I’m not even sure where I’m going to go with this post, but I have to write about the experience. My family and I are currently making plans for another Disney World trip. Right now, the primary decisions to made involve rooms – which resort and what type of rooms. As my wife and I were discussing the possibilities, and taking input from our seven year old son, he offered an unexpected twist. We wanted to know if he was more interested in the amenities available at one site over another. He was thinking along another line…

“I know!  I can share a room with Dad, and you can stay with Nana and Memaw, Mom!”

“But I want to stay with my husband, you know.”

“Yes, son, I really look forward to staying with my wife on our vacation time.”

“But this way, you girls can chat about girl stuff, and me and Dad can chat about guy stuff.”

“Oh really!  What kind of stuff were you thinking of?”

“You know!  Mom, you and Nana and Memaw can chat about beautiful stuff.  Dad, you and me can chat about destructive stuff.”

The kid is only seven years old and already has the solid gender constructs that femininity is about beauty and relational celebration, and masculinity is about destruction and explosive power! And it’s funny how this has impacted me as I consider it.  I am very pleased to know he has a clear distinction in his mind about masculinity and femininity, and that he obviously identifies with me (a virtual paragon of masculinity).  And on a very immature, flesh level, it feels good to hear him pick me as his favorite parent.  Look – just keepin it real, okay!

But I want him to understand that true masculinity, at its very best, is FAR more than having the power to destroy.  I am reminded of the scene from “The Lion King” where King Mufasa is talking to his young son, Simba, about what it means to be king.  At one point, Simba cries out, “But don’t kings get their way all the time?!”  To which his father replies, “Simba!  There’s more to being king than getting your way all the time!”  “There’s MORE!” exclaims the eager, yet self-centered lad.  Then Mufasa begins to explain to him the “Great Circle of Life.”

I think my son has just opened up a golden opportunity for me to expound upon his understanding of manhood, and help him catch a vision for a much grander identity and purpose.  I need to tell him and show him how a Real Man uses his strength to bless, lead, encourage, fight, equip, defend, build, and ultimately surrender to God’s greater purposes.  As my buddy, Hans, would say – “Time to man up!”

These images represent joy.  They are snapshots of diligence and reward.  But most importantly, they are pictures of faith in action!

Yesterday, I took Shep on a fishing “trip” to the local YMCA catch and release pond, where I hoped to share a couple of hours or so of good father-son bonding.  I suppose my three goals were to: 1. enjoy time with my son, 2. face my fears of inadequacy and clumsiness at outdoorsy stuff, and 3. help my son gain some knowledge and skill in fishing, so he can do more of it and enjoy a good thing that was largely missing from my childhood.  As it turns out, God had a far more important goal for these two fellas: TO GROW OUR FAITH!

My first challenge was walking into the bait and tackle shop.  I felt totally intimidated and out of place; as though I had a neon sign over my head that said, “Look at clumsy idiot who is pretending to be a man, but knows nothing about the ways of the Louisiana Sportsman.”  But, praise God, I received the grace and courage to march right into that testosterone-land with my son, show him around the store while we waited for the clerk to get free, and then ask the Manly Man if they sold live bait.  (I had been told worms were a good choice for where we would be fishing, and I remembered crickets were supposed to be another good choice.)  He didn’t seem to pick up on my fear-scent, and very respectfully sent us to the nearby live bait shack, where I proceeded to buy five bucks worth of crickets and nightcrawlers.  So far, so good.  Thank you, God for helping me grow up some more as a man and lead my son.  Now, time to hit the fishing hole!

We parked the truck close to the pond, grabbed our gear, and found a nice spot on the bank where I thought the bass would enjoy dining on the lunch we were prepared to offer them.  For about the first five minutes, I worked with Shep on his casting skills.  I did a fairly good job of balancing showing, watching, coaching, helping, and remaining silent.  Not an easy balance for me – I don’t know about you.  After that, he spent another five or ten minutes enjoying showing off his new casting skills as we watched in anticipation for that red and white bobber to dive under the water.  Not even one nibble, despite the tantalizing splashing of fish here and there around the pond.  He then decided I could take over the fishing, while he set out to smooth a strip of grass from the top of the hill down to the bank where I stood – rolling and tumbling down over and over like…a seven year old boy.  Then, in about five minutes, came the comment I had been dreading…

“Dad, fishing is BORING!  Let’s go!”

The Holy Spirit then prompted me to suggest we pray for God to send us some fish.  I know.  I know.  Many a fishermen over the centuries has prayed for fish, only to come up empty handed.  Maybe I was asking for trouble.  I just knew I wasn’t ready to give up on our day, I believe turning to God for help in ANY situation is always the right thing to do, and I wanted to use this mundane life experience as another lesson to point him to our Father.  He asked me if God would really do something like that – send fish to us, just because we asked.  I told him that Jesus once told his friends where to catch a whole boatload of fish after they had been up all night with not one fish, so this was definitely something God had done before.  So he joined me in a simple prayer of thanking God for the beautiful day and asking Him to send us some fish.  I was TOTALLY unprepared for what happened next!  (Totally revealing my need to grow in my faith.)

Shep says, just as matter of fact as you please, “Dad, God is telling me we should go over to that dark water by the bridge.  He is telling me that’s where the fish are.”

I almost laughed, but instead said, “Well, son, I think we should listen to God and do what He says.  Lead the way!”  Shep marched along the bank toward the bridge.  “Okay, son, I think this is close enough.”  “No, Dad.  God said the fish are over THERE!” “Okay, son, let’s do it God’s way.”  We finally reached the spot, and I put another cricket on the hook for him.  At this point, I have to tell you, I never even considered the faith-disappointment it would have been for him if we encountered no fish after praying and obeying.  That didn’t matter.

He threw a perfect strike at the shadowy shallow in the lake where God had directed his young eyes and heart.  WHAMMO!!!  Down went the bobber in ten seconds!  “Go!  Go!  Go!  Go!  Go!,” I yelled in encouragement.  And the pictures above are tribute to the incredible gift of God that followed.  We caught over a dozen fish (well, some were repeats, but that’s cool) together, with Shep catching most of them.  And as amazing as the gift of fish was, it was a trifle in comparison to the gift of faith God gave us both.  Especially me.

God, lead me to the childlike faith of my son.  Teach me to not only talk to you about everything in life, but to LISTEN FOR YOUR LOVING GUIDANCE.  Forgive me of my unbelief and my pride of self-sufficiency and my foolish ways of trying to fit you in a tidy little box.  And thank you for the gift of my son.  The two of you amazed me yesterday.

Sorry about the audio.  I’m still trying to figure out the best way to go from my DVR to computer/internet.  This was my first attempt with just a straight video recording of the TV.

Let’s start with two fundamental concepts on which I am building this blog post (and the interview I did on WAFB)…

1. Helping kids develop athletic skill and excellence is a good thing, and I believe it is generally a far better gift to them than just buying them more video games, toys, or other stuff.

2. Chances are slim that any of our children will ever be playing pro ball, and most of them will finish their athletic careers in high school.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s huddle up!

1. Rather than focusing too much on scores and W/L records, kids’ sports programs (read parents and coaches) should focus largely on experiencing teamwork, skill development, and character growth.

2. Rather than holding kids to adult expectations, coaches and parents should emphasize the process and victory of progress and growth.

3. Rather than dwelling on individual achievement, team sports should focus on teamwork and interactive encouragement.

4. Rather than consuming family lives and schedules in a stress-battering way, kids’ sports involvement should be a fun way to extend family character development.

5. Bottom line – kids’ sports programs should be a place to assist in the development of healthy, responsible, virtuous adults, and NOT an end unto themselves!

Certainly, the older kids are, and the more experienced the team, the more important it becomes to focus on skills and athleticism.  Granted.  But I still believe the above principles hold true, even throughout middle school and high school sports.

Finally, a couple of examples from my son’s seven year old coaches pitch baseball team.  I LOVED this little moment at their first practice!  At the post-practice huddle, Coach Brad asked the boys if they were doing well in school.  He then asked them specifically if any of them had gotten in trouble in the classroom that week.  Three of them confessed to having “their stars moved” once during the week (apparently, the discipline system used at the school where most of the boys attend).  Coach then proceeded to have the whole team (himself included) do three push ups to impress on them the importance of right behavior in the classroom and the fact that they are a team, on and off the field.  Hats off, Coach Brad!  Coach asked me to sub for him this Thursday, as he will be out of town.  While we are certainly going to be working on fundamental baseball skills, the theme for practice will be Respect.  Showing respect for self by not hanging your head if you make a mistake, respect for coaches (and officials) by obeying and following instructions, respect for teammates by giving your best every play, encouraging them, and being “heads up” between plays, and respect for opposing players by being encouraging rather than ugly.

Play Ball!

- Coach Roger

Picking right up where we left off…

On Sunday morning Chemaine wasn’t feeling well, so Shep and I headed off to church in my truck.  Father-son time with our church family.  Worshiping God, studying His Word, building relationships, good coffee, fun play – should be great!  In the midst of singing and talking with Shep on the ride to church, he somewhat brazenly asserts that, “At least I get some screen time during children’s worship!”

Oh, CRAP!  Hadn’t thought of that!!!  Yes, indeed, Shep’s elementary group in the children’s ministry at church is just getting started good in a new string of lessons based on a video series.  Dad.  Gum.  It.  What to do about the Screen Time hiatus?!?

I dropped the lad off in his Sunday school class (the video time comes next hour), went to my Sunday school class (Sorry, Dr. Steve – “Adult Bible Fellowship”) led by my Eminem-lovin, Facebook eschewing friend, Hans Googer, and then checked with one the children’s worship leaders to ask which part of their service would include the video.  After discussing the situation with Lisa for a couple of minutes, she told me she totally understood and supported our being serious about impressing important character lessons on Shep, and that pretty much their whole class would center around the video (I was considering either bringing him up late, or getting him out early).  Basically, it was going to be all or nothing.

When I got my son from Sunday school and brought him into “big church” with me, as we do every week before the youngins are dismissed to go upstairs for their special worship and lesson time, I honestly had not made up my mind what I was going to do.  In hindsight, I should have called Chemaine and prayed about it, but at the time neither occurred to me.  Shep saw his buddies line up on the front row to watch the youth choir perform a special mini-concert during worship time (GREAT job, guys!), and he wanted to go sit with them.  That’s cool.  Sit on the end, and I’ll sit next to you.  Still positioning, waiting, and considering.  Finally, Shep made my mind up for me with a very smug, “At least I get some screen time during children’s worship!”  Okay, Mr. Big Shot Screen Addict, that’s it!

“No,” I say very quietly and firmly to him.  “You aren’t going upstairs this morning.  You are staying here with me.”  And then I saw Shep set his jaw and speak with more resolute defiance than I knew he had in him.  “Yes, I am.  I AM GOING UPSTAIRS WITH MY FRIENDS!”  And when they announced the dismissal of the kids, and his friends got up, he stood up and looked at me.  “Sit down.”  A glare.  A huff.  Then submission.  Now tears.

He crumpled his body over me, buried his face in my lap, and began softly sobbing.  Cut off from his friends.  Cut off from his precious big screen.  Ouch.  I gently rubbed his back and let him cry it out for several minutes.  When he finally came up for air, I offered to go get his Garfield book out of the truck for him to read during church (It’s a really progressive congregation!), but he very respectfully declined.  Then he grabbed my arm and wrapped it tightly around him self.  A few times during the service, he pulled back to glare at me with a crushed, yet defiant gaze.  But then he would nuzzle in close again, and I would rub his back or shoulder or hair, affirming that I love him, and that my love is motivating my actions even in my “hurtful” decision.  Somehow in the midst of this, I realized I had been moved by The Spirit to teach Shep a powerful lesson about The Father’s love for us.

He cares far more about our character and obedience than he does about the little things that capture the temporary attention of our hearts.  Yes, He delights in giving us good gifts and saying “Yes” to our deepest longings.  But sometimes he withholds these things for a season to free our hearts from our sinful ways or attachments to the things of this world.  And He keeps His loving arm around us, gently speaking love to us through His abiding presence and voice of truth.

And for those of you who think I’m over the top with this screen time punishment…he came home from church and rode his bike without any assistance whatsoever for the very first time!  Coincidence?

I hope you had the pleasure of sharing Christmas with your family this year.  Sharing gifts with our children – watching their joy erupt as they rip open presents and try out new toys and games – is a rich gift from God.  I am thankful He blessed me with another such year with my family.

Now that the house is filled with new goodies and the recycling bin looks like an overflowing landfill, what’s next?  Well, we have done our best to give good presents – now it’s time to give our presence to our families.  This is one of the richest blessings we can offer our spouse and children.  It costs us nothing, and everything, and is SO worth it!

Our presence blesses our children by:

1. Helping them develop a secure identity.
2. Engaging them in meaningful conversation.
3. Preparing them for life’s challenges.

Being present with our children requires us to:

1. Show up.  You can’t be present if you aren’t around.
2. Open our minds to the realities of their perspectives.
3. Show our child their worth to us by showing interest and value in what matters to them.
4. Let go of what might happen, and focus on what is happening.
5. Listen fully before we speak.
6. Consider before we guide.
7. Connect before we correct.

So, what does this look like in real life in a real relationship in a real family?

Well, this morning it means I will do my best to encourage my son as he conquers the world of Wii Pokemon.  And I need to be present enough to learn where the Drifblim is carrying Pikachu next, what may happen there, and why it matters to him.  And if his attitude gets off-track during his gaming journey this holiday season, I need to love him enough to gently and firmly correct him and guide him back to the right mindset and behaviors.  Alright, Son, game on!…

(Thanks to WAFB Channel 9 for inviting me to share this message with their viewers!)

Click here to watch WAFB bullying interview with Dr. Butner

Q. Is bullying becoming a worse problem in our society today?  If so, why?

A. YES!  It is clearly becoming a growing epidemic among us.  I believe the most significant contributing factor is the growing number of communication channels available that allow us to send powerful messages immediately, without taking time to think through our emotion or impulse.  There are two reasons this has given rise to more bullying behavior.  First, such digital communication is viral.  One message sent can quickly be spread to mass numbers of people in ways that were unimaginable to us back when I was a teen in the 80s and early 90s.  Second, such communication channels give an illusion of safe distance where it becomes easy to think of the message simply as fun comments, and not as a direct assault on a real live person.  As we become increasing consumers of digital communication, we will continue to see a rise in bullying, particularly cyber-bullying.

Q. What can we do about this?

A. Parents, teachers, coaches, school administrators, pastors, scout leaders, and the like must commit to a no-tolerance stand against any type of bullying behavior.  In addition to physically aggressive behavior and threatening messages, this includes hurtful name-calling, manipulative pressure tactics, deliberate exclusion and ridicule, etc.  Children and youth need to learn from an early age that the adult leaders of their community are standing together against such foolishness, thoughtlessness, and cruelty.

A. Parents can contact your school administration to find out what is in place to monitor and respond to bullying.  Challenge your school to be proactive and effective in their approach.

A. Parents need to take time to clearly teach and coach our kids in respectful behavior toward others, including face to face, phone conversation, texting, and online formats.  Don’t assume your kids will do the right thing.  Train them to do the right thing!

A. We must watch our own words and actions carefully.  For example, what message are you sending your kids when you scream and cuss at players, coaches, and officials during a football game that isn’t playing out to your liking?  How do you treat other drivers during traffic?  What kind of snarky comments and “likes” are you posting on your own Facebook page?  Any time we use our words and actions to tear down others, we are essentially giving our kids permission to be bullies.

A. Teach victims to respond calmly, rather than reacting emotionally.  Emotional reactions typically “fuel the fire” of bullies, bringing on more of the unwanted behavior.

A. Help victims find genuine strength and self-worth in their abilities and your love.

Q. What are some signs that your child might be the victim of bullying?

A. Sudden lack of interest in social activities.

A. Sudden change in Facebook/MySpace activity (You ARE keeping an eye on your teen’s Facebook/MySpace activity, AREN’T YOU?!!)

A. Lashing out toward siblings, pets, property, etc.

For much more guidance, information, resources, etc, check out Bullying.org

Book Recommendation: “The Wounded Spirit” by Frank Peretti

Hoping you can somehow forever avoid talking to your kids about sex?  You aren’t alone.  But you also need to face your fears, say a prayer, dig deep, and dive in with your kids.  You may want to start with this post about having the Tough Talks with kids.

As promised in my Parenting 101 interview, below is a big list of varioius resources to parents to help you in talking with your kids about sex as you lead them toward healthy sexuality and making wise choices for themselves.  I would encourage you to take some time browsing through these various resources, and see what is most helpful for you and your family.  First, here are a couple of simple tips to keep in mind:

Having the Tough Talks: SEX

Q.  Why is it so important for parents to talk to our kids about sex?  Can’t kids figure it out on their own?

A.  As long as you don’t mind your kids learning about sex via porn, other kids who think they are experts, experimentation, or entertainment choices that offer no moral guidance, then you really don’t need to concern your self with having this Tough Talk.  Sure, they can figure it out on their own.  Let me know how that works out for them!

Q.  What can parents do about their fears or awkwardness regarding having this Tough Talk?

A.  Before you let your fears and awkwardness stop you from talking with your kids about sex, consider how much trouble they can find sexually if you don’t talk with them.  Maybe your fear for what your kids could experience without your guidance will help motivate you to plunge in and get the talk going.  Also, don’t expect that you have to talk it all out in one big conversation.  Start with some basic information and guidelines before moving into all the nitty-gritty details.  And be sure to offer basic moral guidelines throughout the process.  You will offer the best guidance for your kids with the least stress for both of you if you will work toward making sexuality a part of an ongoing conversation between you where questions and comments can be offered without shame or reactivity.

Living in a “Porn is the Norm” Culture (article from CPYU)

Love’s Got Everything To Do With It! (article from CPYU)

Guess Who’s coming to Breakfast (article from CPYU)

Questions Kids Ask About Sex: Honest Answers For Every Age (paperback)

God’s Design for Sex Series (4 books at 4 developmental levels)

Learning About Sex For Boys (5 books at 5 developmental levels)

Learning About Sex For Girls (5 books at 5 developmental levels)

Teens And Sex (booklet from CPYU)

Pornography (booklet from CPYU)

Next Time I Fall In Love (book)

Sex Q & A (booklet)

Talking About Sex (article from Focus on the Family)

Talking to Tweens About Love, Sex, and Relationships (article from Focus on the Family)

Healthy Childhood Sexual Development (article from Focus on the Family)

How to Start Early (article from Focus on the Family)

Sex Education (articles, etc from Family Life)

I just found out about this book and author yesterday, so I have not yet read it.  However, she has my attention, and I want to bring her to yours.  Here is her website. I will keep you posted on what I discover.  For now, here is the book summary:

“Based on the National Study of Youth and Religion—the same invaluable data as its predecessor, Soul Searching: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers — Kenda Creasy Dean’s compelling new book, Almost Christian, investigates why American teenagers are at once so positive about Christianity and at the same time so apathetic about genuine religious practice.

In Soul Searching, Christian Smith and Melinda Lundquist Denton found that American teenagers have embraced a “Moralistic Therapeutic Deism”–a hodgepodge of banal, self-serving, feel-good beliefs that bears little resemblance to traditional Christianity. But far from faulting teens, Dean places the blame for this theological watering down squarely on the churches themselves. Instead of proclaiming a God who calls believers to lives of love, service and sacrifice, churches offer instead a bargain religion, easy to use, easy to forget, offering little and demanding less. But what is to be done? In order to produce ardent young Christians, Dean argues, churches must rediscover their sense of mission and model an understanding of being Christian as not something you do for yourself, but something that calls you to share God’s love, in word and deed, with others. Dean found that the most committed young Christians shared four important traits: they could tell a personal and powerful story about God; they belonged to a significant faith community; they exhibited a sense of vocation; and they possessed a profound sense of hope. Based on these findings, Dean proposes an approach to Christian education that places the idea of mission at its core and offers a wealth of concrete suggestions for inspiring teens to live more authentically engaged Christian lives.

Persuasively and accessibly written, Almost Christian is a wake up call no one concerned about the future of Christianity in America can afford to ignore.”