I have always loved this classic song by the Byrds, inspired by Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about stress, demands, busyness, self-discipline, entertainment, enjoyment of life and family and work and play, and the intersection of these things.  (Yes, there are always lots of wheels turning inside my noggin.  It’s like a funhouse in here – trust me!)  Today I find myself especially considering the role of electronic gadgetry in the midst of this swirling mix.  I got an i-Phone a couple months or so ago, primarily because there is an app for my online scheduling system, and I hoped it would improve my business efficiency.  Well, it has certainly done that.  My scheduling process has never been smoother for me or my clients!  In addition, I have found this little gizmo to be an immensely helpful tool in many ways – from helping me navigate trips to boosting my enjoyment of amateur photography to assisting me in organizing my overall schedule to providing a handy-dandy light to navigate the toy-infested waters of my son’s room for a late night kiss on his cheek before going to bed.  But the impact on my life doesn’t stop there.  Consider also…

Words With Friends and the Facebook app and just how easy it is now to text like a maniac.  With such powerful distractions just a slide and a tap, tap, tap away, it is easy for my attention, my mind, my spirit, and my life to get seriously out of balance.  Not good.  And I’m a 37 year old man with the Holy Spirit, years of walking with Christ and attempting to live in surrender to the Father’s will, and even a doctorate in studying the role of mass media in family life all to assist me in making wise choices.  Imagine the impact on the fourteen year olds!

And this is not to mention the place of the Wii, XBox, Playstation, laptop computer, internet itself, i-Pad, Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, etc.  And I shudder to consider this new technology with its unprecedented implications.

My point is this.  As parents – as adults – we need to live in view of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.  You know, while we’re at it, let’s go ahead and live in view of all of chapter 3, and might as well throw in Romans 12 for good measure!  All very difficult to do when I am giving my best to an electronic idol.  Ouch, did I really just post that on my website?!!  Our kids need us to be sober-minded, well-balanced guides to show them how to live rightly and humbly before God.  How are we doing?

Here’s a little Christmas idea for your kids this year…give them the gift of limits on their screen time.

Don’t expect them to jump for joy and sing your praises as if you just bought them the latest greatest video game.  But then, good parenting isn’t all about having our kids sing our praises, is it?  Here are some suggestions for establishing healthy screen time limits in your home:

1. Include all screens in “screen-time” rules and limits (TV, computer, video games, movies, even cell phone apps).  Let them decide which screen is most important to them on a given day.  Giving them this opportunity for making priority choices is a great way to help them grow an important life-skill.

2. Have regular limits on screen-time as a proactive measure – not just for punishment.

3. Take away portions of screen-time for punishment to maximize effectiveness.  Cutting that Wii time in half is sometimes more painful (effective) than taking it away completely.  Depending on the infraction, we cut our son’s screen-time out by three minute, five minute, half hour, and screen-type (no Wii, but internet is still on, etc) increments.  He only loses future screen-time if he has gone WAY out of bounds on a big issue like respect.

4. Be more rigid on school nights and more flexible on weekends, vacation time, etc.

5. Always be ready to offer positive alternatives to screen-time.  Playing catch outside, working a puzzle, playing a board game, reading a book, riding a bike – the sky’s the limit!

6. Set time limits based on age and other reasonable factors.  For example, we give our soon-to-be 7 year old an hour of screen-time on weeknights and leave it fairly open-ended on weekends.  We allow him “extra” screen-time during weekends because he is an only child, and we try to be realistic about that.  Also, you will have to make reasonable allowances for school-required screen time online.

7. Be in charge.  If you cave in to your child’s whines, manipulations, and complaints on a regular basis, you are letting them be in charge, and cheating them of your leadership.

8. Sprinkle grace into your disciplined structure.  Now and then, we let our son have extra screen-time “just because.”  Also, we don’t have a set system for earning more screen-time, but are willing to give him a bump at times when he has done something outstanding.  It’s always a big hit, and helps him realize we are not simply looking for ways to limit his fun.

9. Be as engaged in your child’s screen-time as possible.  Know what they are into, be present with them while using their screen-time as often as you can, and talk with them about what they like and what they think about what they are taking in via the screen.

10. Have reasonable screen-time limits in your own life.  If you tank this one, the first nine points won’t work too well for your family.

Merry Christmas and Happy Screen-Time to you and your family from Dr. Butner!

Really?

REALLY?!!

Alright, this one is going to kick some shins and draw some backlash, but that’s how I roll.  Before you rush out to pick out a cell phone for your pre-teen, ask your self a few simple questions:

1. How old were you when you got your first cell phone?  (Why is that such a ludicrous question?!!)

2. What kind of horrible places are you sending your kid where they really need this kind of instantaneous emergency access?

3. Why do you think they can’t easily find another way to contact you?

4. Have you taken time to REALLY PREPARE your child for the tons of new choices she or he will have to make with this technological marvel strapped to their hip?

5. What has your child done to prove his or her trustworthiness with this much tremendous responsibility?

6. Have you considered how much responsibility this is bestowing?  (texting, sexting, porn, Facebook, Twitter, forums, approximately 4.3 bazillion apps, etc)

7. Have you read this article yet?

8. Is your preteen really ready for this?  Are you?

And if you REALLY want to take some time to mull this over, put on a pot of coffee and check out this presentation by the wonderful Kaiser Family Foundation.

Just some food for thought…

I just found out about this book and author yesterday, so I have not yet read it.  However, she has my attention, and I want to bring her to yours.  Here is her website. I will keep you posted on what I discover.  For now, here is the book summary:

“Based on the National Study of Youth and Religion—the same invaluable data as its predecessor, Soul Searching: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers — Kenda Creasy Dean’s compelling new book, Almost Christian, investigates why American teenagers are at once so positive about Christianity and at the same time so apathetic about genuine religious practice.

In Soul Searching, Christian Smith and Melinda Lundquist Denton found that American teenagers have embraced a “Moralistic Therapeutic Deism”–a hodgepodge of banal, self-serving, feel-good beliefs that bears little resemblance to traditional Christianity. But far from faulting teens, Dean places the blame for this theological watering down squarely on the churches themselves. Instead of proclaiming a God who calls believers to lives of love, service and sacrifice, churches offer instead a bargain religion, easy to use, easy to forget, offering little and demanding less. But what is to be done? In order to produce ardent young Christians, Dean argues, churches must rediscover their sense of mission and model an understanding of being Christian as not something you do for yourself, but something that calls you to share God’s love, in word and deed, with others. Dean found that the most committed young Christians shared four important traits: they could tell a personal and powerful story about God; they belonged to a significant faith community; they exhibited a sense of vocation; and they possessed a profound sense of hope. Based on these findings, Dean proposes an approach to Christian education that places the idea of mission at its core and offers a wealth of concrete suggestions for inspiring teens to live more authentically engaged Christian lives.

Persuasively and accessibly written, Almost Christian is a wake up call no one concerned about the future of Christianity in America can afford to ignore.”

(Based on my 8/31 WAFB Parenting 101 interview)

When is the right age to start talking with your kids about drugs and alcohol?

• Whenever a situation presents itself, whether in “real life” or on screen, where the subject of alcohol or drugs makes sense to discuss. In fact, “Intervention” on A&E is a fantastic resource for parents to utilize in teaching your kids about where the abuse of drugs and alcohol can lead.  Set your DVR to record the show regularly, then find an episode or two that you feel comfortable using as an illustration and conversation guide.
• If your child makes it to middle school without you having shared a few direct, specific talks along these lines, YOU ARE LATE AND NEED TO CATCH UP NOW!!!

What are some important things to do in talking with our kids about alcohol and drugs?

• Be honest with them. If you really want to protect and empower your children to the fullest, so they are well equipped to make wise choices in this area of life, show them the respect of telling the truth.
• Be specific with them. “Drugs are dangerous” may be a good starting point for a seven year old, but at some point you need to tell them and show them what are the particular risks of using/abusing inhalants, opiates, marijuana, alcohol, prescription pills, etc.
• Invite them to ask questions. Sure, they may stump you with an unexpected zinger.  Big deal!  Find the answer together, empowering them and building your relationship in the process.
• Share any lessons you have learned “the hard way.” Yes, you should use age-appropriate judgment in how much detail you share with your kids, but their are few lessons that will get their attention like the ones where their parents made mistakes and paid a price for it.

What are some important things NOT to do in talking with our kids about drugs and alcohol?

• Make big threats. Telling your kids they will be grounded for a year or sent to boot camp or on God’s permanent Naughty List if they ever drink or use drugs will not be helpful to them at all, and may increase their likelihood of indulging in the “secret forbidden fruit” syndrome – hiding their struggles from you and the world.  Not good!
• Go to extremes of exaggeration or avoidance. Again, this is disempowering and not at all helpful, as it does not help ground and equip them in reality.  And drugs and alcohol are very real, let me assure you.
• Scare them into never talking to you again. So, you feel scared or uneasy about discussing this stuff with your kids.  GET OVER IT!  They NEED you to be calm and confident as you discuss the realities of alcohol and drug use and abuse with them.

Where can parents get help if you are concerned your child/teen may have a problem with alcohol or drugs?

• Alcoholics Anonymous World Services Baton Rouge AA Central Office (225-381-9609 in Baton Rouge)
• Al-Anon / Alateen Family Groups Al-Anon in Louisiana (225-924-0029 in Baton Rouge)
• Narcotics Anonymous World Services Louisiana Region NA (225-381-9609 in Baton Rouge)
• Tau Center for Chemical Dependency (225-765-8900 a great local resource for the Baton Rouge area)
• Teen Challenge USA (Christian treatment for alcoholism and addiction for all ages at sites throughout the country)
• Call me at 225-333-1582 or email me at roger@hopeforyourfamily.com or contact another local mental health professional with experience working with teens, families, and alcohol/drug issues (Always feel free to call and ask mental health professionals about their training and experience before scheduling any appointments).

I will never forget the tension and anxiety that permeated my house and family as I crossed the bridge from ignorance to knowledge regarding the fundamentals of sex.  Let me take you on a quick trip back to this poignant memory in my life.

I was in the fifth grade at a private Christian school.  Our school’s approach to sex education was to set aside one afternoon each year for the fifth and sixth grade guys and the fifth and sixth grade girls to meet together with a teacher of their own gender to watch a cartoon about the basic purposes, biology, mechanics, and functions of human sex and to spend time in Q & A / discussion about it.  In order to participate in the video viewing and discussion, students had to get their parents to sign a consent form and return it to the school.  No big deal, right?  Well, depends on your personality and your family dynamics.

I sensed immediately this was something that would be unpleasant at best, and should probably be avoided at all costs.  Somehow I had gotten the clear message that issues of sexuality were taboo in our household.  And I complied with all my might!  I brought that consent form home and silently laid it on the kitchen counter, hoping and praying my parents would sign it and leave it for me to return without having to face the terrifying awkwardness of this unknown conversational territory with them.  Well, my folks signed it an left it there for me without comment or question.  AFTER LEAVING IT SITTING SILENTLY ON THAT KITCHEN COUNTER FOR A WHOLE WEEK!  I think simple breathing was difficult that week.  The only two things that changed the next year were I spent more time in anticipatory worry and my parents signed the paper the first night.

I don’t know for sure how or when I will face this issue with my son.  And I’m sure I won’t get it all right.  But I’m sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that I won’t do it the way my folks did.  Oh yeah, there was also that time in the third or fourth grade when I asked my Dad out in our country backyard why the roosters were always attacking the hens, and he replied, “They’re making love, Son.”  Okay, Dad – check!

My point is not to vilify my parents or rake them over the coals.  My Mom may very well end up reading this post, and I wrestled with whether or not to share it.  I decided to share it with you because I think it typifies the kind of anxiety that so often keeps parents from having The Tough Talks with their kids in a purposeful, effective, and helpful manner.  After you finish laughing at me and my family (don’t be too hard on us – we all have our goofy stuff), you may find your self still unsure about how to have The Tough Talks with your own kids.  If so, I won’t laugh at you, but I will offer the following for your consideration and implementation.

• Being uncomfortable talking to your kids about sex, alcohol, drugs, morals, divorce, etc is perfectly okay.  As long as you are willing to take a breath, say a prayer, and have the Tough Talks anyway.  Be a Nike parent.  JUST DO IT!
• Remember how much is at stake for your child.  Consider their chances of successfully navigating these waters without an experienced someone courageously showing them the way.  Consider where they may get their direction, if not from you.  Keep it in perspective.
• Practice saying the really hard stuff before you actually talk with your child.  Practice saying the really important stuff before you actually talk with your child.  Practice it with your spouse.  Practice it with a friend.  The more you practice saying the really hard/important stuff, the more you can get comfortable with the words and the greater your chances of getting them out at least halfway right with your kids.  Practice makes possible.
• Prep your child for The Tough Talk by having her/him read an assigned book, article, or manual before the conversation.  Equip your child for The Tough Talk. (By the way, my parents did get me a copy of “Preparing for Adolescents” by James Dobson at some point in there.)
• Prep your self, and maybe your child as well, with a movie that leads into the topic or inspires you to step up and lead courageously.  Movies and TV shows can provide some rich life-material ripe for thoughtful and meaningful conversation, if you will take the time to notice it, select it, and seize the moment.  Use entertainment media to your advantage.
• Start by discussing the level of discomfort in your self, and invite your child to do the same.  Once you have acknowledged the elephant in the living room, you will be more comfortable to go ahead with the guts of The Tough Talk.  Laugh at your discomfort!
• For crying out loud, don’t try to do this all alone or reinvent the wheel!  Ask your friends or trusted family members how they crossed this particular bridge (or similar ones).  Whether the stories you hear supply you with How-To or How-Not-To, you will be better equipped and less anxious when you step out on that bridge to lead your child across previously uncharted waters.  Ask friends for their stories.

I sincerely hope this is helpful in your quest to courageously, lovingly, and effectively lead your child through the challenging waters of life as you share The Tough Talks together.  I will be posting follow-up articles with specific tips for specific topics in the coming weeks and months, as I continue presenting my series of Having The Tough Talks on my Parenting 101 interview segment on WAFB at 6:15ish am the last Tuesday of the month.

I work with teens and their families on a regular basis.  As you can imagine, the issue of various forms of drug abuse and other addictions is a common topic in my office.  Parents have various levels of awareness of the presence and threat of drugs such as alcohol, marijuana, amphetamine, meth, crack, and the like.  However, one popular and potentially deadly drug is one that few parents have on their radar, and can be easily accessible and extremely difficult to detect in the system.  I just watched a special episode of A & E’s “Intervention” (one of the finest shows on television!) about “huffing”/”dusting” and I saw the story about the following family.  I will let this father share his story with you in his own words.  Perhaps you have read this in an email forward.  Somehow, hearing the man and his family tell their story on “Intervention” made it really come to life for me.  While this teen died from inhaling computer duster, others are threatening their lives with various other chemical inhalants from gasoline fumes to household cleaners.  I realize this post may annoy some folks who don’t want to read “email forwards” on a professional blog.  That’s fine – I don’t really care.  If this post saves one life, it will have been worth the annoyance to others.  Here is Kyle’s story, as told by his father, Jeff:

I am rebooting the start date for the upcoming group I will be leading here in Baton Rouge.  I hate that there is such a need for this kind of group, but I have learned that the ugliness of reality is better faced than avoided.  I am doing what I can to face this particular painful reality and equip teens and their families with tools to overcome it in their lives.  Please do what you can to support this group by praying for us and sharing the word as you have opportunity.

Alternatives to Cutting for Teens (A.C.T.)

A psycho-educational group for male and female teens who want to stop self-injuring.

NEW START DATE!  June 1, 2010

7:00-8:30 pm on Tuesday evenings

Group runs for 10 weeks (through August 3)

- Space is limited to 12 participants -

$50/session or prepay total for $450

Murphy Toerner and Associates

C-K Office Park

Conference Room A (front building)

17170 Perkins Rd

Baton Rouge, LA 70810

Pre-registration is required to ensure participation.

Contact Dr. Butner for registration or further information (225-333-1582 or Roger@hopeforyourfamily.com )

- Ask about the 5-week group for parents! -