ScreamFree Marriage

Calming Down, Growing Up
and Getting Closer

By Hal Edward Runkel
with Jenny Runkel

Now Available Nationwide!

Order An Autographed Copy Now - Help Your Marriage and Help Us Reach Others!

Picking right up where we left off…

On Sunday morning Chemaine wasn’t feeling well, so Shep and I headed off to church in my truck.  Father-son time with our church family.  Worshiping God, studying His Word, building relationships, good coffee, fun play – should be great!  In the midst of singing and talking with Shep on the ride to church, he somewhat brazenly asserts that, “At least I get some screen time during children’s worship!”

Oh, CRAP!  Hadn’t thought of that!!!  Yes, indeed, Shep’s elementary group in the children’s ministry at church is just getting started good in a new string of lessons based on a video series.  Dad.  Gum.  It.  What to do about the Screen Time hiatus?!?

I dropped the lad off in his Sunday school class (the video time comes next hour), went to my Sunday school class (Sorry, Dr. Steve – “Adult Bible Fellowship”) led by my Eminem-lovin, Facebook eschewing friend, Hans Googer, and then checked with one the children’s worship leaders to ask which part of their service would include the video.  After discussing the situation with Lisa for a couple of minutes, she told me she totally understood and supported our being serious about impressing important character lessons on Shep, and that pretty much their whole class would center around the video (I was considering either bringing him up late, or getting him out early).  Basically, it was going to be all or nothing.

When I got my son from Sunday school and brought him into “big church” with me, as we do every week before the youngins are dismissed to go upstairs for their special worship and lesson time, I honestly had not made up my mind what I was going to do.  In hindsight, I should have called Chemaine and prayed about it, but at the time neither occurred to me.  Shep saw his buddies line up on the front row to watch the youth choir perform a special mini-concert during worship time (GREAT job, guys!), and he wanted to go sit with them.  That’s cool.  Sit on the end, and I’ll sit next to you.  Still positioning, waiting, and considering.  Finally, Shep made my mind up for me with a very smug, “At least I get some screen time during children’s worship!”  Okay, Mr. Big Shot Screen Addict, that’s it!

“No,” I say very quietly and firmly to him.  “You aren’t going upstairs this morning.  You are staying here with me.”  And then I saw Shep set his jaw and speak with more resolute defiance than I knew he had in him.  “Yes, I am.  I AM GOING UPSTAIRS WITH MY FRIENDS!”  And when they announced the dismissal of the kids, and his friends got up, he stood up and looked at me.  “Sit down.”  A glare.  A huff.  Then submission.  Now tears.

He crumpled his body over me, buried his face in my lap, and began softly sobbing.  Cut off from his friends.  Cut off from his precious big screen.  Ouch.  I gently rubbed his back and let him cry it out for several minutes.  When he finally came up for air, I offered to go get his Garfield book out of the truck for him to read during church (It’s a really progressive congregation!), but he very respectfully declined.  Then he grabbed my arm and wrapped it tightly around him self.  A few times during the service, he pulled back to glare at me with a crushed, yet defiant gaze.  But then he would nuzzle in close again, and I would rub his back or shoulder or hair, affirming that I love him, and that my love is motivating my actions even in my “hurtful” decision.  Somehow in the midst of this, I realized I had been moved by The Spirit to teach Shep a powerful lesson about The Father’s love for us.

He cares far more about our character and obedience than he does about the little things that capture the temporary attention of our hearts.  Yes, He delights in giving us good gifts and saying “Yes” to our deepest longings.  But sometimes he withholds these things for a season to free our hearts from our sinful ways or attachments to the things of this world.  And He keeps His loving arm around us, gently speaking love to us through His abiding presence and voice of truth.

And for those of you who think I’m over the top with this screen time punishment…he came home from church and rode his bike without any assistance whatsoever for the very first time!  Coincidence?

(Thanks to my good friend and pastor, Hans Googer, for inspiring me to get back on my blogging horse and ride!)

So, basically I have decided I will just hope someday Shep will either understand the value of me using stories about his life on my blog or find it in his heart to forgive me.  I really do mean it when I say this, as I want him to know someday that I (will) respect him as a man, and I want to share stories such as the following in light of that commitment.  Anyway, without further ado…

So, my son seems to have inherited his Dad’s tendency to place socializing and merriment before work.  I won’t go into my regrets and what a lifetime of struggle this has been for me, but let’s just say I am committed to working with Chemaine and with Shep’s teachers to do all we can to help him turn this ship around sooner, rather than later.  After a few reports from his Montessori school teacher that he was excelling in social connection, while slacking in work product (his work has been excellent – he just hasn’t done much of it), I suggested a plan of motivational support on our part, which my wife and my son’s teacher both supported enthusiastically.  In order to fully appreciate the plan, let’s take a quick side trip.

My son LOVES his screen time!  (I will soon do a post entirely devoted to the subject of screen time.)  Sometimes, I think his priorities are: air, water, food, Wii, other screen time, and then whatever else he can fit in his busy schedule.  You getting what I’m saying here?  THIS BOY LOVES HIS SCREEN TIME!!!  Okay, back to our story…

We decided to put in place a new “deal” wherein Shep must meet a minimum standard of pieces of classwork (it’s a Montessori thing) finished each day at school, if he is to get his standard allotment of one hour of screen time that afternoon/evening.  Upon consultation with his wonderful teacher, we agreed that four pieces of work is a very reasonable standard to expect of him, given his abilities.  After implementing the new plan, we decided three pieces of work would allow him half an hour of screen time.  Anything less than three – no dice, Jack!  He proudly came home the first day and told us about doing SIX pieces of work that day.  “Way to go, dude!  I knew you could do it!  I hope you’re proud of what you did today!”  Over the next few days, the numbers he reported to us ranged from five to three, as I recall.  Then, my wife, who volunteers at our son’s school, decided to take a look at his work report sheet and talk with his teacher about how he was doing, and if the new system seemed to be working.

Turns out the little rascal had lied to us for two days straight, boldly deceiving us by telling us he had done more work than he had truly done.  While I am sad to admit that he also inherited this sinful trait directly from me, God has done much work on me in this department, and I determined not to let shame of my own moral failings keep me from holding my son to God’s standard of honesty and integrity.  Chemaine and I rather calmly (thanks, Hal!) explained from each of our perspectives how and why we were disappointed in his actions, and that we were going to help him learn to live to God’s higher standard.  We also made clear that we love him very much and believe he can do better, so we are going to do our best to help him get there.  And then, we dropped THE BOMB…

NO SCREEN TIME FOR A WEEK!

We have never lowered the boom on him this hard, but we agreed that this time he needed a severe consequence (for a seven year old) to impress upon him how serious we are about him living with integrity in his character, both in his work ethic and in his honest speech.  Slack off and pay.  Tell a lie and pay more.  Slack off and willfully begin a pattern of lies, and pay big time!  This was a painful decision, but Chemaine and I agreed it was the right one to help our lad find the necessary motivation to turn this ship around.  I just thought this was the painful part.  No, indeed!

But it seems I’ve gone on long enough for one post.  I’ll be back tomorrow to tell you what happened on Sunday of No-Screen Week that broke my heart, crushed Shep, and left him crying in my lap during church.

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Tug-of-war can be a really fun way to get exercise, build teamwork, and enjoy a spirited competition.  Then again, it can also be a great way to get pulled into a big mud puddle!

Emotional tug-of-war can be a frustrating, draining exercise that diverts our energy from positive pursuits and relationship-building activity into a muddy pit of wasted life.  Does this sound familiar?  Have you experienced the discouragement of pouring seemingly endless energy into a relationship, with the underlying goal of “having it your way,” only to feel the ongoing pull on the emotional rope of the other person who is equally invested in “having it his/her way?”  There are definitely better ways to get a strenuous workout!

Folks, as I always strive to do in my sharing with you, I’m going to level with you about my own struggles in this fruitless playing of emotional tug-of-war.  Despite my sincere desire and efforts to grow spiritually, emotionally, relationally (they are really simply different strands of the same rope, by the way), I still slip back into playing this game.  It is exhausting and a ridiculous waste of my time, focus, and energy.  And yet, there I go – picking up the rope and straining and pulling and sweating and cursing for all I’m worth!  YUCK!

The weariness and emotional drain isn’t even the most painful part of the process.  The real pain comes in realizing that however justified and “Right” I may feel in my position in this particular round of emotional tug-of-war, what is actually driving me to hold that rope and pull with all my might is PRIDE.  Plain old sinful egotistical pride!  I think my way is right, and I won’t let go until you agree.  Take that!  And so I voluntarily tie my self to an individual (or organization or entity) that I believe, at least at the present moment, to be misguided and wrong.  And then I wonder why my blood pressure goes up and I feel agitated and tired.  Wait a minute – haven’t I been pursuing FREEDOM in my life?!!  Don’t I still want to live in freedom as I journey along the road of life?  Don’t I still believe I cannot truly offer gifts of freedom to others if I do not live in freedom in my own life?  What to do?…

DROP THE ROPE!!!

(Next post – Dropping the Rope)

(Re-posted from 2006)

Well, the Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday season is upon us.  You know what that means? – Dealing with knotheads!  Whether it’s your ex-spouse, your alcoholic mother, your abusive father, your in-laws with no sense of personal boundaries, the guy in front of you on the road driving 10 mph under the speed limit, or the woman in the department store who clearly doesn’t know the answer to your question but is trying to sound convincing anyway…knotheads are in abundance.  We deal with them throughout the year, but they seem to come out of the woodwork this time of year.  This being the case, it seemed appropriate to offer you some practical guidance on successfully dealing with the knotheads in your life.

Let’s begin with a simple definition.  A knothead is anyone who seems determined to frustrate you.  I like to use the word “knothead,” because it has such a nice, descriptive ring to it, without crossing the line into…well, you know the more colorful terms you use for these folks – under your breath or behind their back or when the kids aren’t listening.  Anyway, knotheads appear to have the secret code to get to our buttons and push them to maximum aggravation level.  It is at this point that we begin to see the solution to dealing with the knothead dilemma.

Question: What is the difference between a knothead and a common bonehead?  Your common bonehead does goofy things, but doesn’t get you riled up.  No access to your buttons, you see.  The knothead, on the other hand, has found a way to get you to react with frustration, aggravation, or even outright fury when they pull out the goofy behavior card.  So, again, what is the difference between these two?  The degree to which you give them access to your emotional buttons!  This is great news!  It means you have a great deal of power in this equation.  You have the power to reduce any knothead in rank to a common bonehead, therefore rendering them totally endurable (even for a four hour Thanksgiving feast!).

The power to neutralize even the most raging knothead is within your grasp.  It basically comes down to three simple (if challenging) mental tasks:

1. Staying calm. As the old saying goes, there is great power in keeping your head when all those around you are losing theirs.  When you allow your emotional reactions to spill out in response to others’ goofy behavior, you are giving them greater access to your emotional buttons, and fueling their knotheadism to higher levels.  It may not be easy to stay calm in the face of certain individuals, but I didn’t tell you this would be easy – just that it is do-able.  When you stay calm, you stay in control.  Maybe this will help.  Remind yourself that if you get emotionally reactive because of something your least favorite knothead did or said, it means you have given a KNOTHEAD control of your emotions!  Is that what you really want?!!  Staying calm means keeping YOURSELF in control of your emotions and choices.  (For more insights into the power of calm and the destructive power of emotional reactivity, I highly recommend www.screamfree.com.)
2. Reminding yourself that the knothead/bonehead’s goofy behavior is primarily intended to get something for themself, not wreck your life. I know, there truly are exceptions to this – knotheads who legitimately want to inflict damage upon you.  However, this really is not the case in most situations.  In fact, many times the goofy behavior in question is so irksome to you, not because it was designed to cause you maximum frustration, but because you weren’t even considered.  The vast majority of goofy behavior is the result of selfishness, frustration, lack of vision, and/or lack of maturity.  If you can find a way to help the bonehead in question achieve whatever goals they are truly after, you are likely to help curb their goofy behavior that would otherwise intensify in an ongoing effort to reach their goals.  Remember that their true goal may not be their expressed goal.  You may have to listen and look carefully to understand what it is they are really desiring.  If you are willing to make this effort, you may find that that what they are after is not so different from something you may desire, as well.  If the idea of helping boneheads/knotheads achieve their goals is a really tough pill for you to swallow, consider the words of Jesus, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.  If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.  If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.  Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.  Do to others as you would have them do to you.”
3. Keeping it in perspective. Remember that you really only have to endure this goofiness for X length of time.  If you are frustrated with that knothead in traffic, get some perspective already!  We’re talking moments here – minutes at most.  (Ouch!!!  I’m really nailing myself on this one.)  Giving fifteen extra minutes of your day to that person at church who doesn’t understand personal boundaries isn’t going to kill you.  Even if the knothead you’ve been envisioning throughout this article is the one you will be sharing a living room with for three days over the Christmas holiday – it’s still only three days of your life.  Stay calm.  Try to help them get at least some of what they really want.  And remember that you are leaving in just a few short hours.  Why be miserable, just because there happen to be boneheads in the room?  Keep in mind what a relatively small sacrifice it is to spend this short amount of time with Bonehead, and make the choice to enjoy yourself and your time.  Especially during the holiday season!

I hope this has been a helpful course in Knotheadology 101.  I’ll be working on a 200 level course in the future.  In the meantime, if you would like some guided independent study with me, feel free to email me at Roger@hopeforyourfamily.com or call me at 225-333-1582.  I sincerely hope you will have a knothead-free holiday season and beyond, although many of us simply can’t escape a few boneheads along the way to help us grow and mature.  For more specific tips on how to deal with the ex-spouse variety of knothead, click on the following link to a handout I offered recently at a divorce support group: Healthy Relationship with Ex

Well, for many folks, this is the season of FEAR.  Yes, it’s time to don the hockey masks, vampire capes, fake blood, and gruesome prosthetics and go scare up some candy.  Or, for the real daredevil – go out and bob for apples in a vat of Swine Flu slobbered water.  Mmm, mmm, good!

Fear may be good for those in the Halloween business, but it isn’t good for parenting.

So this year, as your kids head out for their fright night festivities, see if you can muster up the nerve to parent them out of faith, rather than fear.  Sure, you need to prepare kids young and old for the important decision points that could likely arise and pose danger or trouble of various kinds.  And if your kids have recently broken the rules, made foolish choices, or in other ways broken your trust and shown themselves to be irresponsible, the right thing for you to do may be to “ground them” from Halloween activities this weekend.  But holding them back in fearful parenting will not serve them well.  Instead, lead with the kind of faith that shows a confidence in your authority as well as in their ability to do the right thing.  So, whether you will be sending out your 16 year old for the evening with a prayer for her/his safety and wisdom or sending your 6 year old around the block or church parking lot right in front of you, send them out with the confident expectation and preparation do the right thing, use good judgment, and have a blast.

And save some Reese’s cups for my son.  His Dad He really loves those things!

Parenting by Faith,

Dr Butner

- Homework is the student’s responsibility, NOT the parent’s!

- Parents CANNOT control kids’ choices (about homework or anything else).

- Parents CAN control consequences.

- Keep school performance expectations reasonable.

- Provide reasonable suffering to induce motivation.

- Canceling text messaging is a great motivator for teens!

Enjoy, be at peace, and be blessed.

Here are the key points from my presentation today:

1. YOUR TEEN REALLY DOES WANT TO LIVE WELL. (Despite whatever evidence you have seen that seems to indicate otherwise.)

2. God chose YOU to be the parent of this teen.  This means YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO LEAD YOUR TEEN WELL.

Five Key Parenting Lessons from the Father of the Prodigal:

1. He modeled healthy living to his son over the years.

2. He respected his son’s need to make his own choices.

3. He never gave up hope, even when his son willfully set off down the wrong path.

4. He did not run after his son.  He ran to meet him.

5. He didn’t beat up his son for being foolish.  He allowed him to pay the price for his foolishness, and eagerly showed him how to recover his life once he was broken and humbled by his consequences.

Are you parenting by faith? Or by fear?

Are you a proactive parent? Or a reactive parent?

As a parent, are you timid? Overbearing? Confident?

Tune In Before You Turn It Off:

- Practice “Judo Parenting” (Thanks to ScreamFree’s Hal Runkel for this concept.)  Don’t fight against your kids, risking alienation and damaged relationship.  Instead, connect with them where they are, applying guidance through that connection to lead them to the healthiest place you can.

- That Loud Noise Coming from the IPod May Be a Cry for Help!  Be very careful about simply dismissing vile movies, music, etc.  If they really relate to it, you are essentially dismissing them in the process.  Instead, find out how they connect with it, and how it touches them.  If you can display calm and loving acceptance of them and their interests in the midst of unpleasant music, obnoxious games, weird YouTube videos, or disturbing movies, you’ll be amazed how much your kids will tell you.

- Don’t Expect Them to Turn It Off Until They Understand Why.  Your job is not to protect them from the evils of worldly media (which are legion).  Sure, you can make them turn it off while you are around, but they will just turn it back on and get better at keeping it from you.  Your job is to empower them with the right tools of insight and spiritual health so they can make wise, tough choices without your direct protection.  Equip them through sharing your source of spiritual strength – God’s Word, living it as a model for them to see, and nurturing their engagement in regular spiritual disciplines.

- Regularly Invite Your Teens to Share Their Favorite Media with You.  Offer times with your kids where they select the music, movies, games, etc, with a promise from you that they won’t be criticized or punished for their choices (although you should reserve the right to set some standards as to what is off-limits for them).  The only requirement is they must tell you: 1. why they like it, 2. what it means to them, and 3. what they believe are the moral or life implications.  After they have shared with you, engage them in their thoughts, particularly regarding number 3, offering your own perspectives and direct Biblical guidance.  Work together to find a passage or two of Scripture that relates to their media choice.

I often refer to myself as a “resource broker.”  I am passionate about helping people connect with the best resources to improve their lives and experience transforming peace, purpose, and passion.  Whether it is a movie, a website, a local resource, a book, or who-knows-what-else, you are very likely to get a resource recommendation from me if you ask me for guidance with some life issue.  I believe in solving problems from multiple angles.  This approach seems to bring deeper, more lasting results.

Here is a list of some of the books that have made the greatest impact in my life.  They have challenged, encouraged, and enlightened me in my perspectives, actions, and emotional/relational/spiritual growth.  And I am delighted to share them with you.  They are listed in the order in which they came to mind, which does not represent any particular ranking of value.  I have linked each of them to addall.com, because I have found it to be the best source for getting the best price on books.  Trust me, just check it out.  However, for reviews on the books, you may want to check out amazon or Christianbook.

1.  “The Shack” by William P. Young - I know, I know.  This one was all the buzz in 2008.  You have likely heard both strong endorsements and strong warnings regarding this book.  I recommend the same for this one as I did for “The DaVinci Code” back when it was shaking up the world – read it for yourself.  The Shack is certainly not a sound theological treatise.  And I could find no evidence that it was intended to be interpreted as such.  What it did for me was remind me with a refreshing new illustration of the relational nature of God and the depth of his love and grace for each one of us.

2.  “A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix” by Edwin R. Friedman - If you have been following my blog for a while, you have heard about this one before.  Incredible book!  This one shook up and reshaped my paradigm about people like nothing I have ever read.  It is written on a rather intellectual level, and is certainly not a light read.  I genuinely believe Friedman understood the dynamics of people and relationships better than anyone since Jesus walked the planet (not that his insight rivaled that of Jesus – just better than anyone else’s).  Okay, that’s a seriously bold claim.  Feel free to challenge it.  Who do you think deserves that title?

3.  “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: Unleash a Revolution in Your Life in Christ” by Peter Scazzero - I urge you to read this book and to share it with your church leaders.  Then urge them to attend one of Scazzero’s church leaders’ workshops.

4.  “The Dip: A Little Book that Teaches You When to Quit (and When to Stick)” by Seth Godin- A very short, easy read that packs a whallop by one of today’s premier business coaches.

5.  “The Ragamuffin Gospel” by Brennan Manning - This one probably helped me get a healthy perspective of my relationship with God better than anything else I have ever read.  I find Manning’s writing very readable and refreshing.

6.  “Hurt: Inside the World of Today’s Teenagers” by Chap Clark - You will NOT enjoy reading this book!  It paints a very dark and ugly picture of the world in which teenagers find themselves today.  However, if you have teenagers or have a passion for teenagers, you really should read it.  Follow it up with “Disconnected: Parenting Teens in a MySpace World” by Chap and Dee Clark for a practical, encouraging guide on how to be part of the solution.

7.  “ScreamFree Parenting: Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool” by Hal Edward Runkel - If you have had a conversation with me about parenting, or read my blog for any length of time, you know how highly I regard this one.  Best book on parenting ever written (until mine hits the shelves, of course)!  Just do a search on my website with the term “ScreamFree” to see what I think.  You can also click on the link at the top right of my site to access the “Complete Parenting Revolution” (CPR) kit from ScreamFree – a great comprehensive resource.
8.  “Parenting by the Book: Biblical Wisdom for Raising Your Child” by John Rosemond - I have been a Rosemond fan for years.  His well-grounded, no-nonsense, authoritative advice on raising children is first rate.  While I recommend all of his books, I would place this one at the top of the list.

9.  “Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth” by Richard J. Foster - Read Richard Foster’s work, and prepare to grow.  Read it all.  Read it slowly.  Practice it in your life.  Share it with others.  Repeat process.

10.  “Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home” by Richard J. Foster - see above comment

11.  “The Jesus I Never Knew” by Philip Yancey - If you are looking for something written with more obvious theological foundation than The Shack, but just as enlightening, this is your book.  Yancey is a strong scholar, an exceptional thinker, and a gifted writer.  Great combination!  All his books are terrific, and they have an interesting range of subject matter.

12.  “Walking with God: Talk to Him.  Hear from Him.  Really.” by John Eldredge - Basically written as expanded journal entries regarding Eldredge’s deepening intimacy with God over the span of a year.  I am particularly grateful for the perspective I learned from him about the dangerous power of making agreements.

13.  “Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul” by John Eldredge - If you are a man, you really need to read this book.  Seriously.  Read it.  If you are a woman who has any interest in a man, you really need to read this book, as well.  For several years, I emphatically told everyone this was the best book ever written on the heart of masculinity, until…

14.  “The Way of the Wild Heart: A Map for the Masculine Journey” by John Eldredge - Ladies and gentlemen, read this book.  Especially if you have sons.  Learn about the stages of masculinity (Beloved Son, Cowboy, Warrior, Lover, King, Sage), how to successfully grow through each stage, how to lead your son through the early stages, and how to revisit and redeem any stages that did not go so well for you.  Read it.

15.  “The Screwtape Letters” by C. S. Lewis - One of the most unique, fascinating, and challenging books I have ever read on the spiritual process of the Christian life.  Written from a demonic perspective on how to destroy the work of the “Enemy” (God), this one is a great one to revisit now and then.  By the way, given the extremely short length of each chapter, I recommend this one as premium bathroom reading.  Seriously.  Enough said.  (Oh, by the way, this may shock and disappoint you: “Mere Christianity” remains on my to-read list, which explains in absence on the present list.)

16.  “Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Emotionally Committed Relationships” by David Schnarch - Written by the foremost authority on human sexuality, this one will seriously blow your hair back!  Oh, and it may just revolutionize your marriage in the process.

17.  “Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation” by Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker - Should be required reading for every male in Western culture.  Or certainly for every guy who genuinely seeks to follow God’s plan for purity.  The authors keep it real with their own stories of struggle, and keep it Biblical with continual references to Scripture as their foundation.

Undoubtedly, I have left off some great books I have read.  But this list of 17 should be enough to keep you reading for a while.  What books would you put on your list of must-reads or life-transformers?