They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  This is what I call living!  Lord, keep teaching me through children.

(p.s. – I haven’t forgotten about my Elijah/God post.  I will share the rest of the story as soon as I finish some work that needs finishing.)

I will never forget the tension and anxiety that permeated my house and family as I crossed the bridge from ignorance to knowledge regarding the fundamentals of sex.  Let me take you on a quick trip back to this poignant memory in my life.

I was in the fifth grade at a private Christian school.  Our school’s approach to sex education was to set aside one afternoon each year for the fifth and sixth grade guys and the fifth and sixth grade girls to meet together with a teacher of their own gender to watch a cartoon about the basic purposes, biology, mechanics, and functions of human sex and to spend time in Q & A / discussion about it.  In order to participate in the video viewing and discussion, students had to get their parents to sign a consent form and return it to the school.  No big deal, right?  Well, depends on your personality and your family dynamics.

I sensed immediately this was something that would be unpleasant at best, and should probably be avoided at all costs.  Somehow I had gotten the clear message that issues of sexuality were taboo in our household.  And I complied with all my might!  I brought that consent form home and silently laid it on the kitchen counter, hoping and praying my parents would sign it and leave it for me to return without having to face the terrifying awkwardness of this unknown conversational territory with them.  Well, my folks signed it an left it there for me without comment or question.  AFTER LEAVING IT SITTING SILENTLY ON THAT KITCHEN COUNTER FOR A WHOLE WEEK!  I think simple breathing was difficult that week.  The only two things that changed the next year were I spent more time in anticipatory worry and my parents signed the paper the first night.

I don’t know for sure how or when I will face this issue with my son.  And I’m sure I won’t get it all right.  But I’m sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that I won’t do it the way my folks did.  Oh yeah, there was also that time in the third or fourth grade when I asked my Dad out in our country backyard why the roosters were always attacking the hens, and he replied, “They’re making love, Son.”  Okay, Dad – check!

My point is not to vilify my parents or rake them over the coals.  My Mom may very well end up reading this post, and I wrestled with whether or not to share it.  I decided to share it with you because I think it typifies the kind of anxiety that so often keeps parents from having The Tough Talks with their kids in a purposeful, effective, and helpful manner.  After you finish laughing at me and my family (don’t be too hard on us – we all have our goofy stuff), you may find your self still unsure about how to have The Tough Talks with your own kids.  If so, I won’t laugh at you, but I will offer the following for your consideration and implementation.

• Being uncomfortable talking to your kids about sex, alcohol, drugs, morals, divorce, etc is perfectly okay.  As long as you are willing to take a breath, say a prayer, and have the Tough Talks anyway.  Be a Nike parent.  JUST DO IT!
• Remember how much is at stake for your child.  Consider their chances of successfully navigating these waters without an experienced someone courageously showing them the way.  Consider where they may get their direction, if not from you.  Keep it in perspective.
• Practice saying the really hard stuff before you actually talk with your child.  Practice saying the really important stuff before you actually talk with your child.  Practice it with your spouse.  Practice it with a friend.  The more you practice saying the really hard/important stuff, the more you can get comfortable with the words and the greater your chances of getting them out at least halfway right with your kids.  Practice makes possible.
• Prep your child for The Tough Talk by having her/him read an assigned book, article, or manual before the conversation.  Equip your child for The Tough Talk. (By the way, my parents did get me a copy of “Preparing for Adolescents” by James Dobson at some point in there.)
• Prep your self, and maybe your child as well, with a movie that leads into the topic or inspires you to step up and lead courageously.  Movies and TV shows can provide some rich life-material ripe for thoughtful and meaningful conversation, if you will take the time to notice it, select it, and seize the moment.  Use entertainment media to your advantage.
• Start by discussing the level of discomfort in your self, and invite your child to do the same.  Once you have acknowledged the elephant in the living room, you will be more comfortable to go ahead with the guts of The Tough Talk.  Laugh at your discomfort!
• For crying out loud, don’t try to do this all alone or reinvent the wheel!  Ask your friends or trusted family members how they crossed this particular bridge (or similar ones).  Whether the stories you hear supply you with How-To or How-Not-To, you will be better equipped and less anxious when you step out on that bridge to lead your child across previously uncharted waters.  Ask friends for their stories.

I sincerely hope this is helpful in your quest to courageously, lovingly, and effectively lead your child through the challenging waters of life as you share The Tough Talks together.  I will be posting follow-up articles with specific tips for specific topics in the coming weeks and months, as I continue presenting my series of Having The Tough Talks on my Parenting 101 interview segment on WAFB at 6:15ish am the last Tuesday of the month.

I am rebooting the start date for the upcoming group I will be leading here in Baton Rouge.  I hate that there is such a need for this kind of group, but I have learned that the ugliness of reality is better faced than avoided.  I am doing what I can to face this particular painful reality and equip teens and their families with tools to overcome it in their lives.  Please do what you can to support this group by praying for us and sharing the word as you have opportunity.

Alternatives to Cutting for Teens (A.C.T.)

A psycho-educational group for male and female teens who want to stop self-injuring.

NEW START DATE!  June 1, 2010

7:00-8:30 pm on Tuesday evenings

Group runs for 10 weeks (through August 3)

- Space is limited to 12 participants -

$50/session or prepay total for $450

Murphy Toerner and Associates

C-K Office Park

Conference Room A (front building)

17170 Perkins Rd

Baton Rouge, LA 70810

Pre-registration is required to ensure participation.

Contact Dr. Butner for registration or further information (225-333-1582 or Roger@hopeforyourfamily.com )

- Ask about the 5-week group for parents! -

If you have not yet heard about the success of Urban Prep Academy in Chicago, check this out!  Hats off to these young men and the educators who have believed in them and called them out and up.

The world class athletes stand on wobbly legs, sweating profusely and wondering when this nightmare drill will end.  Some are doubled over at the goal line, retching, coughing, sputtering, and moaning.  Others have their bodies steeled and upright, but their minds are reeling.  Never in their lives have they experienced this kind of suffering.

Their jerseys declare them to be the 1980 USA hockey team.  Their halfhearted efforts on the ice and boyish comments on the bench have said otherwise tonight.  So here they are, doing line drills on the ice after the Norwegian team, all the fans, and even the rink manager have long since gone home for the night.

“AGAIN!” The whistle blows, and down and back they skate.  “AGAIN!” Another whistle blow.  Another down and back.  “AGAIN!” Down and back. “AGAIN!”  “AGAIN!” Despite the exhaustion of the players’ bodies, the disbelief of the assistant coach, and the protests of the team doctor, Coach Herb Brooks does not relent.  Over and over and over and over, the men skate the agonizing distance from one line to another, back and forth across the punishing ice.  “Back on that line.  Again!” “AGAIN!”  “AGAIN!” When will this madness end?!  Is the coach trying to kill his players?  Has he lost his mind?  Someone make it stop!!!

The rhythm is finally broken by the faltering voice of one of the players, who would eventually become team captain.  “Mike Eruzione…Winthrop, Massachusetts”  “Who do you play for?” “I play for…the United States of America!” “That’s all, gentlemen,” says Coach Brooks in a casual voice, and he turns and walks off the ice.

Do you think these men will EVER forget this lesson?!!

I think not.

Did these men learn their lesson?  Learn to play to their best ability as a team?

Ask the 1980 Soviet team!

Parents, today’s message is for us.  Buckle up.  And watch Disney’s “Miracle” about the 1980 USA hockey team while you’re at it.  It just might help drive home the point.

If we are not willing to allow our children to suffer for foolish choices, laziness, disrespect, and disobedience, then we are not willing to prepare them for life as God has called us to do.  In fact, many times it falls on our shoulders to actually induce the suffering in their lives, in an effort to help them muster the motivation to rise from their waywardness and walk on the right path.

Rewards in life are wonderful, and they can serve as helpful motivators along the way.  But let’s get honest here.  From the cradle to the grave, the life lessons most deeply impressed upon us have most often been etched into our memories by suffering.  When we suffer, we tend to become very motivated and very open to learning a better way.

And so it is with our children, be they 4, 10, 16, or beyond.  Now, I am not telling you that the key to successful parenting is to be cruel and sadistic, reveling in the pain and suffering of your children.  If that is your style, please get in to see me asap, so I can point you on a better way.  What I am telling you is that your children need you to love them enough and be devoted enough to their real, substantial growth of character that you will lovingly use the tool of suffering to guide them toward right living.

Yes, it hurts to see our children suffer.  Especially when they try to manipulate us into believing we are being cruel to them.  But we don’t do them any favors by standing back and watching them take the easier, softer way in life.  Whether they realize it or not, whether they appreciate it or not, whether they temporarily despise us for it or not, they need us to hold them accountable for their actions and see that they suffer enough for their misdeeds to find sufficient motivation to improve their ways and grow.  We must be willing to parent for the long haul, not just for the peace of the moment.

With Hope in Him, Dr. B

“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.”  Proverbs 22:15 (NIV)

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”  Proverbs 14:12 (NIV)

“Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.”  Proverbs 19:18 (NIV)

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”  Romans 5:3-5 (NIV)

* Thursdays from 7:00 pm to 8:30 pm

* 17170 Perkins Rd, Baton Rouge, LA 70810 (C-K Office Park)

* Please contact John Hall at 225-933-1542 if you are interested in attending, or would like more information.

And here are the rich words of wisdom I heard from God this morning, as I paused to seek fresh life from Him in the book of Proverbs (NCV):

“The wise say very little, and those with understanding stay calm.”  (17:27)

“What you say can mean life or death.  Those who speak with care will be rewarded.”  (18:21)

“People’s own foolishness ruins their lives, but in their minds they blame the LORD.”  (19:3)

“Being kind to the poor is like lending to the LORD; he will reward you for what you have done.  (19:17)

“Correct your children while there is still hope; do not let them destroy themselves.”  (19:18)

With Hope, Life, and Strength in Him,

Roger