I watched Chariots of Fire tonight as I “ran” on my elliptical machine (I highly recommend this combination, by the way).  I was eager for the running.  I had forgotten how deeply stirring was the faith of Eric Liddell.  Here are the words he shared in a speech after a race in his beloved Scotland…

You came to see a race today…see someone win.  It happened to be me.  But I want you to do more than just watch a race.  I want you to take part in it.  I want to compare faith to running in a race.  It’s hard.  It requires concentration of will, energy of soul.  You experience elation when the winner breaks the tape – especially if you’ve got a bet on it.    But how long does that last?  You go home.  Maybe your dinner’s burned.  Maybe…maybe you haven’t got a job.  So who am I to say, Believe – Have faith, in the face of life’s realities?  I would like to give you something more permanent.  But I can only point the way.  I have no formula for winning the race.  Everyone runs in her own way, or his own way.  And where does the power come from, to see the race to its end?  From within.  Jesus said, “Behold, the Kingdom of God is within you.  If with all your heart, you truly seek me, you shall ever surely find me.”  If you commit yourself to the love of Christ, then THAT is how you run a straight race.

Well said, Brother.  Well said.  More original posts coming soon, but this speech really caught me tonight, so I wanted to share it with you.  I guess it caught me when he said running the race of faith/life is hard.  Yes, it is.  Overcoming the desires of my flesh to take the easier, softer way of sinful self-indulgence is just plain old tough for me.  Maybe it is for you, too.  I want so much to surrender my will so fully to God each day that He totally has His Way with my life.  I truly believe this is the absolute best possible way for me to live, every single day.

At least, my spirit of faith believes this.  My flesh tells me otherwise, goaded on by the venomous lies of the Serpent.  And I stumble in the race.  Or fall behind.  Or take too many water breaks.  Or just want to give it up.  But my spirit within me won’t give up, fueled by the sweet Voice of Truth, The Holy Spirit of God.  God’s Word invites me to run in such a way as to win the prize.  And the prize is SO worth the struggle!  And the sweetest part is, Jesus has already secured it for me.  He paid for it, and has already reserved my place in the winners’ circle.  I just have to keep running the race until I get there to join Him along with the great company of saints who have run before me, are running with me, and will run the race behind me.  So, I’m going to keep on running the race.

There’s room for another in the winners’ circle.  Care to join me?

Watch it in theaters February 25, 2011.

I will never forget the tension and anxiety that permeated my house and family as I crossed the bridge from ignorance to knowledge regarding the fundamentals of sex.  Let me take you on a quick trip back to this poignant memory in my life.

I was in the fifth grade at a private Christian school.  Our school’s approach to sex education was to set aside one afternoon each year for the fifth and sixth grade guys and the fifth and sixth grade girls to meet together with a teacher of their own gender to watch a cartoon about the basic purposes, biology, mechanics, and functions of human sex and to spend time in Q & A / discussion about it.  In order to participate in the video viewing and discussion, students had to get their parents to sign a consent form and return it to the school.  No big deal, right?  Well, depends on your personality and your family dynamics.

I sensed immediately this was something that would be unpleasant at best, and should probably be avoided at all costs.  Somehow I had gotten the clear message that issues of sexuality were taboo in our household.  And I complied with all my might!  I brought that consent form home and silently laid it on the kitchen counter, hoping and praying my parents would sign it and leave it for me to return without having to face the terrifying awkwardness of this unknown conversational territory with them.  Well, my folks signed it an left it there for me without comment or question.  AFTER LEAVING IT SITTING SILENTLY ON THAT KITCHEN COUNTER FOR A WHOLE WEEK!  I think simple breathing was difficult that week.  The only two things that changed the next year were I spent more time in anticipatory worry and my parents signed the paper the first night.

I don’t know for sure how or when I will face this issue with my son.  And I’m sure I won’t get it all right.  But I’m sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that I won’t do it the way my folks did.  Oh yeah, there was also that time in the third or fourth grade when I asked my Dad out in our country backyard why the roosters were always attacking the hens, and he replied, “They’re making love, Son.”  Okay, Dad – check!

My point is not to vilify my parents or rake them over the coals.  My Mom may very well end up reading this post, and I wrestled with whether or not to share it.  I decided to share it with you because I think it typifies the kind of anxiety that so often keeps parents from having The Tough Talks with their kids in a purposeful, effective, and helpful manner.  After you finish laughing at me and my family (don’t be too hard on us – we all have our goofy stuff), you may find your self still unsure about how to have The Tough Talks with your own kids.  If so, I won’t laugh at you, but I will offer the following for your consideration and implementation.

• Being uncomfortable talking to your kids about sex, alcohol, drugs, morals, divorce, etc is perfectly okay.  As long as you are willing to take a breath, say a prayer, and have the Tough Talks anyway.  Be a Nike parent.  JUST DO IT!
• Remember how much is at stake for your child.  Consider their chances of successfully navigating these waters without an experienced someone courageously showing them the way.  Consider where they may get their direction, if not from you.  Keep it in perspective.
• Practice saying the really hard stuff before you actually talk with your child.  Practice saying the really important stuff before you actually talk with your child.  Practice it with your spouse.  Practice it with a friend.  The more you practice saying the really hard/important stuff, the more you can get comfortable with the words and the greater your chances of getting them out at least halfway right with your kids.  Practice makes possible.
• Prep your child for The Tough Talk by having her/him read an assigned book, article, or manual before the conversation.  Equip your child for The Tough Talk. (By the way, my parents did get me a copy of “Preparing for Adolescents” by James Dobson at some point in there.)
• Prep your self, and maybe your child as well, with a movie that leads into the topic or inspires you to step up and lead courageously.  Movies and TV shows can provide some rich life-material ripe for thoughtful and meaningful conversation, if you will take the time to notice it, select it, and seize the moment.  Use entertainment media to your advantage.
• Start by discussing the level of discomfort in your self, and invite your child to do the same.  Once you have acknowledged the elephant in the living room, you will be more comfortable to go ahead with the guts of The Tough Talk.  Laugh at your discomfort!
• For crying out loud, don’t try to do this all alone or reinvent the wheel!  Ask your friends or trusted family members how they crossed this particular bridge (or similar ones).  Whether the stories you hear supply you with How-To or How-Not-To, you will be better equipped and less anxious when you step out on that bridge to lead your child across previously uncharted waters.  Ask friends for their stories.

I sincerely hope this is helpful in your quest to courageously, lovingly, and effectively lead your child through the challenging waters of life as you share The Tough Talks together.  I will be posting follow-up articles with specific tips for specific topics in the coming weeks and months, as I continue presenting my series of Having The Tough Talks on my Parenting 101 interview segment on WAFB at 6:15ish am the last Tuesday of the month.

From Dr. Butner to you, I’m wishing you and your loved ones a very Merry Christmas (or a Happy Festivus – take your pick)!

Here is the link to my Parenting 101 interview with Matt Williams regarding leading your kids toward character goals this year.

For the first installment in the series on parenting your kids toward character development, let’s begin with a virtue which has been in short supply for some time now in American culture.  Ironically, the ongoing economic recession should provide the perfect context in which parents can lead our kids in cultivating this critical life skill.

Centuries ago, a man of seasoned wisdom and character penned the following words to a young man he was privileged to mentor:

“But godliness with contentment is great gain.  For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.”  (1 Timothy 5:6-7)

Well said, Paul!

We Americans live in a time and place where one of the most commonly used indicators to assess the well-being of our nation is how much stuff we are buying.  “Buy more stuff!  Boost the economy.  Keep our nation strong.  Besides, more is always better.  I mean, you aren’t really content with that old stuff you’ve already got, are you?  You need more.  You need new and improved.  Consume.  Covet.  Contentment will never get you ahead, and it sure won’t help our recession!  Happiness waits at the Stuff-Mart.  All you really need is lots more stuff.”

Thanks to the gang at VeggieTales for those last two lines from a fantastic video entitled, “Madame Blueberry.” For those with children between about 5 and 9, this will be a fun and very on-target way to help your children cultivate the character of contentment.  While you’re at it, you might as well throw “King George and the Ducky” into the mix.  While these two videos were intentionally created to illustrate the importance of contentment to youngsters, there are plenty of other entertainment choices that can be utilized in your character-building arsenal.

So many of the popular video/computer/online games involve a continual pursuit of accumulating more stuff – be it points or powers or coins or whatever.  What a great opportunity to ask your kids how they will know when they have enough and what it feels like to continually believe they do not yet have enough!  You may be amazed at the conversations this opens up with your teenager.  Give it a shot.  Keep at it.  In fact, working hard with your teen or pre-teen now on cultivating the discipline of deep contentment can actually go a long way toward keeping them from such pitfalls as pornography, addiction, and crime.

And, despite the ages of your kids, entertainment selections need not be all about the virtue of contentment (or whichever virtue is your goal) to prove useful as a tool of engagement and growth.  Pay attention to the movies and shows they are watching.  Okay, important side note.  I really hope you are paying attention to the movies and shows they are watching, already, because these selections are molding your children.  Now, as I was saying – look for scenes, situations, or characters in the story that demonstrate the significance of living with contentment.  Keep in mind, the virtue can be just as powerfully illustrated by showing its presence or its absence in a given situation or individual or group.

Books offer another excellent opportunity for developing character.  Take some time to look around at a bookstore or online.  Be intentional.  Buy a couple of books that specifically illustrate the power of contentment at an age-appropriate level.  Challenge older kids to write a book report.

You may want to begin setting the stage for Christmas early this year, by beginning to talk with your kids about working together to find someone else whose lives you want to bless with gifts this year.  Give them a chance to practice a hands-on lesson in contentment, sacrifice, and service – all at the same time.  And if you want to discover ways to develop other such virtues and character goals, keep checking back here for further installments in this series over the next couple of weeks.

Time to sign off.  I think they’re running some great deals on Overstock.com…

I am thinking of this phrase today for two reasons.  Yesterday I went through some of my old childhood memory boxes and threw away a bunch of stuff that I good find no compelling reason to keep any longer.  In the process, I found the remnants of that old t-shirt, which I had cut out and framed once the shirt became so threadbare it was too tacky for even an old country boy like me to continue wearing.  And this morning as I was preparing to leave for work, my son made it clear how much he wanted me to stay home and spend the day with him.

(Once upon a time…)

At five years old, my son basically thinks I am the greatest guy on the planet and would love to spend most of his waking hours with me.  I recognize this will likely not always be the case.  Carpe Diem, Dad!

Do I need to spend all my time with my son, or even thinking about my son?  No.  I am the best father to him when I keep my life in the right balance, giving my best to the various areas of responsibility and opportunity in my life.

Do I need to be reminded now and then about how fleeting life is, and that I need to make the most of this time in my son’s life?  Absolutely!  The investments I make in him today will pay such huge dividends for him when he hits his teenage years, when he reaches adulthood, when he embarks on the journey of marriage, has children of his own, faces career challenges, deals with crises of faith, etc.

And so I find myself feeling both extremely grateful and sobered at the realization that my son longs for whatever I have to offer him.  God, help me offer him something of great value on each today you give me to share with him.

What have been some of the best ways you have found to invest in your children along the journey?

Click here to view the embedded video.

At thirty five years of age, I am still coming to appreciate the rich and profound wisdom of this simple saying.  The truth is, what will be… will be.  While this truth may seem so obvious as to be worth no further consideration or discussion, here is why I am coming to value its wisdom as so important in my life:

I can really invest emotional time and energy on thoughts of what may happen.  Unrealized dramas that are sure to unfold.  Terrible injustices that I just know are set to take place.  Heights of glory that I will certainly attain.  And so forth and so on.

I don’t know about you, but when I spend considerable time and energy on what has yet to happen, it leaves me with less available focus and energy to engage well in the moment that is actually before me now.  As my old friend Master Oogway says, “Yesterday is history.  Tomorrow is a mystery.  But today is a gift.  That is why it is called the present.”  Man, would I love to hear him sing “Que Sera, Sera!”

May you (mind, body, and spirit) live well in the present as you grow to trust that what will be, will be – and that God will richly supply you with everything you need to respond well to whatever will be.

Where The Wild Things Are, coming at you live this fall!

WAY COOL!!!

MySpace!  Just kidding.  And I’m not talking about drugs, school violence, teen sexual behavior, self-injury, domestic violence, divorce, fatherlessness, or golden parachutes, either, although these are all awful.  (How did that last one get in there?)

The epidemic is that many parents have lost their nerve.  They no longer believe they are the authority in the home.  They no longer lead with an underlying knowledge that their children/teens must live with a healthy “fear” of them, not the other way around.  These parents (which are increasingly becoming the American norm) don’t believe they have what it takes.  They are frustrated, scared, resentful, confused, or sometimes just outright hopeless.  And they are desperately looking to the overwhelming landscape of “parenting experts” for help.  Authors, therapists, talk show hosts, anyone who seems to have the secret – just someone who can help turn the ship around.

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Day after day and week after week these parents come to my office seeking the right communication tools, or the correct disciplinary techniques, or just someone who can “fix” their unruly adolescent.  I believe effective communication is essential to healthy parenting and family life.  Strong, clear, consistent discipline is critical.  Understanding their kids without being freaked out by them or their passions is a must.  But many of these parents need to make a more fundamental shift before any of these tools will make much real difference for them.

They need to believe in themselves.  They need to believe they have what it takes to lead with authority, courage, and conviction.  They need to believe they are the authority, simply because they are the parents and God made it that way.  They need to quit waiting on respect or obedience from their kids, because it’s going to be a long and miserable wait, until they decide to start leading with authority.

I love the movie “The Matrix,” which was a brilliant sci-fi allegory of faith.  Check it out for yourself, it’s great!  In an early scene, Morpheus (the prophet figure) is training Neo (the savior figure), while the rest of their crew are excitedly watching.  They are fighting within a computer generated world where the laws of physics don’t exactly apply, as long as you believe you can defy these laws.  It is all very new and overwhelming for Neo, who is just struggling not to take a beating.  Morpheus insistently tells him he is faster than this, and then makes this profound statement…

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“Don’t think you are.  Know you are!”

This proves to be a critical turning point in Neo’s journey to realizing his full powerful created purpose.  Parents, don’t wish you are the strong, healthy authority in your home.  Don’t hope you are.  Don’t even just think you are…

KNOW YOU ARE!!!