HopeForYourFamily

Tug-of-war can be a really fun way to get exercise, build teamwork, and enjoy a spirited competition.  Then again, it can also be a great way to get pulled into a big mud puddle!

Emotional tug-of-war can be a frustrating, draining exercise that diverts our energy from positive pursuits and relationship-building activity into a muddy pit of wasted life.  Does this sound familiar?  Have you experienced the discouragement of pouring seemingly endless energy into a relationship, with the underlying goal of “having it your way,” only to feel the ongoing pull on the emotional rope of the other person who is equally invested in “having it his/her way?”  There are definitely better ways to get a strenuous workout!

Folks, as I always strive to do in my sharing with you, I’m going to level with you about my own struggles in this fruitless playing of emotional tug-of-war.  Despite my sincere desire and efforts to grow spiritually, emotionally, relationally (they are really simply different strands of the same rope, by the way), I still slip back into playing this game.  It is exhausting and a ridiculous waste of my time, focus, and energy.  And yet, there I go – picking up the rope and straining and pulling and sweating and cursing for all I’m worth!  YUCK!

The weariness and emotional drain isn’t even the most painful part of the process.  The real pain comes in realizing that however justified and “Right” I may feel in my position in this particular round of emotional tug-of-war, what is actually driving me to hold that rope and pull with all my might is PRIDE.  Plain old sinful egotistical pride!  I think my way is right, and I won’t let go until you agree.  Take that!  And so I voluntarily tie my self to an individual (or organization or entity) that I believe, at least at the present moment, to be misguided and wrong.  And then I wonder why my blood pressure goes up and I feel agitated and tired.  Wait a minute – haven’t I been pursuing FREEDOM in my life?!!  Don’t I still want to live in freedom as I journey along the road of life?  Don’t I still believe I cannot truly offer gifts of freedom to others if I do not live in freedom in my own life?  What to do?…

DROP THE ROPE!!!

(Next post – Dropping the Rope)

Tags: family, friends, hope, leadership, marriage / relationships, parenting, personal responsibility, screamfree, the journey

How do I want to improve my life this year?  How have I let my self (or others) down this year?  What am I really ready to surrender this year?  What part of my life has brought me to a breaking point?  How do I want to make a difference this year?  What does my family need from me this year?

The list could go on and on.  Christmas is over and the New Year approaches.  As waistlines and credit card bills expand, our minds move to that great annual enigma – New Year’s Resolutions.

Well, if you are looking to bring some real transformation to your family this year; if you want to really improve your relationships with your kids; if you know the time has come for you to step up and lead your home in a healthier direction, you may just be amazed at the power you will unleash as you face these three simple questions every evening.  Perhaps you could write them on a card and tape them to your bathroom mirror:

1. Did I give enough healthy touch today? (The presence of ongoing healthy touch is one of the most powerful tools a parent can use to impart value, hope, and direction into the life of a child.  Please invest wisely and lavishly!)

2. Did I listen enough today? (Sure, we want our children to listen to us and respect us.  But please don’t forget – “Kids don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care!”)

3. Did I honor my word today? (Part of this challenge is to be honest with our kids, and not deceitful.  However, the greater challenge may be carrying through on our warnings of correction and discipline.  Empty threats will always steer our kids in the wrong direction – they are not neutral.  Children need parents to consistently enforce their rules to prepare them for life.)

And remember that life can only be lived and changes can only be made ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Tags: adolescence, family, leadership, parenting, respect, teens

Mmmmmm!  Talk about a smooth sipping cold one!

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your loved ones.

May your day be certified Tofurky & Gravy Soda Free!

Dr B

Tags: culture, family, the journey

(Re-posted from 2006)

Well, the Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday season is upon us.  You know what that means? – Dealing with knotheads!  Whether it’s your ex-spouse, your alcoholic mother, your abusive father, your in-laws with no sense of personal boundaries, the guy in front of you on the road driving 10 mph under the speed limit, or the woman in the department store who clearly doesn’t know the answer to your question but is trying to sound convincing anyway…knotheads are in abundance.  We deal with them throughout the year, but they seem to come out of the woodwork this time of year.  This being the case, it seemed appropriate to offer you some practical guidance on successfully dealing with the knotheads in your life.

Let’s begin with a simple definition.  A knothead is anyone who seems determined to frustrate you.  I like to use the word “knothead,” because it has such a nice, descriptive ring to it, without crossing the line into…well, you know the more colorful terms you use for these folks – under your breath or behind their back or when the kids aren’t listening.  Anyway, knotheads appear to have the secret code to get to our buttons and push them to maximum aggravation level.  It is at this point that we begin to see the solution to dealing with the knothead dilemma.

Question: What is the difference between a knothead and a common bonehead?  Your common bonehead does goofy things, but doesn’t get you riled up.  No access to your buttons, you see.  The knothead, on the other hand, has found a way to get you to react with frustration, aggravation, or even outright fury when they pull out the goofy behavior card.  So, again, what is the difference between these two?  The degree to which you give them access to your emotional buttons!  This is great news!  It means you have a great deal of power in this equation.  You have the power to reduce any knothead in rank to a common bonehead, therefore rendering them totally endurable (even for a four hour Thanksgiving feast!).

The power to neutralize even the most raging knothead is within your grasp.  It basically comes down to three simple (if challenging) mental tasks:

1. Staying calm. As the old saying goes, there is great power in keeping your head when all those around you are losing theirs.  When you allow your emotional reactions to spill out in response to others’ goofy behavior, you are giving them greater access to your emotional buttons, and fueling their knotheadism to higher levels.  It may not be easy to stay calm in the face of certain individuals, but I didn’t tell you this would be easy – just that it is do-able.  When you stay calm, you stay in control.  Maybe this will help.  Remind yourself that if you get emotionally reactive because of something your least favorite knothead did or said, it means you have given a KNOTHEAD control of your emotions!  Is that what you really want?!!  Staying calm means keeping YOURSELF in control of your emotions and choices.  (For more insights into the power of calm and the destructive power of emotional reactivity, I highly recommend www.screamfree.com.)
2. Reminding yourself that the knothead/bonehead’s goofy behavior is primarily intended to get something for themself, not wreck your life. I know, there truly are exceptions to this – knotheads who legitimately want to inflict damage upon you.  However, this really is not the case in most situations.  In fact, many times the goofy behavior in question is so irksome to you, not because it was designed to cause you maximum frustration, but because you weren’t even considered.  The vast majority of goofy behavior is the result of selfishness, frustration, lack of vision, and/or lack of maturity.  If you can find a way to help the bonehead in question achieve whatever goals they are truly after, you are likely to help curb their goofy behavior that would otherwise intensify in an ongoing effort to reach their goals.  Remember that their true goal may not be their expressed goal.  You may have to listen and look carefully to understand what it is they are really desiring.  If you are willing to make this effort, you may find that that what they are after is not so different from something you may desire, as well.  If the idea of helping boneheads/knotheads achieve their goals is a really tough pill for you to swallow, consider the words of Jesus, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.  If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.  If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.  Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.  Do to others as you would have them do to you.”
3. Keeping it in perspective. Remember that you really only have to endure this goofiness for X length of time.  If you are frustrated with that knothead in traffic, get some perspective already!  We’re talking moments here – minutes at most.  (Ouch!!!  I’m really nailing myself on this one.)  Giving fifteen extra minutes of your day to that person at church who doesn’t understand personal boundaries isn’t going to kill you.  Even if the knothead you’ve been envisioning throughout this article is the one you will be sharing a living room with for three days over the Christmas holiday – it’s still only three days of your life.  Stay calm.  Try to help them get at least some of what they really want.  And remember that you are leaving in just a few short hours.  Why be miserable, just because there happen to be boneheads in the room?  Keep in mind what a relatively small sacrifice it is to spend this short amount of time with Bonehead, and make the choice to enjoy yourself and your time.  Especially during the holiday season!

I hope this has been a helpful course in Knotheadology 101.  I’ll be working on a 200 level course in the future.  In the meantime, if you would like some guided independent study with me, feel free to email me at Roger@hopeforyourfamily.com or call me at 225-333-1582.  I sincerely hope you will have a knothead-free holiday season and beyond, although many of us simply can’t escape a few boneheads along the way to help us grow and mature.  For more specific tips on how to deal with the ex-spouse variety of knothead, click on the following link to a handout I offered recently at a divorce support group: Healthy Relationship with Ex

Tags: community, family, marriage / relationships, screamfree

As we close in on the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year’s season, I just wanted to remind you of this resource page which remains on my site year round. These resources are provided to help you transition through the potential minefield of grief and stress that awaits many of you during this time of year which may be less than cheerful.  Feel free to post your comments on the holiday page about what you have found helpful (or not helpful, as the case may be) in your life journey.

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This one is provided just to give you an interesting perspective on life in the good ole US of A at this time of year:

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And this one is provided purely for some holiday season politically incorrect wisecrackery:

Tags: family, hope, the journey

Just checking in to share how wonderful it was this morning when I was driving my son to school, and he asked to listen to some music.  He wanted to listen to “The Law and the Prophets,” which is what he calls the song on his Steve Green cd of Scripture songs for kids that is based on Matthew 7:12 – a verse well known to many as “The Golden Rule.”  I cannot fully express how delightful it is to this father’s heart to hear his son joyfully singing about a life of showing love to others in the Way of Christ.

Today is a good day!

With Hope in Him (and hope for him),

Roger

Tags: character, compasses, family, hope, leadership, parenting, the journey

As I begin writing this blog post at 4:05 Sunday afternoon, I would love to report I am just waking up from a long, restful nap.  You know the kind I mean.  A great morning of fellowship and worship and learning at church moved into a great lunch of food and more fellowship, which then moved into some playful time at home as a family, and then all became quiet and peaceful as the whole family drifted off into deep slumber for an hour or more.  Oh, man, those are great days!

But mine veered off into a different course right around the “quiet and peaceful” bit.  My wife got in a nice little nap while my son watched a view Mario Bros videos and I worked through some final preparations for a parenting workshop I will be sharing tomorrow evening.  My need for rest finally eclipsed my need for more preparation, and I laid down my books and papers, closed my eyes, and let the Sunday afternoon drift away into quiet…

Smack!  Smack!  “Dad.”  “Dad, it’s daytime!”  “Come on, Dad, get up.”  My son wanted me to get up, so I could take him to his friend’s house.  I talked with him for a bit, and then explained that we would not be going to his friend’s house today, as we have other plans for the afternoon and evening.  “But I want to go to Nick’s house!  That’s mean, Dad!  I’m gonna tell Mom on you!!!”  I told him to go right ahead with that plan, and let me know how it goes.

As I lay in bed, thankful for the possibility of just ten minutes of quiet rest, I could hear things heating up in the living room.  I couldn’t make out the words, but my son was clearly pleading his case with his Mom with increasing frustration and desperation, and my wife was calmly holding her ground.  I’m pretty sure my wife asked him why he wanted to go to Nick’s house so badly, because the next thing I heard was a pitiful wail of:

“Because he loves me!”

I think this struck me as blogworthy, because I could so relate.  Aren’t there times when it seems nothing is going the way you want, and in the midst of your frustration and despair, nothing seems so appealing as being in the presence of one who truly loves you?  It seems to me that  the main reason the Gospel of Christ is truly “Good News” is that He came to bring us into continual relationship with Himself, His Father, and His Spirit.  He is always with us – embracing and loving us.  Always.

Thanks for the reminder, son.  Next time, could you bring it before my Sunday naptime?

Tags: family, friends, hope, the journey

I am increasingly realizing that I have been terribly duped for much of my life.  My flesh has conspired with the American culture of hedonism to raise me on a steady diet of the consideration, “What do I feel like doing?”  Some regular variations include, “What would make me more comfortable?” “What would make me happy?” and “What is easiest?”  Let’s face it, a great deal of the advertising that bombards us on a daily basis is built on these kinds of questions.

And it usually starts very early.  As a parent, I have a tremendous responsibility to train my child in the reality that being led by these flesh-directed considerations will not bring him to fulfillment, joy, and freedom.  No small task, when the millions of mighty voices of our worldly culture are chanting in unison, “Have it your way!”

I am sick of being duped by this insidious lie that my flesh will lead me to contentment.  It never has, and it never will.  God, have mercy on me.  Lord, free me from this self-imposed slavery.  Spirit, lead me in the paths of righteousness.

And so – last night I decided to defy this old way of life.  I checked my schedule for the coming day, and realized I didn’t have to be in the office until late in the day.  “Yes!  A perfect morning for sleeping in!!!  My wife will head to school for the day with our son, leaving me to enjoy the peaceful slumber of an empty house.  Beautiful!” Thus spoke the old familiar voice of Comfort.  And then another voice spoke within me.  A voice more removed, and yet, somehow more intimate.  “You don’t need more sleep.  Your son does need more time with you, though.  And, haven’t you been seeking to cultivate a life of greater discipline?”

Okay, Lord, you guide my steps.  And, so I said, “Hey son.  How about if I drive you to school tomorrow?  Would that be cool?”  So this morning, I got up “early,” led my son through his morning tasks, and drove him to school.  And not that there is always an immediate, tangible reward for following the voice of God rather than the voice of Comfort, but today there was.  As we sat in the car line, waiting for his teacher to bring him to his classroom, we discovered he had his first loose tooth.  It was a wonderful moment of growth and mystery and creation and relationship.  A moment I would have missed if my lazy bum had been lying in bed, slumbering to the soothing melodies of Comfort.

Tags: character, compasses, discipline, family, freedom, manhood, parenting, personal responsibility, the journey

It is so important that we honor our word by following through on our promises.  The more we grow as people of integrity and consistency, the more respect we tend to earn from others along the way.  And this is certainly true with our children.  Whether we have promised them a reward, a punishment, or just a trip to Wal-Mart (I’ll let you decide which category fits that one), our authority in our children’s lives grows as they experience us doing what we say we will do.

But it isn’t always easy.  Is it?  For many parents, it gets really tough when we have told our child they will suffer a particular consequence for misbehavior, and then it comes time for us to enforce it.  And they are now acting so sweet and repentant.  Or they came really close to stopping the behavior wherever we drew the line.  (“One, Two, Two and a Half, Two and Three Quarters, THRRRRRRREEEEEEEEE…”)  Or we realize that enforcing the punishment will be an inconvenience or a drain for us.

Yes, it get’s tough to carry through on punishment at times.  But when the going gets tough, loving parents get going.  If we aren’t willing to enforce our word with our kids, how do we really expect them to learn self-discipline?  And folks, facilitating the growth of self-discipline in our children is one of the most rewarding gifts we can possibly give them.

So when my son took an increasingly disrespectful tone toward my wife on Sunday night, we told him he would immediately lose the basket of toys in front of him, as well as his new favorite video, for a day.  And when he persisted, after being warned of the consequences, he was told he had just lost them for two days.  At this point he wisely shut his mouth and marched to his room for some self-imposed cool-down time.  Several times yesterday, he really applied the pressure to us by telling us how very sorry he was, and how he had learned and would be nice from now on.  We thanked him for his new attitude, told him we were glad he had learned his lesson, and reminded him he would get back his toys and videos on Wednesday.  At which point he wigged out and stormed back to his room.

No penitent vows of respectful living for life from the lad today.  Because Chemaine and I passed his tests yesterday by not going back on our word, he is realizing there are real consequences to misbehavior that aren’t too pleasant to suffer through.  He calmly asked me in the garage this morning, “Is it Wednesday yet?”  And when I answered, “No, today is Tuesday.  But tomorrow is Wednesday,” his face lit up and he beamed, “Thanks for telling me that, Dad!”

Tags: discipline, family, leadership, parenting, respect

Training our kids to live according to the compass of Reality is difficult.  It is NOT the path of least resistance, to be sure!  It is the nature of kids of all ages, and particularly teens, to fight against the compass of Reality and cling to the compass of Fantasy.  And our postmodern culture can really make this fight a terrific struggle at times.

Recently, my son and I were playing with his alphabet blocks, and he had proudly assembled four letters and proclaimed them to spell “Mars,” as in the red planet beyond Earth.  M-R-A-S, “Mars.”  Uh, Houston, we have a problem!  I rearranged the R and A, telling him he was close, but that this was the correct spelling.  He moved the letters back to his original ordering, and as he sounded out the letters, it was actually understandable why my five year old thought it should be spelled that way.  He was very pleased with himself, and clearly wanted me to share in applauding his spelling prowess.

But because I believed he needed my guidance more than my praise at that moment, I said to my lad, “You know, son, denying reality doesn’t change reality.” He may only be five, so I didn’t expect him to fully grasp this concept, but I believe I need to be working on it with him already at his young age.  My impulse was to just let it go and let him enjoy his moment of pride.  After all, I want him to enjoy spelling, to continue developing this critical life-skill.  By correcting him, I knew I ran the risk of discouraging him, as well as giving him an easy avenue to dislike me for a while.  But my parenting convictions won the battle by reminding me that I do him a disservice by contributing to a false pride in him or by letting my desire for his affection to set the course for my actions.

I was totally unprepared for his response.  “Your reality is not my reality,” my son retorted, rendering me speechless and wondering when Noggin started airing Postmodernism for Preschoolers.  We’ll see how my boy and His Reality do on the spelling quizzes that await him in school in the coming months if he continues clinging to a faulty compass with his postmodern pride.

Postmodernism holds some important keys to living in relationships.  As a marriage and family therapist, I am very grateful for the ways my work has been informed and improved by the postmodern perspectives that have become a part of my view of people and interactions.  Postmodernism is not the enemy, as some so strongly feel these days.  But it certainly infuses some particular challenges into parenting in the 21st century.

And so, if perception is reality, it is incumbent on us as parents to offer our kids experiences that will help them perceive life with compasses of Reality, rather than compasses of Fantasy.  Life is hard.  But with discipline and God’s help, they can learn to succeed in life and flourish in their relationships, finding rich meaning and joy along the journey.

Let me know if you could use some help on your journey!

Tags: compasses, family, parenting