HopeForYourFamily

I will be posting more in the next few days, but for now, here is a “Valentine’s Day” resource I can share with strong personal and professional recommendation:

Forget candy hearts and sappy cards this Valentine’s Day. Your marriage deserves more than that. Instead, give your relationship a real boost with the gift of:

Sizzle: The ScreamFree Guide to Turning Up the Heat in Your Marriage

You want a vibrant, exciting, and fun-filled relationship with your spouse. But too often, what you end up with is a conflict-ridden grudge match with the one person who is supposed to love you the most. You are not alone.

In this audio download, you’ll laugh out loud right alongside the audience as Hal challenges many of the notions you’ve held about marital advice. You’ll have a blast and learn some simple truths that you can put into practice right away in order to see your spouse and yourself in a whole new light.

Your marriage is worth it. Learn how to make it sizzle.
This hour long recorded seminar will teach you:

• Why every great marriage is a self-centered marriage
• The secrets to turning common conflict into crazy connection
• How to get beyond the most common marital myths that are keeping you stuck

Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to reconnect and recommit to your marriage. Make this year better than ever.

Offer good until February 14th

* This offer is only available online
* No coupon code required

Click here to buy this great marriage resource!

Tags: marriage / relationships, screamfree

Tug-of-war can be a really fun way to get exercise, build teamwork, and enjoy a spirited competition.  Then again, it can also be a great way to get pulled into a big mud puddle!

Emotional tug-of-war can be a frustrating, draining exercise that diverts our energy from positive pursuits and relationship-building activity into a muddy pit of wasted life.  Does this sound familiar?  Have you experienced the discouragement of pouring seemingly endless energy into a relationship, with the underlying goal of “having it your way,” only to feel the ongoing pull on the emotional rope of the other person who is equally invested in “having it his/her way?”  There are definitely better ways to get a strenuous workout!

Folks, as I always strive to do in my sharing with you, I’m going to level with you about my own struggles in this fruitless playing of emotional tug-of-war.  Despite my sincere desire and efforts to grow spiritually, emotionally, relationally (they are really simply different strands of the same rope, by the way), I still slip back into playing this game.  It is exhausting and a ridiculous waste of my time, focus, and energy.  And yet, there I go – picking up the rope and straining and pulling and sweating and cursing for all I’m worth!  YUCK!

The weariness and emotional drain isn’t even the most painful part of the process.  The real pain comes in realizing that however justified and “Right” I may feel in my position in this particular round of emotional tug-of-war, what is actually driving me to hold that rope and pull with all my might is PRIDE.  Plain old sinful egotistical pride!  I think my way is right, and I won’t let go until you agree.  Take that!  And so I voluntarily tie my self to an individual (or organization or entity) that I believe, at least at the present moment, to be misguided and wrong.  And then I wonder why my blood pressure goes up and I feel agitated and tired.  Wait a minute – haven’t I been pursuing FREEDOM in my life?!!  Don’t I still want to live in freedom as I journey along the road of life?  Don’t I still believe I cannot truly offer gifts of freedom to others if I do not live in freedom in my own life?  What to do?…

DROP THE ROPE!!!

(Next post – Dropping the Rope)

Tags: family, friends, hope, leadership, marriage / relationships, parenting, personal responsibility, screamfree, the journey

(Re-posted from 2006)

Well, the Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday season is upon us.  You know what that means? – Dealing with knotheads!  Whether it’s your ex-spouse, your alcoholic mother, your abusive father, your in-laws with no sense of personal boundaries, the guy in front of you on the road driving 10 mph under the speed limit, or the woman in the department store who clearly doesn’t know the answer to your question but is trying to sound convincing anyway…knotheads are in abundance.  We deal with them throughout the year, but they seem to come out of the woodwork this time of year.  This being the case, it seemed appropriate to offer you some practical guidance on successfully dealing with the knotheads in your life.

Let’s begin with a simple definition.  A knothead is anyone who seems determined to frustrate you.  I like to use the word “knothead,” because it has such a nice, descriptive ring to it, without crossing the line into…well, you know the more colorful terms you use for these folks – under your breath or behind their back or when the kids aren’t listening.  Anyway, knotheads appear to have the secret code to get to our buttons and push them to maximum aggravation level.  It is at this point that we begin to see the solution to dealing with the knothead dilemma.

Question: What is the difference between a knothead and a common bonehead?  Your common bonehead does goofy things, but doesn’t get you riled up.  No access to your buttons, you see.  The knothead, on the other hand, has found a way to get you to react with frustration, aggravation, or even outright fury when they pull out the goofy behavior card.  So, again, what is the difference between these two?  The degree to which you give them access to your emotional buttons!  This is great news!  It means you have a great deal of power in this equation.  You have the power to reduce any knothead in rank to a common bonehead, therefore rendering them totally endurable (even for a four hour Thanksgiving feast!).

The power to neutralize even the most raging knothead is within your grasp.  It basically comes down to three simple (if challenging) mental tasks:

1. Staying calm. As the old saying goes, there is great power in keeping your head when all those around you are losing theirs.  When you allow your emotional reactions to spill out in response to others’ goofy behavior, you are giving them greater access to your emotional buttons, and fueling their knotheadism to higher levels.  It may not be easy to stay calm in the face of certain individuals, but I didn’t tell you this would be easy – just that it is do-able.  When you stay calm, you stay in control.  Maybe this will help.  Remind yourself that if you get emotionally reactive because of something your least favorite knothead did or said, it means you have given a KNOTHEAD control of your emotions!  Is that what you really want?!!  Staying calm means keeping YOURSELF in control of your emotions and choices.  (For more insights into the power of calm and the destructive power of emotional reactivity, I highly recommend www.screamfree.com.)
2. Reminding yourself that the knothead/bonehead’s goofy behavior is primarily intended to get something for themself, not wreck your life. I know, there truly are exceptions to this – knotheads who legitimately want to inflict damage upon you.  However, this really is not the case in most situations.  In fact, many times the goofy behavior in question is so irksome to you, not because it was designed to cause you maximum frustration, but because you weren’t even considered.  The vast majority of goofy behavior is the result of selfishness, frustration, lack of vision, and/or lack of maturity.  If you can find a way to help the bonehead in question achieve whatever goals they are truly after, you are likely to help curb their goofy behavior that would otherwise intensify in an ongoing effort to reach their goals.  Remember that their true goal may not be their expressed goal.  You may have to listen and look carefully to understand what it is they are really desiring.  If you are willing to make this effort, you may find that that what they are after is not so different from something you may desire, as well.  If the idea of helping boneheads/knotheads achieve their goals is a really tough pill for you to swallow, consider the words of Jesus, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.  If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.  If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.  Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.  Do to others as you would have them do to you.”
3. Keeping it in perspective. Remember that you really only have to endure this goofiness for X length of time.  If you are frustrated with that knothead in traffic, get some perspective already!  We’re talking moments here – minutes at most.  (Ouch!!!  I’m really nailing myself on this one.)  Giving fifteen extra minutes of your day to that person at church who doesn’t understand personal boundaries isn’t going to kill you.  Even if the knothead you’ve been envisioning throughout this article is the one you will be sharing a living room with for three days over the Christmas holiday – it’s still only three days of your life.  Stay calm.  Try to help them get at least some of what they really want.  And remember that you are leaving in just a few short hours.  Why be miserable, just because there happen to be boneheads in the room?  Keep in mind what a relatively small sacrifice it is to spend this short amount of time with Bonehead, and make the choice to enjoy yourself and your time.  Especially during the holiday season!

I hope this has been a helpful course in Knotheadology 101.  I’ll be working on a 200 level course in the future.  In the meantime, if you would like some guided independent study with me, feel free to email me at Roger@hopeforyourfamily.com or call me at 225-333-1582.  I sincerely hope you will have a knothead-free holiday season and beyond, although many of us simply can’t escape a few boneheads along the way to help us grow and mature.  For more specific tips on how to deal with the ex-spouse variety of knothead, click on the following link to a handout I offered recently at a divorce support group: Healthy Relationship with Ex

Tags: community, family, marriage / relationships, screamfree

Well, for many folks, this is the season of FEAR.  Yes, it’s time to don the hockey masks, vampire capes, fake blood, and gruesome prosthetics and go scare up some candy.  Or, for the real daredevil – go out and bob for apples in a vat of Swine Flu slobbered water.  Mmm, mmm, good!

Fear may be good for those in the Halloween business, but it isn’t good for parenting.

So this year, as your kids head out for their fright night festivities, see if you can muster up the nerve to parent them out of faith, rather than fear.  Sure, you need to prepare kids young and old for the important decision points that could likely arise and pose danger or trouble of various kinds.  And if your kids have recently broken the rules, made foolish choices, or in other ways broken your trust and shown themselves to be irresponsible, the right thing for you to do may be to “ground them” from Halloween activities this weekend.  But holding them back in fearful parenting will not serve them well.  Instead, lead with the kind of faith that shows a confidence in your authority as well as in their ability to do the right thing.  So, whether you will be sending out your 16 year old for the evening with a prayer for her/his safety and wisdom or sending your 6 year old around the block or church parking lot right in front of you, send them out with the confident expectation and preparation do the right thing, use good judgment, and have a blast.

And save some Reese’s cups for my son.  His Dad He really loves those things!

Parenting by Faith,

Dr Butner

Tags: hope, leadership, parenting, personal responsibility, screamfree

Here is a link to WAFB’s video archive of my latest Parenting 101 interview, where I simultaneously share some practical wisdom about how to put the responsibility for homework back in your child’s court and drive the sound-guy crazy with my drumming on the table.  Ah, life is fun!  By the way, one of the graphics they showed on-screen had a significant typo.  Here are the key points I brought to the interview:

- Homework is the student’s responsibility, NOT the parent’s!

- Parents CANNOT control kids’ choices (about homework or anything else).

- Parents CAN control consequences.

- Keep school performance expectations reasonable.

- Provide reasonable suffering to induce motivation.

- Canceling text messaging is a great motivator for teens!

Enjoy, be at peace, and be blessed.

Tags: adolescence, freedom, parenting, personal responsibility, screamfree, teens, texting

Today I will be speaking to a gathering of parents at a youth rally in Livingston, LA.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to encourage, challenge, and equip these parents!  Working with teens and their parents has become one of my great passions in life, and every opportunity is a genuine blessing.  (Even when I am doing so with worsening bronchitis!)

Here are the key points from my presentation today:

1. YOUR TEEN REALLY DOES WANT TO LIVE WELL. (Despite whatever evidence you have seen that seems to indicate otherwise.)

2. God chose YOU to be the parent of this teen.  This means YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO LEAD YOUR TEEN WELL.

Five Key Parenting Lessons from the Father of the Prodigal:

1. He modeled healthy living to his son over the years.

2. He respected his son’s need to make his own choices.

3. He never gave up hope, even when his son willfully set off down the wrong path.

4. He did not run after his son.  He ran to meet him.

5. He didn’t beat up his son for being foolish.  He allowed him to pay the price for his foolishness, and eagerly showed him how to recover his life once he was broken and humbled by his consequences.

Are you parenting by faith? Or by fear?

Are you a proactive parent? Or a reactive parent?

As a parent, are you timid? Overbearing? Confident?

Tune In Before You Turn It Off:

- Practice “Judo Parenting” (Thanks to ScreamFree’s Hal Runkel for this concept.)  Don’t fight against your kids, risking alienation and damaged relationship.  Instead, connect with them where they are, applying guidance through that connection to lead them to the healthiest place you can.

- That Loud Noise Coming from the IPod May Be a Cry for Help!  Be very careful about simply dismissing vile movies, music, etc.  If they really relate to it, you are essentially dismissing them in the process.  Instead, find out how they connect with it, and how it touches them.  If you can display calm and loving acceptance of them and their interests in the midst of unpleasant music, obnoxious games, weird YouTube videos, or disturbing movies, you’ll be amazed how much your kids will tell you.

- Don’t Expect Them to Turn It Off Until They Understand Why.  Your job is not to protect them from the evils of worldly media (which are legion).  Sure, you can make them turn it off while you are around, but they will just turn it back on and get better at keeping it from you.  Your job is to empower them with the right tools of insight and spiritual health so they can make wise, tough choices without your direct protection.  Equip them through sharing your source of spiritual strength – God’s Word, living it as a model for them to see, and nurturing their engagement in regular spiritual disciplines.

- Regularly Invite Your Teens to Share Their Favorite Media with You.  Offer times with your kids where they select the music, movies, games, etc, with a promise from you that they won’t be criticized or punished for their choices (although you should reserve the right to set some standards as to what is off-limits for them).  The only requirement is they must tell you: 1. why they like it, 2. what it means to them, and 3. what they believe are the moral or life implications.  After they have shared with you, engage them in their thoughts, particularly regarding number 3, offering your own perspectives and direct Biblical guidance.  Work together to find a passage or two of Scripture that relates to their media choice.

Tags: adolescence, hope, media, movies, parenting, respect, screamfree, teens

I often refer to myself as a “resource broker.”  I am passionate about helping people connect with the best resources to improve their lives and experience transforming peace, purpose, and passion.  Whether it is a movie, a website, a local resource, a book, or who-knows-what-else, you are very likely to get a resource recommendation from me if you ask me for guidance with some life issue.  I believe in solving problems from multiple angles.  This approach seems to bring deeper, more lasting results.

Here is a list of some of the books that have made the greatest impact in my life.  They have challenged, encouraged, and enlightened me in my perspectives, actions, and emotional/relational/spiritual growth.  And I am delighted to share them with you.  They are listed in the order in which they came to mind, which does not represent any particular ranking of value.  I have linked each of them to addall.com, because I have found it to be the best source for getting the best price on books.  Trust me, just check it out.  However, for reviews on the books, you may want to check out amazon or Christianbook.

1.  “The Shack” by William P. Young - I know, I know.  This one was all the buzz in 2008.  You have likely heard both strong endorsements and strong warnings regarding this book.  I recommend the same for this one as I did for “The DaVinci Code” back when it was shaking up the world – read it for yourself.  The Shack is certainly not a sound theological treatise.  And I could find no evidence that it was intended to be interpreted as such.  What it did for me was remind me with a refreshing new illustration of the relational nature of God and the depth of his love and grace for each one of us.

2.  “A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix” by Edwin R. Friedman - If you have been following my blog for a while, you have heard about this one before.  Incredible book!  This one shook up and reshaped my paradigm about people like nothing I have ever read.  It is written on a rather intellectual level, and is certainly not a light read.  I genuinely believe Friedman understood the dynamics of people and relationships better than anyone since Jesus walked the planet (not that his insight rivaled that of Jesus – just better than anyone else’s).  Okay, that’s a seriously bold claim.  Feel free to challenge it.  Who do you think deserves that title?

3.  “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: Unleash a Revolution in Your Life in Christ” by Peter Scazzero - I urge you to read this book and to share it with your church leaders.  Then urge them to attend one of Scazzero’s church leaders’ workshops.

4.  “The Dip: A Little Book that Teaches You When to Quit (and When to Stick)” by Seth Godin- A very short, easy read that packs a whallop by one of today’s premier business coaches.

5.  “The Ragamuffin Gospel” by Brennan Manning - This one probably helped me get a healthy perspective of my relationship with God better than anything else I have ever read.  I find Manning’s writing very readable and refreshing.

6.  “Hurt: Inside the World of Today’s Teenagers” by Chap Clark - You will NOT enjoy reading this book!  It paints a very dark and ugly picture of the world in which teenagers find themselves today.  However, if you have teenagers or have a passion for teenagers, you really should read it.  Follow it up with “Disconnected: Parenting Teens in a MySpace World” by Chap and Dee Clark for a practical, encouraging guide on how to be part of the solution.

7.  “ScreamFree Parenting: Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool” by Hal Edward Runkel - If you have had a conversation with me about parenting, or read my blog for any length of time, you know how highly I regard this one.  Best book on parenting ever written (until mine hits the shelves, of course)!  Just do a search on my website with the term “ScreamFree” to see what I think.  You can also click on the link at the top right of my site to access the “Complete Parenting Revolution” (CPR) kit from ScreamFree – a great comprehensive resource.
8.  “Parenting by the Book: Biblical Wisdom for Raising Your Child” by John Rosemond - I have been a Rosemond fan for years.  His well-grounded, no-nonsense, authoritative advice on raising children is first rate.  While I recommend all of his books, I would place this one at the top of the list.

9.  “Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth” by Richard J. Foster - Read Richard Foster’s work, and prepare to grow.  Read it all.  Read it slowly.  Practice it in your life.  Share it with others.  Repeat process. Continue Reading »

Tags: books, discipline, screamfree, the journey

A paradigm is basically a worldview and overall structure for approaching and making sense of life.  I start today’s post with the concept of a paradigm, because yours may get shaken a bit today.  My number one mentor was all about shaking people’s paradigms while he was walking planet earth.  So why shouldn’t I give it a shot?

Yesterday, I challenged you to “work on yourself and serve others – not the reverse,” as a way of bringing you to much deeper peace, contentment, and purpose in life.  Well, since that obviously didn’t run you off, see what happens when you add this:

7. Take care of yourself, for the sake of others. These two pathways to peace are NOT opposed to one another, they actually reinforce each other.  I am indebted to my friend, Hal Runkel, for doing so much to enlighten me in this regard, through his tremendous work with ScreamFree Living.

Consider this with me.  Which person will be more capable of serving others well?  The individual who feels healthy and whole, not needing anything in return?  Or the individual who is running on empty, feels incomplete, and is desperately hoping to get some kind of tangible payback from the person he is serving?  Hmmm…

And if the healthy, whole individual is the one equipped to be a true servant of others, how did he reach that place of wholeness in the first place?  How did she manage to have her needs met, ensuring she wouldn’t be needy toward others?

By taking good care of self.  Not being selfish or inconsiderate of others.  Being considerate or your self, and seeing that your needs are well met is not selfish.  It is healthy, will empower you to be a tremendous servant, and will increase your level of peace exponentially!  Some may be thinking of what you have heard about Jesus’ life and teaching, and you just can’t justify my post with that.  Jesus gave his life for others.  He wasn’t concerned with self.  Right?

For those who are looking for much deeper guidance through this consideration of Jesus and His regard for self, I would encourage you to take the time to read this well-written essay.  In short, Jesus often withdrew from the crowds and their needs, so He could be alone and recharge with His Father.  He broke the rules when it was time to eat or heal, because He wasn’t in the least concerned about the approval of others.  And He taught us that the second great commandment, “The Golden Rule,” is to “love your neighbor as yourself.” Take some time to really consider and practice the full implications of that in your life.

Peace.

Tags: hope, screamfree

Well, I hope you have already gotten some helpful insight into some places to bring more peace into your life this week.  Today I want to share one of my very favorites.  As with all the other practices on my list, this one adds up slowly to a wonderful cumulative effect of greater peace.  However, today’s tip is really the only one that consistently offers immediate results of increased serenity and inner calm.  Ready?…

4. Take time for quiet meditation. There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to quiet meditation.  Different people find different types of quiet contemplation and stillness to be soothing and calming.  In fact, sometimes the same person needs different types of meditation on different days.

Prayer.  Devotional reading.  Journaling.  Intentional resting.  Listening.  Meditation on a word or phrase.  Quiet viewing of natural or artistic beauty.  Practice slowing your breathing and heartrate.  These are just a few powerful examples of ways to slow down your body and mind, inviting calm and peace to bathe and refresh your spirit.  What other methods have you experienced that really helped to slow and calm you (even if you haven’t practiced them in a while)?  And why haven’t you practiced them in a while?

You don’t have to become a monk or a nun to incorporate regular times of quiet meditation into the rhythm of your life.  Anyone can find half an hour a week for this essential practice.  I’ll bet you could even find fifteen minutes a day, if you are willing to cut down or cut out some of the time and energy drains in your typical routine.  How much time do you spend watching TV?  Facebooking or on MySpace?  Playing video or computer games?  Are you noticing how much time you give to screen viewing every day?  If you find it unsettling, decide to take charge and be a more savvy investor of your time! (For more on this issue, I highly recommend “Amusing Ourselves to Death” by Neil Postman.)

That daily commute that seems to be a never-ending battle to arrive two and a half minutes earlier?  Slow down and enjoy the ride.  Listen to music that soothes or encourages you, and really let yourself hear the music.  Rather than cursing that knothead who just cut you off, spend time praying about how you want to improve as a person in one of your key life roles.  I recently purchased a cd of sounds recorded from the beautifuly Atchafalaya Basin in South Louisiana during three distinct seasons of the year.  I save that bad boy for those days when I’m really bent in a twist.  Straightens me right out and soothes my soul!

We live in such a busy, driven, stress-filled age and culture!  I love the way Hal Runkel puts it.  He says it is really fairly easy to follow the old saying, “Don’t just stand there, do something!”  Sometimes the harder and better approach is to “Don’t just do something…stand there!” Thanks for that, Hal.  Good stuff.

Now, go find a quiet spot out there in God’s good creation and just enjoy it for a few minutes…

Tags: freedom, nature, screamfree, the journey

Yesterday, I began a series of 10 proven ways to increase your peace.  As promised, here is a second clear way to nurture a life of greater serenity and calm.

2. Take time to calm down before trying to “correct” anyone. This includes your children, your spouse (use caution correcting your spouse anytime!), your employees, your friends.  This means anyone to whom you are thinking of offering a bit of gentle correction or a big dose of reality check.  Jesus used a great illustration of taking the board out of your own eye before trying to remove the speck of sawdust from your “neighbor’s” eye.  In my experience, his advice really helps in the pursuit of a more peaceful life.  Big surprise there, huh?!

There are times in life (although not nearly as often as we might like to think) where we would do well to offer some healthy correction to someone else.  But in order for our perspective to be truly helpful, it must be shared in the right spirit.  And a calm, thoughtful, purposeful spirit is always the best bet.  When I say calm, I mean calm as in not anxious, angry, fearful, jealous, or the like.  Basically, this means not being emotionally reactive.

But you may ask, “So, I’m not supposed to show any emotion when I correct my son, or my team member, or whoever?  I’m supposed to be a robot, or something?” Not at all!  You can be very openly passionate and intense in your delivery, and this is sometimes exactly what is called for.  Express that natural emotion and passion.  Just be sure you have taken the time to be intentional and purposeful in how you express yourself.  This way your passionate words will flow from a calm, controlled center within yourself.

“Okay, Dr. Butner – good life tip, but what does this have to do with increasing the peace in my life?” Well, I’m glad you asked!  Ask yourself who you have respected more throughout your life – those people you have seen as calm, thoughtful, and respectful or those who seem to fly off the handle and thrive on “putting people in their place?”  Don’t you think others have tended to view these folks in much the same way you have?  And who do you think is likely to have greater peace and contentment in life?  The person who consistently earns the respect of others and is regarded with high character, or the individual who is feared, avoided, and/or merely tolerated due to their emotionally reactive nature?

For much greater insight into this concept and way of life, I highly recommend “ScreamFree Parenting,” which you can access through the icon at the top of my page.

Tags: personal responsibility, respect, screamfree