Jan 27 2010
Tag Archive 'personal responsibility'
Jan 26 2010
Tug-of-War
Tug-of-war can be a really fun way to get exercise, build teamwork, and enjoy a spirited competition. Then again, it can also be a great way to get pulled into a big mud puddle!
Emotional tug-of-war can be a frustrating, draining exercise that diverts our energy from positive pursuits and relationship-building activity into a muddy pit of wasted life. Does this sound familiar? Have you experienced the discouragement of pouring seemingly endless energy into a relationship, with the underlying goal of “having it your way,” only to feel the ongoing pull on the emotional rope of the other person who is equally invested in “having it his/her way?” There are definitely better ways to get a strenuous workout!
Folks, as I always strive to do in my sharing with you, I’m going to level with you about my own struggles in this fruitless playing of emotional tug-of-war. Despite my sincere desire and efforts to grow spiritually, emotionally, relationally (they are really simply different strands of the same rope, by the way), I still slip back into playing this game. It is exhausting and a ridiculous waste of my time, focus, and energy. And yet, there I go – picking up the rope and straining and pulling and sweating and cursing for all I’m worth! YUCK!
The weariness and emotional drain isn’t even the most painful part of the process. The real pain comes in realizing that however justified and “Right” I may feel in my position in this particular round of emotional tug-of-war, what is actually driving me to hold that rope and pull with all my might is PRIDE. Plain old sinful egotistical pride! I think my way is right, and I won’t let go until you agree. Take that! And so I voluntarily tie my self to an individual (or organization or entity) that I believe, at least at the present moment, to be misguided and wrong. And then I wonder why my blood pressure goes up and I feel agitated and tired. Wait a minute – haven’t I been pursuing FREEDOM in my life?!! Don’t I still want to live in freedom as I journey along the road of life? Don’t I still believe I cannot truly offer gifts of freedom to others if I do not live in freedom in my own life? What to do?…
DROP THE ROPE!!!
(Next post – Dropping the Rope)
Jan 18 2010
Biggest Loser?
Some of you may consider me a big loser for posing with my friend Pooh Bear, here. That’s cool. Others may consider me a big loser for plenty of other reasons.
The reason I am posting this today is because I am very excited about participating in the Biggest Loser 2010: C-K Office Park edition. Several years ago, I decided it was time to lose weight and get fit. I did just that, losing 60 lbs in about 6 months. I kept it off for quite some time, but slowly put almost all of it back on as I slowly lost the discipline to be guided by my goals and values over my impulses and urges.
So, I’ve been THINKING a lot for a while about losing weight and getting fit again, but DOING very little about it. It seems I needed something a bit out of the ordinary to help me find that catalyst to get going. Well, I found my needed catalyst. First was a realization that my unhealthy diet and lifestyle habits are setting the pace for my son, and I am not okay with that. Second was an invitation from a friend at my office park to pay in $10 and join the Biggest Loser pool for the next three months. Whoever takes off the highest percentage of body weight takes home the $100 purse. I’m in!
While my blog is not going to become a weight loss / fitness forum, I do plan to share with you my progress, lessons learned, struggles, and challenges faced over the coming weeks and months. I thought including this recent “before” picture on my site would be a fun, if painful, incentive for me to really get serious and bring down my weight from my 6′1″ official starting weight of 227. Maybe I won’t have to find such a rotund photo partner to feel good in my forthcoming “after” shot!
With Hope and Contentment in HIM,
Dr. B
Oct 27 2009
False Evidence Appearing Real
Well, for many folks, this is the season of FEAR. Yes, it’s time to don the hockey masks, vampire capes, fake blood, and gruesome prosthetics and go scare up some candy. Or, for the real daredevil – go out and bob for apples in a vat of Swine Flu slobbered water. Mmm, mmm, good!
Fear may be good for those in the Halloween business, but it isn’t good for parenting.
So this year, as your kids head out for their fright night festivities, see if you can muster up the nerve to parent them out of faith, rather than fear. Sure, you need to prepare kids young and old for the important decision points that could likely arise and pose danger or trouble of various kinds. And if your kids have recently broken the rules, made foolish choices, or in other ways broken your trust and shown themselves to be irresponsible, the right thing for you to do may be to “ground them” from Halloween activities this weekend. But holding them back in fearful parenting will not serve them well. Instead, lead with the kind of faith that shows a confidence in your authority as well as in their ability to do the right thing. So, whether you will be sending out your 16 year old for the evening with a prayer for her/his safety and wisdom or sending your 6 year old around the block or church parking lot right in front of you, send them out with the confident expectation and preparation do the right thing, use good judgment, and have a blast.
And save some Reese’s cups for my son. His Dad He really loves those things!
Parenting by Faith,
Dr Butner
Oct 13 2009
Finding a New Rhythm
I haven’t been posting with the same regularity and rhythm of late. The primary reason is that my energy, beyond my ongoing counseling practice with my clients, has been largely devoted to my new role as an adjunct faculty member of the Counseling Department at Liberty University Online. This week is mid-term week in my first eight-week course, Integration of Psychology, Theology, and Spirituality. In two weeks I will add a second course to my instruction load, Counseling Adolescents. So far, the experience has been exciting, challenging, and deeply fulfilling to the teacher/mentor in me that has probably been more dormant within me than he would like. While I am finding the discipline and system of how to effectively handle one course, and I trust God will give me the grace to do the same with two concurrent courses, I am prayerfully examining my self, my motivations, my time, my priorities, and my attitudes to ensure I live with healthy balance in light of these new, additional responsibilities. I would be grateful for your prayers in this regard.
And here are the rich words of wisdom I heard from God this morning, as I paused to seek fresh life from Him in the book of Proverbs (NCV):
“The wise say very little, and those with understanding stay calm.” (17:27)
“What you say can mean life or death. Those who speak with care will be rewarded.” (18:21)
“People’s own foolishness ruins their lives, but in their minds they blame the LORD.” (19:3)
“Being kind to the poor is like lending to the LORD; he will reward you for what you have done. (19:17)
“Correct your children while there is still hope; do not let them destroy themselves.” (19:18)
With Hope, Life, and Strength in Him,
Roger
Sep 23 2009
Help with the Homework Battle
Here is a link to WAFB’s video archive of my latest Parenting 101 interview, where I simultaneously share some practical wisdom about how to put the responsibility for homework back in your child’s court and drive the sound-guy crazy with my drumming on the table. Ah, life is fun! By the way, one of the graphics they showed on-screen had a significant typo. Here are the key points I brought to the interview:
- Homework is the student’s responsibility, NOT the parent’s!
- Parents CANNOT control kids’ choices (about homework or anything else).
- Parents CAN control consequences.
- Keep school performance expectations reasonable.
- Provide reasonable suffering to induce motivation.
- Canceling text messaging is a great motivator for teens!
Enjoy, be at peace, and be blessed.
Sep 09 2009
Duped!
I am increasingly realizing that I have been terribly duped for much of my life. My flesh has conspired with the American culture of hedonism to raise me on a steady diet of the consideration, “What do I feel like doing?” Some regular variations include, “What would make me more comfortable?” “What would make me happy?” and “What is easiest?” Let’s face it, a great deal of the advertising that bombards us on a daily basis is built on these kinds of questions.
And it usually starts very early. As a parent, I have a tremendous responsibility to train my child in the reality that being led by these flesh-directed considerations will not bring him to fulfillment, joy, and freedom. No small task, when the millions of mighty voices of our worldly culture are chanting in unison, “Have it your way!”
I am sick of being duped by this insidious lie that my flesh will lead me to contentment. It never has, and it never will. God, have mercy on me. Lord, free me from this self-imposed slavery. Spirit, lead me in the paths of righteousness.
And so – last night I decided to defy this old way of life. I checked my schedule for the coming day, and realized I didn’t have to be in the office until late in the day. “Yes! A perfect morning for sleeping in!!! My wife will head to school for the day with our son, leaving me to enjoy the peaceful slumber of an empty house. Beautiful!” Thus spoke the old familiar voice of Comfort. And then another voice spoke within me. A voice more removed, and yet, somehow more intimate. “You don’t need more sleep. Your son does need more time with you, though. And, haven’t you been seeking to cultivate a life of greater discipline?”
Okay, Lord, you guide my steps. And, so I said, “Hey son. How about if I drive you to school tomorrow? Would that be cool?” So this morning, I got up “early,” led my son through his morning tasks, and drove him to school. And not that there is always an immediate, tangible reward for following the voice of God rather than the voice of Comfort, but today there was. As we sat in the car line, waiting for his teacher to bring him to his classroom, we discovered he had his first loose tooth. It was a wonderful moment of growth and mystery and creation and relationship. A moment I would have missed if my lazy bum had been lying in bed, slumbering to the soothing melodies of Comfort.
Sep 03 2009
Families Stand Together
Thanks to the terrific folks at Sesame Workshop for once again sharing real life encouragement and wisdom in a way that makes good sense to our kids, and to all of us. And thanks to my wonderful step-mother-in-law, Judy Weaver, for sharing this video with me and for doing so much to encourage so many people through the powerful medium of public television.
Aug 31 2009
iPhone parental controls
Thanks to Walt Mueller and CPYU for providing the link to this very helpful parental control application for your teen’s iPhone.
This just in (Sept 15): Safe Eyes Mobile is also available as an excellent protection software for iPhones.
Aug 26 2009
TMSTD
This is a very compelling public service announcement from the UK. Yes, our teens need to see it. But I do, too. I have convinced my self at times that I am competent enough to do a bit of light texting while driving. It’s time to stop. I don’t want to TMSTD.
Text
My
Self
To
Death!
Or anyone else, for that matter.
Dr. Roger D. Butner