HopeForYourFamily

The world class athletes stand on wobbly legs, sweating profusely and wondering when this nightmare drill will end.  Some are doubled over at the goal line, retching, coughing, sputtering, and moaning.  Others have their bodies steeled and upright, but their minds are reeling.  Never in their lives have they experienced this kind of suffering.

Their jerseys declare them to be the 1980 USA hockey team.  Their halfhearted efforts on the ice and boyish comments on the bench have said otherwise tonight.  So here they are, doing line drills on the ice after the Norwegian team, all the fans, and even the rink manager have long since gone home for the night.

“AGAIN!” The whistle blows, and down and back they skate.  “AGAIN!” Another whistle blow.  Another down and back.  “AGAIN!” Down and back. “AGAIN!”  “AGAIN!” Despite the exhaustion of the players’ bodies, the disbelief of the assistant coach, and the protests of the team doctor, Coach Herb Brooks does not relent.  Over and over and over and over, the men skate the agonizing distance from one line to another, back and forth across the punishing ice.  “Back on that line.  Again!” “AGAIN!”  “AGAIN!” When will this madness end?!  Is the coach trying to kill his players?  Has he lost his mind?  Someone make it stop!!!

The rhythm is finally broken by the faltering voice of one of the players, who would eventually become team captain.  “Mike Eruzione…Winthrop, Massachusetts”  “Who do you play for?” “I play for…the United States of America!” “That’s all, gentlemen,” says Coach Brooks in a casual voice, and he turns and walks off the ice.

Do you think these men will EVER forget this lesson?!!

I think not.

Did these men learn their lesson?  Learn to play to their best ability as a team?

Ask the 1980 Soviet team!

Parents, today’s message is for us.  Buckle up.  And watch Disney’s “Miracle” about the 1980 USA hockey team while you’re at it.  It just might help drive home the point.

If we are not willing to allow our children to suffer for foolish choices, laziness, disrespect, and disobedience, then we are not willing to prepare them for life as God has called us to do.  In fact, many times it falls on our shoulders to actually induce the suffering in their lives, in an effort to help them muster the motivation to rise from their waywardness and walk on the right path.

Rewards in life are wonderful, and they can serve as helpful motivators along the way.  But let’s get honest here.  From the cradle to the grave, the life lessons most deeply impressed upon us have most often been etched into our memories by suffering.  When we suffer, we tend to become very motivated and very open to learning a better way.

And so it is with our children, be they 4, 10, 16, or beyond.  Now, I am not telling you that the key to successful parenting is to be cruel and sadistic, reveling in the pain and suffering of your children.  If that is your style, please get in to see me asap, so I can point you on a better way.  What I am telling you is that your children need you to love them enough and be devoted enough to their real, substantial growth of character that you will lovingly use the tool of suffering to guide them toward right living.

Yes, it hurts to see our children suffer.  Especially when they try to manipulate us into believing we are being cruel to them.  But we don’t do them any favors by standing back and watching them take the easier, softer way in life.  Whether they realize it or not, whether they appreciate it or not, whether they temporarily despise us for it or not, they need us to hold them accountable for their actions and see that they suffer enough for their misdeeds to find sufficient motivation to improve their ways and grow.  We must be willing to parent for the long haul, not just for the peace of the moment.

With Hope in Him, Dr. B

“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.”  Proverbs 22:15 (NIV)

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”  Proverbs 14:12 (NIV)

“Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.”  Proverbs 19:18 (NIV)

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”  Romans 5:3-5 (NIV)

Tags: adolescence, character, discipline, leadership, parenting, respect, teaching, teens

Tug-of-war can be a really fun way to get exercise, build teamwork, and enjoy a spirited competition.  Then again, it can also be a great way to get pulled into a big mud puddle!

Emotional tug-of-war can be a frustrating, draining exercise that diverts our energy from positive pursuits and relationship-building activity into a muddy pit of wasted life.  Does this sound familiar?  Have you experienced the discouragement of pouring seemingly endless energy into a relationship, with the underlying goal of “having it your way,” only to feel the ongoing pull on the emotional rope of the other person who is equally invested in “having it his/her way?”  There are definitely better ways to get a strenuous workout!

Folks, as I always strive to do in my sharing with you, I’m going to level with you about my own struggles in this fruitless playing of emotional tug-of-war.  Despite my sincere desire and efforts to grow spiritually, emotionally, relationally (they are really simply different strands of the same rope, by the way), I still slip back into playing this game.  It is exhausting and a ridiculous waste of my time, focus, and energy.  And yet, there I go – picking up the rope and straining and pulling and sweating and cursing for all I’m worth!  YUCK!

The weariness and emotional drain isn’t even the most painful part of the process.  The real pain comes in realizing that however justified and “Right” I may feel in my position in this particular round of emotional tug-of-war, what is actually driving me to hold that rope and pull with all my might is PRIDE.  Plain old sinful egotistical pride!  I think my way is right, and I won’t let go until you agree.  Take that!  And so I voluntarily tie my self to an individual (or organization or entity) that I believe, at least at the present moment, to be misguided and wrong.  And then I wonder why my blood pressure goes up and I feel agitated and tired.  Wait a minute – haven’t I been pursuing FREEDOM in my life?!!  Don’t I still want to live in freedom as I journey along the road of life?  Don’t I still believe I cannot truly offer gifts of freedom to others if I do not live in freedom in my own life?  What to do?…

DROP THE ROPE!!!

(Next post – Dropping the Rope)

Tags: family, friends, hope, leadership, marriage / relationships, parenting, personal responsibility, screamfree, the journey

How do I want to improve my life this year?  How have I let my self (or others) down this year?  What am I really ready to surrender this year?  What part of my life has brought me to a breaking point?  How do I want to make a difference this year?  What does my family need from me this year?

The list could go on and on.  Christmas is over and the New Year approaches.  As waistlines and credit card bills expand, our minds move to that great annual enigma – New Year’s Resolutions.

Well, if you are looking to bring some real transformation to your family this year; if you want to really improve your relationships with your kids; if you know the time has come for you to step up and lead your home in a healthier direction, you may just be amazed at the power you will unleash as you face these three simple questions every evening.  Perhaps you could write them on a card and tape them to your bathroom mirror:

1. Did I give enough healthy touch today? (The presence of ongoing healthy touch is one of the most powerful tools a parent can use to impart value, hope, and direction into the life of a child.  Please invest wisely and lavishly!)

2. Did I listen enough today? (Sure, we want our children to listen to us and respect us.  But please don’t forget – “Kids don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care!”)

3. Did I honor my word today? (Part of this challenge is to be honest with our kids, and not deceitful.  However, the greater challenge may be carrying through on our warnings of correction and discipline.  Empty threats will always steer our kids in the wrong direction – they are not neutral.  Children need parents to consistently enforce their rules to prepare them for life.)

And remember that life can only be lived and changes can only be made ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Tags: adolescence, family, leadership, parenting, respect, teens

(Never even considered putting Shep on this one, although he LOVED watching this thrill ride!)

Parents aren’t always right, but we know more than our children.  We need to lead.

My son is somewhat sensitive to strong stimuli, such as loud noises and packed crowds.  We brought plenty of earplugs to Disney World, and never left the resort without them.  It was important for my wife, my mother-in-law, and me to respect his limitations and listen to his voice when he spoke up for himself.  (This is a huge lesson in itself, but I will move along.)

However, had we been willing to walk away from everything that caused my six year old to flinch, as soon as he started whining and fussing, our Disney experience would have been limited to riding shuttle buses and boats back and forth from our resort to restaurants and shops.  That’s all well and good, but he (along with the rest of the family) would have missed out on some amazing and enjoyable experiences, had we simply acquiesced to his anxieties.

I love my son too much to let him miss out on the thrill of Disney World.  Okay, so the “It’s a Small World” boat ride may not exactly qualify as a thrill, but it is certainly a part of the warm memories shared by countless travelers to Disney World.  So when he began crying, screaming, and wigging out as we got in line for this particular underwhelming adventure, I calmly and resolutely insisted we were going to ride it as a family, and he could feel free to be upset with me if he didn’t enjoy it.  I know my son, and I knew this ride.  I had done it before as a child (over and over and over again, much to the delight of my little sister).  And I knew there was nothing frightening, and that it was not only a very soothing experience (the first time or two), but that it would appeal to his love of other world cultures.  So, what was the outcome of my hard-nosed parenting insistence?

“Dad, I want to ride it again!!!”

(That's my little cropduster in the gold LSU gear!)

Same story on several other rides, culminating in three father-son rides on Goofy’s Barnstormer, the small roller coaster in Toon Town at the Magic Kingdom.  He absolutely loved it.  I absolutely loved riding with my brave six year old.  My wife, mother-in-law, and I thoroughly enjoyed quite a few rides and shows with Shep, and he truly had a magical experience.  All because we led him with our experience and authority.  But we also knew when to release, and not insist.  Sounds like another lesson from Disney World…

And while we’re at it, the following shot never would have happened, either, were it not for the calm, resolute leadership of young Shep’s parents.  Tigger even signed his LSU hat!  GEAUX TIGERS!!!

Tags: leadership, parenting

Just checking in to share how wonderful it was this morning when I was driving my son to school, and he asked to listen to some music.  He wanted to listen to “The Law and the Prophets,” which is what he calls the song on his Steve Green cd of Scripture songs for kids that is based on Matthew 7:12 – a verse well known to many as “The Golden Rule.”  I cannot fully express how delightful it is to this father’s heart to hear his son joyfully singing about a life of showing love to others in the Way of Christ.

Today is a good day!

With Hope in Him (and hope for him),

Roger

Tags: character, compasses, family, hope, leadership, parenting, the journey

Well, for many folks, this is the season of FEAR.  Yes, it’s time to don the hockey masks, vampire capes, fake blood, and gruesome prosthetics and go scare up some candy.  Or, for the real daredevil – go out and bob for apples in a vat of Swine Flu slobbered water.  Mmm, mmm, good!

Fear may be good for those in the Halloween business, but it isn’t good for parenting.

So this year, as your kids head out for their fright night festivities, see if you can muster up the nerve to parent them out of faith, rather than fear.  Sure, you need to prepare kids young and old for the important decision points that could likely arise and pose danger or trouble of various kinds.  And if your kids have recently broken the rules, made foolish choices, or in other ways broken your trust and shown themselves to be irresponsible, the right thing for you to do may be to “ground them” from Halloween activities this weekend.  But holding them back in fearful parenting will not serve them well.  Instead, lead with the kind of faith that shows a confidence in your authority as well as in their ability to do the right thing.  So, whether you will be sending out your 16 year old for the evening with a prayer for her/his safety and wisdom or sending your 6 year old around the block or church parking lot right in front of you, send them out with the confident expectation and preparation do the right thing, use good judgment, and have a blast.

And save some Reese’s cups for my son.  His Dad He really loves those things!

Parenting by Faith,

Dr Butner

Tags: hope, leadership, parenting, personal responsibility, screamfree

Here is a link to WAFB’s video archive of my latest Parenting 101 interview, where I simultaneously share some practical wisdom about how to put the responsibility for homework back in your child’s court and drive the sound-guy crazy with my drumming on the table.  Ah, life is fun!  By the way, one of the graphics they showed on-screen had a significant typo.  Here are the key points I brought to the interview:

- Homework is the student’s responsibility, NOT the parent’s!

- Parents CANNOT control kids’ choices (about homework or anything else).

- Parents CAN control consequences.

- Keep school performance expectations reasonable.

- Provide reasonable suffering to induce motivation.

- Canceling text messaging is a great motivator for teens!

Enjoy, be at peace, and be blessed.

Tags: adolescence, freedom, parenting, personal responsibility, screamfree, teens, texting

If you are looking for an affordable opportunity to learn great parenting insights and skills in an ongoing fellowship of other parents on the growth journey, and you live in the Baton Rouge area, look no further!

Parenting By The Book

Tags: books, coming soon..., community, parenting

I am increasingly realizing that I have been terribly duped for much of my life.  My flesh has conspired with the American culture of hedonism to raise me on a steady diet of the consideration, “What do I feel like doing?”  Some regular variations include, “What would make me more comfortable?” “What would make me happy?” and “What is easiest?”  Let’s face it, a great deal of the advertising that bombards us on a daily basis is built on these kinds of questions.

And it usually starts very early.  As a parent, I have a tremendous responsibility to train my child in the reality that being led by these flesh-directed considerations will not bring him to fulfillment, joy, and freedom.  No small task, when the millions of mighty voices of our worldly culture are chanting in unison, “Have it your way!”

I am sick of being duped by this insidious lie that my flesh will lead me to contentment.  It never has, and it never will.  God, have mercy on me.  Lord, free me from this self-imposed slavery.  Spirit, lead me in the paths of righteousness.

And so – last night I decided to defy this old way of life.  I checked my schedule for the coming day, and realized I didn’t have to be in the office until late in the day.  “Yes!  A perfect morning for sleeping in!!!  My wife will head to school for the day with our son, leaving me to enjoy the peaceful slumber of an empty house.  Beautiful!” Thus spoke the old familiar voice of Comfort.  And then another voice spoke within me.  A voice more removed, and yet, somehow more intimate.  “You don’t need more sleep.  Your son does need more time with you, though.  And, haven’t you been seeking to cultivate a life of greater discipline?”

Okay, Lord, you guide my steps.  And, so I said, “Hey son.  How about if I drive you to school tomorrow?  Would that be cool?”  So this morning, I got up “early,” led my son through his morning tasks, and drove him to school.  And not that there is always an immediate, tangible reward for following the voice of God rather than the voice of Comfort, but today there was.  As we sat in the car line, waiting for his teacher to bring him to his classroom, we discovered he had his first loose tooth.  It was a wonderful moment of growth and mystery and creation and relationship.  A moment I would have missed if my lazy bum had been lying in bed, slumbering to the soothing melodies of Comfort.

Tags: character, compasses, discipline, family, freedom, manhood, parenting, personal responsibility, the journey

No, folks – I’m not peddling porn or anything like that on HopeForYourFamily!  I just wanted you to know I have begun adding pdf documents for free download on my “FREE Downloads” page.  These are primarily handouts/outlines from some of the various seminars and workshops I offer or have offered in the past.  I will likely add a few more in the near future.

I would draw your attention, in particular, to the first one I have listed – “Parenting Seminar Handout.”  This five-page handout represents a range of parenting topics, any or all of which may be included in my parenting seminar for your group.  I can offer a basic 2-hour presentation, which will include parts of this material, plus time for Q & A, up to a full 5-hour seminar or 2-day retreat, which includes all of the material and generous time for more personal interaction.

Please feel free to share this handout with any groups you feel would benefit from what God has given me to share, and call on me any time with any questions you might have regarding my seminar options.  Roger@hopeforyourfamily.com or 225-333-1582

Tags: adolescence, coming soon..., community, hope, marriage / relationships, parenting, teens, the journey