inspiration

Who’s In Control?

As you might imagine, in my counseling practice I see a lot of power struggles, conflicts, and misbehavior. Things are not going well, so people seek professional guidance to improve their marriage or family relationships. (I also work with people on “individual” issues, but this post will focus on relationships.) As I ask questions and hear descriptions of relationship and behavior patterns, I inevitably hear a number of ways each individual has contributed to the problem. It is also quite common to hear a lot of excuses and blaming to explain away the misbehavior (and misbehavior can certainly take on many, many forms). Let me get real, here. I’ve done the same thing myself, plenty of times. But explaining away poor choices by way of making excuses and blaming others is never helpful to the relationship or to either individual. Let me say that again…

Explaining away poor choices by way of making excuses and blaming others is never helpful to the relationship or to either individual.

Oh, it might make you feel better for a while by bringing some temporary relief. It might get you out of a tight spot, and feeling like you got away with it this time. But it isn’t helpful. It isn’t healthy. It does not help you or your relationship to grow. Enough with the negative language. If you really want to improve your relationships – with your spouse, your child, your parents, your co-workers, or whoever – (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Now

Nothing ever gets done “later!”

This simple statement is the foundation of a radical change that has been occurring in my life over the last few weeks. Procrastination has long been one of my great weaknesses, and the source of much needless stress in my life. Well, I recently had an epiphany – one of those moments of clarity where you suddenly see things from a whole new viewpoint of meaning. I was listening to a cd from a motivational speaker named R. Duane Huff when it occurred to me how often I say to myself in so many different situations, “I’ll do it later.” I could see this mentality as one of the biggest roots of my procrastination problem, and decided then and there to eliminate the phrase “I’ll do it later” from my vocabulary. So far, so good.

I realize there are times when more than one thing need my attention, and I know I can’t do everything right now. So, here is the second part of my new approach to life, and this was the part Duane was addressing that turned the light on for me: (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Running to Battle

If you haven’t read the story of David and Goliath lately, check it out (for the kids, take a look at Veggie Tales’ engaging animated version). What an incredible story! Let me set the stage:

At this time in Israel’s history, their great enemies were the Philistines, a warring people with whom they frequently fought. On this particular day, the two armies once again find themselves lined up for battle. In fact, they have been standing ready for battle on opposite sides of the Valley of Elah for 40 days. In the days of this type of combat, a common practice was to engage in a battle of champions, with both sides agreeing to award victory and defeat to the entire armies, based on the winner of a fight between the two chosen warriors. If you ever saw the movie “Troy,” you will have some idea of the scene.

On Israel’s side, you have…well no one. There is no champion. Instead, there is an entire army of battle-hardened soldiers, along with their mighty king (who was said to stand head and shoulders above the men of Israel), shaking in their armor, listening day after day to the pagan taunts of the Philistine champion. But before you look down on the men of Israel and scorn them for their cowardice, take a look at the monster standing at the battle line. HE IS OVER NINE FEET TALL!!! I live down in LSU country, alma mater of the great Shaquille O’Neal. Try to imagine yourself standing in front of Shaq, who stands officially at 7’1”. Look up – that’s big, a full foot taller than me, a man of slightly taller than average height. Now, picture Shaq standing in front of Goliath. Shaq is looking way up – at least two feet! He’s standing up somewhere between the belly and the armpits of this ogre. And talk about “swolt up,” Goliath’s armor weighed 125 pounds, and he wore it with the ease of a linebacker in his football pads. Will no one fight this guy? Of course not!

Enter David, younger brother of three of Saul’s finest. (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Forgiving

Forgiveness is an issue I must deal with on a frequent basis, because of my work as a marriage and family therapist. However, let’s face it – it is something we all must address at some point in our lives, probably many times throughout our lives. We live in a fallen world. We disappoint, hurt, and betray one another – spouses, family, friends, neighbors, enemies, co-workers, teammates, and any other relational context in which we find ourselves. And if we are to survive the human experience in any kind of healthy way, we must learn to forgive. Following are some of the things I have learned about the difficult and powerful process of forgiveness: (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Curiosity

Last Friday I had an opportunity to take the son of some good friends of ours with me for an afternoon at the Bluebonnet Swamp. They are basically family to us, so he is like a nephew to me. I was looking forward to the afternoon for several weeks, since we first discussed the possibility. He is always a lot of fun. He is a very smart boy, and, frankly, you never know what he is going to say. However, the truth is, I really felt like I was doing something for him more than he would be doing anything for me. He loves bugs and critters and wildlife, and had never been to the Bluebonnet Swamp. This was an opportunity for me to share something with him that he was sure to love. Little did I know how much I would learn from him!

Even though I love casually strolling along the path through the swamp and woods when I go by myself, for some reason I felt compelled to move along more quickly with my buddy there. I guess I wanted to be able to show him all there is to see. To put it simply – he went at a much slower pace. At first, I felt a bit frustrated. As Willy Wonka put it, “There’s so much time and so little to see! Strike that. Reverse it.” (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Believe

Many things happen in our lives that are beyond our control. I fully recognize this. To believe otherwise is to live in a fantasy world. And yet, so much of our experience of life is within our control and influence. I appreciate the rich wisdom of the “Serenity Prayer,” made very popular through the 12-step addiction recovery programs:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Today I want to focus on how much power we do have over our own lives and experiences. So much of who we are, who we become, and what we experience in life is driven by what we believe about ourselves, one another, and life in general. The best way to find out what someone really believes is not to ask philosophical questions about their worldview. Just look at their life and actions. We act on what we believe, regardless of what we say we believe.

For example… (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Storms

My wife and I recently spent a weekend away together at the Parish Hermitage. Our time there was all that we hoped it would be. God’s Spirit breathed into us just what we needed at this time in our lives. And it all started with a storm. As we stopped Read more…

By Roger Butner, ago

Marital Cardiology

Although I’ve never been to medical school, people come to my office every day for cardiology exams. Most of the time, they don’t even know they have a heart condition, but the symptoms have finally compelled them to seek help. And their complaints sound something like this:

He just doesn’t listen to me!

She really doesn’t care about me anymore!

I’m sick of all the fighting.

etc…etc…etc

The list of specific complaints, issues, frustrations, and problems is a long one. However, I have learned that there is frequently a common source of the marital “sickness.” Someone in this marriage (often both spouses) has a heart condition. Jesus wisely explains to us that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. The way we speak and act in any relationship, certainly including marriage, is going to be a reflection of our inner life. Our attitudes and character, frequently referred to in scripture as our “heart,” is what drives the actions of our lives and who we are in our relationships. (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago

Frolicking

Many of you were in the same place I was at some point today (Easter Sunday) – at church.  The celebration of Jesus’ resurrection from the dead is the central hope and foundation of the Christian faith.  His new life brings the promise of new life to us today, to all who call on his name and give our lives in service to the High King.  The hope and promise of Easter Sunday is eternal life, joy, and blessings beyond measure.  No wonder we call it Good News!

And yet, so many of us living with this hope face our days with a spirit of sombre obligation.  What do I have to do today?  What demands must be met?  What might go wrong?  How close am I to living up to someone else’s expectations?  Is this all there is?  Even in our worship services together at church we can so easily bring this same demeanor of going through the motions and just doing what we have to do.  Our Easter service this morning was nice.  We sang some pretty songs and dwelt on the power of the resurrection of Christ.  But I didn’t really see or feel a genuine spirit of celebration in anyone.  Grateful?  Yes.  Happy?  Oh, many looked happy.  Hopeful?  I definitely saw hopefulness around me.  But genuine celebration?  Not really.  Why is this? (more…)

By Roger Butner, ago