Here are three key ways (there are certainly plenty more) to sweat with your kids to produce big results in your relationship and in their developing character.  If you live anywhere near my neck of the woods (South Louisiana), and you spend any time at all with your kids, you will be sweating with them.  But might as well do it with purpose.  PARENT LIKE YOU MEAN IT!  Right?

1. Get out there and join them in their fun!

Play in the yard.  Climb that treehouse (build it first, if necessary).  Ride that bike.  Throw that ball.  Try the disc golf park.  Practice that sport.  Play chase.  Sit and talk out in that special spot.  Play that weird, evolving game your kid is trying to teach you that seems to make no sense whatsoever.  Etc.  Joining our kids in their choice of fun outdoor activities helps to keep parents young at heart, and shows our kids that we are eager to be a part of their world and don’t insist on them always joining our world to spend time with us.

2. Invite your kids to assist you in your work or special projects.

Not all kids will jump at this chance, I know.  But many children (especially if you start when they are young!) are thrilled with the opportunity to be Mom’s or Dad’s right hand helper on a manual project.  It gives them such a sense of value and self-respect, as well as helping them learn valuable life skills, when we include them in that cleaning, building, planting, arranging, etc. project.

3. Serve someone together.

Find someone in your neighborhood, church, or school community who could really use some help with a special project or maintenance challenge that is beyond their capability.  Bring your kids and serve them as a family.  Your kids will learn the powerful spiritual and community value of blessing others (maybe you’ll learn it with them!).  Your relationship will be cemented in a fresh way by sharing the common bond of sweat equity together.

And don’t forget to have fun cooling off together when sweat time is over!

Mark your calendars and pay your registration, because you won’t want to miss this opportunity in Baton Rouge!

On March 27-28, internationally recognized family expert and best-selling author, Dr. Kevin Leman, will be sharing three live seminars at Parkview Baptist Church.  Call the church office to register or for more information at 225-293-2820.

Sunday, March 27, 8:00 a.m. or 11:00 a.m.:

“The Deception of Perfection” (during worship services of Parkview Baptist Church)

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Sunday, March 27, 6:00 – 8:00 p.m.:

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Monday, March 28, 9:30-11:30 a.m.:

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Monday, March 28, 7:00-9:00 p.m.:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Sorry about the audio.  I’m still trying to figure out the best way to go from my DVR to computer/internet.  This was my first attempt with just a straight video recording of the TV.

Let’s start with two fundamental concepts on which I am building this blog post (and the interview I did on WAFB)…

1. Helping kids develop athletic skill and excellence is a good thing, and I believe it is generally a far better gift to them than just buying them more video games, toys, or other stuff.

2. Chances are slim that any of our children will ever be playing pro ball, and most of them will finish their athletic careers in high school.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s huddle up!

1. Rather than focusing too much on scores and W/L records, kids’ sports programs (read parents and coaches) should focus largely on experiencing teamwork, skill development, and character growth.

2. Rather than holding kids to adult expectations, coaches and parents should emphasize the process and victory of progress and growth.

3. Rather than dwelling on individual achievement, team sports should focus on teamwork and interactive encouragement.

4. Rather than consuming family lives and schedules in a stress-battering way, kids’ sports involvement should be a fun way to extend family character development.

5. Bottom line – kids’ sports programs should be a place to assist in the development of healthy, responsible, virtuous adults, and NOT an end unto themselves!

Certainly, the older kids are, and the more experienced the team, the more important it becomes to focus on skills and athleticism.  Granted.  But I still believe the above principles hold true, even throughout middle school and high school sports.

Finally, a couple of examples from my son’s seven year old coaches pitch baseball team.  I LOVED this little moment at their first practice!  At the post-practice huddle, Coach Brad asked the boys if they were doing well in school.  He then asked them specifically if any of them had gotten in trouble in the classroom that week.  Three of them confessed to having “their stars moved” once during the week (apparently, the discipline system used at the school where most of the boys attend).  Coach then proceeded to have the whole team (himself included) do three push ups to impress on them the importance of right behavior in the classroom and the fact that they are a team, on and off the field.  Hats off, Coach Brad!  Coach asked me to sub for him this Thursday, as he will be out of town.  While we are certainly going to be working on fundamental baseball skills, the theme for practice will be Respect.  Showing respect for self by not hanging your head if you make a mistake, respect for coaches (and officials) by obeying and following instructions, respect for teammates by giving your best every play, encouraging them, and being “heads up” between plays, and respect for opposing players by being encouraging rather than ugly.

Play Ball!

- Coach Roger

ScreamFree Marriage

Calming Down, Growing Up
and Getting Closer

By Hal Edward Runkel
with Jenny Runkel

Now Available Nationwide!

Order An Autographed Copy Now - Help Your Marriage and Help Us Reach Others!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

In conjunction with my Parenting 101 interview on WAFB on January 25, here are my basic thoughts regarding co-sleeping, which has been in the news of late.  I will expand on the post as I have more time and energy, hopefully tomorrow.  My Dad is in serious condition in the hospital, I have had a very long day of fairly intense work with clients in therapy, found out a dear friend’s daughter killed her self this weekend, and I am fried.  But I will be honoring my commitment to bring a positive word of guidance to the parent-viewers of WAFB tomorrow morning, and I wanted to have this available on line for anyone who wanted to reference it after the interview…

When I was at WAFB’s news studio with my son’s Cub Scout pack on Saturday, I saw the piece on co-sleeping, and I simply MUST respond in Parenting 101!  The families I saw who were interviewed were not parents of infants – these were “big kids.”

- I recommend making appropriate sleeping arrangements for children outside of the parents’ bed from the beginning.

- I recommend this much more strongly after the age of 2.

- I have three different concerns regarding co-sleeping, and the problems I see that can be tied up in this arrangement:

1. Children call the shots. I recognize there are some folks who are very intentional about co-sleeping, and it isn’t driven by the kids, but by the purposeful choice of the parents.  Fine.  But with so many families that fall into a regular, extended practice of co-sleeping, it is because the children insist on it in one way or another, and the parents do whatever their kids want.  Kids need parents to be in charge, regardless of what they think they need!

2. Family revolves around children. I believe family life is actually healthiest for our children when it revolves around the husband and wife relationship, not the children.  Of course we should nurture our children, cultivate healthy attachments with them, and work to guide them with as much personalized, hands-on leadership as possible.  But as our children move through and emerge from toddlerhood, they need to realize that neither the world nor their family revolves around them.  Orienting our lives and homes around our kids may feel good now, but it can really train them to believe that this world is here to serve them, rather than vice versa.

3. Where’s the marital intimacy? Seriously, not only how are husband and wife able to enjoy regular, spontaneous sexual intimacy, but how about making time for conversational and non-sexual physical intimacy?  Family cuddling time is great, and there is an important time and place for it.  But if that time and place is Mom and Dad’s bedtime, Mom and Dad can slowly (or quickly) forget about being spouses and lovers, in place of their child-centered roles as co-parents.

If you would like to get a much fuller perspective from a much more seasoned and widely respected expert, buy this book.  I DARE you to read it cover to cover with an open mind!

So, how about you?  What is your perspective on “co-sleeping?”  What are your questions or concerns?  If you are an advocate, why?  Share your thoughts with us, and let’s talk about it.

Picking right up where we left off…

On Sunday morning Chemaine wasn’t feeling well, so Shep and I headed off to church in my truck.  Father-son time with our church family.  Worshiping God, studying His Word, building relationships, good coffee, fun play – should be great!  In the midst of singing and talking with Shep on the ride to church, he somewhat brazenly asserts that, “At least I get some screen time during children’s worship!”

Oh, CRAP!  Hadn’t thought of that!!!  Yes, indeed, Shep’s elementary group in the children’s ministry at church is just getting started good in a new string of lessons based on a video series.  Dad.  Gum.  It.  What to do about the Screen Time hiatus?!?

I dropped the lad off in his Sunday school class (the video time comes next hour), went to my Sunday school class (Sorry, Dr. Steve – “Adult Bible Fellowship”) led by my Eminem-lovin, Facebook eschewing friend, Hans Googer, and then checked with one the children’s worship leaders to ask which part of their service would include the video.  After discussing the situation with Lisa for a couple of minutes, she told me she totally understood and supported our being serious about impressing important character lessons on Shep, and that pretty much their whole class would center around the video (I was considering either bringing him up late, or getting him out early).  Basically, it was going to be all or nothing.

When I got my son from Sunday school and brought him into “big church” with me, as we do every week before the youngins are dismissed to go upstairs for their special worship and lesson time, I honestly had not made up my mind what I was going to do.  In hindsight, I should have called Chemaine and prayed about it, but at the time neither occurred to me.  Shep saw his buddies line up on the front row to watch the youth choir perform a special mini-concert during worship time (GREAT job, guys!), and he wanted to go sit with them.  That’s cool.  Sit on the end, and I’ll sit next to you.  Still positioning, waiting, and considering.  Finally, Shep made my mind up for me with a very smug, “At least I get some screen time during children’s worship!”  Okay, Mr. Big Shot Screen Addict, that’s it!

“No,” I say very quietly and firmly to him.  “You aren’t going upstairs this morning.  You are staying here with me.”  And then I saw Shep set his jaw and speak with more resolute defiance than I knew he had in him.  “Yes, I am.  I AM GOING UPSTAIRS WITH MY FRIENDS!”  And when they announced the dismissal of the kids, and his friends got up, he stood up and looked at me.  “Sit down.”  A glare.  A huff.  Then submission.  Now tears.

He crumpled his body over me, buried his face in my lap, and began softly sobbing.  Cut off from his friends.  Cut off from his precious big screen.  Ouch.  I gently rubbed his back and let him cry it out for several minutes.  When he finally came up for air, I offered to go get his Garfield book out of the truck for him to read during church (It’s a really progressive congregation!), but he very respectfully declined.  Then he grabbed my arm and wrapped it tightly around him self.  A few times during the service, he pulled back to glare at me with a crushed, yet defiant gaze.  But then he would nuzzle in close again, and I would rub his back or shoulder or hair, affirming that I love him, and that my love is motivating my actions even in my “hurtful” decision.  Somehow in the midst of this, I realized I had been moved by The Spirit to teach Shep a powerful lesson about The Father’s love for us.

He cares far more about our character and obedience than he does about the little things that capture the temporary attention of our hearts.  Yes, He delights in giving us good gifts and saying “Yes” to our deepest longings.  But sometimes he withholds these things for a season to free our hearts from our sinful ways or attachments to the things of this world.  And He keeps His loving arm around us, gently speaking love to us through His abiding presence and voice of truth.

And for those of you who think I’m over the top with this screen time punishment…he came home from church and rode his bike without any assistance whatsoever for the very first time!  Coincidence?

(Thanks to my good friend and pastor, Hans Googer, for inspiring me to get back on my blogging horse and ride!)

So, basically I have decided I will just hope someday Shep will either understand the value of me using stories about his life on my blog or find it in his heart to forgive me.  I really do mean it when I say this, as I want him to know someday that I (will) respect him as a man, and I want to share stories such as the following in light of that commitment.  Anyway, without further ado…

So, my son seems to have inherited his Dad’s tendency to place socializing and merriment before work.  I won’t go into my regrets and what a lifetime of struggle this has been for me, but let’s just say I am committed to working with Chemaine and with Shep’s teachers to do all we can to help him turn this ship around sooner, rather than later.  After a few reports from his Montessori school teacher that he was excelling in social connection, while slacking in work product (his work has been excellent – he just hasn’t done much of it), I suggested a plan of motivational support on our part, which my wife and my son’s teacher both supported enthusiastically.  In order to fully appreciate the plan, let’s take a quick side trip.

My son LOVES his screen time!  (I will soon do a post entirely devoted to the subject of screen time.)  Sometimes, I think his priorities are: air, water, food, Wii, other screen time, and then whatever else he can fit in his busy schedule.  You getting what I’m saying here?  THIS BOY LOVES HIS SCREEN TIME!!!  Okay, back to our story…

We decided to put in place a new “deal” wherein Shep must meet a minimum standard of pieces of classwork (it’s a Montessori thing) finished each day at school, if he is to get his standard allotment of one hour of screen time that afternoon/evening.  Upon consultation with his wonderful teacher, we agreed that four pieces of work is a very reasonable standard to expect of him, given his abilities.  After implementing the new plan, we decided three pieces of work would allow him half an hour of screen time.  Anything less than three – no dice, Jack!  He proudly came home the first day and told us about doing SIX pieces of work that day.  “Way to go, dude!  I knew you could do it!  I hope you’re proud of what you did today!”  Over the next few days, the numbers he reported to us ranged from five to three, as I recall.  Then, my wife, who volunteers at our son’s school, decided to take a look at his work report sheet and talk with his teacher about how he was doing, and if the new system seemed to be working.

Turns out the little rascal had lied to us for two days straight, boldly deceiving us by telling us he had done more work than he had truly done.  While I am sad to admit that he also inherited this sinful trait directly from me, God has done much work on me in this department, and I determined not to let shame of my own moral failings keep me from holding my son to God’s standard of honesty and integrity.  Chemaine and I rather calmly (thanks, Hal!) explained from each of our perspectives how and why we were disappointed in his actions, and that we were going to help him learn to live to God’s higher standard.  We also made clear that we love him very much and believe he can do better, so we are going to do our best to help him get there.  And then, we dropped THE BOMB…

NO SCREEN TIME FOR A WEEK!

We have never lowered the boom on him this hard, but we agreed that this time he needed a severe consequence (for a seven year old) to impress upon him how serious we are about him living with integrity in his character, both in his work ethic and in his honest speech.  Slack off and pay.  Tell a lie and pay more.  Slack off and willfully begin a pattern of lies, and pay big time!  This was a painful decision, but Chemaine and I agreed it was the right one to help our lad find the necessary motivation to turn this ship around.  I just thought this was the painful part.  No, indeed!

But it seems I’ve gone on long enough for one post.  I’ll be back tomorrow to tell you what happened on Sunday of No-Screen Week that broke my heart, crushed Shep, and left him crying in my lap during church.