Ever get into a funky place where you seem restless, irritable, and discontent?

Well, I do.  Sometimes for long stretches, I am sad to say.  And I have found that when I get into one of these grouchy seasons, there is one question that lurks at the heart of the murkiness.  It is a terrible question.  A question that drives me, when I let it.  “What is the Matrix?”  No, that’s not it!  Here it is…

“What do I FEEL LIKE DOING right now?”

Sooner or later, living by this question day after day drives me into the ditch.  It is a lame question for any of us to follow, particularly someone with an “addictive personality” like me.  But we all have a sin nature that calls out in various fleshly ways, convincing us that this question is actually a very reasonable approach to life.

It is not.

Far better to guide my actions from day to day with questions such as these…

“What would be good for me to do now?”

“What is God’s will for me today (as best I can tell)?”

“How can I bless someone else?”

And the irony of it is this: When I pursue those things that I feel like doing, I am rarely, if ever contented by them.  But when I am willing to pursue those things that God would have me do to bless others, I find within my self a growing sense of contentment and joy that I am simply not capable of contriving on my own.

Have a great day – bless someone else by doing God’s will!

Sorry about the “S-word” in that video, but he just nailed this issue, so I’m sharing it.  This will be short and sweet…

I am “on” my iPhone too much.  Facebooking mostly.  But also texting, taking silly pictures, and just looking for stuff.  This needs to change.  I am missing out on life.  I am missing out on my wife.  This is ridiculous!  So, here’s the plan, at least as a starting point.

After 9pm, the iPhone goes to the charger and stays outta my hands.  And the one I’m really wrestling with is this one – Don’t get on Facebook unless I have taken the time to either write a meaningful blog post for the day or read something meaningful from a book for at least half an hour.  I don’t want to get legalistic about it.  Believe me – I know what an epic fail that path is for actually solving any kind of heart issues.  Been there, done that.  But I need structure, and this thing needs turning around.  My wife tells me I share too much on Facebook.  True.  Maybe this post is too much.  But I’m thinking some of you can relate and could use an encouragement and a helpful idea.  And you may start finding some helpful stuff on my website again soon.  : ]

#NeedFreedom

I have always loved this classic song by the Byrds, inspired by Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about stress, demands, busyness, self-discipline, entertainment, enjoyment of life and family and work and play, and the intersection of these things.  (Yes, there are always lots of wheels turning inside my noggin.  It’s like a funhouse in here – trust me!)  Today I find myself especially considering the role of electronic gadgetry in the midst of this swirling mix.  I got an i-Phone a couple months or so ago, primarily because there is an app for my online scheduling system, and I hoped it would improve my business efficiency.  Well, it has certainly done that.  My scheduling process has never been smoother for me or my clients!  In addition, I have found this little gizmo to be an immensely helpful tool in many ways – from helping me navigate trips to boosting my enjoyment of amateur photography to assisting me in organizing my overall schedule to providing a handy-dandy light to navigate the toy-infested waters of my son’s room for a late night kiss on his cheek before going to bed.  But the impact on my life doesn’t stop there.  Consider also…

Words With Friends and the Facebook app and just how easy it is now to text like a maniac.  With such powerful distractions just a slide and a tap, tap, tap away, it is easy for my attention, my mind, my spirit, and my life to get seriously out of balance.  Not good.  And I’m a 37 year old man with the Holy Spirit, years of walking with Christ and attempting to live in surrender to the Father’s will, and even a doctorate in studying the role of mass media in family life all to assist me in making wise choices.  Imagine the impact on the fourteen year olds!

And this is not to mention the place of the Wii, XBox, Playstation, laptop computer, internet itself, i-Pad, Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, etc.  And I shudder to consider this new technology with its unprecedented implications.

My point is this.  As parents – as adults – we need to live in view of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.  You know, while we’re at it, let’s go ahead and live in view of all of chapter 3, and might as well throw in Romans 12 for good measure!  All very difficult to do when I am giving my best to an electronic idol.  Ouch, did I really just post that on my website?!!  Our kids need us to be sober-minded, well-balanced guides to show them how to live rightly and humbly before God.  How are we doing?

I’m not even sure where I’m going to go with this post, but I have to write about the experience. My family and I are currently making plans for another Disney World trip. Right now, the primary decisions to made involve rooms – which resort and what type of rooms. As my wife and I were discussing the possibilities, and taking input from our seven year old son, he offered an unexpected twist. We wanted to know if he was more interested in the amenities available at one site over another. He was thinking along another line…

“I know!  I can share a room with Dad, and you can stay with Nana and Memaw, Mom!”

“But I want to stay with my husband, you know.”

“Yes, son, I really look forward to staying with my wife on our vacation time.”

“But this way, you girls can chat about girl stuff, and me and Dad can chat about guy stuff.”

“Oh really!  What kind of stuff were you thinking of?”

“You know!  Mom, you and Nana and Memaw can chat about beautiful stuff.  Dad, you and me can chat about destructive stuff.”

The kid is only seven years old and already has the solid gender constructs that femininity is about beauty and relational celebration, and masculinity is about destruction and explosive power! And it’s funny how this has impacted me as I consider it.  I am very pleased to know he has a clear distinction in his mind about masculinity and femininity, and that he obviously identifies with me (a virtual paragon of masculinity).  And on a very immature, flesh level, it feels good to hear him pick me as his favorite parent.  Look – just keepin it real, okay!

But I want him to understand that true masculinity, at its very best, is FAR more than having the power to destroy.  I am reminded of the scene from “The Lion King” where King Mufasa is talking to his young son, Simba, about what it means to be king.  At one point, Simba cries out, “But don’t kings get their way all the time?!”  To which his father replies, “Simba!  There’s more to being king than getting your way all the time!”  “There’s MORE!” exclaims the eager, yet self-centered lad.  Then Mufasa begins to explain to him the “Great Circle of Life.”

I think my son has just opened up a golden opportunity for me to expound upon his understanding of manhood, and help him catch a vision for a much grander identity and purpose.  I need to tell him and show him how a Real Man uses his strength to bless, lead, encourage, fight, equip, defend, build, and ultimately surrender to God’s greater purposes.  As my buddy, Hans, would say – “Time to man up!”

Let’s start with two fundamental concepts on which I am building this blog post (and the interview I did on WAFB)…

1. Helping kids develop athletic skill and excellence is a good thing, and I believe it is generally a far better gift to them than just buying them more video games, toys, or other stuff.

2. Chances are slim that any of our children will ever be playing pro ball, and most of them will finish their athletic careers in high school.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s huddle up!

1. Rather than focusing too much on scores and W/L records, kids’ sports programs (read parents and coaches) should focus largely on experiencing teamwork, skill development, and character growth.

2. Rather than holding kids to adult expectations, coaches and parents should emphasize the process and victory of progress and growth.

3. Rather than dwelling on individual achievement, team sports should focus on teamwork and interactive encouragement.

4. Rather than consuming family lives and schedules in a stress-battering way, kids’ sports involvement should be a fun way to extend family character development.

5. Bottom line – kids’ sports programs should be a place to assist in the development of healthy, responsible, virtuous adults, and NOT an end unto themselves!

Certainly, the older kids are, and the more experienced the team, the more important it becomes to focus on skills and athleticism.  Granted.  But I still believe the above principles hold true, even throughout middle school and high school sports.

Finally, a couple of examples from my son’s seven year old coaches pitch baseball team.  I LOVED this little moment at their first practice!  At the post-practice huddle, Coach Brad asked the boys if they were doing well in school.  He then asked them specifically if any of them had gotten in trouble in the classroom that week.  Three of them confessed to having “their stars moved” once during the week (apparently, the discipline system used at the school where most of the boys attend).  Coach then proceeded to have the whole team (himself included) do three push ups to impress on them the importance of right behavior in the classroom and the fact that they are a team, on and off the field.  Hats off, Coach Brad!  Coach asked me to sub for him this Thursday, as he will be out of town.  While we are certainly going to be working on fundamental baseball skills, the theme for practice will be Respect.  Showing respect for self by not hanging your head if you make a mistake, respect for coaches (and officials) by obeying and following instructions, respect for teammates by giving your best every play, encouraging them, and being “heads up” between plays, and respect for opposing players by being encouraging rather than ugly.

Play Ball!

- Coach Roger

Picking right up where we left off…

On Sunday morning Chemaine wasn’t feeling well, so Shep and I headed off to church in my truck.  Father-son time with our church family.  Worshiping God, studying His Word, building relationships, good coffee, fun play – should be great!  In the midst of singing and talking with Shep on the ride to church, he somewhat brazenly asserts that, “At least I get some screen time during children’s worship!”

Oh, CRAP!  Hadn’t thought of that!!!  Yes, indeed, Shep’s elementary group in the children’s ministry at church is just getting started good in a new string of lessons based on a video series.  Dad.  Gum.  It.  What to do about the Screen Time hiatus?!?

I dropped the lad off in his Sunday school class (the video time comes next hour), went to my Sunday school class (Sorry, Dr. Steve – “Adult Bible Fellowship”) led by my Eminem-lovin, Facebook eschewing friend, Hans Googer, and then checked with one the children’s worship leaders to ask which part of their service would include the video.  After discussing the situation with Lisa for a couple of minutes, she told me she totally understood and supported our being serious about impressing important character lessons on Shep, and that pretty much their whole class would center around the video (I was considering either bringing him up late, or getting him out early).  Basically, it was going to be all or nothing.

When I got my son from Sunday school and brought him into “big church” with me, as we do every week before the youngins are dismissed to go upstairs for their special worship and lesson time, I honestly had not made up my mind what I was going to do.  In hindsight, I should have called Chemaine and prayed about it, but at the time neither occurred to me.  Shep saw his buddies line up on the front row to watch the youth choir perform a special mini-concert during worship time (GREAT job, guys!), and he wanted to go sit with them.  That’s cool.  Sit on the end, and I’ll sit next to you.  Still positioning, waiting, and considering.  Finally, Shep made my mind up for me with a very smug, “At least I get some screen time during children’s worship!”  Okay, Mr. Big Shot Screen Addict, that’s it!

“No,” I say very quietly and firmly to him.  “You aren’t going upstairs this morning.  You are staying here with me.”  And then I saw Shep set his jaw and speak with more resolute defiance than I knew he had in him.  “Yes, I am.  I AM GOING UPSTAIRS WITH MY FRIENDS!”  And when they announced the dismissal of the kids, and his friends got up, he stood up and looked at me.  “Sit down.”  A glare.  A huff.  Then submission.  Now tears.

He crumpled his body over me, buried his face in my lap, and began softly sobbing.  Cut off from his friends.  Cut off from his precious big screen.  Ouch.  I gently rubbed his back and let him cry it out for several minutes.  When he finally came up for air, I offered to go get his Garfield book out of the truck for him to read during church (It’s a really progressive congregation!), but he very respectfully declined.  Then he grabbed my arm and wrapped it tightly around him self.  A few times during the service, he pulled back to glare at me with a crushed, yet defiant gaze.  But then he would nuzzle in close again, and I would rub his back or shoulder or hair, affirming that I love him, and that my love is motivating my actions even in my “hurtful” decision.  Somehow in the midst of this, I realized I had been moved by The Spirit to teach Shep a powerful lesson about The Father’s love for us.

He cares far more about our character and obedience than he does about the little things that capture the temporary attention of our hearts.  Yes, He delights in giving us good gifts and saying “Yes” to our deepest longings.  But sometimes he withholds these things for a season to free our hearts from our sinful ways or attachments to the things of this world.  And He keeps His loving arm around us, gently speaking love to us through His abiding presence and voice of truth.

And for those of you who think I’m over the top with this screen time punishment…he came home from church and rode his bike without any assistance whatsoever for the very first time!  Coincidence?

(Thanks to my good friend and pastor, Hans Googer, for inspiring me to get back on my blogging horse and ride!)

So, basically I have decided I will just hope someday Shep will either understand the value of me using stories about his life on my blog or find it in his heart to forgive me.  I really do mean it when I say this, as I want him to know someday that I (will) respect him as a man, and I want to share stories such as the following in light of that commitment.  Anyway, without further ado…

So, my son seems to have inherited his Dad’s tendency to place socializing and merriment before work.  I won’t go into my regrets and what a lifetime of struggle this has been for me, but let’s just say I am committed to working with Chemaine and with Shep’s teachers to do all we can to help him turn this ship around sooner, rather than later.  After a few reports from his Montessori school teacher that he was excelling in social connection, while slacking in work product (his work has been excellent – he just hasn’t done much of it), I suggested a plan of motivational support on our part, which my wife and my son’s teacher both supported enthusiastically.  In order to fully appreciate the plan, let’s take a quick side trip.

My son LOVES his screen time!  (I will soon do a post entirely devoted to the subject of screen time.)  Sometimes, I think his priorities are: air, water, food, Wii, other screen time, and then whatever else he can fit in his busy schedule.  You getting what I’m saying here?  THIS BOY LOVES HIS SCREEN TIME!!!  Okay, back to our story…

We decided to put in place a new “deal” wherein Shep must meet a minimum standard of pieces of classwork (it’s a Montessori thing) finished each day at school, if he is to get his standard allotment of one hour of screen time that afternoon/evening.  Upon consultation with his wonderful teacher, we agreed that four pieces of work is a very reasonable standard to expect of him, given his abilities.  After implementing the new plan, we decided three pieces of work would allow him half an hour of screen time.  Anything less than three – no dice, Jack!  He proudly came home the first day and told us about doing SIX pieces of work that day.  “Way to go, dude!  I knew you could do it!  I hope you’re proud of what you did today!”  Over the next few days, the numbers he reported to us ranged from five to three, as I recall.  Then, my wife, who volunteers at our son’s school, decided to take a look at his work report sheet and talk with his teacher about how he was doing, and if the new system seemed to be working.

Turns out the little rascal had lied to us for two days straight, boldly deceiving us by telling us he had done more work than he had truly done.  While I am sad to admit that he also inherited this sinful trait directly from me, God has done much work on me in this department, and I determined not to let shame of my own moral failings keep me from holding my son to God’s standard of honesty and integrity.  Chemaine and I rather calmly (thanks, Hal!) explained from each of our perspectives how and why we were disappointed in his actions, and that we were going to help him learn to live to God’s higher standard.  We also made clear that we love him very much and believe he can do better, so we are going to do our best to help him get there.  And then, we dropped THE BOMB…

NO SCREEN TIME FOR A WEEK!

We have never lowered the boom on him this hard, but we agreed that this time he needed a severe consequence (for a seven year old) to impress upon him how serious we are about him living with integrity in his character, both in his work ethic and in his honest speech.  Slack off and pay.  Tell a lie and pay more.  Slack off and willfully begin a pattern of lies, and pay big time!  This was a painful decision, but Chemaine and I agreed it was the right one to help our lad find the necessary motivation to turn this ship around.  I just thought this was the painful part.  No, indeed!

But it seems I’ve gone on long enough for one post.  I’ll be back tomorrow to tell you what happened on Sunday of No-Screen Week that broke my heart, crushed Shep, and left him crying in my lap during church.

(Thanks to WAFB Channel 9 for inviting me to share this message with their viewers!)

Click here to watch WAFB bullying interview with Dr. Butner

Q. Is bullying becoming a worse problem in our society today?  If so, why?

A. YES!  It is clearly becoming a growing epidemic among us.  I believe the most significant contributing factor is the growing number of communication channels available that allow us to send powerful messages immediately, without taking time to think through our emotion or impulse.  There are two reasons this has given rise to more bullying behavior.  First, such digital communication is viral.  One message sent can quickly be spread to mass numbers of people in ways that were unimaginable to us back when I was a teen in the 80s and early 90s.  Second, such communication channels give an illusion of safe distance where it becomes easy to think of the message simply as fun comments, and not as a direct assault on a real live person.  As we become increasing consumers of digital communication, we will continue to see a rise in bullying, particularly cyber-bullying.

Q. What can we do about this?

A. Parents, teachers, coaches, school administrators, pastors, scout leaders, and the like must commit to a no-tolerance stand against any type of bullying behavior.  In addition to physically aggressive behavior and threatening messages, this includes hurtful name-calling, manipulative pressure tactics, deliberate exclusion and ridicule, etc.  Children and youth need to learn from an early age that the adult leaders of their community are standing together against such foolishness, thoughtlessness, and cruelty.

A. Parents can contact your school administration to find out what is in place to monitor and respond to bullying.  Challenge your school to be proactive and effective in their approach.

A. Parents need to take time to clearly teach and coach our kids in respectful behavior toward others, including face to face, phone conversation, texting, and online formats.  Don’t assume your kids will do the right thing.  Train them to do the right thing!

A. We must watch our own words and actions carefully.  For example, what message are you sending your kids when you scream and cuss at players, coaches, and officials during a football game that isn’t playing out to your liking?  How do you treat other drivers during traffic?  What kind of snarky comments and “likes” are you posting on your own Facebook page?  Any time we use our words and actions to tear down others, we are essentially giving our kids permission to be bullies.

A. Teach victims to respond calmly, rather than reacting emotionally.  Emotional reactions typically “fuel the fire” of bullies, bringing on more of the unwanted behavior.

A. Help victims find genuine strength and self-worth in their abilities and your love.

Q. What are some signs that your child might be the victim of bullying?

A. Sudden lack of interest in social activities.

A. Sudden change in Facebook/MySpace activity (You ARE keeping an eye on your teen’s Facebook/MySpace activity, AREN’T YOU?!!)

A. Lashing out toward siblings, pets, property, etc.

For much more guidance, information, resources, etc, check out Bullying.org

Book Recommendation: “The Wounded Spirit” by Frank Peretti

Men, are you looking to be a better husband?  Improve your marriage?  Improve your wife’s view of you?  Here is a practical tip with huge spiritually transformational power.  Print out the following scriptures on a sheet of paper, laminate it, and put it somewhere you will see every day.  Pick it up daily, pray for God to shape you through His Word, slowly read these verses, and look at your life in this mirror:

• “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”  – Ephesians 5:25-27

• “All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.”  – Song of Solomon 4:7

• “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’  But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”  – Matthew 5:27-28

• “If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death – even death on a cross!  Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”  – Philippians 2:1-11

• “Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.”  – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

• “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”  – James 1:19-20

• “Do everything without complaining or arguing.”  – Philippians 2:14

• “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”  – Ephesians 4:29