10 Fundamental Guidelines for Healthy, Effective Parenting

Published by Roger Butner on

We're all happy - really!!!

"We're all happy - REALLY!!!"

1. Expect your kids to grow to be approximately as healthy, responsible, and emotionally mature as you are.  This is not a guarantee, but it is very likely.

2. Be a facilitator of pain in your children’s lives.  We’re not talking about cruelty or abuse here.  Let’s be clear on that.  But sparing your children from painful consequences when lessons need to be learned is not a loving act – it is a crippling one.  Do what you can to be sure they suffer enough for their foolishness that they will think twice about repeating it.

3. Be sure your kids know you are their advocate.  Create opportunities to openly encourage and build up your kids.

4. Put your effort into understanding your child before trying to “fix” your child.  Compassion and grace are often more powerful motivators than judgment and fear.

5. Instill confidence and greater ability in your kids by challenging them.  Give them opportunities (within reason) to take on something that is a little bigger than what you KNOW they can accomplish.  This sends a powerful message that you believe in them.

6. Apologize when you know you were wrong.  Kids are bright.  They know when you are out of line.  Model healthy relationships to them by admitting your errors humbly and directly.  Authority is not just about position and power – it is also about integrity.

7. If you have teenagers, keep in mind that you are NEVER up to speed on what their culture and technology is really like.  But work hard to keep from falling too far behind.

8. Lighten up!  Life goes on beyond the bleakness and boneheaditis of today.

9. Keep learning as you go.  Make the most of opportunities to learn from your mistakes, other parent-mentors, and good books and resources.

10. Expect your kids to grow to be approximately as healthy, responsible, and emotionally mature as you are.  This is not a guarantee, but it is very likely.

p.s. – By the way, the above picture of my family at the beach is a great example of the significance of #1, 4, 6, 8, 9, & 10 in action.  My son was not in the mood for taking pictures, and did not want to cooperate.  I pretty much ruined the experience for everyone by getting bent out of shape with him and the whole situation, and commencing to act more immature than my five year old son.  Say “Cheese!”  What may look like three genuine smiles to the untrained eye are actually facial expressions of, “Yeah, you better smile, or I’m gonna wring your neck!”  “This is the closest you’re going to get to a real smile out of me, so make the most of the shot!”  and “Why am I on vacation with these two ridiculous boys?!”


7 Comments

Karin · July 6, 2009 at 5:34 pm

Great suggestions! I’m done raising mine. Now it’s my turn to watch mine raise theirs! They are doing a great job! #6 was one I had to do very often – and that’s the one the kids claim made them realize that parents are only human and need forgiveness too.

Chemaine · July 6, 2009 at 11:26 pm

Ha Ha! We learn and continue on the journey together! I love my guys!

Jason Browning · July 16, 2009 at 10:56 pm

Great stuff! I especially liked #4. It is probably the one I need to work on the most with my 6 and 4 year old boys.

Roger Butner · July 17, 2009 at 4:07 pm

Karin & Jason – I’m glad this connected with you. And actually, it looks as though the concept in #4 will now be the core message of the book God is calling me to finish.

Chemaine – I don’t even want to imagine the journey without your grace to sustain me. Thanks for everything!

Glenn · July 21, 2009 at 11:58 am

As important as #4 of your list appears, #2 covers more ground. In saying, “be a facilitator of pain in your children’s lives” you deliberately left out spanking. Meaning, emotional discipline is as important–if not more–than corporal. My generation (baby boomers) was raised on corporal punishment. It was understood in that bygone age nothing was ‘disciplined’ about it, it was pure punishment: If you caught the paddle in school, you had another whipping waiting for you when you got home. No bad deed ever went unpunished, several times over. You didn’t WANT mom and dad to find out you were corporally punished at school. It also spilled into emotional abuse, esp when they kept reminding you of your misdeed(s). In my search to be a better parent to my son and daughter, I read books about non-corporal discipline. I learned the word itself had fallen into modern disuse and abuse–discipline comes from the root word, disciple. When you make a disciple of someone (as Christ made his apostles) you don’t simply haul off and whack them on either end when they go off-course: You teach. You mentor. You lead by example and behavior. You provide your ‘disciples’, as Roger stated in #10, the basics to become as emotionally, spiritually, mature as you yourself are—You teach your own children (friends, family & co-workers, clients, peers, etc) as Christ taught his Disciples. Just forget for a minute how Christ taught the moneychangers in the Temple 🙂

Roger Butner · July 21, 2009 at 10:28 pm

Great points, Glenn. But, how do you know I “deliberately left out spanking?” Just curious.

Glenn · July 22, 2009 at 10:23 am

Hey Roger..I assumed you omitted ‘spanking’ cuz you wanted ppl to THINK about what a ‘facilitator of pain’ means–that it could be allowing pain to come (1) by the resulting consequences of personal actions, or pain to arrive by (2) the immediate hand of direct parental action. It could happen either way, or both. We were never exposed to options (3), (4), or (5). Most of us baby boomers are familiar with that #2 ‘immediate hand’ quite well: It was applied liberally and frequently. The paddle I spoke of at school had BOARD OF EDUCATION scribed on the handle. Few of us (as parents) allowed consequences to (3) catch up to children by our silence and their growing self-realization of wrongdoing (4) having a quiet calm talk with our children about actions and consequences, or (5) using behavioral psychology on our children. What us older folks experienced was an age not especially enlightening, with the implied social lesson that a proper first response was to hit, slap, and scream when applying discipline.

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