“I don’t do muffins!”

Published by Roger Butner on

True story – unreal story:

A few days ago I was nearing the end of a rich conversation with a good friend of mine, a man who walks closely with his Lord and whose faith walk has helped to shape my own for the better.  We were sitting outside PJ’s Coffee Shop in downtown Baton Rouge, enjoying the good coffee, strong friendship, beautiful weather, and a great dialogue about the importance of growing in personal integrity, responsibility, and honesty.  Good stuff!

Up walks a man who promptly positions himself toward us in a way I have come to immediately recognize during my time of working downtown.  He asks us for money.  I have heard this many times now, so it wasn’t new for me.  It was the first time, however, I have actually heard someone say “I am a starving man.  Can you help me?”  Starving – that’s a strong word.  I calmly tell him I have no cash on me, and that I can’t help him.  (An honest, yet somewhat avoidant response on my part.)  My friend, however, looks into the window of the coffee shop, sees the pastries, and says to the man, “Come in here with me and let me buy you a muffin.”  (A more engaged response that reflects a similar unwillingness just to hand him cash, but a willingness to feed the man if he is, indeed, starving.)

The guy pauses for just a moment, gets this somewhat scoffing look on his face, and says, “I don’t do muffins.”  I kid you not.  I’m giving you exact dialogue here.  “I don’t do muffins!”

And then came the best part of the interaction.  My friend, without reacting in some bent-out-of-shape way, responds to him with, “If you’re STARVING, I’ll be glad to buy you a muffin.”  Another pause, longer this time.  “Oh well, thanks anyway,” says our brazen beggar, and away he walks.

I offer this story, not as some kind of judgment on people who ask you for money, although this may well apply to many of them.  I share this story to reflect how badly our society has regressed from its foundation of personal responsibility, self-discipline, courage, and sacrifice of momentary comfort to a culture of immediate gratification, laziness, fear, and a grossly inflated elevation of “rights.”

But it isn’t just beggars on the street.  It is our children.  Our neighbors.  Our spouses.  Our friends.  Our selves.  And each time you and I give in to the unhealthy demands of such emotional children, we make momentary peace and fuel a much greater, long-term, deep-seated problem that seems to be spiraling out of control.  If I “help” someone by giving in to their childishness, I am not, in fact helping them.  I am actually partnering with them to contribute to even greater depths of emotional, behavioral, relational, spiritual immaturity in their lives.  That isn’t helpful!  It isn’t loving!  It isn’t compassionate!  But it’s what the immature person wants, because it feels good now.

Do you have the courage and the grit to stand in both compassion and strength, making firm, loving decisions about your actions toward others, despite whatever pressure they may apply to get you to act the way they want?  Do I?  What I believe is that I can only help you grow to the same level of this compassionate strength I have attained.  And so, for my own health, for the health of my family and friends, and for your sake, I continue to face the tough battlegrounds in my self and my relationships.

I want to grow stronger like my friend, Eddie.  And I know that he, like me, seeks to grow stronger like our friend, Jesus.  And the Good News is, Jesus is actually forming both of us more into His likeness with each day we walk with Him.  He is teaching both of us to love our selves and others more fully, so we can act in the best interest of people – not just according to their/our emotional whims.  And that is very Good News!

Categories: inspiration

6 Comments

BigJosh80 · November 9, 2008 at 9:42 pm

Great story and great application. You had my wife and I laughing. I met your buddy, Hal, this weekend. He’s a very nice and likable person. I hope to attend one of his trainings in the near future. Hey, take care and good luck on the book.

Roger · November 9, 2008 at 10:43 pm

Thanks for the feedback, big guy! Hal and I are actually considering co-presenting a workshop on counseling adolescents and their families at the AACC world conference next fall. Pray for us. I may be going to the SF training coming up in a few months in Austin, TX. Maybe we could meet and enjoy some face-to-face dialogue. I’ll get back to you on that one when I know for sure.

By the way, the book that served as the primary source material for the conversation Eddie and I were having in this story is “A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix” by Edwin Friedman. It is a MUCH heavier read than “ScreamFree Parenting,” but I regard it as perhaps the most transformational, paradigm shifting book I have ever read. Let me know if you ever read it.

Lori Thacker · December 2, 2008 at 1:12 pm

Is it judging others to send them this ‘encouraging / they need to hear this’ message? Ha. And I think you should give parenting / family-ing seminars right here in the Red Stick. My husband, myself, and our ex wife could all use it! Great post.

Serenity Now!

Roger · December 2, 2008 at 2:16 pm

Oh, what’s a little judgment among family and friends – right?

I hope to start offering parenting/family-ing seminars in BR very soon. If you can convince a church or other group to host me for a presentation, we’ll get it set up right away! Talk it up. That’s the way these things get off the ground. I am now actively networking with churches and schools to promote my seminar offerings.

Happy Festivus!

Trey Morgan · September 25, 2009 at 8:45 am

I don’t do muffins either 🙂

Yea, he must not have been too hungry.

Roger Butner · September 25, 2009 at 11:37 am

🙂 I had a number of experiences like that downtown, and yet my spirit is much like yours, Trey. This has been an issue with which I have really, really wrestled. I’ve shared handouts. I’ve withheld handouts. I’ve avoided the situation altogether. I know the last approach is not Christlike. As to the first two, I just keep praying for The Holy Spirit to guide me on the right path, when the situation comes.

It was definitely good for me to read your post – http://www.treymorgan.net/2009/09/5-loaves-2-fish-in-my-wallet.html

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