I will never forget the tension and anxiety that permeated my house and family as I crossed the bridge from ignorance to knowledge regarding the fundamentals of sex.  Let me take you on a quick trip back to this poignant memory in my life.

I was in the fifth grade at a private Christian school.  Our school’s approach to sex education was to set aside one afternoon each year for the fifth and sixth grade guys and the fifth and sixth grade girls to meet together with a teacher of their own gender to watch a cartoon about the basic purposes, biology, mechanics, and functions of human sex and to spend time in Q & A / discussion about it.  In order to participate in the video viewing and discussion, students had to get their parents to sign a consent form and return it to the school.  No big deal, right?  Well, depends on your personality and your family dynamics.

I sensed immediately this was something that would be unpleasant at best, and should probably be avoided at all costs.  Somehow I had gotten the clear message that issues of sexuality were taboo in our household.  And I complied with all my might!  I brought that consent form home and silently laid it on the kitchen counter, hoping and praying my parents would sign it and leave it for me to return without having to face the terrifying awkwardness of this unknown conversational territory with them.  Well, my folks signed it an left it there for me without comment or question.  AFTER LEAVING IT SITTING SILENTLY ON THAT KITCHEN COUNTER FOR A WHOLE WEEK!  I think simple breathing was difficult that week.  The only two things that changed the next year were I spent more time in anticipatory worry and my parents signed the paper the first night.

I don’t know for sure how or when I will face this issue with my son.  And I’m sure I won’t get it all right.  But I’m sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that I won’t do it the way my folks did.  Oh yeah, there was also that time in the third or fourth grade when I asked my Dad out in our country backyard why the roosters were always attacking the hens, and he replied, “They’re making love, Son.”  Okay, Dad – check!

My point is not to vilify my parents or rake them over the coals.  My Mom may very well end up reading this post, and I wrestled with whether or not to share it.  I decided to share it with you because I think it typifies the kind of anxiety that so often keeps parents from having The Tough Talks with their kids in a purposeful, effective, and helpful manner.  After you finish laughing at me and my family (don’t be too hard on us – we all have our goofy stuff), you may find your self still unsure about how to have The Tough Talks with your own kids.  If so, I won’t laugh at you, but I will offer the following for your consideration and implementation.

• Being uncomfortable talking to your kids about sex, alcohol, drugs, morals, divorce, etc is perfectly okay.  As long as you are willing to take a breath, say a prayer, and have the Tough Talks anyway.  Be a Nike parent.  JUST DO IT!
• Remember how much is at stake for your child.  Consider their chances of successfully navigating these waters without an experienced someone courageously showing them the way.  Consider where they may get their direction, if not from you.  Keep it in perspective.
• Practice saying the really hard stuff before you actually talk with your child.  Practice saying the really important stuff before you actually talk with your child.  Practice it with your spouse.  Practice it with a friend.  The more you practice saying the really hard/important stuff, the more you can get comfortable with the words and the greater your chances of getting them out at least halfway right with your kids.  Practice makes possible.
• Prep your child for The Tough Talk by having her/him read an assigned book, article, or manual before the conversation.  Equip your child for The Tough Talk. (By the way, my parents did get me a copy of “Preparing for Adolescents” by James Dobson at some point in there.)
• Prep your self, and maybe your child as well, with a movie that leads into the topic or inspires you to step up and lead courageously.  Movies and TV shows can provide some rich life-material ripe for thoughtful and meaningful conversation, if you will take the time to notice it, select it, and seize the moment.  Use entertainment media to your advantage.
• Start by discussing the level of discomfort in your self, and invite your child to do the same.  Once you have acknowledged the elephant in the living room, you will be more comfortable to go ahead with the guts of The Tough Talk.  Laugh at your discomfort!
• For crying out loud, don’t try to do this all alone or reinvent the wheel!  Ask your friends or trusted family members how they crossed this particular bridge (or similar ones).  Whether the stories you hear supply you with How-To or How-Not-To, you will be better equipped and less anxious when you step out on that bridge to lead your child across previously uncharted waters.  Ask friends for their stories.

I sincerely hope this is helpful in your quest to courageously, lovingly, and effectively lead your child through the challenging waters of life as you share The Tough Talks together.  I will be posting follow-up articles with specific tips for specific topics in the coming weeks and months, as I continue presenting my series of Having The Tough Talks on my Parenting 101 interview segment on WAFB at 6:15ish am the last Tuesday of the month.

Spring is in the air, at least here at my home of Baton Rouge.  (Along with the abominable yellow dust of misery, but that’s for another post on another day!)  The weather, the greenery, and the birds all serve to remind us that life continues to emerge and change.  Closets are cleaned out.  Cars are washed.  Living rooms and offices are rearranged.  And weeds are attacked!

What is your favorite method of reclaiming your lawn from these hearty, but unwelcome, guests?

There is the classic: “Just pretend I don’t notice them and mow them down periodically just like the rest of the green stuff in the yard” approach.  It won’t win you the neighborhood lawn of the month award, but it works for many.

There is the much-envied: “I’ve got plenty of dough to hire someone else to come face these little chloroplastic tyrants for me” approach.  Keeps the feet happy, the neighbors content, and the hands clean.

One of our family favorites is the: “Let ‘em grow til you can’t take it anymore, then go out and break your back for two days, momentarily inspiring admiration and hope in your onlooking neighbors” method.  (I sure do seem concerned about my onlooking neighbors!  God, free me from that bondage.)  When the back heals up, this one offers some real satisfaction for a week or two.  And then, overnight it seems, through some sort of mystic underground fornication, the weedy offspring arise with more hunger and determination than their forebears.

Inspired by my success last year in the back yard, this year I am hitting both front and back yard with the environmental excuse-me of: “Napalm the area with a shower of multicolored chemical granules guaranteed to feed the grass and strangle the weeds.” The environmental custodian in me takes a beating, but my yard looks dandy, neither my bank account nor my back take too much of a beating, and once again – happy neighbors.

And for those rare few: “Get out in the yard a couple times a week to carefully, persistently pull out the weeds by hand.” Someday…

No, my website isn’t turning into a horticultural academy, although this isn’t the first time the subject of weeding has inspired me to look at life more carefully.  What God has been calling me to consider lately is how I approach the challenge of overcoming bad habits, sins, shortcomings, relational obstacles, and character defects in my life and in the lives of the clients who ask me to help them face the weed-infested landscapes of their own lives.

Am I looking for a quick fix?  Do I take time to grasp the roots of my problems, or just clean them up a bit and move on?  How willing am I to roll up my sleeves and put effort into overcoming my besetting struggles?  Can I fully enjoy my life, even though I still have ongoing problems and tendencies toward sin?  Who do I expect to take responsibility for my stuff?  Would I prefer a chemical solution?  What’s the deal with me thinking so much about how much the neighbors are (probably not) focusing on me?  Do I thank God for the green grass and my available tools – or curse Him for the weeds?  Why do one-time solutions appeal to me so much more than persistent, steadfast husbandry?

Thanks for taking time to consider life and struggles with me for a bit.  I gotta run.  It’s time to go share weeding stories with some good friends of mine…

If you have not yet heard about the success of Urban Prep Academy in Chicago, check this out!  Hats off to these young men and the educators who have believed in them and called them out and up.

* Thursdays from 7:00 pm to 8:30 pm

* 17170 Perkins Rd, Baton Rouge, LA 70810 (C-K Office Park)

* Please contact John Hall at 225-933-1542 if you are interested in attending, or would like more information.

Tug-of-war can be a really fun way to get exercise, build teamwork, and enjoy a spirited competition.  Then again, it can also be a great way to get pulled into a big mud puddle!

Emotional tug-of-war can be a frustrating, draining exercise that diverts our energy from positive pursuits and relationship-building activity into a muddy pit of wasted life.  Does this sound familiar?  Have you experienced the discouragement of pouring seemingly endless energy into a relationship, with the underlying goal of “having it your way,” only to feel the ongoing pull on the emotional rope of the other person who is equally invested in “having it his/her way?”  There are definitely better ways to get a strenuous workout!

Folks, as I always strive to do in my sharing with you, I’m going to level with you about my own struggles in this fruitless playing of emotional tug-of-war.  Despite my sincere desire and efforts to grow spiritually, emotionally, relationally (they are really simply different strands of the same rope, by the way), I still slip back into playing this game.  It is exhausting and a ridiculous waste of my time, focus, and energy.  And yet, there I go – picking up the rope and straining and pulling and sweating and cursing for all I’m worth!  YUCK!

The weariness and emotional drain isn’t even the most painful part of the process.  The real pain comes in realizing that however justified and “Right” I may feel in my position in this particular round of emotional tug-of-war, what is actually driving me to hold that rope and pull with all my might is PRIDE.  Plain old sinful egotistical pride!  I think my way is right, and I won’t let go until you agree.  Take that!  And so I voluntarily tie my self to an individual (or organization or entity) that I believe, at least at the present moment, to be misguided and wrong.  And then I wonder why my blood pressure goes up and I feel agitated and tired.  Wait a minute – haven’t I been pursuing FREEDOM in my life?!!  Don’t I still want to live in freedom as I journey along the road of life?  Don’t I still believe I cannot truly offer gifts of freedom to others if I do not live in freedom in my own life?  What to do?…

DROP THE ROPE!!!

(Next post – Dropping the Rope)

Some of you may consider me a big loser for posing with my friend Pooh Bear, here.  That’s cool.  Others may consider me a big loser for plenty of other reasons.

The reason I am posting this today is because I am very excited about participating in the Biggest Loser 2010: C-K Office Park edition.  Several years ago, I decided it was time to lose weight and get fit.  I did just that, losing 60 lbs in about 6 months.  I kept it off for quite some time, but slowly put almost all of it back on as I slowly lost the discipline to be guided by my goals and values over my impulses and urges.

So, I’ve been THINKING a lot for a while about losing weight and getting fit again, but DOING very little about it.  It seems I needed something a bit out of the ordinary to help me find that catalyst to get going.  Well, I found my needed catalyst.  First was a realization that my unhealthy diet and lifestyle habits are setting the pace for my son, and I am not okay with that.  Second was an invitation from a friend at my office park to pay in $10 and join the Biggest Loser pool for the next three months.  Whoever takes off the highest percentage of body weight takes home the $100 purse.  I’m in!

While my blog is not going to become a weight loss / fitness forum, I do plan to share with you my progress, lessons learned, struggles, and challenges faced over the coming weeks and months.  I thought including this recent “before” picture on my site would be a fun, if painful, incentive for me to really get serious and bring down my weight from my 6′1″ official starting weight of 227.  Maybe I won’t have to find such a rotund photo partner to feel good in my forthcoming “after” shot!

With Hope and Contentment in HIM,

Dr. B

Well, for many folks, this is the season of FEAR.  Yes, it’s time to don the hockey masks, vampire capes, fake blood, and gruesome prosthetics and go scare up some candy.  Or, for the real daredevil – go out and bob for apples in a vat of Swine Flu slobbered water.  Mmm, mmm, good!

Fear may be good for those in the Halloween business, but it isn’t good for parenting.

So this year, as your kids head out for their fright night festivities, see if you can muster up the nerve to parent them out of faith, rather than fear.  Sure, you need to prepare kids young and old for the important decision points that could likely arise and pose danger or trouble of various kinds.  And if your kids have recently broken the rules, made foolish choices, or in other ways broken your trust and shown themselves to be irresponsible, the right thing for you to do may be to “ground them” from Halloween activities this weekend.  But holding them back in fearful parenting will not serve them well.  Instead, lead with the kind of faith that shows a confidence in your authority as well as in their ability to do the right thing.  So, whether you will be sending out your 16 year old for the evening with a prayer for her/his safety and wisdom or sending your 6 year old around the block or church parking lot right in front of you, send them out with the confident expectation and preparation do the right thing, use good judgment, and have a blast.

And save some Reese’s cups for my son.  His Dad He really loves those things!

Parenting by Faith,

Dr Butner

And here are the rich words of wisdom I heard from God this morning, as I paused to seek fresh life from Him in the book of Proverbs (NCV):

“The wise say very little, and those with understanding stay calm.”  (17:27)

“What you say can mean life or death.  Those who speak with care will be rewarded.”  (18:21)

“People’s own foolishness ruins their lives, but in their minds they blame the LORD.”  (19:3)

“Being kind to the poor is like lending to the LORD; he will reward you for what you have done.  (19:17)

“Correct your children while there is still hope; do not let them destroy themselves.”  (19:18)

With Hope, Life, and Strength in Him,

Roger

- Homework is the student’s responsibility, NOT the parent’s!

- Parents CANNOT control kids’ choices (about homework or anything else).

- Parents CAN control consequences.

- Keep school performance expectations reasonable.

- Provide reasonable suffering to induce motivation.

- Canceling text messaging is a great motivator for teens!

Enjoy, be at peace, and be blessed.

I am increasingly realizing that I have been terribly duped for much of my life.  My flesh has conspired with the American culture of hedonism to raise me on a steady diet of the consideration, “What do I feel like doing?”  Some regular variations include, “What would make me more comfortable?” “What would make me happy?” and “What is easiest?”  Let’s face it, a great deal of the advertising that bombards us on a daily basis is built on these kinds of questions.

And it usually starts very early.  As a parent, I have a tremendous responsibility to train my child in the reality that being led by these flesh-directed considerations will not bring him to fulfillment, joy, and freedom.  No small task, when the millions of mighty voices of our worldly culture are chanting in unison, “Have it your way!”

I am sick of being duped by this insidious lie that my flesh will lead me to contentment.  It never has, and it never will.  God, have mercy on me.  Lord, free me from this self-imposed slavery.  Spirit, lead me in the paths of righteousness.

And so – last night I decided to defy this old way of life.  I checked my schedule for the coming day, and realized I didn’t have to be in the office until late in the day.  “Yes!  A perfect morning for sleeping in!!!  My wife will head to school for the day with our son, leaving me to enjoy the peaceful slumber of an empty house.  Beautiful!” Thus spoke the old familiar voice of Comfort.  And then another voice spoke within me.  A voice more removed, and yet, somehow more intimate.  “You don’t need more sleep.  Your son does need more time with you, though.  And, haven’t you been seeking to cultivate a life of greater discipline?”

Okay, Lord, you guide my steps.  And, so I said, “Hey son.  How about if I drive you to school tomorrow?  Would that be cool?”  So this morning, I got up “early,” led my son through his morning tasks, and drove him to school.  And not that there is always an immediate, tangible reward for following the voice of God rather than the voice of Comfort, but today there was.  As we sat in the car line, waiting for his teacher to bring him to his classroom, we discovered he had his first loose tooth.  It was a wonderful moment of growth and mystery and creation and relationship.  A moment I would have missed if my lazy bum had been lying in bed, slumbering to the soothing melodies of Comfort.