I just discovered these great resources today from Ron Deal and Successful Stepfamilies.  While I have not read them yet, I have read Ron’s first book, The Smart Stepfamily, and it is fantastic.  I have also had the pleasure of hearing him present a message live at a conference, as well as sharing a conversation with him over a meal afterward.  He was the real deal then, and he seems to be growing in his wisdom and effectiveness in blessing and guiding stepfamilies over the years as God continues to guide his steps.  If you need guidance through the rough waters of stepfamily and remarriage life, listen to Ron.  He has something worth hearing.

(Based on my 8/31 WAFB Parenting 101 interview)

When is the right age to start talking with your kids about drugs and alcohol?

• Whenever a situation presents itself, whether in “real life” or on screen, where the subject of alcohol or drugs makes sense to discuss. In fact, “Intervention” on A&E is a fantastic resource for parents to utilize in teaching your kids about where the abuse of drugs and alcohol can lead.  Set your DVR to record the show regularly, then find an episode or two that you feel comfortable using as an illustration and conversation guide.
• If your child makes it to middle school without you having shared a few direct, specific talks along these lines, YOU ARE LATE AND NEED TO CATCH UP NOW!!!

What are some important things to do in talking with our kids about alcohol and drugs?

• Be honest with them. If you really want to protect and empower your children to the fullest, so they are well equipped to make wise choices in this area of life, show them the respect of telling the truth.
• Be specific with them. “Drugs are dangerous” may be a good starting point for a seven year old, but at some point you need to tell them and show them what are the particular risks of using/abusing inhalants, opiates, marijuana, alcohol, prescription pills, etc.
• Invite them to ask questions. Sure, they may stump you with an unexpected zinger.  Big deal!  Find the answer together, empowering them and building your relationship in the process.
• Share any lessons you have learned “the hard way.” Yes, you should use age-appropriate judgment in how much detail you share with your kids, but their are few lessons that will get their attention like the ones where their parents made mistakes and paid a price for it.

What are some important things NOT to do in talking with our kids about drugs and alcohol?

• Make big threats. Telling your kids they will be grounded for a year or sent to boot camp or on God’s permanent Naughty List if they ever drink or use drugs will not be helpful to them at all, and may increase their likelihood of indulging in the “secret forbidden fruit” syndrome – hiding their struggles from you and the world.  Not good!
• Go to extremes of exaggeration or avoidance. Again, this is disempowering and not at all helpful, as it does not help ground and equip them in reality.  And drugs and alcohol are very real, let me assure you.
• Scare them into never talking to you again. So, you feel scared or uneasy about discussing this stuff with your kids.  GET OVER IT!  They NEED you to be calm and confident as you discuss the realities of alcohol and drug use and abuse with them.

Where can parents get help if you are concerned your child/teen may have a problem with alcohol or drugs?

• Alcoholics Anonymous World Services Baton Rouge AA Central Office (225-381-9609 in Baton Rouge)
• Al-Anon / Alateen Family Groups Al-Anon in Louisiana (225-924-0029 in Baton Rouge)
• Narcotics Anonymous World Services Louisiana Region NA (225-381-9609 in Baton Rouge)
• Tau Center for Chemical Dependency (225-765-8900 a great local resource for the Baton Rouge area)
• Teen Challenge USA (Christian treatment for alcoholism and addiction for all ages at sites throughout the country)
• Call me at 225-333-1582 or email me at roger@hopeforyourfamily.com or contact another local mental health professional with experience working with teens, families, and alcohol/drug issues (Always feel free to call and ask mental health professionals about their training and experience before scheduling any appointments).

Let’s pick up the story of Elijah’s Day of Despair (or Dark Night of the Soul, if you like) in 1 Kings 19 from where we left it in the previous post…

And so, he [Elijah] gave up.  He had nothing left.  No hope.  No energy.  No faith.  No courage.  No reason to live.  He was spent.  He collapsed under a tree and cried out to God with his last ounce of bitter strength, “I’m DONE!  If you care for me in the slightest, God, kill me now and put me out of my misery!!!”

Perhaps you can relate.  You have collapsed in exhaustion and despair under that same tree and wailed at God in that same voice.  You know how helpless and hopeless he felt.  Read on, I have a message of real Hope for you today.

God’s immediate response to Elijah was one of understanding, compassion, and provision.  He didn’t ignore him.  He didn’t berate him for his weakness.  He didn’t strike him dead for his lack of faith.  He blessed his servant with rest.  And He blessed His servant with fresh food and fresh water.

God understands our limitations and our weakness.  He made us.  He does not punish us for being worn out and discouraged.  However, He will allow us to run out of gas if we begin facing life with the notion that we can handle it all on our own power.  God’s loving response to Elijah was to let him “crash” and get some much-needed sleep, interrupted only by a heavenly waiter serving up fresh baked bread and cold, clear water.  As a father, there is a good chance I would have begun with a lecture, had that been my son throwing in the towel: “Are you kidding me, Elijah?!!  Have you already forgotten what I just did on Mt. Carmel?  Do you really think I can’t handle one dastardly royal couple, after what I did to all those prophets of Baal?  Come on, son!  Get your head in the game.  What’s the matter with you?!!” It’s a good thing God handles weakness better than I do.  A very good thing.

And after his stay at God’s Bed and Breakfast, Elijah is invited to another mountaintop for a visit with The Almighty.  Here on the mountain of God, Elijah is given the three rich gifts of perspective, work, and relationship.  God gently reminds him that He is in charge, that He has not abandoned Elijah, and that he is not so alone (or all-important) as he thinks he is.  He blesses him with a new mission – more work to do.  Now, you may not see how giving a weary man more work to do could be a blessing.  What happened to that rest and refreshment?  To put it simply, we humans are at our healthiest in mind, body, spirit, and relationship when we are actively working on something meaningful.  Yes, we need to take time for rest and refreshment, and we American Christians are suffering greatly for our rejection of God’s command to honor the sabbath day and keep it holy.  But when rest and refreshment moves beyond retreat and turns to escape and avoidance, life turns ugly in a hurry.

Relationship.  “It is not good for a man to be alone.”  God’s comment on the human race is as true today as it was in the garden with Adam and on the mountaintop with Elijah.  Solitude is one thing, and can be deeply refreshing.  But feeling like you are a lone target with no one who cares, understands, or has the willingness to stand with you?  Hell on earth!  So God informs Elijah that he is actually part of a band of 7,000 rebels faithful to the LORD, and takes it a huge step further.  Guess what, Elijah?…  You don’t have to do this whole lone prophet thing any longer!  Elijah, meet Elisha, your new best friend and partner in ministry.

Does God respond this way to each of us when we are downtrodden and despairing?  Yes and no.  Yes, He always responds with understanding, compassion, and provision.  No, we don’t all get a stay at God’s Bed and Breakfast.  Or catch a ride on the hottest wheels of all time, for that matter.  But when we admit we cannot face life any longer out of our own strength, and fall on God’s mercy, He will lift us up and give us just what we need to continue the journey.

Here are a few tips for living with reasonable freedom from the bondage of stress.  Most of these I have learned the hard way.  Some of them I have experienced the hard way, but have not yet learned:

1. Seek God every day.
2. Surrender to God every day.
3. Ask for help when you need it.
4. Graciously accept the help you are offered.
5. Slow down.
6. Work hard to finish the tasks you start.
7. Make rest an important priority.
8. Prayerfully consider your list of current commitments before adding to the list.
9. Learn to embrace, respect, and celebrate your limitations.
10. Say “Thank you” often.
11. Drink plenty of water.
12. Stick with a sensible exercise routine.
13. Let go of the need to be right.
14. Hunger and thirst for righteousness.
15. Don’t forget to play and pray every day!

What would you add from your experiences?

Have you ever felt totally beaten down and defeated by life?  Are you feeling that way today?  It seems like you have done everything you know to do.  You have tried to do what is right.  Maybe even done what you can to live a life pleasing to God.  You know you aren’t perfect, but you have done your best.  And life has kicked you in the teeth and left you weeping alone, praying for God to at least show you the mercy of letting you die and leave all this pain and misery behind.

You are not alone.  I have a story to share with you.  I don’t mean to cheapen your pain and grief and misery by dismissing you with a simplistic story of faith.  I do hope to share with you a glimpse of the God who created you, loves you, understands your limitations, and wants to point you in the direction of a good purpose for your life.  But before we hear the story of God’s tender loving response, we must first hear the story of a man’s real life experience with weariness, fear, bitterness, and despair (as described in 1 Kings 17-19 in the Holy Bible):

Elijah had been shown special provision and favor from God.  That much was unmistakable.  While God had certainly not made his life comfortable through the hard times that had hit the land, He had cared for his daily needs of food and shelter in rather amazing ways.  When God had called him to stand up to the wicked and corrupt king and to humiliate and slaughter the false prophets of the land, he had obeyed and seen an awe-inspiring display of God’s power.  As bizarre as God’s expectations had been, hadn’t he shown his consistent willingness to obey?!?  Had God not seen how faithful his servant had been, and how willing he had been to face adversity in obedience to his Lord?

And what blessing had Elijah received for his faithfulness?  What prize to thank him for his devotion to the Almighty of Heaven?  What token of gratitude for his willingness to stand up for God, when all others seemed to have abandoned Him?

A DEATH THREAT!  From a queen who did not make idle threats and had an established history of ruthless, bloodthirsty cruelty.  Elijah was now assured of a cruel execution in the very near future, probably in a very public spectacle to make an example out of him.  His mountaintop experience wasn’t worth a hill of beans now.  His number was up.

And so, he gave up.  He had nothing left.  No hope.  No energy.  No faith.  No courage.  No reason to live.  He was spent.  He collapsed under a tree and cried out to God with his last ounce of bitter strength, “I’m DONE!  If you care for me in the slightest, God, kill me now and put me out of my misery!!!”

Stay tuned to read the rest of the story and hear of God’s wonderful response of mercy, provision, and power…

No, I am not a financial adviser.  But I have discovered the key to total financial security.  It is the simplest and hardest thing you can do.  It doesn’t involve the Powerball Lottery or the New York Stock Exchange.  It doesn’t require any understanding of stocks, mutual funds, or anything reported on CNN, Fox News, or MSNBC.  It didn’t come from Dave Ramsey or Ron Blue or Larry Burkett or Crown Financial Ministries, although I think these guys would agree.  So, what is the key to total financial security?

“Seek first his (God’s) kingdom and his (God’s) righteousness, and all these things (financial needs) will be given to you as well.” – Matthew 6:33

Make it your business to do God’s will as your sole focus in life, and He will make it His business to take care of your every need.

Now I’m not going to sit and here and lie to you and tell you I never get worried over financial insecurities.  I do fall into that stress-trap from time to time.  But I’m going to shoot straight with you here, and this isn’t just some kind of religious mumbo-jumbo.  I am speaking from real life experience.  When my heart, soul, mind, and strength is focused on Kingdom business as I seek to surrender to God’s will and carry out His good work around me, I do not worry about finances.  And God takes care of me.  Period.

Do I have a huge cushion in my bank account?  No.  Do I live in the nicest house or drive the nicest car in Baton Rouge?  No.  But ask me if I have missed a house payment.  Ask me if my family has gone hungry.  Ask me if my family has everything we need.  I realize I live in Middle Class America, which means I live with more wealth at my disposal than the vast majority of the population of the world.  This means I probably have a very skewed view of financial needs, wants, security, abundance, etc.  Granted.  But I know this for sure.  When my life is centered on doing the work of the Kingdom and living as an ambassador of Christ in this dark world, I don’t worry about bills, checking accounts, and IRAs.  And let’s face it, worrying about those things can drain the life right out of us.

I know this is a very familiar passage for many of you, but I dare you to take some time to really read and meditate on what these words mean to your life:

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.  But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  The eye is the lamp of the body.  If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light.  But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness.  If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!  No one can serve two masters.  Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.  You cannot serve both God and Money.”

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?  And why do you worry about clothes?  See how the lilies of the field grow.  They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?”

“So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.” – Matthew 6:19-34 (NIV)

I think the key to putting this lifestyle into practice is expressed very well in this old hymn that I haven’t sung in years:

“This world is not my home.  I’m just a-passin’ through.  My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue.  The angels beckon me from Heaven’s open door.  And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore.”

Now I think I’ll head outside and watch the family of geese feed around the pond for a while.  God is so good!

I am rebooting the start date for the upcoming group I will be leading here in Baton Rouge.  I hate that there is such a need for this kind of group, but I have learned that the ugliness of reality is better faced than avoided.  I am doing what I can to face this particular painful reality and equip teens and their families with tools to overcome it in their lives.  Please do what you can to support this group by praying for us and sharing the word as you have opportunity.

Alternatives to Cutting for Teens (A.C.T.)

A psycho-educational group for male and female teens who want to stop self-injuring.

NEW START DATE!  June 1, 2010

7:00-8:30 pm on Tuesday evenings

Group runs for 10 weeks (through August 3)

- Space is limited to 12 participants -

$50/session or prepay total for $450

Murphy Toerner and Associates

C-K Office Park

Conference Room A (front building)

17170 Perkins Rd

Baton Rouge, LA 70810

Pre-registration is required to ensure participation.

Contact Dr. Butner for registration or further information (225-333-1582 or Roger@hopeforyourfamily.com )

- Ask about the 5-week group for parents! -