HopeForYourFamily

The world class athletes stand on wobbly legs, sweating profusely and wondering when this nightmare drill will end.  Some are doubled over at the goal line, retching, coughing, sputtering, and moaning.  Others have their bodies steeled and upright, but their minds are reeling.  Never in their lives have they experienced this kind of suffering.

Their jerseys declare them to be the 1980 USA hockey team.  Their halfhearted efforts on the ice and boyish comments on the bench have said otherwise tonight.  So here they are, doing line drills on the ice after the Norwegian team, all the fans, and even the rink manager have long since gone home for the night.

“AGAIN!” The whistle blows, and down and back they skate.  “AGAIN!” Another whistle blow.  Another down and back.  “AGAIN!” Down and back. “AGAIN!”  “AGAIN!” Despite the exhaustion of the players’ bodies, the disbelief of the assistant coach, and the protests of the team doctor, Coach Herb Brooks does not relent.  Over and over and over and over, the men skate the agonizing distance from one line to another, back and forth across the punishing ice.  “Back on that line.  Again!” “AGAIN!”  “AGAIN!” When will this madness end?!  Is the coach trying to kill his players?  Has he lost his mind?  Someone make it stop!!!

The rhythm is finally broken by the faltering voice of one of the players, who would eventually become team captain.  “Mike Eruzione…Winthrop, Massachusetts”  “Who do you play for?” “I play for…the United States of America!” “That’s all, gentlemen,” says Coach Brooks in a casual voice, and he turns and walks off the ice.

Do you think these men will EVER forget this lesson?!!

I think not.

Did these men learn their lesson?  Learn to play to their best ability as a team?

Ask the 1980 Soviet team!

Parents, today’s message is for us.  Buckle up.  And watch Disney’s “Miracle” about the 1980 USA hockey team while you’re at it.  It just might help drive home the point.

If we are not willing to allow our children to suffer for foolish choices, laziness, disrespect, and disobedience, then we are not willing to prepare them for life as God has called us to do.  In fact, many times it falls on our shoulders to actually induce the suffering in their lives, in an effort to help them muster the motivation to rise from their waywardness and walk on the right path.

Rewards in life are wonderful, and they can serve as helpful motivators along the way.  But let’s get honest here.  From the cradle to the grave, the life lessons most deeply impressed upon us have most often been etched into our memories by suffering.  When we suffer, we tend to become very motivated and very open to learning a better way.

And so it is with our children, be they 4, 10, 16, or beyond.  Now, I am not telling you that the key to successful parenting is to be cruel and sadistic, reveling in the pain and suffering of your children.  If that is your style, please get in to see me asap, so I can point you on a better way.  What I am telling you is that your children need you to love them enough and be devoted enough to their real, substantial growth of character that you will lovingly use the tool of suffering to guide them toward right living.

Yes, it hurts to see our children suffer.  Especially when they try to manipulate us into believing we are being cruel to them.  But we don’t do them any favors by standing back and watching them take the easier, softer way in life.  Whether they realize it or not, whether they appreciate it or not, whether they temporarily despise us for it or not, they need us to hold them accountable for their actions and see that they suffer enough for their misdeeds to find sufficient motivation to improve their ways and grow.  We must be willing to parent for the long haul, not just for the peace of the moment.

With Hope in Him, Dr. B

“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.”  Proverbs 22:15 (NIV)

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”  Proverbs 14:12 (NIV)

“Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.”  Proverbs 19:18 (NIV)

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”  Romans 5:3-5 (NIV)

Tags: adolescence, character, discipline, leadership, parenting, respect, teaching, teens

John Hall, my colleague and friend at Murphy Toerner and Associates, will be leading this new group beginning on February 4th.

* Thursdays from 7:00 pm to 8:30 pm

* 17170 Perkins Rd, Baton Rouge, LA 70810 (C-K Office Park)

* Please contact John Hall at 225-933-1542 if you are interested in attending, or would like more information.

Tags: character, coming soon..., hope, leadership, manhood, personal responsibility, respect, teaching

Just checking in to share how wonderful it was this morning when I was driving my son to school, and he asked to listen to some music.  He wanted to listen to “The Law and the Prophets,” which is what he calls the song on his Steve Green cd of Scripture songs for kids that is based on Matthew 7:12 – a verse well known to many as “The Golden Rule.”  I cannot fully express how delightful it is to this father’s heart to hear his son joyfully singing about a life of showing love to others in the Way of Christ.

Today is a good day!

With Hope in Him (and hope for him),

Roger

Tags: character, compasses, family, hope, leadership, parenting, the journey

I am increasingly realizing that I have been terribly duped for much of my life.  My flesh has conspired with the American culture of hedonism to raise me on a steady diet of the consideration, “What do I feel like doing?”  Some regular variations include, “What would make me more comfortable?” “What would make me happy?” and “What is easiest?”  Let’s face it, a great deal of the advertising that bombards us on a daily basis is built on these kinds of questions.

And it usually starts very early.  As a parent, I have a tremendous responsibility to train my child in the reality that being led by these flesh-directed considerations will not bring him to fulfillment, joy, and freedom.  No small task, when the millions of mighty voices of our worldly culture are chanting in unison, “Have it your way!”

I am sick of being duped by this insidious lie that my flesh will lead me to contentment.  It never has, and it never will.  God, have mercy on me.  Lord, free me from this self-imposed slavery.  Spirit, lead me in the paths of righteousness.

And so – last night I decided to defy this old way of life.  I checked my schedule for the coming day, and realized I didn’t have to be in the office until late in the day.  “Yes!  A perfect morning for sleeping in!!!  My wife will head to school for the day with our son, leaving me to enjoy the peaceful slumber of an empty house.  Beautiful!” Thus spoke the old familiar voice of Comfort.  And then another voice spoke within me.  A voice more removed, and yet, somehow more intimate.  “You don’t need more sleep.  Your son does need more time with you, though.  And, haven’t you been seeking to cultivate a life of greater discipline?”

Okay, Lord, you guide my steps.  And, so I said, “Hey son.  How about if I drive you to school tomorrow?  Would that be cool?”  So this morning, I got up “early,” led my son through his morning tasks, and drove him to school.  And not that there is always an immediate, tangible reward for following the voice of God rather than the voice of Comfort, but today there was.  As we sat in the car line, waiting for his teacher to bring him to his classroom, we discovered he had his first loose tooth.  It was a wonderful moment of growth and mystery and creation and relationship.  A moment I would have missed if my lazy bum had been lying in bed, slumbering to the soothing melodies of Comfort.

Tags: character, compasses, discipline, family, freedom, manhood, parenting, personal responsibility, the journey

Parenting Toward Character Goals – Installment Two:

Which person do you prefer – the considerate or inconsiderate individual?  With which person are you more at ease and more likely to share openly and honestly – the one who pays attention to you and proactively thinks of things that may bless you or the one who is so wrapped up in self that you begin to wonder if they even notice you are still there?

Not exactly a tough call, is it?  We all prefer spending time with considerate people.  People who are willing to make the effort to notice us and reach out to us and respect our choices and sometimes even sacrifice their own preferences to honor ours.  These are people who bless us.  We feel filled up and lifted up and encouraged and empowered when considerate people touch our lives in some way.  They add value to us and to our journey.

Inconsiderate people have the opposite effect.  They tend to drain us, and may really frustrate or irritate us.  Rather than eagerly anticipating our time with them, we are more likely to brace ourselves to endure our time with them.

Which camp would you like to see your child in?  Again, not a tough choice, right?  So, what are you doing to lead your son or daughter there?

And I can tell you right now – if you regularly cater to your child’s preferences and demands, doing your best to make the daily environment around your daughter or son just the way she/he wants it to be – you aren’t shaping a considerate individual.  You are helping to create yet another self-absorbed, inconsiderate individual to join in the competitive struggle of “looking out for number one.”  Let me know how that works out for you.  Or, more importantly – for your son or daughter.

Am I saying you should stop doing things for your child that he/she wants and enjoys, and turn into some cold, callous parent whose aim is to prepare that child for the harshness of a world that doesn’t care?  No, that’s not it.  Simply this.  The two most powerful ways to lead your kids toward becoming loved and cherished by others as considerate individuals are to resist the impulse to revolve the world around them and cater to their every whim, and to model consideration by practicing it in your own life.  We don’t always get our way in life, and kids do well to learn this early from Mom and Dad.  But this need not be a dreary fact.  Help them discover the joy of willingly, proactively embracing opportunities to put others first and serve them through simple gestures and sacrifices of consideration.

Tune in next time for tips on fostering the virtue of honesty in your children.

Tags: character, friends, parenting, respect

Here is the link to my Parenting 101 interview with Matt Williams regarding leading your kids toward character goals this year.

Tags: character, coming soon..., media, movies, parenting

For the first installment in the series on parenting your kids toward character development, let’s begin with a virtue which has been in short supply for some time now in American culture.  Ironically, the ongoing economic recession should provide the perfect context in which parents can lead our kids in cultivating this critical life skill.

Centuries ago, a man of seasoned wisdom and character penned the following words to a young man he was privileged to mentor:

“But godliness with contentment is great gain.  For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.”  (1 Timothy 5:6-7)

Well said, Paul!

We Americans live in a time and place where one of the most commonly used indicators to assess the well-being of our nation is how much stuff we are buying.  “Buy more stuff!  Boost the economy.  Keep our nation strong.  Besides, more is always better.  I mean, you aren’t really content with that old stuff you’ve already got, are you?  You need more.  You need new and improved.  Consume.  Covet.  Contentment will never get you ahead, and it sure won’t help our recession!  Happiness waits at the Stuff-Mart.  All you really need is lots more stuff.”

Thanks to the gang at VeggieTales for those last two lines from a fantastic video entitled, “Madame Blueberry.” For those with children between about 5 and 9, this will be a fun and very on-target way to help your children cultivate the character of contentment.  While you’re at it, you might as well throw “King George and the Ducky” into the mix.  While these two videos were intentionally created to illustrate the importance of contentment to youngsters, there are plenty of other entertainment choices that can be utilized in your character-building arsenal.

So many of the popular video/computer/online games involve a continual pursuit of accumulating more stuff – be it points or powers or coins or whatever.  What a great opportunity to ask your kids how they will know when they have enough and what it feels like to continually believe they do not yet have enough!  You may be amazed at the conversations this opens up with your teenager.  Give it a shot.  Keep at it.  In fact, working hard with your teen or pre-teen now on cultivating the discipline of deep contentment can actually go a long way toward keeping them from such pitfalls as pornography, addiction, and crime.

And, despite the ages of your kids, entertainment selections need not be all about the virtue of contentment (or whichever virtue is your goal) to prove useful as a tool of engagement and growth.  Pay attention to the movies and shows they are watching.  Okay, important side note.  I really hope you are paying attention to the movies and shows they are watching, already, because these selections are molding your children.  Now, as I was saying – look for scenes, situations, or characters in the story that demonstrate the significance of living with contentment.  Keep in mind, the virtue can be just as powerfully illustrated by showing its presence or its absence in a given situation or individual or group.

Books offer another excellent opportunity for developing character.  Take some time to look around at a bookstore or online.  Be intentional.  Buy a couple of books that specifically illustrate the power of contentment at an age-appropriate level.  Challenge older kids to write a book report.

You may want to begin setting the stage for Christmas early this year, by beginning to talk with your kids about working together to find someone else whose lives you want to bless with gifts this year.  Give them a chance to practice a hands-on lesson in contentment, sacrifice, and service – all at the same time.  And if you want to discover ways to develop other such virtues and character goals, keep checking back here for further installments in this series over the next couple of weeks.

Time to sign off.  I think they’re running some great deals on Overstock.com…

Tags: books, character, culture, movies, parenting