spouse seems to frequently engage in behaviors that just seem so intolerable to you. But consider this…how often has your “nagging” or “badgering” (could be wife or husband) actually created the desired change in your spouse? Doesn’t it usually just lead either to big conflict or to silent separation, often followed by an actual increase in the detested behavior? Or sometimes the behavior does decrease or change, but is accompanied by so much complaining or passive-aggressive jabbing that you end up wishing your spouse were still doing the first thing and you had never made it an issue. Sound familiar to anyone?

I know this goes against the grain of your natural impulse (it certainly does mine), but watch what happens when you decide to (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Marriage 1.1

If you have not read my previous post, Marriage 1.0, I recommend doing so before you read this one. It will make much more sense that way.

“Please enter the command: ‘I Thought You Loved Me.exe’ and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.”

Ahhhhh…now that’s the kind of marital intimacy we all want so much, isn’t it? It ranks right up there with, “Please enter the command: ‘GET OFF MY BACK OR YOU WILL FIND OUT WHAT LOUD REALLY SOUNDS LIKE’ and make sure to simultaneously run Red Face 2.0 and Glare 5.5. If that application works as designed, Wife 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Peace and Quiet 3.2 and Dinner 4.5.” Wasn’t it the writer of Proverbs who said “The end justifies the means,” or was it Jesus or Paul, maybe?

Actually, you’ll not find that little nugget of worldly wisdom in the Bible, as it turns out to be very shallow and untrue. Wives, what do you really want most from your husbands, flowers and jewelry or the loving thoughtfulness that prompts these kinds of gifts? (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Marriage 1.0

Someone forwarded me the following email today, which is obviously written to be funny, even though it is based on very common real life experiences that are anything but funny. Maybe you’ve read it before. You may have even responded with a hearty LOL. But what is really so funny about it? For some, it may be one of those laugh to keep from crying kind of situations. Well, here’s the “cute” email (in italics), followed by my perspectives:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance — particularly in
the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
——————————————————

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: ‘I
Thought You Loved Me.exe’ and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t
forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1
is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

Men are schmucks and marriage sucks, and it is the plight of women to bear the burden of them both! Ha Ha. If this email hits a little too close to home, and your version of Marriage 1.0 is not at all the program you saw advertised on the box, take heart and read on. If you think I’m getting way too serious about this, and you just enjoyed reading the cute email forward – feel free to enjoy reading through it again and passing it on to your friends, but you may not want to read the rest of my post.

(more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Jesus: Standing and Serving on His Own Two Feet

The concept of “differentiation of self” was formally defined, explored, and explained by the late Murray Bowen, one of the great minds and founding grandfathers of the field of marriage and family therapy. While his mind and insights were incredibly keen, he wrote on a level that has been very difficult for most folks to easily understand and apply in a practical, meaningful way. Thankfully, others have picked up his torch and found more accessible ways to share his light with the world. I am grateful to find myself in this succession of torch-bearers, and I would like to share a bit with you today about what I have learned regarding the process and power of differentiation.

Here is my best definition of Differentiation: Standing on one’s own two feet. Speaking and acting with calm, courageous, honest integrity, despite any pressures being applied by people or circumstances outside oneself. Being who you know you should be in all circumstances, regardless of whether others praise, criticize, or ignore.

OK, so if you’re like me, you conquered this differentiation thing a long time ago, and always live according to this standard. Yeah, right!!! With the best of intentions, I continue to fall so short of this way of living in so many different circumstances. At the same time, I am grateful to say I am growing, and I come closer to this ideal more often today than in years past. Part of my growth has come through reading and studying about differentiation and related principles, through my academic and ongoing professional training and practice. Most of my growth has come through two far more powerful teachers – life experience and real life mentors.

Through every challenge, failure, and victory I have experienced in my life, I have had one great mentor there for me. He has shown me the best example I could possibly find. He has believed in me, and offered me a steady presence of loving, devoted encouragement. He has even forgiven me of every one of my mistakes and failures, including the ones so heinous I have almost been crushed under the weight of their shame. This mentor is Jesus, the only perfect example of human life and differentiation who has ever walked the planet. I will be sharing more later, but consider today the following glimpses into the life of my ultimate example. (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Who’s In Control?

As you might imagine, in my counseling practice I see a lot of power struggles, conflicts, and misbehavior. Things are not going well, so people seek professional guidance to improve their marriage or family relationships. (I also work with people on “individual” issues, but this post will focus on relationships.) As I ask questions and hear descriptions of relationship and behavior patterns, I inevitably hear a number of ways each individual has contributed to the problem. It is also quite common to hear a lot of excuses and blaming to explain away the misbehavior (and misbehavior can certainly take on many, many forms). Let me get real, here. I’ve done the same thing myself, plenty of times. But explaining away poor choices by way of making excuses and blaming others is never helpful to the relationship or to either individual. Let me say that again…

Explaining away poor choices by way of making excuses and blaming others is never helpful to the relationship or to either individual.

Oh, it might make you feel better for a while by bringing some temporary relief. It might get you out of a tight spot, and feeling like you got away with it this time. But it isn’t helpful. It isn’t healthy. It does not help you or your relationship to grow. Enough with the negative language. If you really want to improve your relationships – with your spouse, your child, your parents, your co-workers, or whoever – (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Forgiving

Forgiveness is an issue I must deal with on a frequent basis, because of my work as a marriage and family therapist. However, let’s face it – it is something we all must address at some point in our lives, probably many times throughout our lives. We live in a fallen world. We disappoint, hurt, and betray one another – spouses, family, friends, neighbors, enemies, co-workers, teammates, and any other relational context in which we find ourselves. And if we are to survive the human experience in any kind of healthy way, we must learn to forgive. Following are some of the things I have learned about the difficult and powerful process of forgiveness: (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Marital Cardiology

Although I’ve never been to medical school, people come to my office every day for cardiology exams. Most of the time, they don’t even know they have a heart condition, but the symptoms have finally compelled them to seek help. And their complaints sound something like this:

He just doesn’t listen to me!

She really doesn’t care about me anymore!

I’m sick of all the fighting.

etc…etc…etc

The list of specific complaints, issues, frustrations, and problems is a long one. However, I have learned that there is frequently a common source of the marital “sickness.” Someone in this marriage (often both spouses) has a heart condition. Jesus wisely explains to us that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. The way we speak and act in any relationship, certainly including marriage, is going to be a reflection of our inner life. Our attitudes and character, frequently referred to in scripture as our “heart,” is what drives the actions of our lives and who we are in our relationships. (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Spring Cleaning

It’s spring cleaning time at my house.  My wife and I have both hit that point over the last couple of weeks.  We want to get our house in order and experience the refreshing peace of spring cleaning.  I’ve got the yard mowed.  I even splurged on some expensive fertilizer/weed killer/ant killer and some new grass seed.  Never have I given such luxurious treatment to my lawn, but I decided it’s probably a good idea every few years.  My wife has been doing a lot of straightening and organizing and rearranging in the house, and we have gratefully had the money this year to pay a friend to come over and deep clean for us.  The yard is looking good.  Our closets are neat.  The kitchen is glowing.  The bathrooms are clean.  Even the furniture has been brightened.  The house smells fresh.

Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

It’s nice to have things fresh and in order.  And I think it is no coincidence that we do such cleaning in the spring.  Spring is the time when all of God’s creation bursts forth with new life.  Much that has appeared brown and withered and dead suddenly perks up and becomes green and full of life and blossoms.  And so we naturally feel the desire to clean our homes and give them the same rejuvenation God is giving the great outdoors.  What a great opportunity to get our houses in order!  I’m talking now about the lives and relationships that rest and play and work and reside within the rooms and yards that we are busily sprucing up with our spring cleaning efforts.  As for me… (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago