HopeForYourFamily

I will be posting more in the next few days, but for now, here is a “Valentine’s Day” resource I can share with strong personal and professional recommendation:

Forget candy hearts and sappy cards this Valentine’s Day. Your marriage deserves more than that. Instead, give your relationship a real boost with the gift of:

Sizzle: The ScreamFree Guide to Turning Up the Heat in Your Marriage

You want a vibrant, exciting, and fun-filled relationship with your spouse. But too often, what you end up with is a conflict-ridden grudge match with the one person who is supposed to love you the most. You are not alone.

In this audio download, you’ll laugh out loud right alongside the audience as Hal challenges many of the notions you’ve held about marital advice. You’ll have a blast and learn some simple truths that you can put into practice right away in order to see your spouse and yourself in a whole new light.

Your marriage is worth it. Learn how to make it sizzle.
This hour long recorded seminar will teach you:

• Why every great marriage is a self-centered marriage
• The secrets to turning common conflict into crazy connection
• How to get beyond the most common marital myths that are keeping you stuck

Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to reconnect and recommit to your marriage. Make this year better than ever.

Offer good until February 14th

* This offer is only available online
* No coupon code required

Click here to buy this great marriage resource!

Tags: marriage / relationships, screamfree

Tug-of-war can be a really fun way to get exercise, build teamwork, and enjoy a spirited competition.  Then again, it can also be a great way to get pulled into a big mud puddle!

Emotional tug-of-war can be a frustrating, draining exercise that diverts our energy from positive pursuits and relationship-building activity into a muddy pit of wasted life.  Does this sound familiar?  Have you experienced the discouragement of pouring seemingly endless energy into a relationship, with the underlying goal of “having it your way,” only to feel the ongoing pull on the emotional rope of the other person who is equally invested in “having it his/her way?”  There are definitely better ways to get a strenuous workout!

Folks, as I always strive to do in my sharing with you, I’m going to level with you about my own struggles in this fruitless playing of emotional tug-of-war.  Despite my sincere desire and efforts to grow spiritually, emotionally, relationally (they are really simply different strands of the same rope, by the way), I still slip back into playing this game.  It is exhausting and a ridiculous waste of my time, focus, and energy.  And yet, there I go – picking up the rope and straining and pulling and sweating and cursing for all I’m worth!  YUCK!

The weariness and emotional drain isn’t even the most painful part of the process.  The real pain comes in realizing that however justified and “Right” I may feel in my position in this particular round of emotional tug-of-war, what is actually driving me to hold that rope and pull with all my might is PRIDE.  Plain old sinful egotistical pride!  I think my way is right, and I won’t let go until you agree.  Take that!  And so I voluntarily tie my self to an individual (or organization or entity) that I believe, at least at the present moment, to be misguided and wrong.  And then I wonder why my blood pressure goes up and I feel agitated and tired.  Wait a minute – haven’t I been pursuing FREEDOM in my life?!!  Don’t I still want to live in freedom as I journey along the road of life?  Don’t I still believe I cannot truly offer gifts of freedom to others if I do not live in freedom in my own life?  What to do?…

DROP THE ROPE!!!

(Next post – Dropping the Rope)

Tags: family, friends, hope, leadership, marriage / relationships, parenting, personal responsibility, screamfree, the journey

This just in from a Facebook announcement:

Starting today and continuing through the next two weeks, FamilyLife is offering a Buy One Get One Free rate on the registration for a Weekend to Remember.

If you have been planning to attend the Weekend to Remember, but have been putting it off until the money was there or the time was right, now may be the moment you’ve been waiting for! When you register between January 4-18, 2010, you will receive the best rate FamilyLife has to offer! Buy one registration for $129, receive the second registration free! This rate is good for any upcoming event. But you can only buy one and get one free if you register by January 18!

To find out more about conferences in your area, visit www.familylife.com/weekend. When you register, use promo code: “HOPE” to receive the Buy One Get One Free rate.

Start your year off strong by putting your marriage on the right track!

Tags: coming soon..., marriage / relationships

(Re-posted from 2006)

Well, the Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday season is upon us.  You know what that means? – Dealing with knotheads!  Whether it’s your ex-spouse, your alcoholic mother, your abusive father, your in-laws with no sense of personal boundaries, the guy in front of you on the road driving 10 mph under the speed limit, or the woman in the department store who clearly doesn’t know the answer to your question but is trying to sound convincing anyway…knotheads are in abundance.  We deal with them throughout the year, but they seem to come out of the woodwork this time of year.  This being the case, it seemed appropriate to offer you some practical guidance on successfully dealing with the knotheads in your life.

Let’s begin with a simple definition.  A knothead is anyone who seems determined to frustrate you.  I like to use the word “knothead,” because it has such a nice, descriptive ring to it, without crossing the line into…well, you know the more colorful terms you use for these folks – under your breath or behind their back or when the kids aren’t listening.  Anyway, knotheads appear to have the secret code to get to our buttons and push them to maximum aggravation level.  It is at this point that we begin to see the solution to dealing with the knothead dilemma.

Question: What is the difference between a knothead and a common bonehead?  Your common bonehead does goofy things, but doesn’t get you riled up.  No access to your buttons, you see.  The knothead, on the other hand, has found a way to get you to react with frustration, aggravation, or even outright fury when they pull out the goofy behavior card.  So, again, what is the difference between these two?  The degree to which you give them access to your emotional buttons!  This is great news!  It means you have a great deal of power in this equation.  You have the power to reduce any knothead in rank to a common bonehead, therefore rendering them totally endurable (even for a four hour Thanksgiving feast!).

The power to neutralize even the most raging knothead is within your grasp.  It basically comes down to three simple (if challenging) mental tasks:

1. Staying calm. As the old saying goes, there is great power in keeping your head when all those around you are losing theirs.  When you allow your emotional reactions to spill out in response to others’ goofy behavior, you are giving them greater access to your emotional buttons, and fueling their knotheadism to higher levels.  It may not be easy to stay calm in the face of certain individuals, but I didn’t tell you this would be easy – just that it is do-able.  When you stay calm, you stay in control.  Maybe this will help.  Remind yourself that if you get emotionally reactive because of something your least favorite knothead did or said, it means you have given a KNOTHEAD control of your emotions!  Is that what you really want?!!  Staying calm means keeping YOURSELF in control of your emotions and choices.  (For more insights into the power of calm and the destructive power of emotional reactivity, I highly recommend www.screamfree.com.)
2. Reminding yourself that the knothead/bonehead’s goofy behavior is primarily intended to get something for themself, not wreck your life. I know, there truly are exceptions to this – knotheads who legitimately want to inflict damage upon you.  However, this really is not the case in most situations.  In fact, many times the goofy behavior in question is so irksome to you, not because it was designed to cause you maximum frustration, but because you weren’t even considered.  The vast majority of goofy behavior is the result of selfishness, frustration, lack of vision, and/or lack of maturity.  If you can find a way to help the bonehead in question achieve whatever goals they are truly after, you are likely to help curb their goofy behavior that would otherwise intensify in an ongoing effort to reach their goals.  Remember that their true goal may not be their expressed goal.  You may have to listen and look carefully to understand what it is they are really desiring.  If you are willing to make this effort, you may find that that what they are after is not so different from something you may desire, as well.  If the idea of helping boneheads/knotheads achieve their goals is a really tough pill for you to swallow, consider the words of Jesus, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.  If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.  If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.  Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.  Do to others as you would have them do to you.”
3. Keeping it in perspective. Remember that you really only have to endure this goofiness for X length of time.  If you are frustrated with that knothead in traffic, get some perspective already!  We’re talking moments here – minutes at most.  (Ouch!!!  I’m really nailing myself on this one.)  Giving fifteen extra minutes of your day to that person at church who doesn’t understand personal boundaries isn’t going to kill you.  Even if the knothead you’ve been envisioning throughout this article is the one you will be sharing a living room with for three days over the Christmas holiday – it’s still only three days of your life.  Stay calm.  Try to help them get at least some of what they really want.  And remember that you are leaving in just a few short hours.  Why be miserable, just because there happen to be boneheads in the room?  Keep in mind what a relatively small sacrifice it is to spend this short amount of time with Bonehead, and make the choice to enjoy yourself and your time.  Especially during the holiday season!

I hope this has been a helpful course in Knotheadology 101.  I’ll be working on a 200 level course in the future.  In the meantime, if you would like some guided independent study with me, feel free to email me at Roger@hopeforyourfamily.com or call me at 225-333-1582.  I sincerely hope you will have a knothead-free holiday season and beyond, although many of us simply can’t escape a few boneheads along the way to help us grow and mature.  For more specific tips on how to deal with the ex-spouse variety of knothead, click on the following link to a handout I offered recently at a divorce support group: Healthy Relationship with Ex

Tags: community, family, marriage / relationships, screamfree

No, folks – I’m not peddling porn or anything like that on HopeForYourFamily!  I just wanted you to know I have begun adding pdf documents for free download on my “FREE Downloads” page.  These are primarily handouts/outlines from some of the various seminars and workshops I offer or have offered in the past.  I will likely add a few more in the near future.

I would draw your attention, in particular, to the first one I have listed – “Parenting Seminar Handout.”  This five-page handout represents a range of parenting topics, any or all of which may be included in my parenting seminar for your group.  I can offer a basic 2-hour presentation, which will include parts of this material, plus time for Q & A, up to a full 5-hour seminar or 2-day retreat, which includes all of the material and generous time for more personal interaction.

Please feel free to share this handout with any groups you feel would benefit from what God has given me to share, and call on me any time with any questions you might have regarding my seminar options.  Roger@hopeforyourfamily.com or 225-333-1582

Tags: adolescence, coming soon..., community, hope, marriage / relationships, parenting, teens, the journey

Cute photo op, right?

But that turtle can’t be enjoying himself right about now!  Is there any wonder he is hiding for dear life within the safe confines of his hard shell?  He is in the ravenous jaws of a terrifying monster.  Best thing to do is play it safe and stay hidden until the threat has passed.  Let that big nosey set of teeth and claws wear out and give up, and maybe it will be safe to come out again eventually when the coast is clear.

How about that dog, though?  She looks kinda sad.  All she wants is to play with this fascinating new friend who went into hiding right when it was starting to get fun.  Not trying to hurt anyone here.  Can’t we just get to know each other and play around in the leaves a while?  Why so distant – can’t you see how much fun we could have, especially with all my energy?

Sometimes marriage or other human relationships can feel much like the interaction of this curious canine and terrified turtle.  Whether because of a history of trauma, less than ideal family dynamics, or simply a personality difference, one individual can find himself or herself suddenly threatened and intimidated by the relational advances of the other.  All the “golden retriever” really wants is to invite the “box turtle” out to spend some time playing and getting to know one another.  It certainly means no threat.  All the “box turtle” wants is to feel safe and secure.  It certainly doesn’t intend to be an isolationist.  But what to do?

In my experience, there is one approach that holds the most promise for allowing these two different creatures to connect and enjoy one another.  The “golden retriever” must learn to back away, lower its intensity, and patiently show itself to be a non-threat to the “box turtle.”  If it can back up and sit quietly enough and wait long enough, the “box turtle” will eventually poke its head out of its shell to take a look around.  This is often the biggest test in the relationship.

If the “golden retriever” gives in to its excitement about the “box turtle” finally deciding to come out and play, and bounds over with a bark of joy and playful paw extended – goodbye “box turtle!”  The challenge is for the “golden retriever” to remain calm and interested, letting the “box turtle” watch and explore in its own way and its own pace.  Once the “box turtle” has decided the resting “golden retriever” is safe and poses no threat, it may then feel secure enough to fully extend from its shell and walk over for a closer look.  If the “golden retriever” can patiently interact in a calm, non-demanding, non-threatening manner for long enough, the “box turtle” can eventually gain confidence in this new friend.

And if a hippo and a tortoise can become best friends, a golden retriever and a box turtle ought to be able to have a blast together!  Don’t hesitate to give me a call or send me an email, if you could use some help in your own golden retriever / box turtle relationship.

Tags: marriage / relationships

A friend forwarded this email, and I just had to share it.  I thought it was a good reality check.

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh

your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone
where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,
and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘her night off ‘ and, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing
some women

Tags: culture, marriage / relationships

As I continue on my personal and professional quest for how to have the best possible marriage, I got a great lesson yesterday.  It all started with a phone call…

Well, actually, it started before the phone call, as you will see.  I had just left a meeting with some friends where I had told them I have been in a funky place the last few days, and I know I need to work on my spiritual condition, because I think I had been waiting on God to just suddenly make life easy.  At about 1:30 pm I was gassing up my truck at Sam’s Club when my cell phone rang.  Since it was my wife, I decided to risk blowing up my self and half the parking lot of Sam’s to answer my phone at the gas pump.  (For some reason, I think “They” say you aren’t supposed to do that.)  Chemaine sounded rather frantic as she asked me where I was.  I immediately went through my mental schedule to be sure I wasn’t supposed to be somewhere else.  In the clear, I told her where I was and what I was doing.

Then she told me she had just knocked over the paint mixture in our utility room while trying to open the door of the chest freezer.  We have been painting the cabinets in our kitchen with a heavily thinned white oil-based paint to give them that kinda distressed, white-washed look.  So there is now a paint/mineral spirits mixture splattered all over my wife and the sundry items in the corner of the utility room, and she is clearly in need of some help ASAP.  I didn’t have to be back at the office right away, so I told her I would drive straight home and be there in under 10 minutes.

Then I hung up my phone and started pounding on my truck.  I didn’t actually cuss my wife, because I didn’t want to draw THAT much attention in such public place, but inwardly I was railing on her for being so careless and clumsy.  And then God smacked me in the head. “This could so easily be me in the utility room choking on fumes, trying to clean up my self and the mess around me, and wondering how upset Chemaine will be when she finds out what I have done.  Hmmm… How would I want her to respond if I were the one who had this accident?  WITH GRACE!!!”

So, by the grace of God, I immediately released the frustration and judgment, and was instead filled with the compassionate resolve to come home and bless my wife in her time of need.  And the cleanup actually went amazingly well.  Afterward, I told her about my transformation at the gas pump.  She told me her immediate response when the paint mixture went up and over was to rail on me for putting it so close to the freezer, but that she quickly checked that train of thought with the realization that she could easily have done the same thing.

Where would our marriage be without God’s grace?!!  For cryin’ out loud, where would my LIFE be without God’s amazing grace?!!  Where would our marriage be without our offering grace to one another?  Why is so easy and natural for me to blame my wife, while avoiding taking personal responsibility?  How amazing would our marriage be if our first response was always grace?  How is the grace factor in your marriage?  When has your spouse shown you grace in a way that made the difference for you?

Tags: hope, marriage / relationships, personal responsibility

If you are married, or considering getting married, take a minute to read this terrific post from Trey Morgan.  In his typical style, he offers in just a few words some very wise insight and practical guidance.  Great stuff, Trey!  Thanks for your blog ministry.

Tags: blogging, friends, marriage / relationships

Just a quick word for you, and this word comes straight from The Word.  Whether we are talking about our economic situation, raising children, or career advancement, there is one ingredient that will do us so much good – if we will respond well to it.  But, oh, how we Americans hate it!!!  What is this much hated ingredient for growth?

SUFFERING

“…but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that our suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”  Romans 5:3-5

Tags: culture, hope, leadership, marriage / relationships, parenting