HopeForYourFamily

The world class athletes stand on wobbly legs, sweating profusely and wondering when this nightmare drill will end.  Some are doubled over at the goal line, retching, coughing, sputtering, and moaning.  Others have their bodies steeled and upright, but their minds are reeling.  Never in their lives have they experienced this kind of suffering.

Their jerseys declare them to be the 1980 USA hockey team.  Their halfhearted efforts on the ice and boyish comments on the bench have said otherwise tonight.  So here they are, doing line drills on the ice after the Norwegian team, all the fans, and even the rink manager have long since gone home for the night.

“AGAIN!” The whistle blows, and down and back they skate.  “AGAIN!” Another whistle blow.  Another down and back.  “AGAIN!” Down and back. “AGAIN!”  “AGAIN!” Despite the exhaustion of the players’ bodies, the disbelief of the assistant coach, and the protests of the team doctor, Coach Herb Brooks does not relent.  Over and over and over and over, the men skate the agonizing distance from one line to another, back and forth across the punishing ice.  “Back on that line.  Again!” “AGAIN!”  “AGAIN!” When will this madness end?!  Is the coach trying to kill his players?  Has he lost his mind?  Someone make it stop!!!

The rhythm is finally broken by the faltering voice of one of the players, who would eventually become team captain.  “Mike Eruzione…Winthrop, Massachusetts”  “Who do you play for?” “I play for…the United States of America!” “That’s all, gentlemen,” says Coach Brooks in a casual voice, and he turns and walks off the ice.

Do you think these men will EVER forget this lesson?!!

I think not.

Did these men learn their lesson?  Learn to play to their best ability as a team?

Ask the 1980 Soviet team!

Parents, today’s message is for us.  Buckle up.  And watch Disney’s “Miracle” about the 1980 USA hockey team while you’re at it.  It just might help drive home the point.

If we are not willing to allow our children to suffer for foolish choices, laziness, disrespect, and disobedience, then we are not willing to prepare them for life as God has called us to do.  In fact, many times it falls on our shoulders to actually induce the suffering in their lives, in an effort to help them muster the motivation to rise from their waywardness and walk on the right path.

Rewards in life are wonderful, and they can serve as helpful motivators along the way.  But let’s get honest here.  From the cradle to the grave, the life lessons most deeply impressed upon us have most often been etched into our memories by suffering.  When we suffer, we tend to become very motivated and very open to learning a better way.

And so it is with our children, be they 4, 10, 16, or beyond.  Now, I am not telling you that the key to successful parenting is to be cruel and sadistic, reveling in the pain and suffering of your children.  If that is your style, please get in to see me asap, so I can point you on a better way.  What I am telling you is that your children need you to love them enough and be devoted enough to their real, substantial growth of character that you will lovingly use the tool of suffering to guide them toward right living.

Yes, it hurts to see our children suffer.  Especially when they try to manipulate us into believing we are being cruel to them.  But we don’t do them any favors by standing back and watching them take the easier, softer way in life.  Whether they realize it or not, whether they appreciate it or not, whether they temporarily despise us for it or not, they need us to hold them accountable for their actions and see that they suffer enough for their misdeeds to find sufficient motivation to improve their ways and grow.  We must be willing to parent for the long haul, not just for the peace of the moment.

With Hope in Him, Dr. B

“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.”  Proverbs 22:15 (NIV)

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”  Proverbs 14:12 (NIV)

“Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.”  Proverbs 19:18 (NIV)

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”  Romans 5:3-5 (NIV)

Tags: adolescence, character, discipline, leadership, parenting, respect, teaching, teens

John Hall, my colleague and friend at Murphy Toerner and Associates, will be leading this new group beginning on February 4th.

* Thursdays from 7:00 pm to 8:30 pm

* 17170 Perkins Rd, Baton Rouge, LA 70810 (C-K Office Park)

* Please contact John Hall at 225-933-1542 if you are interested in attending, or would like more information.

Tags: character, coming soon..., hope, leadership, manhood, personal responsibility, respect, teaching

Some of you may consider me a big loser for posing with my friend Pooh Bear, here.  That’s cool.  Others may consider me a big loser for plenty of other reasons.

The reason I am posting this today is because I am very excited about participating in the Biggest Loser 2010: C-K Office Park edition.  Several years ago, I decided it was time to lose weight and get fit.  I did just that, losing 60 lbs in about 6 months.  I kept it off for quite some time, but slowly put almost all of it back on as I slowly lost the discipline to be guided by my goals and values over my impulses and urges.

So, I’ve been THINKING a lot for a while about losing weight and getting fit again, but DOING very little about it.  It seems I needed something a bit out of the ordinary to help me find that catalyst to get going.  Well, I found my needed catalyst.  First was a realization that my unhealthy diet and lifestyle habits are setting the pace for my son, and I am not okay with that.  Second was an invitation from a friend at my office park to pay in $10 and join the Biggest Loser pool for the next three months.  Whoever takes off the highest percentage of body weight takes home the $100 purse.  I’m in!

While my blog is not going to become a weight loss / fitness forum, I do plan to share with you my progress, lessons learned, struggles, and challenges faced over the coming weeks and months.  I thought including this recent “before” picture on my site would be a fun, if painful, incentive for me to really get serious and bring down my weight from my 6′1″ official starting weight of 227.  Maybe I won’t have to find such a rotund photo partner to feel good in my forthcoming “after” shot!

With Hope and Contentment in HIM,

Dr. B

Tags: compasses, discipline, fitness, personal responsibility, respect, the journey

Colt McCoy – hats off to you, brother!  Folks, you’ve got to see this minute and a half interview!  For those who aren’t aware, Colt McCoy was a Heisman runner-up for the last two years, and one of the most outstanding quarterbacks ever to play college football.  His Texas Longhorns played an impressive undefeated season and clearly earned the number two spot to play against the Alabama Crimson Tide for the national championship last night.  In the very first series of Texas downs, he took a hard hit to the shoulder, which apparently caused some type of nerve injury that was significant enough to sideline him for the entire game.  This resulted in the freshman backup QB playing the entire game.  No one knows how the game would have gone had McCoy played, but the Longhorns lost to a fairly dominant Alabama team, despite an impressive rapid buildup of poise and confidence in Gilbert, the green QB sub.

Given all of that, listen to the humble, steadfast words of this incredibly talented young man of faith:

Tags: compasses, hope, leadership, manhood, respect, the journey

How do I want to improve my life this year?  How have I let my self (or others) down this year?  What am I really ready to surrender this year?  What part of my life has brought me to a breaking point?  How do I want to make a difference this year?  What does my family need from me this year?

The list could go on and on.  Christmas is over and the New Year approaches.  As waistlines and credit card bills expand, our minds move to that great annual enigma – New Year’s Resolutions.

Well, if you are looking to bring some real transformation to your family this year; if you want to really improve your relationships with your kids; if you know the time has come for you to step up and lead your home in a healthier direction, you may just be amazed at the power you will unleash as you face these three simple questions every evening.  Perhaps you could write them on a card and tape them to your bathroom mirror:

1. Did I give enough healthy touch today? (The presence of ongoing healthy touch is one of the most powerful tools a parent can use to impart value, hope, and direction into the life of a child.  Please invest wisely and lavishly!)

2. Did I listen enough today? (Sure, we want our children to listen to us and respect us.  But please don’t forget – “Kids don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care!”)

3. Did I honor my word today? (Part of this challenge is to be honest with our kids, and not deceitful.  However, the greater challenge may be carrying through on our warnings of correction and discipline.  Empty threats will always steer our kids in the wrong direction – they are not neutral.  Children need parents to consistently enforce their rules to prepare them for life.)

And remember that life can only be lived and changes can only be made ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Tags: adolescence, family, leadership, parenting, respect, teens

I have heard, read, and offered many, many prayers over the course of my life thus far.  In my experience and opinion, the one offered by a boy named Samuel, at the suggestion of his mentor, is the best prayer I can offer.  I just thought I would share it with you today.  Memorizing it is actually pretty easy.  Sincerely offering it and living in it are a whole other matter, at least for me.  May this prayer offer you a pathway to tremendous growth, freedom, purpose, and joy.

“Speak, Lord.  Your servant is listening.”

Tags: hope, respect, the journey

Parenting Toward Character Goals – Installment Two:

Which person do you prefer – the considerate or inconsiderate individual?  With which person are you more at ease and more likely to share openly and honestly – the one who pays attention to you and proactively thinks of things that may bless you or the one who is so wrapped up in self that you begin to wonder if they even notice you are still there?

Not exactly a tough call, is it?  We all prefer spending time with considerate people.  People who are willing to make the effort to notice us and reach out to us and respect our choices and sometimes even sacrifice their own preferences to honor ours.  These are people who bless us.  We feel filled up and lifted up and encouraged and empowered when considerate people touch our lives in some way.  They add value to us and to our journey.

Inconsiderate people have the opposite effect.  They tend to drain us, and may really frustrate or irritate us.  Rather than eagerly anticipating our time with them, we are more likely to brace ourselves to endure our time with them.

Which camp would you like to see your child in?  Again, not a tough choice, right?  So, what are you doing to lead your son or daughter there?

And I can tell you right now – if you regularly cater to your child’s preferences and demands, doing your best to make the daily environment around your daughter or son just the way she/he wants it to be – you aren’t shaping a considerate individual.  You are helping to create yet another self-absorbed, inconsiderate individual to join in the competitive struggle of “looking out for number one.”  Let me know how that works out for you.  Or, more importantly – for your son or daughter.

Am I saying you should stop doing things for your child that he/she wants and enjoys, and turn into some cold, callous parent whose aim is to prepare that child for the harshness of a world that doesn’t care?  No, that’s not it.  Simply this.  The two most powerful ways to lead your kids toward becoming loved and cherished by others as considerate individuals are to resist the impulse to revolve the world around them and cater to their every whim, and to model consideration by practicing it in your own life.  We don’t always get our way in life, and kids do well to learn this early from Mom and Dad.  But this need not be a dreary fact.  Help them discover the joy of willingly, proactively embracing opportunities to put others first and serve them through simple gestures and sacrifices of consideration.

Tune in next time for tips on fostering the virtue of honesty in your children.

Tags: character, friends, parenting, respect

Our kids’ teachers all have learning goals and lesson plans all outlined for our children’s development in the coming months.  They are going to be very intention, deliberate, and persistent in leading our kids toward growth in these areas that have been chosen to facilitate their intellectual and social development.

As a parent, have you taken time to prayerfully consider what character goals you will set for your children to work toward this school year?  Isn’t their character development even more important than how well they learn algebra and Western literature and chemistry?  If you haven’t set any goals for character development in your kids this year, I want to strongly urge you to do so.  I would encourage you to select two primary character issues for targeted development per child this year.

As a follow-up to my August 25 Parenting 101 interview on WAFB, I will be posting a series over the next two weeks regarding setting intentional character development goals for your kids this school year.  Come back regularly for practical guidance on ways to lead children and adolescents toward growth in specific areas of character, such as courage, integrity, respect for others, self-respect, personal responsibility, and servanthood.

Tags: adolescence, coming soon..., leadership, parenting, personal responsibility, respect, teens

It is so important that we honor our word by following through on our promises.  The more we grow as people of integrity and consistency, the more respect we tend to earn from others along the way.  And this is certainly true with our children.  Whether we have promised them a reward, a punishment, or just a trip to Wal-Mart (I’ll let you decide which category fits that one), our authority in our children’s lives grows as they experience us doing what we say we will do.

But it isn’t always easy.  Is it?  For many parents, it gets really tough when we have told our child they will suffer a particular consequence for misbehavior, and then it comes time for us to enforce it.  And they are now acting so sweet and repentant.  Or they came really close to stopping the behavior wherever we drew the line.  (“One, Two, Two and a Half, Two and Three Quarters, THRRRRRRREEEEEEEEE…”)  Or we realize that enforcing the punishment will be an inconvenience or a drain for us.

Yes, it get’s tough to carry through on punishment at times.  But when the going gets tough, loving parents get going.  If we aren’t willing to enforce our word with our kids, how do we really expect them to learn self-discipline?  And folks, facilitating the growth of self-discipline in our children is one of the most rewarding gifts we can possibly give them.

So when my son took an increasingly disrespectful tone toward my wife on Sunday night, we told him he would immediately lose the basket of toys in front of him, as well as his new favorite video, for a day.  And when he persisted, after being warned of the consequences, he was told he had just lost them for two days.  At this point he wisely shut his mouth and marched to his room for some self-imposed cool-down time.  Several times yesterday, he really applied the pressure to us by telling us how very sorry he was, and how he had learned and would be nice from now on.  We thanked him for his new attitude, told him we were glad he had learned his lesson, and reminded him he would get back his toys and videos on Wednesday.  At which point he wigged out and stormed back to his room.

No penitent vows of respectful living for life from the lad today.  Because Chemaine and I passed his tests yesterday by not going back on our word, he is realizing there are real consequences to misbehavior that aren’t too pleasant to suffer through.  He calmly asked me in the garage this morning, “Is it Wednesday yet?”  And when I answered, “No, today is Tuesday.  But tomorrow is Wednesday,” his face lit up and he beamed, “Thanks for telling me that, Dad!”

Tags: discipline, family, leadership, parenting, respect

There is an insidious epidemic ravaging the families of America today.  It is corrupting our young people, frustrating parents, and leading to terrible consequences.  That epidemic…

MySpace!  Just kidding.  And I’m not talking about drugs, school violence, teen sexual behavior, self-injury, domestic violence, divorce, fatherlessness, or golden parachutes, either, although these are all awful.  (How did that last one get in there?)

The epidemic is that many parents have lost their nerve.  They no longer believe they are the authority in the home.  They no longer lead with an underlying knowledge that their children/teens must live with a healthy “fear” of them, not the other way around.  These parents (which are increasingly becoming the American norm) don’t believe they have what it takes.  They are frustrated, scared, resentful, confused, or sometimes just outright hopeless.  And they are desperately looking to the overwhelming landscape of “parenting experts” for help.  Authors, therapists, talk show hosts, anyone who seems to have the secret – just someone who can help turn the ship around.

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Day after day and week after week these parents come to my office seeking the right communication tools, or the correct disciplinary techniques, or just someone who can “fix” their unruly adolescent.  I believe effective communication is essential to healthy parenting and family life.  Strong, clear, consistent discipline is critical.  Understanding their kids without being freaked out by them or their passions is a must.  But many of these parents need to make a more fundamental shift before any of these tools will make much real difference for them.

They need to believe in themselves.  They need to believe they have what it takes to lead with authority, courage, and conviction.  They need to believe they are the authority, simply because they are the parents and God made it that way.  They need to quit waiting on respect or obedience from their kids, because it’s going to be a long and miserable wait, until they decide to start leading with authority.

I love the movie “The Matrix,” which was a brilliant sci-fi allegory of faith.  Check it out for yourself, it’s great!  In an early scene, Morpheus (the prophet figure) is training Neo (the savior figure), while the rest of their crew are excitedly watching.  They are fighting within a computer generated world where the laws of physics don’t exactly apply, as long as you believe you can defy these laws.  It is all very new and overwhelming for Neo, who is just struggling not to take a beating.  Morpheus insistently tells him he is faster than this, and then makes this profound statement…

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“Don’t think you are.  Know you are!”

This proves to be a critical turning point in Neo’s journey to realizing his full powerful created purpose.  Parents, don’t wish you are the strong, healthy authority in your home.  Don’t hope you are.  Don’t even just think you are…

KNOW YOU ARE!!!

Tags: leadership, movies, parenting, respect