HopeForYourFamily

From Dr. Butner to you, I’m wishing you and your loved ones a very Merry Christmas (or a Happy Festivus – take your pick)!

Tags: hope, movies, the journey

Here is the link to my Parenting 101 interview with Matt Williams regarding leading your kids toward character goals this year.

Tags: character, coming soon..., media, movies, parenting

For the first installment in the series on parenting your kids toward character development, let’s begin with a virtue which has been in short supply for some time now in American culture.  Ironically, the ongoing economic recession should provide the perfect context in which parents can lead our kids in cultivating this critical life skill.

Centuries ago, a man of seasoned wisdom and character penned the following words to a young man he was privileged to mentor:

“But godliness with contentment is great gain.  For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.”  (1 Timothy 5:6-7)

Well said, Paul!

We Americans live in a time and place where one of the most commonly used indicators to assess the well-being of our nation is how much stuff we are buying.  “Buy more stuff!  Boost the economy.  Keep our nation strong.  Besides, more is always better.  I mean, you aren’t really content with that old stuff you’ve already got, are you?  You need more.  You need new and improved.  Consume.  Covet.  Contentment will never get you ahead, and it sure won’t help our recession!  Happiness waits at the Stuff-Mart.  All you really need is lots more stuff.”

Thanks to the gang at VeggieTales for those last two lines from a fantastic video entitled, “Madame Blueberry.” For those with children between about 5 and 9, this will be a fun and very on-target way to help your children cultivate the character of contentment.  While you’re at it, you might as well throw “King George and the Ducky” into the mix.  While these two videos were intentionally created to illustrate the importance of contentment to youngsters, there are plenty of other entertainment choices that can be utilized in your character-building arsenal.

So many of the popular video/computer/online games involve a continual pursuit of accumulating more stuff – be it points or powers or coins or whatever.  What a great opportunity to ask your kids how they will know when they have enough and what it feels like to continually believe they do not yet have enough!  You may be amazed at the conversations this opens up with your teenager.  Give it a shot.  Keep at it.  In fact, working hard with your teen or pre-teen now on cultivating the discipline of deep contentment can actually go a long way toward keeping them from such pitfalls as pornography, addiction, and crime.

And, despite the ages of your kids, entertainment selections need not be all about the virtue of contentment (or whichever virtue is your goal) to prove useful as a tool of engagement and growth.  Pay attention to the movies and shows they are watching.  Okay, important side note.  I really hope you are paying attention to the movies and shows they are watching, already, because these selections are molding your children.  Now, as I was saying – look for scenes, situations, or characters in the story that demonstrate the significance of living with contentment.  Keep in mind, the virtue can be just as powerfully illustrated by showing its presence or its absence in a given situation or individual or group.

Books offer another excellent opportunity for developing character.  Take some time to look around at a bookstore or online.  Be intentional.  Buy a couple of books that specifically illustrate the power of contentment at an age-appropriate level.  Challenge older kids to write a book report.

You may want to begin setting the stage for Christmas early this year, by beginning to talk with your kids about working together to find someone else whose lives you want to bless with gifts this year.  Give them a chance to practice a hands-on lesson in contentment, sacrifice, and service – all at the same time.  And if you want to discover ways to develop other such virtues and character goals, keep checking back here for further installments in this series over the next couple of weeks.

Time to sign off.  I think they’re running some great deals on Overstock.com…

Tags: books, character, culture, movies, parenting

I became a fan of the Latin phrase for “Seize the Day” after becoming a huge fan of the movie, Dead Poets Society, when I was in high school.  In fact, on my first date with the stunning gal who would eventually become my wife, I wore a t-shirt that proclaimed “Carpe Diem.”  (Thank God she didn’t have good fashion sense at the top of her list of qualities in a prospective husband!)

I am thinking of this phrase today for two reasons.  Yesterday I went through some of my old childhood memory boxes and threw away a bunch of stuff that I good find no compelling reason to keep any longer.  In the process, I found the remnants of that old t-shirt, which I had cut out and framed once the shirt became so threadbare it was too tacky for even an old country boy like me to continue wearing.  And this morning as I was preparing to leave for work, my son made it clear how much he wanted me to stay home and spend the day with him.

(Once upon a time…)

At five years old, my son basically thinks I am the greatest guy on the planet and would love to spend most of his waking hours with me.  I recognize this will likely not always be the case.  Carpe Diem, Dad!

Do I need to spend all my time with my son, or even thinking about my son?  No.  I am the best father to him when I keep my life in the right balance, giving my best to the various areas of responsibility and opportunity in my life.

Do I need to be reminded now and then about how fleeting life is, and that I need to make the most of this time in my son’s life?  Absolutely!  The investments I make in him today will pay such huge dividends for him when he hits his teenage years, when he reaches adulthood, when he embarks on the journey of marriage, has children of his own, faces career challenges, deals with crises of faith, etc.

And so I find myself feeling both extremely grateful and sobered at the realization that my son longs for whatever I have to offer him.  God, help me offer him something of great value on each today you give me to share with him.

What have been some of the best ways you have found to invest in your children along the journey?

Tags: movies, parenting

I can remember my mother singing “Que Sera, Sera” to me when I was a little boy, and it has always been a positive memory for me.  Not until I was in Spanish class my senior year in high school did it occur to me that “Que sera, sera”  literally means “What will be, will be,” even though those were the repetitive lyrics.  Sometimes we just don’t connect the obvious dots in life.

At thirty five years of age, I am still coming to appreciate the rich and profound wisdom of this simple saying.  The truth is, what will be… will be.  While this truth may seem so obvious as to be worth no further consideration or discussion, here is why I am coming to value its wisdom as so important in my life:

I can really invest emotional time and energy on thoughts of what may happen.  Unrealized dramas that are sure to unfold.  Terrible injustices that I just know are set to take place.  Heights of glory that I will certainly attain.  And so forth and so on.

I don’t know about you, but when I spend considerable time and energy on what has yet to happen, it leaves me with less available focus and energy to engage well in the moment that is actually before me now.  As my old friend Master Oogway says, “Yesterday is history.  Tomorrow is a mystery.  But today is a gift.  That is why it is called the present.”  Man, would I love to hear him sing “Que Sera, Sera!”

May you (mind, body, and spirit) live well in the present as you grow to trust that what will be, will be – and that God will richly supply you with everything you need to respond well to whatever will be.

Tags: family, freedom, movies, oogway, the journey

CHECK THIS OUT!

Where The Wild Things Are, coming at you live this fall!

WAY COOL!!!

Tags: books, media, movies

There is an insidious epidemic ravaging the families of America today.  It is corrupting our young people, frustrating parents, and leading to terrible consequences.  That epidemic…

MySpace!  Just kidding.  And I’m not talking about drugs, school violence, teen sexual behavior, self-injury, domestic violence, divorce, fatherlessness, or golden parachutes, either, although these are all awful.  (How did that last one get in there?)

The epidemic is that many parents have lost their nerve.  They no longer believe they are the authority in the home.  They no longer lead with an underlying knowledge that their children/teens must live with a healthy “fear” of them, not the other way around.  These parents (which are increasingly becoming the American norm) don’t believe they have what it takes.  They are frustrated, scared, resentful, confused, or sometimes just outright hopeless.  And they are desperately looking to the overwhelming landscape of “parenting experts” for help.  Authors, therapists, talk show hosts, anyone who seems to have the secret – just someone who can help turn the ship around.

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Day after day and week after week these parents come to my office seeking the right communication tools, or the correct disciplinary techniques, or just someone who can “fix” their unruly adolescent.  I believe effective communication is essential to healthy parenting and family life.  Strong, clear, consistent discipline is critical.  Understanding their kids without being freaked out by them or their passions is a must.  But many of these parents need to make a more fundamental shift before any of these tools will make much real difference for them.

They need to believe in themselves.  They need to believe they have what it takes to lead with authority, courage, and conviction.  They need to believe they are the authority, simply because they are the parents and God made it that way.  They need to quit waiting on respect or obedience from their kids, because it’s going to be a long and miserable wait, until they decide to start leading with authority.

I love the movie “The Matrix,” which was a brilliant sci-fi allegory of faith.  Check it out for yourself, it’s great!  In an early scene, Morpheus (the prophet figure) is training Neo (the savior figure), while the rest of their crew are excitedly watching.  They are fighting within a computer generated world where the laws of physics don’t exactly apply, as long as you believe you can defy these laws.  It is all very new and overwhelming for Neo, who is just struggling not to take a beating.  Morpheus insistently tells him he is faster than this, and then makes this profound statement…

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“Don’t think you are.  Know you are!”

This proves to be a critical turning point in Neo’s journey to realizing his full powerful created purpose.  Parents, don’t wish you are the strong, healthy authority in your home.  Don’t hope you are.  Don’t even just think you are…

KNOW YOU ARE!!!

Tags: leadership, movies, parenting, respect

Today I will be speaking to a gathering of parents at a youth rally in Livingston, LA.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to encourage, challenge, and equip these parents!  Working with teens and their parents has become one of my great passions in life, and every opportunity is a genuine blessing.  (Even when I am doing so with worsening bronchitis!)

Here are the key points from my presentation today:

1. YOUR TEEN REALLY DOES WANT TO LIVE WELL. (Despite whatever evidence you have seen that seems to indicate otherwise.)

2. God chose YOU to be the parent of this teen.  This means YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO LEAD YOUR TEEN WELL.

Five Key Parenting Lessons from the Father of the Prodigal:

1. He modeled healthy living to his son over the years.

2. He respected his son’s need to make his own choices.

3. He never gave up hope, even when his son willfully set off down the wrong path.

4. He did not run after his son.  He ran to meet him.

5. He didn’t beat up his son for being foolish.  He allowed him to pay the price for his foolishness, and eagerly showed him how to recover his life once he was broken and humbled by his consequences.

Are you parenting by faith? Or by fear?

Are you a proactive parent? Or a reactive parent?

As a parent, are you timid? Overbearing? Confident?

Tune In Before You Turn It Off:

- Practice “Judo Parenting” (Thanks to ScreamFree’s Hal Runkel for this concept.)  Don’t fight against your kids, risking alienation and damaged relationship.  Instead, connect with them where they are, applying guidance through that connection to lead them to the healthiest place you can.

- That Loud Noise Coming from the IPod May Be a Cry for Help!  Be very careful about simply dismissing vile movies, music, etc.  If they really relate to it, you are essentially dismissing them in the process.  Instead, find out how they connect with it, and how it touches them.  If you can display calm and loving acceptance of them and their interests in the midst of unpleasant music, obnoxious games, weird YouTube videos, or disturbing movies, you’ll be amazed how much your kids will tell you.

- Don’t Expect Them to Turn It Off Until They Understand Why.  Your job is not to protect them from the evils of worldly media (which are legion).  Sure, you can make them turn it off while you are around, but they will just turn it back on and get better at keeping it from you.  Your job is to empower them with the right tools of insight and spiritual health so they can make wise, tough choices without your direct protection.  Equip them through sharing your source of spiritual strength – God’s Word, living it as a model for them to see, and nurturing their engagement in regular spiritual disciplines.

- Regularly Invite Your Teens to Share Their Favorite Media with You.  Offer times with your kids where they select the music, movies, games, etc, with a promise from you that they won’t be criticized or punished for their choices (although you should reserve the right to set some standards as to what is off-limits for them).  The only requirement is they must tell you: 1. why they like it, 2. what it means to them, and 3. what they believe are the moral or life implications.  After they have shared with you, engage them in their thoughts, particularly regarding number 3, offering your own perspectives and direct Biblical guidance.  Work together to find a passage or two of Scripture that relates to their media choice.

Tags: adolescence, hope, media, movies, parenting, respect, screamfree, teens

Just a quick post today to share with you several related things that have crossed my path recently.

As I write this, I have not yet seen the film, “Slum Dog Millionaire.” However, I intend to remedy that ASAP.  Numerous people in whom I have high respect have told me this is a must-see film, especially for Christians in the comfort zone of middle/upper class America.  As soon as I watch the movie, I will share my review with you here.

A teenage client shared this song (“Stand Up” by the Flobots) with me the other day.  A bit of rough language, but a challenging confrontation to the Western Christian affluent comfort zone.

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My friend, Blaine (who regretably has stopped posting to his once-provocative blog) very enthusiastically shared the message of “Irresistible Revolution” by Shane Claiborne with me, and how he has been sharing this message with the kids in his youth group.  I look forward to reading it.

A blog/Facebook friend shared this gem with me about a guy in Venezuela who has been using music to transform the lives of the kids there.

Tags: books, culture, hope, movies

I’m going to take a big risk here, because my next statement may alienate many of you.  I really loved the movie, “Napoleon Dynamite!”  There, I said it.  Now that you know this warped truth about me, you will have to decide whether or not to stay connected with my website.  Anyway, there is a scene where Napoleon talks about having skills, such as being pretty good with a bo-staff.  In fact, another movie, “Six Days, Seven Nights” (which in my opinion was much lamer than Napoleon Dynamite) has some interesting dialogue about whether or not Harrison Ford is one of those men who have Skills.

We men seem to put a lot of stock in having Skills of various kinds – competencies in different things that seem to reflect authentic masculinity.  Sometimes we take this way too far, and get caught up in what John Eldredge refers to as “posing,” or a different response of just plain old hiding.  Both of these reactions are natural when we equate our masculinity with our level of Skills.  Let me be clear…our value as men is not measured by how much Guy Stuff we know or can do.  Character is a FAR greater factor in the equation of masculinty.

However, there is still something about having Skills that helps us walk a little taller as men.  And today, I find myself walking a little taller.  My wife recently bought this really cool thing for our son that is like a cross between a rope swing and a pogo stick.  He had played on one at a friend’s house, and absolutely loved it.  So she suggested we get one for him, and I agreed it was a great idea.  I scoped out the perfect place to hang it in our backyard.  There is a fairly high, sturdy limb in our live oak that forked at a place that would provide the perfect distance for the swing from both the trunk and from the swingset/climber in the yard.  I pulled the pogo swing out of the box, and had it assembled and all stickered up in about half an hour.  So far, so good.  All systems go.

Then it occurred to me.  I’m going to have to tie this to that branch somehow.  It is really important that this crazy bouncing swing be secured very well.  And my knot-tying skills basically consist of the one basic around-through-pull knot that a six year old girl could tie.  This is trouble!  I suddenly became very aware of a deficit in this particular Man Skills department.  Oh, if only my buddy Dave, the Eagle Scout / Scout Master were here.  Or his teenage Eagle Scout son, for that matter.  Then came the follow-up thought.  I do have that copy of “The Dangerous Book for Boys” that I haven’t really shared yet with my five year old son.  I think this would be a good time to pull it off the shelf.

So, with the help of my pickup truck, a six foot wooden ladder, my wife holding the ladder, and a brick tied to the end of the additional rope, my son watched me secure the extra rope to the branch with a well tied bowline knot and tie the swing rope to that rope with a firm sheet bend knot.  Now, I’m not saying I’ve eared a Scout badge in knots yet, or anything.  But I really do feel more competent and less intimidated by this once mysterious Skill.  And my son is having a blast!

My encouragement today is this.  If you find yourself lacking in a Skills department that seems important to you as a man, don’t just pretend to be competent, and don’t hide from situations that would expose your lack of Skills.  Do what you’ve got to do to learn and develop a basic grasp of that Skill.  Ask your buddy.  Ask your Dad.  Ask your son.  Consult a good book.  Do a Google search for crying out loud, but do yourself a big favor and learn that Skill by expanding your comfort zone.  You’ll be glad you did.  So for those of you who have always felt less than, because you can’t drive a standard transmission…

A bit more Dangerous,

Roger

Tags: family, manhood, movies