HopeForYourFamily

I hope you had the pleasure of sharing Christmas with your family this year.  Sharing gifts with our children – watching their joy erupt as they rip open presents and try out new toys and games – is a rich gift from God.  I am thankful He blessed me with another such year with my family.

Now that the house is filled with new goodies and the recycling bin looks like an overflowing landfill, what’s next?  Well, we have done our best to give good presents – now it’s time to give our presence to our families.  This is one of the richest blessings we can offer our spouse and children.  It costs us nothing, and everything, and is SO worth it!

Our presence blesses our children by:

1. Helping them develop a secure identity.
2. Engaging them in meaningful conversation.
3. Preparing them for life’s challenges.

Being present with our children requires us to:

1. Show up.  You can’t be present if you aren’t around.
2. Open our minds to the realities of their perspectives.
3. Show our child their worth to us by showing interest and value in what matters to them.
4. Let go of what might happen, and focus on what is happening.
5. Listen fully before we speak.
6. Consider before we guide.
7. Connect before we correct.

So, what does this look like in real life in a real relationship in a real family?

Well, this morning it means I will do my best to encourage my son as he conquers the world of Wii Pokemon.  And I need to be present enough to learn where the Drifblim is carrying Pikachu next, what may happen there, and why it matters to him.  And if his attitude gets off-track during his gaming journey this holiday season, I need to love him enough to gently and firmly correct him and guide him back to the right mindset and behaviors.  Alright, Son, game on!…

Tags: media, parenting, teaching, the journey

Okay, I posted a serious one earlier – couldn’t resist passing on this morsel of fun from an email forward (no source cited):

1. Avoid carrot sticks.  Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit.  In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.  Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can.  And quickly.  It’s rare.  You cannot find it any other time of year but now.  So drink up!  Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?  It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something.  It’s a treat.  Enjoy it.  Have one for me.  Have two.  It’s later than you think.  It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it.  That’s the whole point of gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone.  Pour it on.  Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.  Fill it with gravy.  Eat the volcano.  Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk.  If it’s skim, pass.  Why bother?  It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating.  The whole point of going to a holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free.  Lots of it.  Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s.  You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.  This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge.  Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.  They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes.  If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies.  Apple, pecan, mincemeat.  Have a slice of each.  Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apple and one pecan.  Always have three.  When else do you get to have more than one dessert?  Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake?  Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.  I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.  Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.  Remember this motto to live by:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand and wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, “WOO HOO – what a ride!!!”

I got a lot of laughs out of that helping of fun, and I hope you will too.  One brief comment to go with it.  Obviously, this approach to life could get out of hand in a hurry.  But the point is well made.  Consider the poignant words of Ecclesiastes 7:16-18:

“Do not be overrighteous, neither be overwise – why destroy yourself?  Do not be overwicked, and do not be a fool – why die before your time?  It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other.  Whoever fears God will avoid all extremes.”

Tags: the journey

Here’s a little Christmas idea for your kids this year…give them the gift of limits on their screen time.

Don’t expect them to jump for joy and sing your praises as if you just bought them the latest greatest video game.  But then, good parenting isn’t all about having our kids sing our praises, is it?  Here are some suggestions for establishing healthy screen time limits in your home:

1. Include all screens in “screen-time” rules and limits (TV, computer, video games, movies, even cell phone apps).  Let them decide which screen is most important to them on a given day.  Giving them this opportunity for making priority choices is a great way to help them grow an important life-skill.

2. Have regular limits on screen-time as a proactive measure – not just for punishment.

3. Take away portions of screen-time for punishment to maximize effectiveness.  Cutting that Wii time in half is sometimes more painful (effective) than taking it away completely.  Depending on the infraction, we cut our son’s screen-time out by three minute, five minute, half hour, and screen-type (no Wii, but internet is still on, etc) increments.  He only loses future screen-time if he has gone WAY out of bounds on a big issue like respect.

4. Be more rigid on school nights and more flexible on weekends, vacation time, etc.

5. Always be ready to offer positive alternatives to screen-time.  Playing catch outside, working a puzzle, playing a board game, reading a book, riding a bike – the sky’s the limit!

6. Set time limits based on age and other reasonable factors.  For example, we give our soon-to-be 7 year old an hour of screen-time on weeknights and leave it fairly open-ended on weekends.  We allow him “extra” screen-time during weekends because he is an only child, and we try to be realistic about that.  Also, you will have to make reasonable allowances for school-required screen time online.

7. Be in charge.  If you cave in to your child’s whines, manipulations, and complaints on a regular basis, you are letting them be in charge, and cheating them of your leadership.

8. Sprinkle grace into your disciplined structure.  Now and then, we let our son have extra screen-time “just because.”  Also, we don’t have a set system for earning more screen-time, but are willing to give him a bump at times when he has done something outstanding.  It’s always a big hit, and helps him realize we are not simply looking for ways to limit his fun.

9. Be as engaged in your child’s screen-time as possible.  Know what they are into, be present with them while using their screen-time as often as you can, and talk with them about what they like and what they think about what they are taking in via the screen.

10. Have reasonable screen-time limits in your own life.  If you tank this one, the first nine points won’t work too well for your family.

Merry Christmas and Happy Screen-Time to you and your family from Dr. Butner!

Tags: adolescence, discipline, family, leadership, media, parenting, personal responsibility, teens

Really?

REALLY?!!

Alright, this one is going to kick some shins and draw some backlash, but that’s how I roll.  Before you rush out to pick out a cell phone for your pre-teen, ask your self a few simple questions:

1. How old were you when you got your first cell phone?  (Why is that such a ludicrous question?!!)

2. What kind of horrible places are you sending your kid where they really need this kind of instantaneous emergency access?

3. Why do you think they can’t easily find another way to contact you?

4. Have you taken time to REALLY PREPARE your child for the tons of new choices she or he will have to make with this technological marvel strapped to their hip?

5. What has your child done to prove his or her trustworthiness with this much tremendous responsibility?

6. Have you considered how much responsibility this is bestowing?  (texting, sexting, porn, Facebook, Twitter, forums, approximately 4.3 bazillion apps, etc)

7. Have you read this article yet?

8. Is your preteen really ready for this?  Are you?

And if you REALLY want to take some time to mull this over, put on a pot of coffee and check out this presentation by the wonderful Kaiser Family Foundation.

Just some food for thought…

Tags: adolescence, media, parenting, social networking, teens, texting

Watch it in theaters February 25, 2011.

Tags: coming soon..., community, HOPE, movies, spiritual formation, the journey

Great article from today’s Greater Baton Rouge Business Report!

And if you want some practical tips on cutting down screen time in your household, check out this great website / organization.

Tags: addiction, blogging, culture, facebook, media, social networking, texting, twitter

Keep Louisiana Beautiful

Just wanted to introduce you to this non-profit organization whose office is right here at C-K Office Park, home of our wonderful crew of Christian counselors at Murphy Toerner and Associates.  Whether it is a cigarette butt, piece of gum, candy/snack wrapper, drink can, or whatever else, do you ever stop to consider what happens to your trash after you throw it down on the ground?  I’m not asking anyone to become some sort of zealous “tree-hugging” environmentalist.  But take some responsibility for your self and your garbage, and see how much more beautiful the world can be.

Tags: community, nature, personal responsibility

WIN $1000!!!
PLUS
2 TICKETS TO THE SAINTS AT COWBOYS THANKSGIVING DAY GAME
Proceeds benefit community outreach through Key Foundations’ Girls Club, KF Preschool and Building Healthy Relationships programs.

$1000…PLUS 2 TICKETS FOR SAINTS AT COWBOYS
THANKSGIVING DAY 2010
[seats 11 & 12 Row 11 Club Level section C110 Cowboy Stadium]
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DRAWING TO BE HELD AT 4PM ON NOVEMBER 15TH
@ 3180 CONVENTION ST., BATON ROUGE, LA 70806
WINNER NEED NOT BE PRESENT BUT MUST BE ABLE TO BE REACHED IN 24 HRS
License # E0004938

Buy a $20 Key Foundations Raffle Ticket for a chance to win.
Buy as many tickets as you want for more chances to win!!!

To purchase a ticket come by our office or for more information call 225-343-9998.
GOOOOOO!!! SAINTS!!!

–
Carolyn Myer
Executive Director
Key Foundations….opening doors to understanding

John 8:32 Then they will know the truth and the truth will set them free.

Tags: coming soon..., community

There once was a coach called Mad Hatter
Whose naysayers loved to make chatter,
But true fans are all smiles
As the wily Coach Miles
Keeps on winning his way up the ladder.

- a Dr. Butner original

Tags: community, leadership

(Thanks to WAFB Channel 9 for inviting me to share this message with their viewers!)

Click here to watch WAFB bullying interview with Dr. Butner

Q. Is bullying becoming a worse problem in our society today?  If so, why?

A. YES!  It is clearly becoming a growing epidemic among us.  I believe the most significant contributing factor is the growing number of communication channels available that allow us to send powerful messages immediately, without taking time to think through our emotion or impulse.  There are two reasons this has given rise to more bullying behavior.  First, such digital communication is viral.  One message sent can quickly be spread to mass numbers of people in ways that were unimaginable to us back when I was a teen in the 80s and early 90s.  Second, such communication channels give an illusion of safe distance where it becomes easy to think of the message simply as fun comments, and not as a direct assault on a real live person.  As we become increasing consumers of digital communication, we will continue to see a rise in bullying, particularly cyber-bullying.

Q. What can we do about this?

A. Parents, teachers, coaches, school administrators, pastors, scout leaders, and the like must commit to a no-tolerance stand against any type of bullying behavior.  In addition to physically aggressive behavior and threatening messages, this includes hurtful name-calling, manipulative pressure tactics, deliberate exclusion and ridicule, etc.  Children and youth need to learn from an early age that the adult leaders of their community are standing together against such foolishness, thoughtlessness, and cruelty.

A. Parents can contact your school administration to find out what is in place to monitor and respond to bullying.  Challenge your school to be proactive and effective in their approach.

A. Parents need to take time to clearly teach and coach our kids in respectful behavior toward others, including face to face, phone conversation, texting, and online formats.  Don’t assume your kids will do the right thing.  Train them to do the right thing!

A. We must watch our own words and actions carefully.  For example, what message are you sending your kids when you scream and cuss at players, coaches, and officials during a football game that isn’t playing out to your liking?  How do you treat other drivers during traffic?  What kind of snarky comments and “likes” are you posting on your own Facebook page?  Any time we use our words and actions to tear down others, we are essentially giving our kids permission to be bullies.

A. Teach victims to respond calmly, rather than reacting emotionally.  Emotional reactions typically “fuel the fire” of bullies, bringing on more of the unwanted behavior.

A. Help victims find genuine strength and self-worth in their abilities and your love.

Q. What are some signs that your child might be the victim of bullying?

A. Sudden lack of interest in social activities.

A. Sudden change in Facebook/MySpace activity (You ARE keeping an eye on your teen’s Facebook/MySpace activity, AREN’T YOU?!!)

A. Lashing out toward siblings, pets, property, etc.

For much more guidance, information, resources, etc, check out Bullying.org

Book Recommendation: “The Wounded Spirit” by Frank Peretti

Tags: blogging, character, culture, facebook, friends, media, parenting, personal responsibility, respect, social networking, teaching, teens, texting, twitter