Ever get into a funky place where you seem restless, irritable, and discontent?

Well, I do.  Sometimes for long stretches, I am sad to say.  And I have found that when I get into one of these grouchy seasons, there is one question that lurks at the heart of the murkiness.  It is a terrible question.  A question that drives me, when I let it.  “What is the Matrix?”  No, that’s not it!  Here it is…

“What do I FEEL LIKE DOING right now?”

Sooner or later, living by this question day after day drives me into the ditch.  It is a lame question for any of us to follow, particularly someone with an “addictive personality” like me.  But we all have a sin nature that calls out in various fleshly ways, convincing us that this question is actually a very reasonable approach to life.

It is not.

Far better to guide my actions from day to day with questions such as these…

“What would be good for me to do now?”

“What is God’s will for me today (as best I can tell)?”

“How can I bless someone else?”

And the irony of it is this: When I pursue those things that I feel like doing, I am rarely, if ever contented by them.  But when I am willing to pursue those things that God would have me do to bless others, I find within my self a growing sense of contentment and joy that I am simply not capable of contriving on my own.

Have a great day – bless someone else by doing God’s will!

I have always loved this classic song by the Byrds, inspired by Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about stress, demands, busyness, self-discipline, entertainment, enjoyment of life and family and work and play, and the intersection of these things.  (Yes, there are always lots of wheels turning inside my noggin.  It’s like a funhouse in here – trust me!)  Today I find myself especially considering the role of electronic gadgetry in the midst of this swirling mix.  I got an i-Phone a couple months or so ago, primarily because there is an app for my online scheduling system, and I hoped it would improve my business efficiency.  Well, it has certainly done that.  My scheduling process has never been smoother for me or my clients!  In addition, I have found this little gizmo to be an immensely helpful tool in many ways – from helping me navigate trips to boosting my enjoyment of amateur photography to assisting me in organizing my overall schedule to providing a handy-dandy light to navigate the toy-infested waters of my son’s room for a late night kiss on his cheek before going to bed.  But the impact on my life doesn’t stop there.  Consider also…

Words With Friends and the Facebook app and just how easy it is now to text like a maniac.  With such powerful distractions just a slide and a tap, tap, tap away, it is easy for my attention, my mind, my spirit, and my life to get seriously out of balance.  Not good.  And I’m a 37 year old man with the Holy Spirit, years of walking with Christ and attempting to live in surrender to the Father’s will, and even a doctorate in studying the role of mass media in family life all to assist me in making wise choices.  Imagine the impact on the fourteen year olds!

And this is not to mention the place of the Wii, XBox, Playstation, laptop computer, internet itself, i-Pad, Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, etc.  And I shudder to consider this new technology with its unprecedented implications.

My point is this.  As parents – as adults – we need to live in view of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.  You know, while we’re at it, let’s go ahead and live in view of all of chapter 3, and might as well throw in Romans 12 for good measure!  All very difficult to do when I am giving my best to an electronic idol.  Ouch, did I really just post that on my website?!!  Our kids need us to be sober-minded, well-balanced guides to show them how to live rightly and humbly before God.  How are we doing?

Men of the Baton Rouge area (and beyond), it’s here.  The kickoff of a new season!  Men are suiting up and showing up for battle to show what they are made of, and to take their game to a higher level this year.  That’s right, gentlemen.  It’s that time of year again.  Time for…

MEN’S FRATERNITY!!!

I wish words on a blog could adequately tell you how profoundly my participation in Men’s Fraternity impacted my life over the past three years.  Men, I’m telling you, Men’s Fraternity will change your life!  For now, I will share with you the words of one our pastors, who was also my excellent small group leader the first year I joined this fellowship:

I’m not even sure where I’m going to go with this post, but I have to write about the experience. My family and I are currently making plans for another Disney World trip. Right now, the primary decisions to made involve rooms – which resort and what type of rooms. As my wife and I were discussing the possibilities, and taking input from our seven year old son, he offered an unexpected twist. We wanted to know if he was more interested in the amenities available at one site over another. He was thinking along another line…

“I know!  I can share a room with Dad, and you can stay with Nana and Memaw, Mom!”

“But I want to stay with my husband, you know.”

“Yes, son, I really look forward to staying with my wife on our vacation time.”

“But this way, you girls can chat about girl stuff, and me and Dad can chat about guy stuff.”

“Oh really!  What kind of stuff were you thinking of?”

“You know!  Mom, you and Nana and Memaw can chat about beautiful stuff.  Dad, you and me can chat about destructive stuff.”

The kid is only seven years old and already has the solid gender constructs that femininity is about beauty and relational celebration, and masculinity is about destruction and explosive power! And it’s funny how this has impacted me as I consider it.  I am very pleased to know he has a clear distinction in his mind about masculinity and femininity, and that he obviously identifies with me (a virtual paragon of masculinity).  And on a very immature, flesh level, it feels good to hear him pick me as his favorite parent.  Look – just keepin it real, okay!

But I want him to understand that true masculinity, at its very best, is FAR more than having the power to destroy.  I am reminded of the scene from “The Lion King” where King Mufasa is talking to his young son, Simba, about what it means to be king.  At one point, Simba cries out, “But don’t kings get their way all the time?!”  To which his father replies, “Simba!  There’s more to being king than getting your way all the time!”  “There’s MORE!” exclaims the eager, yet self-centered lad.  Then Mufasa begins to explain to him the “Great Circle of Life.”

I think my son has just opened up a golden opportunity for me to expound upon his understanding of manhood, and help him catch a vision for a much grander identity and purpose.  I need to tell him and show him how a Real Man uses his strength to bless, lead, encourage, fight, equip, defend, build, and ultimately surrender to God’s greater purposes.  As my buddy, Hans, would say – “Time to man up!”

These images represent joy.  They are snapshots of diligence and reward.  But most importantly, they are pictures of faith in action!

Yesterday, I took Shep on a fishing “trip” to the local YMCA catch and release pond, where I hoped to share a couple of hours or so of good father-son bonding.  I suppose my three goals were to: 1. enjoy time with my son, 2. face my fears of inadequacy and clumsiness at outdoorsy stuff, and 3. help my son gain some knowledge and skill in fishing, so he can do more of it and enjoy a good thing that was largely missing from my childhood.  As it turns out, God had a far more important goal for these two fellas: TO GROW OUR FAITH!

My first challenge was walking into the bait and tackle shop.  I felt totally intimidated and out of place; as though I had a neon sign over my head that said, “Look at clumsy idiot who is pretending to be a man, but knows nothing about the ways of the Louisiana Sportsman.”  But, praise God, I received the grace and courage to march right into that testosterone-land with my son, show him around the store while we waited for the clerk to get free, and then ask the Manly Man if they sold live bait.  (I had been told worms were a good choice for where we would be fishing, and I remembered crickets were supposed to be another good choice.)  He didn’t seem to pick up on my fear-scent, and very respectfully sent us to the nearby live bait shack, where I proceeded to buy five bucks worth of crickets and nightcrawlers.  So far, so good.  Thank you, God for helping me grow up some more as a man and lead my son.  Now, time to hit the fishing hole!

We parked the truck close to the pond, grabbed our gear, and found a nice spot on the bank where I thought the bass would enjoy dining on the lunch we were prepared to offer them.  For about the first five minutes, I worked with Shep on his casting skills.  I did a fairly good job of balancing showing, watching, coaching, helping, and remaining silent.  Not an easy balance for me – I don’t know about you.  After that, he spent another five or ten minutes enjoying showing off his new casting skills as we watched in anticipation for that red and white bobber to dive under the water.  Not even one nibble, despite the tantalizing splashing of fish here and there around the pond.  He then decided I could take over the fishing, while he set out to smooth a strip of grass from the top of the hill down to the bank where I stood – rolling and tumbling down over and over like…a seven year old boy.  Then, in about five minutes, came the comment I had been dreading…

“Dad, fishing is BORING!  Let’s go!”

The Holy Spirit then prompted me to suggest we pray for God to send us some fish.  I know.  I know.  Many a fishermen over the centuries has prayed for fish, only to come up empty handed.  Maybe I was asking for trouble.  I just knew I wasn’t ready to give up on our day, I believe turning to God for help in ANY situation is always the right thing to do, and I wanted to use this mundane life experience as another lesson to point him to our Father.  He asked me if God would really do something like that – send fish to us, just because we asked.  I told him that Jesus once told his friends where to catch a whole boatload of fish after they had been up all night with not one fish, so this was definitely something God had done before.  So he joined me in a simple prayer of thanking God for the beautiful day and asking Him to send us some fish.  I was TOTALLY unprepared for what happened next!  (Totally revealing my need to grow in my faith.)

Shep says, just as matter of fact as you please, “Dad, God is telling me we should go over to that dark water by the bridge.  He is telling me that’s where the fish are.”

I almost laughed, but instead said, “Well, son, I think we should listen to God and do what He says.  Lead the way!”  Shep marched along the bank toward the bridge.  “Okay, son, I think this is close enough.”  “No, Dad.  God said the fish are over THERE!” “Okay, son, let’s do it God’s way.”  We finally reached the spot, and I put another cricket on the hook for him.  At this point, I have to tell you, I never even considered the faith-disappointment it would have been for him if we encountered no fish after praying and obeying.  That didn’t matter.

He threw a perfect strike at the shadowy shallow in the lake where God had directed his young eyes and heart.  WHAMMO!!!  Down went the bobber in ten seconds!  “Go!  Go!  Go!  Go!  Go!,” I yelled in encouragement.  And the pictures above are tribute to the incredible gift of God that followed.  We caught over a dozen fish (well, some were repeats, but that’s cool) together, with Shep catching most of them.  And as amazing as the gift of fish was, it was a trifle in comparison to the gift of faith God gave us both.  Especially me.

God, lead me to the childlike faith of my son.  Teach me to not only talk to you about everything in life, but to LISTEN FOR YOUR LOVING GUIDANCE.  Forgive me of my unbelief and my pride of self-sufficiency and my foolish ways of trying to fit you in a tidy little box.  And thank you for the gift of my son.  The two of you amazed me yesterday.

Sorry about the audio.  I’m still trying to figure out the best way to go from my DVR to computer/internet.  This was my first attempt with just a straight video recording of the TV.

Let’s start with two fundamental concepts on which I am building this blog post (and the interview I did on WAFB)…

1. Helping kids develop athletic skill and excellence is a good thing, and I believe it is generally a far better gift to them than just buying them more video games, toys, or other stuff.

2. Chances are slim that any of our children will ever be playing pro ball, and most of them will finish their athletic careers in high school.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s huddle up!

1. Rather than focusing too much on scores and W/L records, kids’ sports programs (read parents and coaches) should focus largely on experiencing teamwork, skill development, and character growth.

2. Rather than holding kids to adult expectations, coaches and parents should emphasize the process and victory of progress and growth.

3. Rather than dwelling on individual achievement, team sports should focus on teamwork and interactive encouragement.

4. Rather than consuming family lives and schedules in a stress-battering way, kids’ sports involvement should be a fun way to extend family character development.

5. Bottom line – kids’ sports programs should be a place to assist in the development of healthy, responsible, virtuous adults, and NOT an end unto themselves!

Certainly, the older kids are, and the more experienced the team, the more important it becomes to focus on skills and athleticism.  Granted.  But I still believe the above principles hold true, even throughout middle school and high school sports.

Finally, a couple of examples from my son’s seven year old coaches pitch baseball team.  I LOVED this little moment at their first practice!  At the post-practice huddle, Coach Brad asked the boys if they were doing well in school.  He then asked them specifically if any of them had gotten in trouble in the classroom that week.  Three of them confessed to having “their stars moved” once during the week (apparently, the discipline system used at the school where most of the boys attend).  Coach then proceeded to have the whole team (himself included) do three push ups to impress on them the importance of right behavior in the classroom and the fact that they are a team, on and off the field.  Hats off, Coach Brad!  Coach asked me to sub for him this Thursday, as he will be out of town.  While we are certainly going to be working on fundamental baseball skills, the theme for practice will be Respect.  Showing respect for self by not hanging your head if you make a mistake, respect for coaches (and officials) by obeying and following instructions, respect for teammates by giving your best every play, encouraging them, and being “heads up” between plays, and respect for opposing players by being encouraging rather than ugly.

Play Ball!

- Coach Roger

Picking right up where we left off…

On Sunday morning Chemaine wasn’t feeling well, so Shep and I headed off to church in my truck.  Father-son time with our church family.  Worshiping God, studying His Word, building relationships, good coffee, fun play – should be great!  In the midst of singing and talking with Shep on the ride to church, he somewhat brazenly asserts that, “At least I get some screen time during children’s worship!”

Oh, CRAP!  Hadn’t thought of that!!!  Yes, indeed, Shep’s elementary group in the children’s ministry at church is just getting started good in a new string of lessons based on a video series.  Dad.  Gum.  It.  What to do about the Screen Time hiatus?!?

I dropped the lad off in his Sunday school class (the video time comes next hour), went to my Sunday school class (Sorry, Dr. Steve – “Adult Bible Fellowship”) led by my Eminem-lovin, Facebook eschewing friend, Hans Googer, and then checked with one the children’s worship leaders to ask which part of their service would include the video.  After discussing the situation with Lisa for a couple of minutes, she told me she totally understood and supported our being serious about impressing important character lessons on Shep, and that pretty much their whole class would center around the video (I was considering either bringing him up late, or getting him out early).  Basically, it was going to be all or nothing.

When I got my son from Sunday school and brought him into “big church” with me, as we do every week before the youngins are dismissed to go upstairs for their special worship and lesson time, I honestly had not made up my mind what I was going to do.  In hindsight, I should have called Chemaine and prayed about it, but at the time neither occurred to me.  Shep saw his buddies line up on the front row to watch the youth choir perform a special mini-concert during worship time (GREAT job, guys!), and he wanted to go sit with them.  That’s cool.  Sit on the end, and I’ll sit next to you.  Still positioning, waiting, and considering.  Finally, Shep made my mind up for me with a very smug, “At least I get some screen time during children’s worship!”  Okay, Mr. Big Shot Screen Addict, that’s it!

“No,” I say very quietly and firmly to him.  “You aren’t going upstairs this morning.  You are staying here with me.”  And then I saw Shep set his jaw and speak with more resolute defiance than I knew he had in him.  “Yes, I am.  I AM GOING UPSTAIRS WITH MY FRIENDS!”  And when they announced the dismissal of the kids, and his friends got up, he stood up and looked at me.  “Sit down.”  A glare.  A huff.  Then submission.  Now tears.

He crumpled his body over me, buried his face in my lap, and began softly sobbing.  Cut off from his friends.  Cut off from his precious big screen.  Ouch.  I gently rubbed his back and let him cry it out for several minutes.  When he finally came up for air, I offered to go get his Garfield book out of the truck for him to read during church (It’s a really progressive congregation!), but he very respectfully declined.  Then he grabbed my arm and wrapped it tightly around him self.  A few times during the service, he pulled back to glare at me with a crushed, yet defiant gaze.  But then he would nuzzle in close again, and I would rub his back or shoulder or hair, affirming that I love him, and that my love is motivating my actions even in my “hurtful” decision.  Somehow in the midst of this, I realized I had been moved by The Spirit to teach Shep a powerful lesson about The Father’s love for us.

He cares far more about our character and obedience than he does about the little things that capture the temporary attention of our hearts.  Yes, He delights in giving us good gifts and saying “Yes” to our deepest longings.  But sometimes he withholds these things for a season to free our hearts from our sinful ways or attachments to the things of this world.  And He keeps His loving arm around us, gently speaking love to us through His abiding presence and voice of truth.

And for those of you who think I’m over the top with this screen time punishment…he came home from church and rode his bike without any assistance whatsoever for the very first time!  Coincidence?

(Thanks to my good friend and pastor, Hans Googer, for inspiring me to get back on my blogging horse and ride!)

So, basically I have decided I will just hope someday Shep will either understand the value of me using stories about his life on my blog or find it in his heart to forgive me.  I really do mean it when I say this, as I want him to know someday that I (will) respect him as a man, and I want to share stories such as the following in light of that commitment.  Anyway, without further ado…

So, my son seems to have inherited his Dad’s tendency to place socializing and merriment before work.  I won’t go into my regrets and what a lifetime of struggle this has been for me, but let’s just say I am committed to working with Chemaine and with Shep’s teachers to do all we can to help him turn this ship around sooner, rather than later.  After a few reports from his Montessori school teacher that he was excelling in social connection, while slacking in work product (his work has been excellent – he just hasn’t done much of it), I suggested a plan of motivational support on our part, which my wife and my son’s teacher both supported enthusiastically.  In order to fully appreciate the plan, let’s take a quick side trip.

My son LOVES his screen time!  (I will soon do a post entirely devoted to the subject of screen time.)  Sometimes, I think his priorities are: air, water, food, Wii, other screen time, and then whatever else he can fit in his busy schedule.  You getting what I’m saying here?  THIS BOY LOVES HIS SCREEN TIME!!!  Okay, back to our story…

We decided to put in place a new “deal” wherein Shep must meet a minimum standard of pieces of classwork (it’s a Montessori thing) finished each day at school, if he is to get his standard allotment of one hour of screen time that afternoon/evening.  Upon consultation with his wonderful teacher, we agreed that four pieces of work is a very reasonable standard to expect of him, given his abilities.  After implementing the new plan, we decided three pieces of work would allow him half an hour of screen time.  Anything less than three – no dice, Jack!  He proudly came home the first day and told us about doing SIX pieces of work that day.  “Way to go, dude!  I knew you could do it!  I hope you’re proud of what you did today!”  Over the next few days, the numbers he reported to us ranged from five to three, as I recall.  Then, my wife, who volunteers at our son’s school, decided to take a look at his work report sheet and talk with his teacher about how he was doing, and if the new system seemed to be working.

Turns out the little rascal had lied to us for two days straight, boldly deceiving us by telling us he had done more work than he had truly done.  While I am sad to admit that he also inherited this sinful trait directly from me, God has done much work on me in this department, and I determined not to let shame of my own moral failings keep me from holding my son to God’s standard of honesty and integrity.  Chemaine and I rather calmly (thanks, Hal!) explained from each of our perspectives how and why we were disappointed in his actions, and that we were going to help him learn to live to God’s higher standard.  We also made clear that we love him very much and believe he can do better, so we are going to do our best to help him get there.  And then, we dropped THE BOMB…

NO SCREEN TIME FOR A WEEK!

We have never lowered the boom on him this hard, but we agreed that this time he needed a severe consequence (for a seven year old) to impress upon him how serious we are about him living with integrity in his character, both in his work ethic and in his honest speech.  Slack off and pay.  Tell a lie and pay more.  Slack off and willfully begin a pattern of lies, and pay big time!  This was a painful decision, but Chemaine and I agreed it was the right one to help our lad find the necessary motivation to turn this ship around.  I just thought this was the painful part.  No, indeed!

But it seems I’ve gone on long enough for one post.  I’ll be back tomorrow to tell you what happened on Sunday of No-Screen Week that broke my heart, crushed Shep, and left him crying in my lap during church.

Here’s a little Christmas idea for your kids this year…give them the gift of limits on their screen time.

Don’t expect them to jump for joy and sing your praises as if you just bought them the latest greatest video game.  But then, good parenting isn’t all about having our kids sing our praises, is it?  Here are some suggestions for establishing healthy screen time limits in your home:

1. Include all screens in “screen-time” rules and limits (TV, computer, video games, movies, even cell phone apps).  Let them decide which screen is most important to them on a given day.  Giving them this opportunity for making priority choices is a great way to help them grow an important life-skill.

2. Have regular limits on screen-time as a proactive measure – not just for punishment.

3. Take away portions of screen-time for punishment to maximize effectiveness.  Cutting that Wii time in half is sometimes more painful (effective) than taking it away completely.  Depending on the infraction, we cut our son’s screen-time out by three minute, five minute, half hour, and screen-type (no Wii, but internet is still on, etc) increments.  He only loses future screen-time if he has gone WAY out of bounds on a big issue like respect.

4. Be more rigid on school nights and more flexible on weekends, vacation time, etc.

5. Always be ready to offer positive alternatives to screen-time.  Playing catch outside, working a puzzle, playing a board game, reading a book, riding a bike – the sky’s the limit!

6. Set time limits based on age and other reasonable factors.  For example, we give our soon-to-be 7 year old an hour of screen-time on weeknights and leave it fairly open-ended on weekends.  We allow him “extra” screen-time during weekends because he is an only child, and we try to be realistic about that.  Also, you will have to make reasonable allowances for school-required screen time online.

7. Be in charge.  If you cave in to your child’s whines, manipulations, and complaints on a regular basis, you are letting them be in charge, and cheating them of your leadership.

8. Sprinkle grace into your disciplined structure.  Now and then, we let our son have extra screen-time “just because.”  Also, we don’t have a set system for earning more screen-time, but are willing to give him a bump at times when he has done something outstanding.  It’s always a big hit, and helps him realize we are not simply looking for ways to limit his fun.

9. Be as engaged in your child’s screen-time as possible.  Know what they are into, be present with them while using their screen-time as often as you can, and talk with them about what they like and what they think about what they are taking in via the screen.

10. Have reasonable screen-time limits in your own life.  If you tank this one, the first nine points won’t work too well for your family.

Merry Christmas and Happy Screen-Time to you and your family from Dr. Butner!