I just found out about this book and author yesterday, so I have not yet read it.  However, she has my attention, and I want to bring her to yours.  Here is her website. I will keep you posted on what I discover.  For now, here is the book summary:

“Based on the National Study of Youth and Religion—the same invaluable data as its predecessor, Soul Searching: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers — Kenda Creasy Dean’s compelling new book, Almost Christian, investigates why American teenagers are at once so positive about Christianity and at the same time so apathetic about genuine religious practice.

In Soul Searching, Christian Smith and Melinda Lundquist Denton found that American teenagers have embraced a “Moralistic Therapeutic Deism”–a hodgepodge of banal, self-serving, feel-good beliefs that bears little resemblance to traditional Christianity. But far from faulting teens, Dean places the blame for this theological watering down squarely on the churches themselves. Instead of proclaiming a God who calls believers to lives of love, service and sacrifice, churches offer instead a bargain religion, easy to use, easy to forget, offering little and demanding less. But what is to be done? In order to produce ardent young Christians, Dean argues, churches must rediscover their sense of mission and model an understanding of being Christian as not something you do for yourself, but something that calls you to share God’s love, in word and deed, with others. Dean found that the most committed young Christians shared four important traits: they could tell a personal and powerful story about God; they belonged to a significant faith community; they exhibited a sense of vocation; and they possessed a profound sense of hope. Based on these findings, Dean proposes an approach to Christian education that places the idea of mission at its core and offers a wealth of concrete suggestions for inspiring teens to live more authentically engaged Christian lives.

Persuasively and accessibly written, Almost Christian is a wake up call no one concerned about the future of Christianity in America can afford to ignore.”

(Based on my 8/31 WAFB Parenting 101 interview)

When is the right age to start talking with your kids about drugs and alcohol?

• Whenever a situation presents itself, whether in “real life” or on screen, where the subject of alcohol or drugs makes sense to discuss. In fact, “Intervention” on A&E is a fantastic resource for parents to utilize in teaching your kids about where the abuse of drugs and alcohol can lead.  Set your DVR to record the show regularly, then find an episode or two that you feel comfortable using as an illustration and conversation guide.
• If your child makes it to middle school without you having shared a few direct, specific talks along these lines, YOU ARE LATE AND NEED TO CATCH UP NOW!!!

What are some important things to do in talking with our kids about alcohol and drugs?

• Be honest with them. If you really want to protect and empower your children to the fullest, so they are well equipped to make wise choices in this area of life, show them the respect of telling the truth.
• Be specific with them. “Drugs are dangerous” may be a good starting point for a seven year old, but at some point you need to tell them and show them what are the particular risks of using/abusing inhalants, opiates, marijuana, alcohol, prescription pills, etc.
• Invite them to ask questions. Sure, they may stump you with an unexpected zinger.  Big deal!  Find the answer together, empowering them and building your relationship in the process.
• Share any lessons you have learned “the hard way.” Yes, you should use age-appropriate judgment in how much detail you share with your kids, but their are few lessons that will get their attention like the ones where their parents made mistakes and paid a price for it.

What are some important things NOT to do in talking with our kids about drugs and alcohol?

• Make big threats. Telling your kids they will be grounded for a year or sent to boot camp or on God’s permanent Naughty List if they ever drink or use drugs will not be helpful to them at all, and may increase their likelihood of indulging in the “secret forbidden fruit” syndrome – hiding their struggles from you and the world.  Not good!
• Go to extremes of exaggeration or avoidance. Again, this is disempowering and not at all helpful, as it does not help ground and equip them in reality.  And drugs and alcohol are very real, let me assure you.
• Scare them into never talking to you again. So, you feel scared or uneasy about discussing this stuff with your kids.  GET OVER IT!  They NEED you to be calm and confident as you discuss the realities of alcohol and drug use and abuse with them.

Where can parents get help if you are concerned your child/teen may have a problem with alcohol or drugs?

• Alcoholics Anonymous World Services Baton Rouge AA Central Office (225-381-9609 in Baton Rouge)
• Al-Anon / Alateen Family Groups Al-Anon in Louisiana (225-924-0029 in Baton Rouge)
• Narcotics Anonymous World Services Louisiana Region NA (225-381-9609 in Baton Rouge)
• Tau Center for Chemical Dependency (225-765-8900 a great local resource for the Baton Rouge area)
• Teen Challenge USA (Christian treatment for alcoholism and addiction for all ages at sites throughout the country)
• Call me at 225-333-1582 or email me at roger@hopeforyourfamily.com or contact another local mental health professional with experience working with teens, families, and alcohol/drug issues (Always feel free to call and ask mental health professionals about their training and experience before scheduling any appointments).

I will never forget the tension and anxiety that permeated my house and family as I crossed the bridge from ignorance to knowledge regarding the fundamentals of sex.  Let me take you on a quick trip back to this poignant memory in my life.

I was in the fifth grade at a private Christian school.  Our school’s approach to sex education was to set aside one afternoon each year for the fifth and sixth grade guys and the fifth and sixth grade girls to meet together with a teacher of their own gender to watch a cartoon about the basic purposes, biology, mechanics, and functions of human sex and to spend time in Q & A / discussion about it.  In order to participate in the video viewing and discussion, students had to get their parents to sign a consent form and return it to the school.  No big deal, right?  Well, depends on your personality and your family dynamics.

I sensed immediately this was something that would be unpleasant at best, and should probably be avoided at all costs.  Somehow I had gotten the clear message that issues of sexuality were taboo in our household.  And I complied with all my might!  I brought that consent form home and silently laid it on the kitchen counter, hoping and praying my parents would sign it and leave it for me to return without having to face the terrifying awkwardness of this unknown conversational territory with them.  Well, my folks signed it an left it there for me without comment or question.  AFTER LEAVING IT SITTING SILENTLY ON THAT KITCHEN COUNTER FOR A WHOLE WEEK!  I think simple breathing was difficult that week.  The only two things that changed the next year were I spent more time in anticipatory worry and my parents signed the paper the first night.

I don’t know for sure how or when I will face this issue with my son.  And I’m sure I won’t get it all right.  But I’m sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that I won’t do it the way my folks did.  Oh yeah, there was also that time in the third or fourth grade when I asked my Dad out in our country backyard why the roosters were always attacking the hens, and he replied, “They’re making love, Son.”  Okay, Dad – check!

My point is not to vilify my parents or rake them over the coals.  My Mom may very well end up reading this post, and I wrestled with whether or not to share it.  I decided to share it with you because I think it typifies the kind of anxiety that so often keeps parents from having The Tough Talks with their kids in a purposeful, effective, and helpful manner.  After you finish laughing at me and my family (don’t be too hard on us – we all have our goofy stuff), you may find your self still unsure about how to have The Tough Talks with your own kids.  If so, I won’t laugh at you, but I will offer the following for your consideration and implementation.

• Being uncomfortable talking to your kids about sex, alcohol, drugs, morals, divorce, etc is perfectly okay.  As long as you are willing to take a breath, say a prayer, and have the Tough Talks anyway.  Be a Nike parent.  JUST DO IT!
• Remember how much is at stake for your child.  Consider their chances of successfully navigating these waters without an experienced someone courageously showing them the way.  Consider where they may get their direction, if not from you.  Keep it in perspective.
• Practice saying the really hard stuff before you actually talk with your child.  Practice saying the really important stuff before you actually talk with your child.  Practice it with your spouse.  Practice it with a friend.  The more you practice saying the really hard/important stuff, the more you can get comfortable with the words and the greater your chances of getting them out at least halfway right with your kids.  Practice makes possible.
• Prep your child for The Tough Talk by having her/him read an assigned book, article, or manual before the conversation.  Equip your child for The Tough Talk. (By the way, my parents did get me a copy of “Preparing for Adolescents” by James Dobson at some point in there.)
• Prep your self, and maybe your child as well, with a movie that leads into the topic or inspires you to step up and lead courageously.  Movies and TV shows can provide some rich life-material ripe for thoughtful and meaningful conversation, if you will take the time to notice it, select it, and seize the moment.  Use entertainment media to your advantage.
• Start by discussing the level of discomfort in your self, and invite your child to do the same.  Once you have acknowledged the elephant in the living room, you will be more comfortable to go ahead with the guts of The Tough Talk.  Laugh at your discomfort!
• For crying out loud, don’t try to do this all alone or reinvent the wheel!  Ask your friends or trusted family members how they crossed this particular bridge (or similar ones).  Whether the stories you hear supply you with How-To or How-Not-To, you will be better equipped and less anxious when you step out on that bridge to lead your child across previously uncharted waters.  Ask friends for their stories.

I sincerely hope this is helpful in your quest to courageously, lovingly, and effectively lead your child through the challenging waters of life as you share The Tough Talks together.  I will be posting follow-up articles with specific tips for specific topics in the coming weeks and months, as I continue presenting my series of Having The Tough Talks on my Parenting 101 interview segment on WAFB at 6:15ish am the last Tuesday of the month.

I work with teens and their families on a regular basis.  As you can imagine, the issue of various forms of drug abuse and other addictions is a common topic in my office.  Parents have various levels of awareness of the presence and threat of drugs such as alcohol, marijuana, amphetamine, meth, crack, and the like.  However, one popular and potentially deadly drug is one that few parents have on their radar, and can be easily accessible and extremely difficult to detect in the system.  I just watched a special episode of A & E’s “Intervention” (one of the finest shows on television!) about “huffing”/”dusting” and I saw the story about the following family.  I will let this father share his story with you in his own words.  Perhaps you have read this in an email forward.  Somehow, hearing the man and his family tell their story on “Intervention” made it really come to life for me.  While this teen died from inhaling computer duster, others are threatening their lives with various other chemical inhalants from gasoline fumes to household cleaners.  I realize this post may annoy some folks who don’t want to read “email forwards” on a professional blog.  That’s fine – I don’t really care.  If this post saves one life, it will have been worth the annoyance to others.  Here is Kyle’s story, as told by his father, Jeff:

I am rebooting the start date for the upcoming group I will be leading here in Baton Rouge.  I hate that there is such a need for this kind of group, but I have learned that the ugliness of reality is better faced than avoided.  I am doing what I can to face this particular painful reality and equip teens and their families with tools to overcome it in their lives.  Please do what you can to support this group by praying for us and sharing the word as you have opportunity.

Alternatives to Cutting for Teens (A.C.T.)

A psycho-educational group for male and female teens who want to stop self-injuring.

NEW START DATE!  June 1, 2010

7:00-8:30 pm on Tuesday evenings

Group runs for 10 weeks (through August 3)

- Space is limited to 12 participants -

$50/session or prepay total for $450

Murphy Toerner and Associates

C-K Office Park

Conference Room A (front building)

17170 Perkins Rd

Baton Rouge, LA 70810

Pre-registration is required to ensure participation.

Contact Dr. Butner for registration or further information (225-333-1582 or Roger@hopeforyourfamily.com )

- Ask about the 5-week group for parents! -

If you have not yet heard about the success of Urban Prep Academy in Chicago, check this out!  Hats off to these young men and the educators who have believed in them and called them out and up.

The world class athletes stand on wobbly legs, sweating profusely and wondering when this nightmare drill will end.  Some are doubled over at the goal line, retching, coughing, sputtering, and moaning.  Others have their bodies steeled and upright, but their minds are reeling.  Never in their lives have they experienced this kind of suffering.

Their jerseys declare them to be the 1980 USA hockey team.  Their halfhearted efforts on the ice and boyish comments on the bench have said otherwise tonight.  So here they are, doing line drills on the ice after the Norwegian team, all the fans, and even the rink manager have long since gone home for the night.

“AGAIN!” The whistle blows, and down and back they skate.  “AGAIN!” Another whistle blow.  Another down and back.  “AGAIN!” Down and back. “AGAIN!”  “AGAIN!” Despite the exhaustion of the players’ bodies, the disbelief of the assistant coach, and the protests of the team doctor, Coach Herb Brooks does not relent.  Over and over and over and over, the men skate the agonizing distance from one line to another, back and forth across the punishing ice.  “Back on that line.  Again!” “AGAIN!”  “AGAIN!” When will this madness end?!  Is the coach trying to kill his players?  Has he lost his mind?  Someone make it stop!!!

The rhythm is finally broken by the faltering voice of one of the players, who would eventually become team captain.  “Mike Eruzione…Winthrop, Massachusetts”  “Who do you play for?” “I play for…the United States of America!” “That’s all, gentlemen,” says Coach Brooks in a casual voice, and he turns and walks off the ice.

Do you think these men will EVER forget this lesson?!!

I think not.

Did these men learn their lesson?  Learn to play to their best ability as a team?

Ask the 1980 Soviet team!

Parents, today’s message is for us.  Buckle up.  And watch Disney’s “Miracle” about the 1980 USA hockey team while you’re at it.  It just might help drive home the point.

If we are not willing to allow our children to suffer for foolish choices, laziness, disrespect, and disobedience, then we are not willing to prepare them for life as God has called us to do.  In fact, many times it falls on our shoulders to actually induce the suffering in their lives, in an effort to help them muster the motivation to rise from their waywardness and walk on the right path.

Rewards in life are wonderful, and they can serve as helpful motivators along the way.  But let’s get honest here.  From the cradle to the grave, the life lessons most deeply impressed upon us have most often been etched into our memories by suffering.  When we suffer, we tend to become very motivated and very open to learning a better way.

And so it is with our children, be they 4, 10, 16, or beyond.  Now, I am not telling you that the key to successful parenting is to be cruel and sadistic, reveling in the pain and suffering of your children.  If that is your style, please get in to see me asap, so I can point you on a better way.  What I am telling you is that your children need you to love them enough and be devoted enough to their real, substantial growth of character that you will lovingly use the tool of suffering to guide them toward right living.

Yes, it hurts to see our children suffer.  Especially when they try to manipulate us into believing we are being cruel to them.  But we don’t do them any favors by standing back and watching them take the easier, softer way in life.  Whether they realize it or not, whether they appreciate it or not, whether they temporarily despise us for it or not, they need us to hold them accountable for their actions and see that they suffer enough for their misdeeds to find sufficient motivation to improve their ways and grow.  We must be willing to parent for the long haul, not just for the peace of the moment.

With Hope in Him, Dr. B

“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.”  Proverbs 22:15 (NIV)

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”  Proverbs 14:12 (NIV)

“Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.”  Proverbs 19:18 (NIV)

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”  Romans 5:3-5 (NIV)

How do I want to improve my life this year?  How have I let my self (or others) down this year?  What am I really ready to surrender this year?  What part of my life has brought me to a breaking point?  How do I want to make a difference this year?  What does my family need from me this year?

The list could go on and on.  Christmas is over and the New Year approaches.  As waistlines and credit card bills expand, our minds move to that great annual enigma – New Year’s Resolutions.

Well, if you are looking to bring some real transformation to your family this year; if you want to really improve your relationships with your kids; if you know the time has come for you to step up and lead your home in a healthier direction, you may just be amazed at the power you will unleash as you face these three simple questions every evening.  Perhaps you could write them on a card and tape them to your bathroom mirror:

1. Did I give enough healthy touch today? (The presence of ongoing healthy touch is one of the most powerful tools a parent can use to impart value, hope, and direction into the life of a child.  Please invest wisely and lavishly!)

2. Did I listen enough today? (Sure, we want our children to listen to us and respect us.  But please don’t forget – “Kids don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care!”)

3. Did I honor my word today? (Part of this challenge is to be honest with our kids, and not deceitful.  However, the greater challenge may be carrying through on our warnings of correction and discipline.  Empty threats will always steer our kids in the wrong direction – they are not neutral.  Children need parents to consistently enforce their rules to prepare them for life.)

And remember that life can only be lived and changes can only be made ONE DAY AT A TIME.

- Homework is the student’s responsibility, NOT the parent’s!

- Parents CANNOT control kids’ choices (about homework or anything else).

- Parents CAN control consequences.

- Keep school performance expectations reasonable.

- Provide reasonable suffering to induce motivation.

- Canceling text messaging is a great motivator for teens!

Enjoy, be at peace, and be blessed.