Three Concerns with “Co-Sleeping”
In conjunction with my Parenting 101 interview on WAFB on January 25, here are my basic thoughts regarding co-sleeping, which has been in the news of late. I will expand on the post as I have more time and energy, hopefully tomorrow. My Dad is in serious condition in the hospital, I have had a very long day of fairly intense work with clients in therapy, found out a dear friend’s daughter killed her self this weekend, and I am fried. But I will be honoring my commitment to bring a positive word of guidance to the parent-viewers of WAFB tomorrow morning, and I wanted to have this available on line for anyone who wanted to reference it after the interview…
When I was at WAFB’s news studio with my son’s Cub Scout pack on Saturday, I saw the piece on co-sleeping, and I simply MUST respond in Parenting 101! The families I saw who were interviewed were not parents of infants – these were “big kids.”
– I recommend making appropriate sleeping arrangements for children outside of the parents’ bed from the beginning.
– I recommend this much more strongly after the age of 2.
– I have three different concerns regarding co-sleeping, and the problems I see that can be tied up in this arrangement:
1. Children call the shots. I recognize there are some folks who are very intentional about co-sleeping, and it isn’t driven by the kids, but by the purposeful choice of the parents. Fine. But with so many families that fall into a regular, extended practice of co-sleeping, it is because the children insist on it in one way or another, and the parents do whatever their kids want. Kids need parents to be in charge, regardless of what they think they need!
2. Family revolves around children. I believe family life is actually healthiest for our children when it revolves around the husband and wife relationship, not the children. Of course we should nurture our children, cultivate healthy attachments with them, and work to guide them with as much personalized, hands-on leadership as possible. But as our children move through and emerge from toddlerhood, they need to realize that neither the world nor their family revolves around them. Orienting our lives and homes around our kids may feel good now, but it can really train them to believe that this world is here to serve them, rather than vice versa.
3. Where’s the marital intimacy? Seriously, not only how are husband and wife able to enjoy regular, spontaneous sexual intimacy, but how about making time for conversational and non-sexual physical intimacy? Family cuddling time is great, and there is an important time and place for it. But if that time and place is Mom and Dad’s bedtime, Mom and Dad can slowly (or quickly) forget about being spouses and lovers, in place of their child-centered roles as co-parents.
So, how about you? What is your perspective on “co-sleeping?” What are your questions or concerns? If you are an advocate, why? Share your thoughts with us, and let’s talk about it.
7 Comments
Laura McCann · January 25, 2011 at 4:33 am
Our children slept in our bed for the first year. We had rondevous in other areas of the home. Breastfeeding was so much easier and everybody got sleep with us all in the same room. We enjoyed many talks while the children were sleeping next to us. I know that it doesn’t work for everyone, but for our family it worked beautifully.
Dr. Roger D. Butner · January 25, 2011 at 6:28 pm
Thanks for sharing your positive experience, Laura! My wife and I thought we were going to lose our minds, our marriage, or both during our son’s first nocturnal 6 months. Given that, I LOVE that your family time of infancy was a restful one. Praise God!
And note that my emphasis in this post is on the risks of co-sleeping after a child is 2. While I do prefer and recommend having a cradle/crib for infants, I do understand and respect the benefits extolled by folks such as your self who have had positive experiences.
Thanks again for sharing.
Rachel · February 12, 2011 at 5:20 pm
This whole idea of kids needing their own sleep space is a fairly new one, historically, and is still fairly unique to some developed nations.
My oldest slept in our bed for the first 3 years of her life, and on the floor in our room for the next two. I imagine we could have transitioned her earlier, but we were in no hurry. My 4 year old still ends up in the floor in our room most nights, and the (almost) 2 year old still sleeps between my husband and I. It has never presented problems to our communication or inhibited intimacy, nor, as Rosemond suggests, has it caused our children to be confused about where authority in our house lies.
Allowing our children to “call the shots” against our own better judgement is damaging in all areas, to be sure, but choosing co-sleeping because it is how everyone sleeps best just makes sense.
When we had children, we invited other people in to our family. I see no reason to elevate the marriage relationship *above* the children– I believe this is just as damaging as elevating the children’s needs above the marriage or the family– although, especially in infancy, as the grown-ups, we sometimes choose to put our own needs aside for a time to attend to the more pressing needs of the babies.
Laura McCann · January 25, 2011 at 4:33 am
Our children slept in our bed for the first year. We had rondevous in other areas of the home. Breastfeeding was so much easier and everybody got sleep with us all in the same room. We enjoyed many talks while the children were sleeping next to us. I know that it doesn’t work for everyone, but for our family it worked beautifully.
Dr. Roger D. Butner · January 25, 2011 at 6:28 pm
Thanks for sharing your positive experience, Laura! My wife and I thought we were going to lose our minds, our marriage, or both during our son’s first nocturnal 6 months. Given that, I LOVE that your family time of infancy was a restful one. Praise God!
And note that my emphasis in this post is on the risks of co-sleeping after a child is 2. While I do prefer and recommend having a cradle/crib for infants, I do understand and respect the benefits extolled by folks such as your self who have had positive experiences.
Thanks again for sharing.
Rachel · February 12, 2011 at 5:20 pm
This whole idea of kids needing their own sleep space is a fairly new one, historically, and is still fairly unique to some developed nations.
My oldest slept in our bed for the first 3 years of her life, and on the floor in our room for the next two. I imagine we could have transitioned her earlier, but we were in no hurry. My 4 year old still ends up in the floor in our room most nights, and the (almost) 2 year old still sleeps between my husband and I. It has never presented problems to our communication or inhibited intimacy, nor, as Rosemond suggests, has it caused our children to be confused about where authority in our house lies.
Allowing our children to “call the shots” against our own better judgement is damaging in all areas, to be sure, but choosing co-sleeping because it is how everyone sleeps best just makes sense.
When we had children, we invited other people in to our family. I see no reason to elevate the marriage relationship *above* the children– I believe this is just as damaging as elevating the children’s needs above the marriage or the family– although, especially in infancy, as the grown-ups, we sometimes choose to put our own needs aside for a time to attend to the more pressing needs of the babies.
Mike · July 29, 2011 at 3:35 pm
My partner falls asleep breastfeeding our 2 yr old almost every night – at about 8:30. This has become the bedtime routine for her. We all sleep in our king bed. This has worked out ok and of course it’s so nice to snuggle up a baby. But now things are changing and I’m feeling like time for intimacy of any kind has been practically eliminated – not even a conversation uninterrupted by kids… we have 2 older girls as well. Sometimes we’ll flirt a little during the day and have a plan to meet after baby is sleeping. But almost always my partner will be sleeping as well. I’m feeling like this has become an unhealthy routine and is damaging “us”. Something good has gone too far and now our relationship is missing something extremely important. I’m ok with co-sleeping… But I’m not ok with this routine that has developed around it.