I have always loved this classic song by the Byrds, inspired by Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about stress, demands, busyness, self-discipline, entertainment, enjoyment of life and family and work and play, and the intersection of these things.  (Yes, there are always lots of wheels turning inside my noggin.  It’s like a funhouse in here – trust me!)  Today I find myself especially considering the role of electronic gadgetry in the midst of this swirling mix.  I got an i-Phone a couple months or so ago, primarily because there is an app for my online scheduling system, and I hoped it would improve my business efficiency.  Well, it has certainly done that.  My scheduling process has never been smoother for me or my clients!  In addition, I have found this little gizmo to be an immensely helpful tool in many ways – from helping me navigate trips to boosting my enjoyment of amateur photography to assisting me in organizing my overall schedule to providing a handy-dandy light to navigate the toy-infested waters of my son’s room for a late night kiss on his cheek before going to bed.  But the impact on my life doesn’t stop there.  Consider also…

Words With Friends and the Facebook app and just how easy it is now to text like a maniac.  With such powerful distractions just a slide and a tap, tap, tap away, it is easy for my attention, my mind, my spirit, and my life to get seriously out of balance.  Not good.  And I’m a 37 year old man with the Holy Spirit, years of walking with Christ and attempting to live in surrender to the Father’s will, and even a doctorate in studying the role of mass media in family life all to assist me in making wise choices.  Imagine the impact on the fourteen year olds!

And this is not to mention the place of the Wii, XBox, Playstation, laptop computer, internet itself, i-Pad, Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, etc.  And I shudder to consider this new technology with its unprecedented implications.

My point is this.  As parents – as adults – we need to live in view of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.  You know, while we’re at it, let’s go ahead and live in view of all of chapter 3, and might as well throw in Romans 12 for good measure!  All very difficult to do when I am giving my best to an electronic idol.  Ouch, did I really just post that on my website?!!  Our kids need us to be sober-minded, well-balanced guides to show them how to live rightly and humbly before God.  How are we doing?

Here’s a little Christmas idea for your kids this year…give them the gift of limits on their screen time.

Don’t expect them to jump for joy and sing your praises as if you just bought them the latest greatest video game.  But then, good parenting isn’t all about having our kids sing our praises, is it?  Here are some suggestions for establishing healthy screen time limits in your home:

1. Include all screens in “screen-time” rules and limits (TV, computer, video games, movies, even cell phone apps).  Let them decide which screen is most important to them on a given day.  Giving them this opportunity for making priority choices is a great way to help them grow an important life-skill.

2. Have regular limits on screen-time as a proactive measure – not just for punishment.

3. Take away portions of screen-time for punishment to maximize effectiveness.  Cutting that Wii time in half is sometimes more painful (effective) than taking it away completely.  Depending on the infraction, we cut our son’s screen-time out by three minute, five minute, half hour, and screen-type (no Wii, but internet is still on, etc) increments.  He only loses future screen-time if he has gone WAY out of bounds on a big issue like respect.

4. Be more rigid on school nights and more flexible on weekends, vacation time, etc.

5. Always be ready to offer positive alternatives to screen-time.  Playing catch outside, working a puzzle, playing a board game, reading a book, riding a bike – the sky’s the limit!

6. Set time limits based on age and other reasonable factors.  For example, we give our soon-to-be 7 year old an hour of screen-time on weeknights and leave it fairly open-ended on weekends.  We allow him “extra” screen-time during weekends because he is an only child, and we try to be realistic about that.  Also, you will have to make reasonable allowances for school-required screen time online.

7. Be in charge.  If you cave in to your child’s whines, manipulations, and complaints on a regular basis, you are letting them be in charge, and cheating them of your leadership.

8. Sprinkle grace into your disciplined structure.  Now and then, we let our son have extra screen-time “just because.”  Also, we don’t have a set system for earning more screen-time, but are willing to give him a bump at times when he has done something outstanding.  It’s always a big hit, and helps him realize we are not simply looking for ways to limit his fun.

9. Be as engaged in your child’s screen-time as possible.  Know what they are into, be present with them while using their screen-time as often as you can, and talk with them about what they like and what they think about what they are taking in via the screen.

10. Have reasonable screen-time limits in your own life.  If you tank this one, the first nine points won’t work too well for your family.

Merry Christmas and Happy Screen-Time to you and your family from Dr. Butner!

Keep Louisiana Beautiful

Just wanted to introduce you to this non-profit organization whose office is right here at C-K Office Park, home of our wonderful crew of Christian counselors at Murphy Toerner and Associates.  Whether it is a cigarette butt, piece of gum, candy/snack wrapper, drink can, or whatever else, do you ever stop to consider what happens to your trash after you throw it down on the ground?  I’m not asking anyone to become some sort of zealous “tree-hugging” environmentalist.  But take some responsibility for your self and your garbage, and see how much more beautiful the world can be.

(Thanks to WAFB Channel 9 for inviting me to share this message with their viewers!)

Click here to watch WAFB bullying interview with Dr. Butner

Q. Is bullying becoming a worse problem in our society today?  If so, why?

A. YES!  It is clearly becoming a growing epidemic among us.  I believe the most significant contributing factor is the growing number of communication channels available that allow us to send powerful messages immediately, without taking time to think through our emotion or impulse.  There are two reasons this has given rise to more bullying behavior.  First, such digital communication is viral.  One message sent can quickly be spread to mass numbers of people in ways that were unimaginable to us back when I was a teen in the 80s and early 90s.  Second, such communication channels give an illusion of safe distance where it becomes easy to think of the message simply as fun comments, and not as a direct assault on a real live person.  As we become increasing consumers of digital communication, we will continue to see a rise in bullying, particularly cyber-bullying.

Q. What can we do about this?

A. Parents, teachers, coaches, school administrators, pastors, scout leaders, and the like must commit to a no-tolerance stand against any type of bullying behavior.  In addition to physically aggressive behavior and threatening messages, this includes hurtful name-calling, manipulative pressure tactics, deliberate exclusion and ridicule, etc.  Children and youth need to learn from an early age that the adult leaders of their community are standing together against such foolishness, thoughtlessness, and cruelty.

A. Parents can contact your school administration to find out what is in place to monitor and respond to bullying.  Challenge your school to be proactive and effective in their approach.

A. Parents need to take time to clearly teach and coach our kids in respectful behavior toward others, including face to face, phone conversation, texting, and online formats.  Don’t assume your kids will do the right thing.  Train them to do the right thing!

A. We must watch our own words and actions carefully.  For example, what message are you sending your kids when you scream and cuss at players, coaches, and officials during a football game that isn’t playing out to your liking?  How do you treat other drivers during traffic?  What kind of snarky comments and “likes” are you posting on your own Facebook page?  Any time we use our words and actions to tear down others, we are essentially giving our kids permission to be bullies.

A. Teach victims to respond calmly, rather than reacting emotionally.  Emotional reactions typically “fuel the fire” of bullies, bringing on more of the unwanted behavior.

A. Help victims find genuine strength and self-worth in their abilities and your love.

Q. What are some signs that your child might be the victim of bullying?

A. Sudden lack of interest in social activities.

A. Sudden change in Facebook/MySpace activity (You ARE keeping an eye on your teen’s Facebook/MySpace activity, AREN’T YOU?!!)

A. Lashing out toward siblings, pets, property, etc.

For much more guidance, information, resources, etc, check out Bullying.org

Book Recommendation: “The Wounded Spirit” by Frank Peretti

Hoping you can somehow forever avoid talking to your kids about sex?  You aren’t alone.  But you also need to face your fears, say a prayer, dig deep, and dive in with your kids.  You may want to start with this post about having the Tough Talks with kids.

As promised in my Parenting 101 interview, below is a big list of varioius resources to parents to help you in talking with your kids about sex as you lead them toward healthy sexuality and making wise choices for themselves.  I would encourage you to take some time browsing through these various resources, and see what is most helpful for you and your family.  First, here are a couple of simple tips to keep in mind:

Having the Tough Talks: SEX

Q.  Why is it so important for parents to talk to our kids about sex?  Can’t kids figure it out on their own?

A.  As long as you don’t mind your kids learning about sex via porn, other kids who think they are experts, experimentation, or entertainment choices that offer no moral guidance, then you really don’t need to concern your self with having this Tough Talk.  Sure, they can figure it out on their own.  Let me know how that works out for them!

Q.  What can parents do about their fears or awkwardness regarding having this Tough Talk?

A.  Before you let your fears and awkwardness stop you from talking with your kids about sex, consider how much trouble they can find sexually if you don’t talk with them.  Maybe your fear for what your kids could experience without your guidance will help motivate you to plunge in and get the talk going.  Also, don’t expect that you have to talk it all out in one big conversation.  Start with some basic information and guidelines before moving into all the nitty-gritty details.  And be sure to offer basic moral guidelines throughout the process.  You will offer the best guidance for your kids with the least stress for both of you if you will work toward making sexuality a part of an ongoing conversation between you where questions and comments can be offered without shame or reactivity.

Living in a “Porn is the Norm” Culture (article from CPYU)

Love’s Got Everything To Do With It! (article from CPYU)

Guess Who’s coming to Breakfast (article from CPYU)

Questions Kids Ask About Sex: Honest Answers For Every Age (paperback)

God’s Design for Sex Series (4 books at 4 developmental levels)

Learning About Sex For Boys (5 books at 5 developmental levels)

Learning About Sex For Girls (5 books at 5 developmental levels)

Teens And Sex (booklet from CPYU)

Pornography (booklet from CPYU)

Next Time I Fall In Love (book)

Sex Q & A (booklet)

Talking About Sex (article from Focus on the Family)

Talking to Tweens About Love, Sex, and Relationships (article from Focus on the Family)

Healthy Childhood Sexual Development (article from Focus on the Family)

How to Start Early (article from Focus on the Family)

Sex Education (articles, etc from Family Life)

(Based on my 8/31 WAFB Parenting 101 interview)

When is the right age to start talking with your kids about drugs and alcohol?

• Whenever a situation presents itself, whether in “real life” or on screen, where the subject of alcohol or drugs makes sense to discuss. In fact, “Intervention” on A&E is a fantastic resource for parents to utilize in teaching your kids about where the abuse of drugs and alcohol can lead.  Set your DVR to record the show regularly, then find an episode or two that you feel comfortable using as an illustration and conversation guide.
• If your child makes it to middle school without you having shared a few direct, specific talks along these lines, YOU ARE LATE AND NEED TO CATCH UP NOW!!!

What are some important things to do in talking with our kids about alcohol and drugs?

• Be honest with them. If you really want to protect and empower your children to the fullest, so they are well equipped to make wise choices in this area of life, show them the respect of telling the truth.
• Be specific with them. “Drugs are dangerous” may be a good starting point for a seven year old, but at some point you need to tell them and show them what are the particular risks of using/abusing inhalants, opiates, marijuana, alcohol, prescription pills, etc.
• Invite them to ask questions. Sure, they may stump you with an unexpected zinger.  Big deal!  Find the answer together, empowering them and building your relationship in the process.
• Share any lessons you have learned “the hard way.” Yes, you should use age-appropriate judgment in how much detail you share with your kids, but their are few lessons that will get their attention like the ones where their parents made mistakes and paid a price for it.

What are some important things NOT to do in talking with our kids about drugs and alcohol?

• Make big threats. Telling your kids they will be grounded for a year or sent to boot camp or on God’s permanent Naughty List if they ever drink or use drugs will not be helpful to them at all, and may increase their likelihood of indulging in the “secret forbidden fruit” syndrome – hiding their struggles from you and the world.  Not good!
• Go to extremes of exaggeration or avoidance. Again, this is disempowering and not at all helpful, as it does not help ground and equip them in reality.  And drugs and alcohol are very real, let me assure you.
• Scare them into never talking to you again. So, you feel scared or uneasy about discussing this stuff with your kids.  GET OVER IT!  They NEED you to be calm and confident as you discuss the realities of alcohol and drug use and abuse with them.

Where can parents get help if you are concerned your child/teen may have a problem with alcohol or drugs?

• Alcoholics Anonymous World Services Baton Rouge AA Central Office (225-381-9609 in Baton Rouge)
• Al-Anon / Alateen Family Groups Al-Anon in Louisiana (225-924-0029 in Baton Rouge)
• Narcotics Anonymous World Services Louisiana Region NA (225-381-9609 in Baton Rouge)
• Tau Center for Chemical Dependency (225-765-8900 a great local resource for the Baton Rouge area)
• Teen Challenge USA (Christian treatment for alcoholism and addiction for all ages at sites throughout the country)
• Call me at 225-333-1582 or email me at roger@hopeforyourfamily.com or contact another local mental health professional with experience working with teens, families, and alcohol/drug issues (Always feel free to call and ask mental health professionals about their training and experience before scheduling any appointments).

Thank you, Rick Warren, for clobbering my shins with this inspired message! (Be sure to click on the link to read Pastor Warren’s full message.)

1. Stop making excuses.

2. Start today.

3. Establish a planned routine.

4. Face your fears.

5. Focus on what you gain, not the pain.

- Don’t ask, “What do I feel like doing?”  Instead ask, “What does God want me to do?”

I will never forget the tension and anxiety that permeated my house and family as I crossed the bridge from ignorance to knowledge regarding the fundamentals of sex.  Let me take you on a quick trip back to this poignant memory in my life.

I was in the fifth grade at a private Christian school.  Our school’s approach to sex education was to set aside one afternoon each year for the fifth and sixth grade guys and the fifth and sixth grade girls to meet together with a teacher of their own gender to watch a cartoon about the basic purposes, biology, mechanics, and functions of human sex and to spend time in Q & A / discussion about it.  In order to participate in the video viewing and discussion, students had to get their parents to sign a consent form and return it to the school.  No big deal, right?  Well, depends on your personality and your family dynamics.

I sensed immediately this was something that would be unpleasant at best, and should probably be avoided at all costs.  Somehow I had gotten the clear message that issues of sexuality were taboo in our household.  And I complied with all my might!  I brought that consent form home and silently laid it on the kitchen counter, hoping and praying my parents would sign it and leave it for me to return without having to face the terrifying awkwardness of this unknown conversational territory with them.  Well, my folks signed it an left it there for me without comment or question.  AFTER LEAVING IT SITTING SILENTLY ON THAT KITCHEN COUNTER FOR A WHOLE WEEK!  I think simple breathing was difficult that week.  The only two things that changed the next year were I spent more time in anticipatory worry and my parents signed the paper the first night.

I don’t know for sure how or when I will face this issue with my son.  And I’m sure I won’t get it all right.  But I’m sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that I won’t do it the way my folks did.  Oh yeah, there was also that time in the third or fourth grade when I asked my Dad out in our country backyard why the roosters were always attacking the hens, and he replied, “They’re making love, Son.”  Okay, Dad – check!

My point is not to vilify my parents or rake them over the coals.  My Mom may very well end up reading this post, and I wrestled with whether or not to share it.  I decided to share it with you because I think it typifies the kind of anxiety that so often keeps parents from having The Tough Talks with their kids in a purposeful, effective, and helpful manner.  After you finish laughing at me and my family (don’t be too hard on us – we all have our goofy stuff), you may find your self still unsure about how to have The Tough Talks with your own kids.  If so, I won’t laugh at you, but I will offer the following for your consideration and implementation.

• Being uncomfortable talking to your kids about sex, alcohol, drugs, morals, divorce, etc is perfectly okay.  As long as you are willing to take a breath, say a prayer, and have the Tough Talks anyway.  Be a Nike parent.  JUST DO IT!
• Remember how much is at stake for your child.  Consider their chances of successfully navigating these waters without an experienced someone courageously showing them the way.  Consider where they may get their direction, if not from you.  Keep it in perspective.
• Practice saying the really hard stuff before you actually talk with your child.  Practice saying the really important stuff before you actually talk with your child.  Practice it with your spouse.  Practice it with a friend.  The more you practice saying the really hard/important stuff, the more you can get comfortable with the words and the greater your chances of getting them out at least halfway right with your kids.  Practice makes possible.
• Prep your child for The Tough Talk by having her/him read an assigned book, article, or manual before the conversation.  Equip your child for The Tough Talk. (By the way, my parents did get me a copy of “Preparing for Adolescents” by James Dobson at some point in there.)
• Prep your self, and maybe your child as well, with a movie that leads into the topic or inspires you to step up and lead courageously.  Movies and TV shows can provide some rich life-material ripe for thoughtful and meaningful conversation, if you will take the time to notice it, select it, and seize the moment.  Use entertainment media to your advantage.
• Start by discussing the level of discomfort in your self, and invite your child to do the same.  Once you have acknowledged the elephant in the living room, you will be more comfortable to go ahead with the guts of The Tough Talk.  Laugh at your discomfort!
• For crying out loud, don’t try to do this all alone or reinvent the wheel!  Ask your friends or trusted family members how they crossed this particular bridge (or similar ones).  Whether the stories you hear supply you with How-To or How-Not-To, you will be better equipped and less anxious when you step out on that bridge to lead your child across previously uncharted waters.  Ask friends for their stories.

I sincerely hope this is helpful in your quest to courageously, lovingly, and effectively lead your child through the challenging waters of life as you share The Tough Talks together.  I will be posting follow-up articles with specific tips for specific topics in the coming weeks and months, as I continue presenting my series of Having The Tough Talks on my Parenting 101 interview segment on WAFB at 6:15ish am the last Tuesday of the month.

Spring is in the air, at least here at my home of Baton Rouge.  (Along with the abominable yellow dust of misery, but that’s for another post on another day!)  The weather, the greenery, and the birds all serve to remind us that life continues to emerge and change.  Closets are cleaned out.  Cars are washed.  Living rooms and offices are rearranged.  And weeds are attacked!

What is your favorite method of reclaiming your lawn from these hearty, but unwelcome, guests?

There is the classic: “Just pretend I don’t notice them and mow them down periodically just like the rest of the green stuff in the yard” approach.  It won’t win you the neighborhood lawn of the month award, but it works for many.

There is the much-envied: “I’ve got plenty of dough to hire someone else to come face these little chloroplastic tyrants for me” approach.  Keeps the feet happy, the neighbors content, and the hands clean.

One of our family favorites is the: “Let ‘em grow til you can’t take it anymore, then go out and break your back for two days, momentarily inspiring admiration and hope in your onlooking neighbors” method.  (I sure do seem concerned about my onlooking neighbors!  God, free me from that bondage.)  When the back heals up, this one offers some real satisfaction for a week or two.  And then, overnight it seems, through some sort of mystic underground fornication, the weedy offspring arise with more hunger and determination than their forebears.

Inspired by my success last year in the back yard, this year I am hitting both front and back yard with the environmental excuse-me of: “Napalm the area with a shower of multicolored chemical granules guaranteed to feed the grass and strangle the weeds.” The environmental custodian in me takes a beating, but my yard looks dandy, neither my bank account nor my back take too much of a beating, and once again – happy neighbors.

And for those rare few: “Get out in the yard a couple times a week to carefully, persistently pull out the weeds by hand.” Someday…

No, my website isn’t turning into a horticultural academy, although this isn’t the first time the subject of weeding has inspired me to look at life more carefully.  What God has been calling me to consider lately is how I approach the challenge of overcoming bad habits, sins, shortcomings, relational obstacles, and character defects in my life and in the lives of the clients who ask me to help them face the weed-infested landscapes of their own lives.

Am I looking for a quick fix?  Do I take time to grasp the roots of my problems, or just clean them up a bit and move on?  How willing am I to roll up my sleeves and put effort into overcoming my besetting struggles?  Can I fully enjoy my life, even though I still have ongoing problems and tendencies toward sin?  Who do I expect to take responsibility for my stuff?  Would I prefer a chemical solution?  What’s the deal with me thinking so much about how much the neighbors are (probably not) focusing on me?  Do I thank God for the green grass and my available tools – or curse Him for the weeds?  Why do one-time solutions appeal to me so much more than persistent, steadfast husbandry?

Thanks for taking time to consider life and struggles with me for a bit.  I gotta run.  It’s time to go share weeding stories with some good friends of mine…

If you have not yet heard about the success of Urban Prep Academy in Chicago, check this out!  Hats off to these young men and the educators who have believed in them and called them out and up.