Men of the Baton Rouge area (and beyond), it’s here.  The kickoff of a new season!  Men are suiting up and showing up for battle to show what they are made of, and to take their game to a higher level this year.  That’s right, gentlemen.  It’s that time of year again.  Time for…

MEN’S FRATERNITY!!!

I wish words on a blog could adequately tell you how profoundly my participation in Men’s Fraternity impacted my life over the past three years.  Men, I’m telling you, Men’s Fraternity will change your life!  For now, I will share with you the words of one our pastors, who was also my excellent small group leader the first year I joined this fellowship:

(Thanks to WAFB Channel 9 for inviting me to share this message with their viewers!)

Click here to watch WAFB bullying interview with Dr. Butner

Q. Is bullying becoming a worse problem in our society today?  If so, why?

A. YES!  It is clearly becoming a growing epidemic among us.  I believe the most significant contributing factor is the growing number of communication channels available that allow us to send powerful messages immediately, without taking time to think through our emotion or impulse.  There are two reasons this has given rise to more bullying behavior.  First, such digital communication is viral.  One message sent can quickly be spread to mass numbers of people in ways that were unimaginable to us back when I was a teen in the 80s and early 90s.  Second, such communication channels give an illusion of safe distance where it becomes easy to think of the message simply as fun comments, and not as a direct assault on a real live person.  As we become increasing consumers of digital communication, we will continue to see a rise in bullying, particularly cyber-bullying.

Q. What can we do about this?

A. Parents, teachers, coaches, school administrators, pastors, scout leaders, and the like must commit to a no-tolerance stand against any type of bullying behavior.  In addition to physically aggressive behavior and threatening messages, this includes hurtful name-calling, manipulative pressure tactics, deliberate exclusion and ridicule, etc.  Children and youth need to learn from an early age that the adult leaders of their community are standing together against such foolishness, thoughtlessness, and cruelty.

A. Parents can contact your school administration to find out what is in place to monitor and respond to bullying.  Challenge your school to be proactive and effective in their approach.

A. Parents need to take time to clearly teach and coach our kids in respectful behavior toward others, including face to face, phone conversation, texting, and online formats.  Don’t assume your kids will do the right thing.  Train them to do the right thing!

A. We must watch our own words and actions carefully.  For example, what message are you sending your kids when you scream and cuss at players, coaches, and officials during a football game that isn’t playing out to your liking?  How do you treat other drivers during traffic?  What kind of snarky comments and “likes” are you posting on your own Facebook page?  Any time we use our words and actions to tear down others, we are essentially giving our kids permission to be bullies.

A. Teach victims to respond calmly, rather than reacting emotionally.  Emotional reactions typically “fuel the fire” of bullies, bringing on more of the unwanted behavior.

A. Help victims find genuine strength and self-worth in their abilities and your love.

Q. What are some signs that your child might be the victim of bullying?

A. Sudden lack of interest in social activities.

A. Sudden change in Facebook/MySpace activity (You ARE keeping an eye on your teen’s Facebook/MySpace activity, AREN’T YOU?!!)

A. Lashing out toward siblings, pets, property, etc.

For much more guidance, information, resources, etc, check out Bullying.org

Book Recommendation: “The Wounded Spirit” by Frank Peretti

Look for another blog post to follow shortly on a “deeper” lesson or two learned from my very first fishing trip.  For now, I offer these:

1. Spending a day fishing with a good friend is a very good thing.
2. Fish spray poop whenever you pull the hook out of their mouths.  Be careful where you aim their…tails.
3. Porpoises are the “cows” of the saltwater “pasture” in the bays of South Louisiana.
4. It’s a good idea to have a strap or cord on your sunglasses out there on the high-speed fishing boat.
5. Speckled trout truly are beautiful creatures.
6. Speckled trout smell far better cooked than they do in the cooler on the boat.
7. If you are going to reel in a big fish (like a redfish), you better have the right equipment and ability.
8. If you don’t have the right equipment and ability, be in the boat with someone who does.
9. Don’t judge people by their diplomas and degrees.  Education and wisdom come in many forms.
10. Sunblock is your friend.  So is the guy who reminds you to reapply a couple of times on a long day.
11. There is a time to wait, and a time to act;  a time to fish, and a time to move on; a time to persist, and time to switch bait; a time to observe, and a time to engage; a time to laugh, and a time to mourn; a time to sit, and a time to stand up and hold on (that last bit left me feeling like a rodeo bull-rider in training!); a time to answer the cell phone, and a time to ignore it.

Ready for a truly life-changing experience?

Tired of feeling like you aren’t what you should be?

Just need to make some real friendships with some real guys?

Want to make your marriage the best it can be?

Want to lead your children like you never have before?

Want to learn how to be the best man you can be from some guys who have earned the right to teach us?

If you answered YES to any of these questions, you really need to check out MEN’S FRATERNITY!!!  Click here or on the Men’s Frat tab above for all the details and registration information.

And for guys in the Baton Rouge area, come be a part of “REFUEL” Men’s Conference at the Church of the Highlands on Saturday, August 14.  Click here for details and registration information.

Here it is, as promised.

Blessings to you on your journey!

p.s. – I’ll follow up with a picture when I have the opportunity.

Tug-of-war can be a really fun way to get exercise, build teamwork, and enjoy a spirited competition.  Then again, it can also be a great way to get pulled into a big mud puddle!

Emotional tug-of-war can be a frustrating, draining exercise that diverts our energy from positive pursuits and relationship-building activity into a muddy pit of wasted life.  Does this sound familiar?  Have you experienced the discouragement of pouring seemingly endless energy into a relationship, with the underlying goal of “having it your way,” only to feel the ongoing pull on the emotional rope of the other person who is equally invested in “having it his/her way?”  There are definitely better ways to get a strenuous workout!

Folks, as I always strive to do in my sharing with you, I’m going to level with you about my own struggles in this fruitless playing of emotional tug-of-war.  Despite my sincere desire and efforts to grow spiritually, emotionally, relationally (they are really simply different strands of the same rope, by the way), I still slip back into playing this game.  It is exhausting and a ridiculous waste of my time, focus, and energy.  And yet, there I go – picking up the rope and straining and pulling and sweating and cursing for all I’m worth!  YUCK!

The weariness and emotional drain isn’t even the most painful part of the process.  The real pain comes in realizing that however justified and “Right” I may feel in my position in this particular round of emotional tug-of-war, what is actually driving me to hold that rope and pull with all my might is PRIDE.  Plain old sinful egotistical pride!  I think my way is right, and I won’t let go until you agree.  Take that!  And so I voluntarily tie my self to an individual (or organization or entity) that I believe, at least at the present moment, to be misguided and wrong.  And then I wonder why my blood pressure goes up and I feel agitated and tired.  Wait a minute – haven’t I been pursuing FREEDOM in my life?!!  Don’t I still want to live in freedom as I journey along the road of life?  Don’t I still believe I cannot truly offer gifts of freedom to others if I do not live in freedom in my own life?  What to do?…

DROP THE ROPE!!!

(Next post – Dropping the Rope)

As I begin writing this blog post at 4:05 Sunday afternoon, I would love to report I am just waking up from a long, restful nap.  You know the kind I mean.  A great morning of fellowship and worship and learning at church moved into a great lunch of food and more fellowship, which then moved into some playful time at home as a family, and then all became quiet and peaceful as the whole family drifted off into deep slumber for an hour or more.  Oh, man, those are great days!

But mine veered off into a different course right around the “quiet and peaceful” bit.  My wife got in a nice little nap while my son watched a view Mario Bros videos and I worked through some final preparations for a parenting workshop I will be sharing tomorrow evening.  My need for rest finally eclipsed my need for more preparation, and I laid down my books and papers, closed my eyes, and let the Sunday afternoon drift away into quiet…

Smack!  Smack!  “Dad.”  “Dad, it’s daytime!”  “Come on, Dad, get up.”  My son wanted me to get up, so I could take him to his friend’s house.  I talked with him for a bit, and then explained that we would not be going to his friend’s house today, as we have other plans for the afternoon and evening.  “But I want to go to Nick’s house!  That’s mean, Dad!  I’m gonna tell Mom on you!!!”  I told him to go right ahead with that plan, and let me know how it goes.

As I lay in bed, thankful for the possibility of just ten minutes of quiet rest, I could hear things heating up in the living room.  I couldn’t make out the words, but my son was clearly pleading his case with his Mom with increasing frustration and desperation, and my wife was calmly holding her ground.  I’m pretty sure my wife asked him why he wanted to go to Nick’s house so badly, because the next thing I heard was a pitiful wail of:

“Because he loves me!”

I think this struck me as blogworthy, because I could so relate.  Aren’t there times when it seems nothing is going the way you want, and in the midst of your frustration and despair, nothing seems so appealing as being in the presence of one who truly loves you?  It seems to me that  the main reason the Gospel of Christ is truly “Good News” is that He came to bring us into continual relationship with Himself, His Father, and His Spirit.  He is always with us – embracing and loving us.  Always.

Thanks for the reminder, son.  Next time, could you bring it before my Sunday naptime?

Parenting Toward Character Goals – Installment Two:

Which person do you prefer – the considerate or inconsiderate individual?  With which person are you more at ease and more likely to share openly and honestly – the one who pays attention to you and proactively thinks of things that may bless you or the one who is so wrapped up in self that you begin to wonder if they even notice you are still there?

Not exactly a tough call, is it?  We all prefer spending time with considerate people.  People who are willing to make the effort to notice us and reach out to us and respect our choices and sometimes even sacrifice their own preferences to honor ours.  These are people who bless us.  We feel filled up and lifted up and encouraged and empowered when considerate people touch our lives in some way.  They add value to us and to our journey.

Inconsiderate people have the opposite effect.  They tend to drain us, and may really frustrate or irritate us.  Rather than eagerly anticipating our time with them, we are more likely to brace ourselves to endure our time with them.

Which camp would you like to see your child in?  Again, not a tough choice, right?  So, what are you doing to lead your son or daughter there?

And I can tell you right now – if you regularly cater to your child’s preferences and demands, doing your best to make the daily environment around your daughter or son just the way she/he wants it to be – you aren’t shaping a considerate individual.  You are helping to create yet another self-absorbed, inconsiderate individual to join in the competitive struggle of “looking out for number one.”  Let me know how that works out for you.  Or, more importantly – for your son or daughter.

Am I saying you should stop doing things for your child that he/she wants and enjoys, and turn into some cold, callous parent whose aim is to prepare that child for the harshness of a world that doesn’t care?  No, that’s not it.  Simply this.  The two most powerful ways to lead your kids toward becoming loved and cherished by others as considerate individuals are to resist the impulse to revolve the world around them and cater to their every whim, and to model consideration by practicing it in your own life.  We don’t always get our way in life, and kids do well to learn this early from Mom and Dad.  But this need not be a dreary fact.  Help them discover the joy of willingly, proactively embracing opportunities to put others first and serve them through simple gestures and sacrifices of consideration.

Tune in next time for tips on fostering the virtue of honesty in your children.