I’m going to take a big risk here, because my next statement may alienate many of you. I really loved the movie, “Napoleon Dynamite!” There, I said it. Now that you know this warped truth about me, you will have to decide whether or not to stay connected with my Read more…
The concept of “differentiation of self” was formally defined, explored, and explained by the late Murray Bowen, one of the great minds and founding grandfathers of the field of marriage and family therapy. While his mind and insights were incredibly keen, he wrote on a level that has been very difficult for most folks to easily understand and apply in a practical, meaningful way. Thankfully, others have picked up his torch and found more accessible ways to share his light with the world. I am grateful to find myself in this succession of torch-bearers, and I would like to share a bit with you today about what I have learned regarding the process and power of differentiation.
Here is my best definition of Differentiation: Standing on one’s own two feet. Speaking and acting with calm, courageous, honest integrity, despite any pressures being applied by people or circumstances outside oneself. Being who you know you should be in all circumstances, regardless of whether others praise, criticize, or ignore.
OK, so if you’re like me, you conquered this differentiation thing a long time ago, and always live according to this standard. Yeah, right!!! With the best of intentions, I continue to fall so short of this way of living in so many different circumstances. At the same time, I am grateful to say I am growing, and I come closer to this ideal more often today than in years past. Part of my growth has come through reading and studying about differentiation and related principles, through my academic and ongoing professional training and practice. Most of my growth has come through two far more powerful teachers – life experience and real life mentors.
Through every challenge, failure, and victory I have experienced in my life, I have had one great mentor there for me. He has shown me the best example I could possibly find. He has believed in me, and offered me a steady presence of loving, devoted encouragement. He has even forgiven me of every one of my mistakes and failures, including the ones so heinous I have almost been crushed under the weight of their shame. This mentor is Jesus, the only perfect example of human life and differentiation who has ever walked the planet. I will be sharing more later, but consider today the following glimpses into the life of my ultimate example. (more…)
If you haven’t read the story of David and Goliath lately, check it out (for the kids, take a look at Veggie Tales’ engaging animated version). What an incredible story! Let me set the stage:
At this time in Israel’s history, their great enemies were the Philistines, a warring people with whom they frequently fought. On this particular day, the two armies once again find themselves lined up for battle. In fact, they have been standing ready for battle on opposite sides of the Valley of Elah for 40 days. In the days of this type of combat, a common practice was to engage in a battle of champions, with both sides agreeing to award victory and defeat to the entire armies, based on the winner of a fight between the two chosen warriors. If you ever saw the movie “Troy,” you will have some idea of the scene.
On Israel’s side, you have…well no one. There is no champion. Instead, there is an entire army of battle-hardened soldiers, along with their mighty king (who was said to stand head and shoulders above the men of Israel), shaking in their armor, listening day after day to the pagan taunts of the Philistine champion. But before you look down on the men of Israel and scorn them for their cowardice, take a look at the monster standing at the battle line. HE IS OVER NINE FEET TALL!!! I live down in LSU country, alma mater of the great Shaquille O’Neal. Try to imagine yourself standing in front of Shaq, who stands officially at 7’1”. Look up – that’s big, a full foot taller than me, a man of slightly taller than average height. Now, picture Shaq standing in front of Goliath. Shaq is looking way up – at least two feet! He’s standing up somewhere between the belly and the armpits of this ogre. And talk about “swolt up,” Goliath’s armor weighed 125 pounds, and he wore it with the ease of a linebacker in his football pads. Will no one fight this guy? Of course not!
Enter David, younger brother of three of Saul’s finest. (more…)
Normally when I make movie recommendations, it is to rent a video and watch it at home, typically for some “therapeutic” value. Let’s face it – watching movies on the big screen costs a fortune these days, and a lot of it is junk. Having said that… You need to Read more…
I’ll be posting some more of my own thoughts later this weekend, but for now, I’ve just got to pass this along.
My good friend, Troy, just told me about this book. It’s called “The Dangerous Book for Boys” by Conn & Hal Iggulden, two brothers from the UK. It has become a runaway best seller over there, and is set to be released in the US on May 1. Following are some excerpts from an interview Amazon did with Conn Iggulden: (more…)
Today I was discussing with a client how important REAL FRIENDS are in times of hardship and crisis. She has one such friend in her life, and we sadly agreed that many people don’t even have one friend with whom they can be truly open. Let’s face it – alone is Hell. God said in the very beginning, after making the first man, Adam, “It’s not good for man to be alone.” In the great wisdom book of Ecclesiastes, the author tells us to “pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up.” We need friends. We need people we can trust to accept us and love us when we take off our masks and come out from behind our walls and get Real. We need friends.
I talk to so many hurting people who feel so alone. Sometimes their actual problems aren’t as bad as the pain of facing those problems alone. Alone is Hell. We need friends. It is truly astonishing the amount of hope that stirs in a human spirit, simply by having someone enter into one’s most vulnerable space and state clearly (with or without words), “I’m here with you.” What a gift to be wandering blindly through a terrible storm of life, and to realize a trusted friend has quietly joined you with an umbrella and a light and no words of condemnation! Or the profound comfort in awaking in a hospital bed to realize the calm presence of the person beside you is not your doctor, but your friend. Or the friend who loves you enough to sit quietly beside you because no words can heal your hurt, when all others have abandoned you because no words can heal your hurt. And don’t forget the simple, yet fulfilling joy of talking and laughing and sharing things with a true friend in ways that would lead others to think you strange, while your friend truly enjoys these moments as uniquely you.
Take a minute to consider if you have been blessed to have one or more REAL FRIENDS. If so, please let them know how much they mean to you. You may assume they understand without it having to be said. Say it anyway. Can you imagine your life without that friend? I would like to take a few moments to say thanks to my REAL FRIENDS. As I pause and reflect, I realize God has given me more than most… (more…)